Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask do ALL parents feel happy for adult dc to visit them for as long as they want to ?

125 replies

Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:37

Have seen on mumsnet that it seems to be the consensus that adult dc are welcome when ever they like , that its their ‘Home’ etc. .. even though they are adults with their own jobs, homes .

In rl , I know many parents who love their adult dc , love them visiting, but equally cant wait, at the end of the visit ,for them to go !!!. One of my friend's says for example, ‘ Its great when they come , its great when they go ‘.

On mumsnet it really seems that it is not acceptable to want your adult child to have their own ‘ psychological’ adult home, that the parental home will always be their home, that they are always welcome .. but in rl I know many parents who don't feel that .. that a couple of nights is ok , but other than that its too long , that they want their own space again .

Obviously , return home for emergencies is without question Nephew is in mid twenties . Works , saves to travel, returns to uk with no money.. lives with parents again for a month or two as has nowhere to live or job , gets a flat and repeats . This accommodation by parents would not be done a generation ago ?

I remember never being allowed a house key, I had to ask to visit after university.. but then I am
old !

So , aibu to ask if everyone with the mumsnet Has this my home is my adult dcs home approach or do some parents with adult dc actually like their space and set boundaries around it ? … Encouraging adult dc to take on this perspective ?

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 28/12/2022 23:31

My eldest daughter is 35. Left at 18 for Uni and now getting married soon and a homeowner. If ever she needs to come back she knows she will always be welcome. I love having all my 3 kids at my home together. It gives me a sense if contentment and completeness like nothing else.

shard5 · 28/12/2022 23:32

Liorae · 28/12/2022 23:22

They don't ask, they just assume you have no previously made plans? No holidays, no weekends away, no dinner with friends, no theatre trips, no dates? And if you do have, you just cancel them at the beck and call of your adult children?
I suspect you will spend your retirement doing a lot of unpaid unthanked childcare.

Show quote history

We always ask even though my parents insist we don't need to but we're also in constant contact so if my parents had plans we'd always know
My sister calls mum every morning, I always try to call once a day too, my brother pops in on his way home from work, all teen grandchildren know Grandma's house is available in case they get caught in the rain walking home or if they just want to pop in.
That's not to say we take advantage of my parents, when we do stay we all pitch in and it gives my mum a chance to step back and let her adult DC or teen grandchildren take over.

ShyMaryEllen · 28/12/2022 23:33

I would never turn my two away, and love to see them for a day or two, but after that I’m ready for them to go home, if I’m honest (I’m not - I tell them I’d love them to stay longer).

If they moved back in it would have to be on a very different footing from when they visit. They were both here over Christmas and whilst one of them was just here for Boxing Day overnight, the other was here for longer, and I got sick of the mess and the assumption that I would adapt everything to her preferences and lifestyle. It’s a cliche, but it felt as though I was running a B&B. Her viewpoint may not be the same though - as someone else said recently, ‘recollections may vary’.

Liorae · 28/12/2022 23:37

Oswin · 28/12/2022 23:29

Why would you need to cancel dinner dates or the opera?

Show quote history

Because the adult children expect to be picked up at yhe station with no notice and without enquiring about their mother's plans.

JockTamsonsBairns · 28/12/2022 23:37

RobinStrike · 28/12/2022 23:20

I find it sad that you don't/didn't have a key to your parents home. Just having a key is a symbol of safety, that whenever you might need that shelter even if parents weren't home you would always have somewhere to go. In the event relationships fail or turn nasty you would always have a safety net. I stayed with my parents on occasion, with my kids too when moving between houses and jobs and cities. It wasn't ideal but they would never ever have refused, despite probably being relieved when we had moved, and they loved having us with them knowing it was only short term. Similarly now with my kids, they will always have keys and will always be welcome, although I know they have their own homes and lives elsewhere. It's possible to regard yourself as having two homes, one where your parents are, and one where your adult life is.

That's so lovely to read, and I'm really envious 🥰. I moved out of 'home' at 18 to escape my abusive mother, and to try to find my own safety net elsewhere. I'm 49 now, and I've found safety with my own family. But, I can't tell you how hard it is to live without that back up.

Greatly · 28/12/2022 23:40

Liorae · 28/12/2022 23:37

Because the adult children expect to be picked up at yhe station with no notice and without enquiring about their mother's plans.

Show quote history

Mine all drive. and have keys.

HomeEdRocks18 · 28/12/2022 23:41

My eldest son is 20. He lives about 20 miles away from us, with his gf in their own flat.
They come over to visit us, but go home again.
They will be coming over at some point to exchange Xmas gifts and will be staying over for the weekend. He doesn't have a key to our house, he gave it back when he moved out a year ago.
When he visits he helps himself to food and drinks like he's never been away.

Womencanlift · 28/12/2022 23:42

Liorae · 28/12/2022 23:37

Because the adult children expect to be picked up at yhe station with no notice and without enquiring about their mother's plans.

Show quote history

I have stayed at my mums while she has been on holiday. Was coming home for a wedding, and so I just let myself in and stayed. She didn’t have an issue

Also came home last minute for things. Phoned ahead to be polite and response was no problem, I will be out when you arrive so just let yourself in and you know where everything is

Can count on one hand the amount of times I have been picked up from the station and I would never expect plans to be changed for me

ShadowoftheFall · 28/12/2022 23:44

SqueakySquirrel · 28/12/2022 23:16

Nothing makes me happier than having all my kids home under the same roof.. clattering around, playing music, talking etc etc. I just love it

This

JockTamsonsBairns · 28/12/2022 23:44

shard5 · 28/12/2022 23:32

We always ask even though my parents insist we don't need to but we're also in constant contact so if my parents had plans we'd always know
My sister calls mum every morning, I always try to call once a day too, my brother pops in on his way home from work, all teen grandchildren know Grandma's house is available in case they get caught in the rain walking home or if they just want to pop in.
That's not to say we take advantage of my parents, when we do stay we all pitch in and it gives my mum a chance to step back and let her adult DC or teen grandchildren take over.

Show quote history

This sounds lovely, and reads like you all live locally to one another? I really envy such close families 😃

Alici · 28/12/2022 23:44

I love it when my adult DC return and don't want them to leave (although I don't say this to them). I plan events for all holidays just so I can see them. I love that my home is a retreat for them, where they don't have to do anything and I get their favourite snacks in and its a calm place for them. My grandmother does this for me and I'm in my 40s. When I go to her house she instantly gets the snacks out and forces me to sit down with a blanket and get cosy. If you try to get her to take it easy or let you make the tea it offends her and she hovers round you anyway while you do it.

Zonder · 28/12/2022 23:57

I'm mid 50s and until I got married and bought a house in my 30s I would go home to mum's for holidays. I left home to go to uni at 18 and never moved back to the same town but I would spend all uni holidays and some of the school holidays when I started teaching, back at mum's.

I didn't expect her to change any plans for me. I was there to see her but also to catch up with friends.

I will be expecting my children to feel they can do the same when they pass 18.

I still have a key to mum's.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 29/12/2022 00:11

Well I'm 46; have lived independently since immediately after university, owned my own home since 24 and I'm typing this from my childhood bedroom. Not planning to leave until Friday! Occasionally I stay for New Year as I'm single. Didn't realise I was committing a massive faux pas.

Cherrysherbet · 29/12/2022 00:11

Our home is their home, and always will be. That will never change.

User7642679 · 29/12/2022 00:16

Both our parents love seeing us but are also happy to see us leave. They have their own lives, fortunately.

BungleandGeorge · 29/12/2022 00:27

I think your own parents were unusual OP. House anxiety, needing permission to visit, not having a key.
I think it’s probably more difficult for parents to deal with partners and grandchildren than with their own children

Beseen22 · 29/12/2022 00:33

My parents live 15m away, I don't have a key and we never pop in to each others homes. I think I was last invited there 6 months ago. DB (33) lives at home part of the week and she does all cooking and cleaning for him, he doesn't pay rent.

PIL live 3 h away, I have keys and we go there about once a month. They are currently staying for 1w and will come down every 2 months for about 4 days. MIL makes enough dinner for 6 just in case someone pops in, SIL goes every day for lunch and about 3 x a week for tea with the kids. She has a very busy social life and wouldn't cancel plans for us coming which we all respect and we all make sure to take turns with washing/cleaning etc when we are round so there is no extra work.

Don't like to play favourites but I know which side I'll be like with my DC.

Wiccan · 29/12/2022 00:34

Nope . Once they moved out that was it. We let them know when it's convenient to visit us as they expect us to do the same with them. We don't have a key to their homes so they don't get one to ours. Just because they were brought up here doesn't give them the right to just walk into our home/life when it suits them .

coffy11 · 29/12/2022 00:39

My home will always be their home, if there's enough space for them to stay they can stay as long as they want any time. I'd be happy for them to have their own key. I know my mum would be happy for me to come and stay if I ever needed to.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 29/12/2022 00:41

My adult son was having his bathroom remodelled so came back to stay with me and DH a couple of months ago. It's was lovely to have him here.

He always will have a key to our house and can stay over when ever he likes (last time was Christmas night). 😁

Bluevases · 29/12/2022 00:46

I see my house as my kid's home and that they are welcome back at any time, for as long as they like. That's just my view though, I wouldn't expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Nevermind31 · 29/12/2022 01:06

My parents made sure they had enough keys to their new front door made for me and my siblings (those really expensive special safety keys) - I was 35 at the time, live in a different country to my parents, and definitely do not drop by unannounced. But they wanted us to have keys.
my sibling moved back for a bit during covid - my parents seemed to enjoy it.
we don’t have bedrooms at their house, they make use of all bedrooms, but there is enough space to stay for everyone.
because we have to fly to visit them it is all arrange in advance, and it is usually for a week. My parents love it when we come, and I think after a week they enjoy their peace and quiet (DC can be loud). But I know I always have a home should I need one.
PILs moved house 3 years ago. It’s a 3 hour drive. We still haven’t seen the house.

talkingmorenonsense · 29/12/2022 01:07

Hell no! I have my own life, thank you very much.

Changingmynameyetagain · 29/12/2022 01:08

I don’t see my childhood house as my home and I’d hate to stay overnight, luckily I live 10 minutes away so it’s unlikely!
I moved out at 19 and that was that, I see my mum once a week and we speak once a week on the phone and that’s enough for me, we’re not particularly close and I find her hard work to deal with, she’s much closer to my sister.

On the other hand my DC Will always be welcome here, we’ve future proofed our house in the expectation the dc will live at home longer, mind you they are only teenagers so we have a while to go before they move out!

TimBoothseyes · 29/12/2022 01:31

I love it when DD comes home as she rarely does. I haven't seen her physically since May and she will be back for a couple of nights next week. She can stay as long as she likes, I never get tired of her being here.

Swipe left for the next trending thread