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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike when friends invite other friends…

113 replies

AnnieApple123 · 27/12/2022 22:51

Y’know when you make plans with a friend and right beforehand they suddenly announce that, ‘Oh by the way, I’ve invited Blah Blah along too!’ Completely changing the dynamic.

Do others dislike this too? Or do most of you genuinely take a ‘more the merrier’ approach?

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/12/2022 22:52

I dislike it too.
I would prefer the friend to ask first. Just because sometimes I have agreed because I want a quiet catch up and depending on the person it can make a big difference.

Keyansier · 27/12/2022 22:56

I don't mind this. I definitely think the more the merrier. Do you think it might be a subconscious thing that makes you dislike it because it means less focus on you from your friend?

XenoBitch · 27/12/2022 22:58

YANBU I hate it too.
I have cancelled meeting a friend when they have announced someone I have never met is coming too. I am very shy, so it is a nightmare for me when someone new turns up.

KatMcBundleFace · 27/12/2022 23:01

Depends on what I'm doing, or how long it is since I've seen someone.

U1sce · 27/12/2022 23:01

Oh I hate this too. It completely changes the dynamic and Im not always up for meeting new people or people I dont know well. It isnt because I want the attention on me as a pp suggested, Im just happy with a smaller group of friends I know and trust rather than having lots of acquaintances that I have coffee with

Thatiswild · 27/12/2022 23:04

I don’t like it either. I prefer seeing friends one on one mostly so prefer to know who will be there, I’ve not gone to things when the lineup has changed unexpectedly, in a polite way of course - and I am a very inclusive person in general.

gannett · 27/12/2022 23:05

Definitely "the more the merrier" for me. I trust my friends' taste in people (they are friends with me, after all) and the more good, interesting people in my life the better. This is also the best way to meet new people for me - I'm crap in situations where I don't know anyone in the room, can never bring myself to start a conversation with a stranger, but give me an introduction and I'm good to go.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/12/2022 23:05

I generally think the more the merrier, but I am wary of doing it myself because I've had the experience of good friends of mine not liking each other at all (and in fairness not appearing to good advantage in each others company) and I hate it. I mostly keep them in their groups now.

Miss03852 · 27/12/2022 23:05

YANBU I feel the same. We aren’t all social butterfly’s!

saraclara · 27/12/2022 23:07

I hate it. Fine if the friend suggests it before asking the other person (and doesn't make it awkward for me to say I'd rather not). But just inviting them without asking? Nope.

OnlyFannys · 27/12/2022 23:08

Feel like there is going to be a strong introvert/extrovert divide here 😂

XenoBitch · 27/12/2022 23:09

OnlyFannys · 27/12/2022 23:08

Feel like there is going to be a strong introvert/extrovert divide here 😂

Introvert/Extrovert is about how your energy is spent/recharged in social situations. It is nothing to do with how social or shy you are.

figrollmop · 27/12/2022 23:10

I don't mind. My friends have never invited someone that I didn't like or wouldn't get along with so it's ok by me. I would prefer a little heads up normally though so I can be mentally prepared.

Augend23 · 27/12/2022 23:11

I'm a more the merrier type person but I know not everyone is so I would always ask first.

saraclara · 27/12/2022 23:11

Keyansier · 27/12/2022 22:56

I don't mind this. I definitely think the more the merrier. Do you think it might be a subconscious thing that makes you dislike it because it means less focus on you from your friend?

Why on earth would you think that of anyone?

If I'm meeting a friend for a one to one chat, then I want to be able to chat, to be able to talk personal stuff, and not to have to adapt my conversation to a stranger being there. It's not about attention, it's about things that I and a friend know about each other, and not knowing what can be discussed with the extra person around.

A group situation is different. If there's already a few of us, an addition can be fine. But I think it's rude to bring a third person to a planned one to one meet up.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 27/12/2022 23:12

It’s bloody rude, it’s like your company is not enough.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 27/12/2022 23:13

I hate it and think its really rude

MysweetAudrina · 27/12/2022 23:13

I like to be inclusive so would never mind. There seems to be so many posts from people who have difficulty making friends and meeting new people that I think it nice when people try to include others in meet-ups.

breezinthrough · 27/12/2022 23:14

Oh no I haaaaate this! I have one friend that always does this and it’s so annoying! Totally changes the dynamic and you just might not be in the mood to be totally “on” as such and be chatting to people you don’t know so well/never met before. Wouldn’t be for moi

TheBirdintheCave · 27/12/2022 23:14

Ugh this annoys me so much. Once I invited some friends I'd made at a writing group over to watch a film. One of them decided to bring his girlfriend and best friend without asking first. I'd never met either of them before and they weren't part of the group so it was really awkward. I also did not have enough snacks for everyone 🤦🏻‍♀️

Strangebrew · 27/12/2022 23:18

Honestly given the choice I would rather cancel than have this happen again. I ultimately don’t find it relaxing and enjoyable to spend an evening making small talk with strangers ; it is for me a very different evening to one planned in the company of friends where I can be myself.

Annoyingly last time my friend didn’t ask, she simply announced when we met up that she’d invited someone else to join us.

Wineat5isfine · 27/12/2022 23:21

I don’t like this at all. When you have an established friends group and someone tries to bring in another family - it’s just a bit weird.

currently going through this and it’s caused issues

XenoBitch · 27/12/2022 23:24

MysweetAudrina · 27/12/2022 23:13

I like to be inclusive so would never mind. There seems to be so many posts from people who have difficulty making friends and meeting new people that I think it nice when people try to include others in meet-ups.

I was struggling with my mental health, and a friend arranged to meet up with me. On the way to meet me, she caught her teenage daughter skiving off school, so brought her along.
Her DD was a proper madam, and I felt like an annoyance to them... I left feeling worse than ever.

I have another friend who always has her son with her. He is 38, so not a kid. He just insists on being there, and I feel I can't talk about anything other than the weather when he is there.

I am not against meeting new people.. but it has to be on my terms.

Menomenon · 27/12/2022 23:25

Yeah, I am half-and-half here. Ultimately, as we age we need to keep meeting people and opening ourselves up to new people and new experiences, so on balance I think it is generally fine. And I think ‘more the merrier’ people have better, happier lives.

Having said that, it can be disappointing if there is a particular thing that I want to discuss or tell the friend that just wouldn’t be appropriate with someone else there.

Bpdqueen · 27/12/2022 23:27

Hate it, it makes me really uncomfortable

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