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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of 2 years wanting to use my inheritance to buy a house for his ex (and his child).

226 replies

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:21

I've been seeing a man for two years. We have known each other for many years as friends prior (about 22 years). We are both professionals who work full time. I received an inheritance recently and haven't done anything with it. I've been in a fog of grief and I will admit, that grief has been all-consuming at times. My partner seems to be brimming/full of wild ideas as to what to do with the money. I'm personally not interested in hearing about it anymore.

Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get f*ed. If not that, he has suggested all sorts of ideas on what to do with the money. Nothing wasteful (such as a 10 day bender) as we are both good with money and work in the financial services. But ever since this inheritance issue arose, he's turned into some kind of Warren Buffet as opposed to an actual partner... and it's gross.

I really am questioning if I even like his personality at this point.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 28/12/2022 12:02

I am sorry for your loss OP. You need to lose the DP too.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/12/2022 12:04

He is only with you for money. Id hate if anyone asked me what I was going to do with my money. Id get rid of him. MAke sure you have a will and get rid of him

sst1234 · 28/12/2022 12:08

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:24

(If it wasn't clear, the house would be for them to live in - not in her name!)

Would she be paying rent? To you?

KimberleyClark · 28/12/2022 12:08

IrisCosyCottage · 28/12/2022 10:43

Also, just as a contrast. I've had two relatively small inheritances in my life. My DH who is both very financially astute and very money motivated - but also not a complete arse - said each time 'it's your money. Do whatever you want with it'. And then never mentioned it again. I brought it up when I was ready to talk about it.

Same here. Received a six figure inheritance when DM died. DH has never made any suggestions I do anything with it.

Soothsayer1 · 28/12/2022 12:14

sst1234 · 28/12/2022 12:08

Would she be paying rent? To you?

Show quote history

She might start out playing rent and playing nicely but she will soon start taking the piss and the rent will go unpaid because she knows she can
he won't want his children evicted he will do everything he can't stop this happening and if you do it he'll make you feel so guilty your life will be hell because it will be your fault they are homeless
She'll end up living there for free on your dollar OP
He's looking for a way to get you over a barrel

Nameneeded · 28/12/2022 12:16

So rather than supporting you in your grief, he is already spending your money in his head . He has shown you what he is so don’t ignore him.

SkinnyFatte · 28/12/2022 12:18

If you're not married to this CF then he has no claims on your inheritance nor any other savings you might have.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Your "D"P is an insensitive grabby fuckwit. It's a good time to lose 11st plus in one day. Bin him.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2022 12:19

Good I’m glad you told him to get fucked.

His ex and his child aren’t suffering the loss of your loved one but you are. And that’s because they didn’t know them. It would just be like winning the lottery for them if they had a house bought for them. Fuck that.
And it sounds like he isn’t even a little bit sad either. He actually sounds excited. And he’s eager to look like the amazing ex and father buying his ex and child a house. It’s all him and his ego.

He needs to know that you owe his ex nothing, (and by extension his child too), Especially in these circumstances where you’re grieving and trying to figure out how to best make that money count for something.

AdoraBell · 28/12/2022 12:22

Sorry for your loss OP

As others have said, he’s showing his true colours now. Get rid.

workinmums · 28/12/2022 12:28

IMO, I think the term "partner" holds too much weight, especially here in the UK.
He is just your boyfriend, that's all. Doesn't matter the length of time together.
Shit hits the fan, what's yours is yours and what's his is his.

I often hear of people even buying property together with their "partner". I can't even understand that.

For him to even think he has a right to tell you what to do with YOUR money is beyond me. Get rid.

JocelynBurnell · 28/12/2022 12:30

Tonight he suggested that we buy a house nearby for his ex-partner to live in so he can have her and his two children that he shares with her, nearby. I snapped and told him to get fed.*

Only one word can follow this on your part - "goodbye!"

GG1986 · 28/12/2022 12:35

Wow I would definitely be ditching this guy! Do not let him get his grubby hands on your money. My partner has inheritance and I haven't asked for any of it or suggested ways to use it, we have been together over 12 years and have children. It isn't my money! You seriously need to rethink this relationship.

newtb · 28/12/2022 12:35

Be very careful, OP. I hope your finances are completely separate.
A friend's xh had a girl-friend who lived with him, keeping her own house, and when he died leaving an estate of about £600,000 the gf was left nothing. She went to a sollicitor and got a car and £80,000.
If/when you split up, hope it's when, he may try and get money from you.

Pearls1234 · 28/12/2022 12:39

Stick with your first response. He can, indeed, get fucked.

AnneElliott · 28/12/2022 12:39

I agree with everyone else that this is a red flag. I wouldn't necessarily dump him right away but if he ever mentioned it again I think it would walk. Hopefully he is embarrassed and ashamed after your reaction and won't mention it again.

It's your decision what to do with the money - and he shouldn't be raising the issue. You can bring it up if and when you want to.

I've been married to H for 23 years and I wouldn't not think it was my business if he inherited any money from family.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/12/2022 12:39

allegraldn · 28/12/2022 04:24

(If it wasn't clear, the house would be for them to live in - not in her name!)

Would it be only in your name and would they be paying rent?

SaintLoy · 28/12/2022 13:01

Often, when money comes in the door, love flies out of the window. I feel this guy is colossally insensitive. if not worse (£ signs flashing, funeral bells sounding to him like cash registers, presuming your money is 'his', etc) Also I see the mansplaining notion could be right. Totally agree that the house is a bad idea from every angle. I did once see a similar situation but the other way round. A (male) relative had an ex and kids and some years after the breakup got in a relationship with a woman with a very well paid job, her own house, etc. His ex expressed to him repeatedly the idea that she and the kid should benefit from his 'good fortune' and he should seek to channel some of it their way. He stood up to that strongly. The ex called him 'weak' and even said his girlfriend should buy the son a flat!!! No way, José. Much recrimination for a while. She got called 'tight'. By the way, I have heard of situations where the 'ex' isn't quite as 'ex' as all that and the better-off new partner is seen (and used) as a cash source. Best place for the inheritance is in long term bond, shares, etc, and not anything the boyfriend suggests. After all, the OP will want to retire one day.

Riverlee · 28/12/2022 13:10

CF-uckery of the higher order.

Think you’re seeing his true colours. Apart from anything, he’s putting his ex’s needs above yours.

Riverlee · 28/12/2022 13:10

Soothsayer1 · 28/12/2022 12:14

She might start out playing rent and playing nicely but she will soon start taking the piss and the rent will go unpaid because she knows she can
he won't want his children evicted he will do everything he can't stop this happening and if you do it he'll make you feel so guilty your life will be hell because it will be your fault they are homeless
She'll end up living there for free on your dollar OP
He's looking for a way to get you over a barrel

Show quote history

I agree.

ImBlueDab · 28/12/2022 13:11

Is he off his head on drugs! On what planet would you EVER buy a house for his ex to live in.

Tell him the money is not up for discussion any longer. Then go buy yourself premium bonds until you decide what you want to do with it

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2022 13:21

I'm sorry for your bereavement, OP.

You've known him for 22 years, but only in a relationship for 2 - is it possible that a relationship only became of interest to him when you had a relative who was older/unwell? I unfortunately know somebody who would find a person with a 60 year old parent suddenly became the woman of his dreams the moment she became a person with an 82 year old parent (or a 65 year old parent with a serious illness). Just for long enough to get the inheritance in a place where it would benefit him, mind.

Keep your anger and tell him to get to fuck permanently. Vultures have more decorum than this.

brusselspout · 28/12/2022 13:23

Whaaaaaa!!

Tell him to get to fuck.
A partner of 2 years?!
Cheeky fucker

SaintLoy · 28/12/2022 13:27

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2022 13:21

I'm sorry for your bereavement, OP.

You've known him for 22 years, but only in a relationship for 2 - is it possible that a relationship only became of interest to him when you had a relative who was older/unwell? I unfortunately know somebody who would find a person with a 60 year old parent suddenly became the woman of his dreams the moment she became a person with an 82 year old parent (or a 65 year old parent with a serious illness). Just for long enough to get the inheritance in a place where it would benefit him, mind.

Keep your anger and tell him to get to fuck permanently. Vultures have more decorum than this.

I was thinking this too.

alwayslearning789 · 28/12/2022 13:29

Firstly and most importantly I'm very sorry for your loss OP. Hope you get the space to heal and grieve.

On the matter of this CF , here is my very first (and have been here for a long time):

LTB

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2022 13:33

@allegraldn

Tell him you've put it in a 'timed' investment (not sure what's available in the UK) for your retirement/possible future needs and that the money is 'locked in' for the next 5 years. Or better yet, tell him you've set up trusts for your children/nieces and nephews with the money. See what he says then.

Sounds like a greedy bastard you'd be well rid of. I hope you aren't living together!!