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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask do ALL parents feel happy for adult dc to visit them for as long as they want to ?

125 replies

Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:37

Have seen on mumsnet that it seems to be the consensus that adult dc are welcome when ever they like , that its their ‘Home’ etc. .. even though they are adults with their own jobs, homes .

In rl , I know many parents who love their adult dc , love them visiting, but equally cant wait, at the end of the visit ,for them to go !!!. One of my friend's says for example, ‘ Its great when they come , its great when they go ‘.

On mumsnet it really seems that it is not acceptable to want your adult child to have their own ‘ psychological’ adult home, that the parental home will always be their home, that they are always welcome .. but in rl I know many parents who don't feel that .. that a couple of nights is ok , but other than that its too long , that they want their own space again .

Obviously , return home for emergencies is without question Nephew is in mid twenties . Works , saves to travel, returns to uk with no money.. lives with parents again for a month or two as has nowhere to live or job , gets a flat and repeats . This accommodation by parents would not be done a generation ago ?

I remember never being allowed a house key, I had to ask to visit after university.. but then I am
old !

So , aibu to ask if everyone with the mumsnet Has this my home is my adult dcs home approach or do some parents with adult dc actually like their space and set boundaries around it ? … Encouraging adult dc to take on this perspective ?

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 29/12/2022 01:47

I would ask if I could stay over I suppose in case they had guests or whatever, but I never had to ask to visit. Mind you I'd never rock up with kids in tow without asking if that was ok. They had busy lives. Just after I was 18 (I was at uni) they moved house anyway so it wasn't my childhood home anymore and I didn't have a set bedroom - I stayed in the guest bedroom.

Mentalpiece · 29/12/2022 02:02

Mine still have their own keys, if they forget them, there's one in the keysafe outside which they have the number for.
Mine can come as often as they like for as long as they like.
No appointment needed.

WandaWonder · 29/12/2022 04:03

Our child has their moments but pretty easy going so If the same as adult sure no problems

ShippingNews · 29/12/2022 05:33

Mine are in their 30's, they have their own homes, children etc. I love to see them at any time, but they wouldn't just "turn up" any more than I would. If they are coming over, they ring and make some plans , then we all enjoy each other's company.

The only time I had a long-stay was when DS separated from his wife and he came to my place for about a month until he got his own place. But he always kept me in the loop , as far as his plans were concerned. I never got fed up because I knew there was an end to it .

PS my home now, was never my children's home. I moved when I retired so this place has never been "theirs", they don't have their old rooms etc. They just get the guest room.

BIWI · 29/12/2022 08:58

Absolutely, absolutely this @DramaAlpaca

tbh I would prefer it if he wasn't here as that would mean his mental health was good enough not to be, if you see what I mean.

While he's in a bad place at least I can keep an eye on him, support him, make sure he eats, listen to him etc. Parenting hasn't stopped, even though he's well into his 20s, and I'm glad he feels able to come home
^^

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/12/2022 09:08

I think your situation is unusual OP, it’s odd not being given a key at uni or not being able to be there when they were away. Even if it was years ago.

My DDs are early 20s, one at home, one house sharing with friends. I love her coming home and she’s welcome here whenever she wants and for however long she wants. Her bedroom is still here, we use it slightly differently now but it’ll always be a place she can sleep if needed.

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2022 09:15

I have a question for those of you with more than one adult child, and grandchildren.

If one of your adult children frequently stayed with you for long periods, with their partner and young child, and your other adult child wanted to visit with their partner and young child, sometimes when their sibling was there but sometimes without their sibling, how would you handle it? I hear what you're all saying about the door always being open, your children always being welcome, etc, but once those children have partners and young children, and the house becomes pretty full and chaotic with everyone there, would you allow your adult children to visit without the other present (to allow time with each to focus just on them)? This might mean saying no to the other child occasionally.

HypaHypa · 29/12/2022 09:16

I came back after uni and it was made very clear to me that I'd need to find a job then leave. I did and only went back for Christmas day. Now have DC we do stay for a few days but by appointment only and have to be ready to change plans/leave if there is anthing more important.
When a house move didn't quite line up, we stayed in a Premier Inn for a couple of weeks instead of asking and nothing was said despite them being aware of the situation. I asked if I could borrow my mum's washing machine and she said no I'd need to find a launderette. She did relent, after I paid her £5 per load.
My adult brother lives at home and always has done. He has his whole lifestyle funded despite earning far more than me. No SEN.

Despite the unfairness, confusion and often hurt I am happy I have my own home and know that I did everything I have done on my own. I won't be facilitating any type of care package or so much as organise groceries for my parents when they are in need.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 29/12/2022 09:32

While they are single and without children, yes, they are welcome for as long and as often as they like. Their being here doesn’t prevent DH and I from having our own lives, going to theatre and cinema, seeing friends - why would it?

Once they have partners or families of their own it will be different. They’ll have their own family unit, and we will love to see them but not expect them to use their holidays staying with us.

Fairyliz · 29/12/2022 09:34

Surely like all guests it depends what they are like?
I have two DC’s late 20’s. One stayed with us for a year during lockdown and it was great. She is polite and tidy, but more importantly cheerful for 99% of the time she really raised our spirits during a miserable time.
The other one has been home for a week at Christmas already and I can’t wait for her to leave. She seems to immediately revert to stroppy teen mode when she walks through the door and I feel like I am always treading on eggshells around her. Whatever I say/do is wrong and she seems to want me to arrange ‘exciting’ trips every day, without actually specifying what she wants.
We of course have funded the whole of Christmas and whilst we can afford it a bit of appreciation would be nice.

angstridden2 · 29/12/2022 09:42

My children boomeranged back and forth post uni due to flat shares ending, relationship breakups, we are quite easygoing and they are respectful. They stayed while they saved for house deposits. It was fine, they’re nice people and easy to live with. Now they have their own homes and partners but one has just left after spending Christmas with us.it’s lovely, and should any of them ever need a base because of life events, they will be welcome.

thecoffeewasthething · 29/12/2022 09:43

Once I moved out, I never once considered going back, or visiting for more than a day trip, with very rare overnight stays. I think I must have quite an unusual family compared to others, so I can't really envision how young adulthood will look with my dc as they get older.

I would expect them to be keen to fly the nest and get on with living their lives their own way, rather than depending on parents well into adulthood, the way I did things, but I suppose we'll see what happens. I don't intend to be running an open house situation, though! That sounds chaotic and stressful to me, much as I love them.

frazzled101 · 29/12/2022 09:48

My brother lives a flight away so when he comes home he stays with my mum. She loves him coming, but loves getting the house back to herself after. She lives on her own.

Wakk · 29/12/2022 09:54

Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 23:06

Sheepdogdelight

Ahh ! so you recognise my perspective .

Yes , on mumsnet it seems a parents house is a adult child with their own homes, home .

One poster says that the adults turn up at the station to be picked up and dont seem to have to even arrange it ..would hate that ..i like more knowing whats going on .

I would hate them having to ask!

I absolutely love my life with DH but am always happy to have my DCs back. We carry on with our day to day life, not much changes except we buy more food if one is home.

roarfeckingroarr · 29/12/2022 09:54

I wonder this. My dad has always had an open door policy for me - whether it's one night or one year. But he's very close to 80 and I now come with a 2 year old and very nearly a second. We did three nights at his then I drove him back to mine for a further three nights. I think he was far more glad of his own space and routines than he would have been even two years ago.

housemaus · 29/12/2022 09:56

My mum still lives in the house I grew up in and I have a key - but I haven't lived there since I was 17 and it's very much my mum's house now, not mine.

I wouldn't just turn up for more than a cup of tea without calling first. If I needed it I would be welcome to stay but I wouldn't go and stay there for an extended period - it's a tiny house and there's not the room really, plus my mum likes her own space.

Zonder · 29/12/2022 09:59

I would expect them to be keen to fly the nest and get on with living their lives their own way, rather than depending on parents well into adulthood

I don't see it as depending on them but having a relationship with them. My mum had a key to our house and came and stayed for weekends whenever. She did check when it was convenient for us first.

WinterFoxes · 29/12/2022 10:01

My DSis worked abroad and lived with my parents on each return, including with DH and DC in tow for several months while looking for a house. DBro and SiL did too for several months when moving house. I never did as I found it too stressful but this was ib 1990s so it did happen back then, even though my parents were very hands off and encouraged us to make our own lives, but always had an open door if anyone needed it, for as long as wanted.

NewMoonPhase · 29/12/2022 10:03

Why are you asking op?

Liorae · 29/12/2022 10:03

Zonder · 29/12/2022 09:59

I would expect them to be keen to fly the nest and get on with living their lives their own way, rather than depending on parents well into adulthood

I don't see it as depending on them but having a relationship with them. My mum had a key to our house and came and stayed for weekends whenever. She did check when it was convenient for us first.

Would you be ok with your mother in law doing the same?

SallyWD · 29/12/2022 10:05

My MIL really doesn't like living alone (widowed) and would absolutely love it if we moved in with her forever! But she is Indian and I think it's partly cultural. My parents love us visiting and they're always sad when we leave, however, I do think it would be a strain if we stayed more than a week or so. I can't yet imagine how I'll feel about it when my children leave home.

Vintagevixen · 29/12/2022 10:05

My DD will always be welcome in my home. It's her home as well as mine. However my situation is a bit different I suppose as I am a single parent so no DH/DP to consider and we are very close.

I take that stance because as a teen/young person in the 80's/90's it was subtly made clear by my parents that this wasn't the case. Luckily wasn't so much of an issue in those days because housing was affordable - bought my first place at 25 in London (on a nurses salary!) However, though I get on with patents fine now I haven't forgotten that and I won't do that to my DD. Plus of course buying or even renting a place is going to be much more if a big deal for her than it was for me.

hiredandsqueak · 29/12/2022 10:07

My dc are welcome to visit when it's pre arranged and mutually agreed I wouldn't want them turning up whenever they chose for extended periods tbh. They do have the keys they had before they left home but they wouldn't use them without checking with me first if I wasn't home. So dd asked to borrow something, I wasn't home and I wouldn't have noticed but she text me to see whether it would be ok for her to let herself in to borrow it. They probably know that I wouldn't put up with them taking liberties anyway tbh.

user1492757084 · 29/12/2022 10:10

I love the company of my children so I love them to stay whenever they like. We also visit them once or twice per year and that is really cool. To stay as a guest in our children's homes is lovely. And they are proud to have us there.

Hbh17 · 29/12/2022 10:11

Quite right. Somebody else's house is not "their home". They have homes of their own and are guests of their parents

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