To ask do ALL parents feel happy for adult dc to visit them for as long as they want to ?

[Lighterdaysareahead]

Have seen on mumsnet that it seems to be the consensus that adult dc are welcome when ever they like , that its their ‘Home’ etc. .. even though they are adults with their own jobs, homes .

In rl , I know many parents who love their adult dc , love them visiting, but equally cant wait, at the end of the visit ,for them to go !!!. One of my friend's says for example, ‘ Its great when they come , its great when they go ‘.

On mumsnet it really seems that it is not acceptable to want your adult child to have their own ‘ psychological’ adult home, that the parental home will always be their home, that they are always welcome .. but in rl I know many parents who don't feel that .. that a couple of nights is ok , but other than that its too long , that they want their own space again .

Obviously , return home for emergencies is without question Nephew is in mid twenties . Works , saves to travel, returns to uk with no money.. lives with parents again for a month or two as has nowhere to live or job , gets a flat and repeats . This accommodation by parents would not be done a generation ago ?

I remember never being allowed a house key, I had to ask to visit after university.. but then I am
old !

So , aibu to ask if everyone with the mumsnet Has this my home is my adult dcs home approach or do some parents with adult dc actually like their space and set boundaries around it ? … Encouraging adult dc to take on this perspective ?

I always ask if it's convenient for me to stay at my parent's house, I always have since I left in the 80s.

To me it seems entitled to think you can just walk back in. It's not my home anymore.

Oh and my adult dc are still at home. I can imagine, like you OP, I will be delighted to have them but also pleased /sad when they go.

I find there's a lot more housework and expense with them here, and I can see the silver lining to them going is being able to please ourselves more.

I’m 40 and still have a key for my parents house even though I’ve not lived there for 16 years. They are 80 odd miles away though so I’d never drop by unannounced and if we visit only stay one night, two at the most. I wouldn’t call it my home anymore but when we do visit it feels homely and not like I’m an unwanted guest

Yes….love the peace…but also, mainly, love the chaos of visits. Makes the peace and quiet all the more enjoyable.

This ^^
I love having my adult DCs around, they’re helpful and sociable and I wouldn’t worry about how long they’d stay.

Well everyone’s different aren’t they.

”This accommodation by parents would not be done a generation ago ?”

we moved into my grandparents’ for a couple of months when a house purchase fell through. Other aunts and uncles did similar at various points. We had holidays with grandparents and so did my parents with theirs. People absolutely did this a generation ago and more

Obviously everyone asks, I don’t know why it’s assumed they wouldn’t

I don’t know any adults who just randomly go and stay at their parents house unless they’re specifically visiting because they have moved away. Other than that it’s for emergencies I guess.

I love my mum but god I couldn’t think of anything worse, I need my own space. Of course mine will be welcome when they are older if they fall on hard times and they will know that. Unfortunately some parents aren’t like that. My husband has always known that he could never have returned at any point as the door was firmly shut. His mother is very cold though always has been.

It’s a different relationship when they’re adults.
Mine are always welcome, have keys and know where everything is, but I wouldn’t cancel my own life and plans, short or long, for them. Nor would they expect me to. They are easy to live with, do their share of house tasks and don’t take me for granted.
I loved my parents, but they couldn’t wait to get rid once we all hit 18. Emergencies aside, visiting was welcome for a week or so, but they valued their space and family-free lives. Yes, we were all given keys.

I have always been able to go home to my parents whenever I wanted to. Always welcome, even now in my 60's. I spent a few months there recently between house sale and purchase. I will always welcome my DC whenever and for however long they want (although I do ask for help with bills if they are staying long-term).

I would never expect.my children to have to ask to come home or to come and visit once they are over 18. By all means check someone is home first but they are always welcome without condition.

It was the same for me growing up. I still have my keys for home and let myself in when I get there.

If I stay with parents, i always let them know how long I'm there for and they always ask for me to stay longer.

I don't understand this mentality of only accommodating grown children in an emergency and pretty much thinking that limiting time with them is the only way to make them independent.

For those of you that say when they are single , they can stay as long as you like as you are family , but say it is different when they have partners.. this is our current situation … .

Do you explain this to your dc ?

Ive told our dc as they are out dc they can come when they need , want , but it feels different with partners .

I agree that partners make it more difficult but I would still welcome them. They have keys to mine, and I have keys to my parents. If I am in the area, I will often let myself in to make a cup of tea while they are out, and wait for them to come home. I also look after the house while they are away.

Honestly? Even if I were to get a partner in years to come DD is a priority. She's my child. I acknowledge that because we've been a unit of 2 for so many years this affects things but wild horses wouldn't stop me helping her or having her home if she needs.

I'm hoping to find a partner with his own home who is happy to stay there and have a dating/sleepover type relationship anyways !!!

Children don't suddenly stop needing you at 18.

Oh I see you mean her potential partner sorry! Would still be welcome honestly.

You're coming at this from the point of view that we all have a DH, not all of us do! I'm single and planning to stay that way so when adult DC aren't here it's just me and the cats!

I'm happy to encourage DC to go off and live their lives, DS has worked abroad and DD is currently at Uni hundreds of miles away. But when they're here, yes it's company for me. I love it. They know they are welcome to be here as often and as long as they like.

They are as welcome to stay as my kids are, and they often have.
My front door is indiscriminate.

I love it when our adult DCs visit, better still if they stay over. I haven't ever felt I wanted the house back, as the house feels properly 'full' when they are here. They don't tend to just turn up, and they know if they did turn up we might have other plans so don't expect to be 'entertained'. I understand it's different when they have partners, the whole dynamic can change.

I have 2 adult dc. One always asks about coming to stay, sometimes comes with their family and sometimes on their own. Behaves like a very warm and familiar guest - knows where everything is, helps out without being asked, is delightful company, usually only stays for a few days.

The other treats it like their home (even though we moved and it is not the childhood home they grew up in). They rumage in the fridge, play music all over the house, are unclear about how long they are staying or whether they will be in for meals. They are also delightful company.

Both are the same sex. Their approaches and personalities are so different.

Both have been / still are staying here for various times over the festive season. At the moment neither are in the house. One has gone home, the other has gone to meet a friend. I have my lovely peacful space back again and it is bliss

The house my mum lives in now (my dad died 5 years ago) isn't the house I grew up in. They moved there when I was in my mid-late 20s. It's a pleasant place to visit because my mum is there. But it's also tied up in sadness, because its the place I visited my sick dad in, and the place he actually died in. I think that makes a difference. It's also a 2+ hour drive away, and as a bit of nervous driver, it's not my favourite thing to do. If mum still lived in my childhood home, which is about 25 minutes drive away, I'd visit a lot more often.

I've recently come home, after spending 4 nights with my mum. She always, ALWAYS says I'm welcome to stay as long as I like - and seems to mean it. But honestly, 4 nights is about my limit. I'm ready to get back to my own bed and my own routine.

Yes partners welcome and tbh I am nosy and want to vet them anyway 😅

he's welcome any time as well. In fact he stayed overnight a few months ago as he was working away and it was a 6 hour drive to where he and DD live. As he had to drive a few miles away from where I am ( about halfway through his journey home), he asked if he could stop overnight so as not to drive tired. I'd rather he did that than risk an accident or pay for overnight accommodation. He did bring a bottle of wine for me so he'll do.

I don't like a nice quiet home 🤣 that's my idea of a nightmare.

I used to work as a carer and the amount of deathly quiet and deserted houses i went too!

I guess it depends on how I get on with my adult DC and eventually their partners and whether I'm stil on the same house? .

Ideally I'd love to still see them loads and for them to be comfortable where they are. .. realistically I may have to rent out rooms when they leave....to survive.

I dream of a detached house, not large, 4 decent bedroom's at least 3 toilets, and drive space close to a good town with entrainment.

Y children bothering with me is something that worries me.

Yes. My husband had the same kind of relationship with her. She was less independent though and relied on us collecting her but she was always welcome. Not so much for me but for my husband and the children.

I don’t really know any adults who turn up to parent’s homes without calling in advance, especially if to stay over (emergencies aside). For one, they may have other guests coming/staying. I think half the posters here are perhaps really talking about what they expect from their parents. Our acs are welcome but sometimes timing can be poor, for example bringing toddlers round when we are mid decorating or something is a pain! It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, but we wouldn’t just turn up at theirs either for similar reasons.