To ask do ALL parents feel happy for adult dc to visit them for as long as they want to ?

[Lighterdaysareahead]

Have seen on mumsnet that it seems to be the consensus that adult dc are welcome when ever they like , that its their ‘Home’ etc. .. even though they are adults with their own jobs, homes .

In rl , I know many parents who love their adult dc , love them visiting, but equally cant wait, at the end of the visit ,for them to go !!!. One of my friend's says for example, ‘ Its great when they come , its great when they go ‘.

On mumsnet it really seems that it is not acceptable to want your adult child to have their own ‘ psychological’ adult home, that the parental home will always be their home, that they are always welcome .. but in rl I know many parents who don't feel that .. that a couple of nights is ok , but other than that its too long , that they want their own space again .

Obviously , return home for emergencies is without question Nephew is in mid twenties . Works , saves to travel, returns to uk with no money.. lives with parents again for a month or two as has nowhere to live or job , gets a flat and repeats . This accommodation by parents would not be done a generation ago ?

I remember never being allowed a house key, I had to ask to visit after university.. but then I am
old !

So , aibu to ask if everyone with the mumsnet Has this my home is my adult dcs home approach or do some parents with adult dc actually like their space and set boundaries around it ? … Encouraging adult dc to take on this perspective ?

I think this has been commonplace for years as housing became more expensive. I was back and forth from my parents for about 3 years after graduating. I worked abroad for a while, then lived at home before starting a masters, then came back for a few months when working the first year after a rental fell through. This was in the early noughties. Had my own key until years after I moved out! I like to think I will have my kids back here whenever they need it. In fact I'm fully expecting to have them live here for a long time due to the costs of housing.

My mum is happy for me to stay at hers as long as I like and always let's me know that and I know it's genuine. However I can usually tell after a few days she is missing her peace (I have a 4 yo DD). However I see my current house now with my son as my "psychological home". I can have the heating how I like, do my cleaning/washing as when I like just do how I please without feeling subconsciously guilty.

Mine are in their 20's and 30's. It's still their home. They all have keys they can let themselves in stay as long as they like , empty the fridge ...

My eldest is 24. It goes without saying that he will always have a place here if his life goes to shit for some unexpected reason. But, otherwise, he is a grown man, working full time, and responsible for paying his own bills. It's absolutely lovely to see him when he does come back to visit, but that's what it is - a visit. We've moved house since he left home six years ago, and we have a spare room to accommodate him - but he's an adult now, and our relationship has evolved in line with that. YANBU.

My DD has her own houseshare but has keys and always asks if she wants to stay over. I remember the pang when she started referring to our house as your house. She also always asks if it's OK to store stuff at my house, as hers is tiny.

Could I live with her? I'm widowed and have lived alone for six years now, very much used to its being my place, but would of course definitely support her return in any emergency and to save for a house.

TBH I'd be delighted if our DC wasn't living with us. It's not a problem them being with us (although it does cost us a lot more, even though they're paying us rent), but we'd just got used to being just the two of us. But their needs, currently, outweigh ours/mine. I guess you never stop parenting, do you?

And for context, we live a 6hr drive away so only visit 2-3 times a year. It’s a bit far to stay much less than 3 nights. We always plan a good few months in advance, usually a few days in the summer, some time at Christmas (the journey is too far now for them to travel to us), and maybe one other short break.

I do think it’s odd OP that you never had a key to your house and had to ask permission to come home

I haven’t lived at “home” for many years but I still have a key and my mum’s landline number is still noted as “Home” on my phone

For various reasons I am actually at home for just over 3 weeks in total over Christmas and I did ask my mum several times if she was sure that it was ok for me to be here for that long. Her response was “this is your home, will always be your home and you can stay as long as you like”

My children are still at school so Idon't know how I will feel when they become adults yet. MIL loves her 50something children around her still and apart from DH they stayed at home for Uni and boomeranged throughout their 20s.

My mother on the other hand makes it very clear how long she wants us to stay and I have to change my plans so she can accommodate a higher status visitor (like my brother). I am not the favourite child though.

My mum doesn’t 😆

I only have 1 child. A 21 yr old in her 2nd year at uni (she went late. A benefit of covid)

I'm like @HelenHywater (fan UN, btw)
In my dd's head, she has left home already.
I absolutely love it when she comes home, and she'll ALWAYS have a home here. Even if in her head, she's already gone.

That might change if she gets a permanent partner and/or has DC of her own

I'm in my 40s with 5 children of my own but if my mum had her way we'd be staying every weekend!the house my parents live in isn't even where I grew up so technically I don't have a bedroom there but if I wanted to stay, alone or with all/ some of my children, the door is always open.
I always ask but before I get round to asking, in the last week of term my mum will already have invited us round.
When I do mention when we were thinking of coming she always says something along the lines of , you don't need to ask just come as soon as you can or send the teens atleast they can start enjoying themselves! And tbh they do, all enjoy going to Grandma's in the holidays.

Nothing makes me happier than having all my kids home under the same roof.. clattering around, playing music, talking etc etc. I just love it

My husband's family and mine are very different in this regard.

With my family I know my house (and bedroom) are still home and that I can visit whenever I like even though I have my own house. We live about five hours apart so when we go, we go for a week or more to make the journey worth it. I feel like we're good house guests though. I do a lot of the cooking whilst at home... but my mum still insists on doing my washing 😂

With my husband's parents... they are definitely sick of us after two days. All the former children's bedrooms are now used for other things and there's only one guest bed. We have to ask to visit, we are never invited to stay. The whole thing feels awkward and unwelcoming. I feel sorry for my husband as I know he'd like to spend more time with his dad. We only live an hour and a half away from them as well so it would be easy enough to pop by for a weekend every few months.

Oh and I forgot to say I live a 10 minute walk away plus we all 4 siblings have a key to my parents, the back door is also always open.
My dad changed the faulty lock a few months ago and made sure to make enough new keys for all of us.

I love it when adult DD comes to stay and don't want her to leave but that may be partly because I have 6yo twins and they're all over her like a rash when she visits and that gives me a break 🤣

We’ve always said the DC are welcome anytime. One adult DC has moved back to save up to get own place, we love having them back. The other DC knows that we are the back up plan , we would never see them struggling to pay for accommodation whilst we have spare rooms.

I find it sad that you don't/didn't have a key to your parents home. Just having a key is a symbol of safety, that whenever you might need that shelter even if parents weren't home you would always have somewhere to go. In the event relationships fail or turn nasty you would always have a safety net. I stayed with my parents on occasion, with my kids too when moving between houses and jobs and cities. It wasn't ideal but they would never ever have refused, despite probably being relieved when we had moved, and they loved having us with them knowing it was only short term. Similarly now with my kids, they will always have keys and will always be welcome, although I know they have their own homes and lives elsewhere. It's possible to regard yourself as having two homes, one where your parents are, and one where your adult life is.

They don't ask, they just assume you have no previously made plans? No holidays, no weekends away, no dinner with friends, no theatre trips, no dates? And if you do have, you just cancel them at the beck and call of your adult children?
I suspect you will spend your retirement doing a lot of unpaid unthanked childcare.

Uni stage - yes, it’s their home 100%
emergency - always
when they’ve got partner and their own place - they are welcome to visit but with limits.
However I don’t know anyone who wants to visit their parents unlimited once they’ve got partner, job, house, kids. People are too busy. Also there is space issue, e.g my parents’ house is too small so no way I can come with DH and DD. It’s the same house where I lived, it just always was too small.

I've got one adult DC still living with us, that's fine and he'll fledge when he's ready.

My eldest was home for a couple of days over Christmas which was lovely, then had to go back to work. Middle one also came home for Christmas and is still here because he's going through a tough time at the moment. He knows he can stay for as long as he wants/needs to, but tbh I would prefer it if he wasn't here as that would mean his mental health was good enough not to be, if you see what I mean.

While he's in a bad place at least I can keep an eye on him, support him, make sure he eats, listen to him etc. Parenting hasn't stopped, even though he's well into his 20s, and I'm glad he feels able to come home.

My son and his wife come with my GC and stay for several days at a time. Beds, travel cot and ensuite bathrooms need to be prepared and all meals are cooked for them. I've a large house with my youngest at uni, another an intern and two who have their own homes. The house is in a bit if a state of flux as my children are coming and going and there's a definite expectation that the house prepared and ready for them when they visit

Maybe it depends on how old they are? DS is 20 and at uni. I’ve loved having him home, he’s funny, energetic, loving, chaotic, youthful etc. and I still feel like it’s my DS coming home (yes we so
bicker in a light hearted way) but he’s very welcome here. I do realise I might feel differently when he’s 30 or 40.

Robinstrike
Yes I agree, both our dc have one but i still dont like surprise visits or long ones .
My parents had huge house anxiety. They refused to let us stay in it when they were on holiday saying they would worry all the time and for me not to put them in an awkward position of having to say no ..I would be pleased to offer my home as a place to
have a break .

Why would you need to cancel dinner dates or the opera?