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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike when friends invite other friends…

113 replies

AnnieApple123 · 27/12/2022 22:51

Y’know when you make plans with a friend and right beforehand they suddenly announce that, ‘Oh by the way, I’ve invited Blah Blah along too!’ Completely changing the dynamic.

Do others dislike this too? Or do most of you genuinely take a ‘more the merrier’ approach?

OP posts:
Orangelover · 28/12/2022 12:56

Depends on the extra person invited Grin I have a friend that does this, she's a more the merrier type and hates to think of anyone left out so I frequently get told "so and so is coming along too hope that's ok!"

Most of the time I don't mind as we have lots of mutual friends who I happily spend time with all together, but there's a couple of her friends that I'm really not keen on and definitely would never choose to spend the day/evening with!

lieselotte · 28/12/2022 13:09

I think it depends on the context. One time I was visiting a friend overseas and she invited other friends round and I felt like I wasn't good enough (I suppose you could argue she wanted to show me off but I don't think so :) )

If I am going out with a friend for coffee and she invites a mutual friend or someone she would like me to meet, that's fine unless we were meeting to discuss something private.

Funkyslippers · 28/12/2022 13:19

I think it's rude to just invite someone without asking. It's happened 3 times in recent years but it's people who are pretty thoughtless generally tbh. The last time it was my cousin who decided to bring my aunt and there was a bit of tension between my aunt & I so it was awkward and obviously completely changes the dynamic

Funkyslippers · 28/12/2022 13:22

Mckmck not mean. It's just rude not to ask in advance

SeveruslyFrazzled · 28/12/2022 13:35

I’m not a fan of this no

talomon · 28/12/2022 13:37

Hmm I actually like it. I am a massive introvert, but find meting people like this (as long as the group doesn't get more than 4-5 people) to be quite nice.
It would be incredibly rude though if someone brings a friend to your house or a party you are hosting though.

Dragonskin · 28/12/2022 13:46

Unless it's someone I know (and get on with) I hate it.

Splonker · 28/12/2022 13:51

I got sprung like this too. Was going out with a friend and when I got there she had her teen dc with her too. Like they'd be interested... 🙄

moleeye · 28/12/2022 13:51

Nope, hate it. Beyond irritating, changes the dynamic and pisses me off!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/12/2022 14:05

I think it’s definitely rude if you’ve agreed you’re going to see just that one person, especially if you have things you wanted to talk to about with them.

I’ve had it a few times in my life and to be honest it’s affected how I see that friendship. If it’s agreed beforehand, great, that’s fine. It’s also polite.

I did have this with a friend of mine who used to bring her new boyfriend every time we met up! There was one particular time I’d wanted to speak to her about women’s health issues but couldn’t with him there! They’re now married with DC and a few years ago we met up (have done so a few times) I brought it up tactfully or she did, but she said he’d just moved to London from Yorkshire to start a new job, didn’t know anyone in London and used to ask to tag along. Apart from the “introducing a new boyfriend” occasion she actually hadn’t wanted him to tag along on the other times but he made her feel bad if she didn’t bring him. Nowadays she definitely meets up without him (he does babysitting but her teenage son can now babysit the 9 year old!) as she prefers that.

ichundich · 28/12/2022 14:12

I so hate this too. Especially if said friends of friend don't make any effort with new people. I find it happens a lot less now that I'm older.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/12/2022 14:15

I did have a friend who when I met her (other side of town, big shopping centre) would invite another specific friend, either telling me or not if she was coming. This friend was in fact very nice, and I got on with her and we all talked about similar topics. I think with inviting her friend along, they were both catching up as it was the weekend and they both lived near each other. Also, this was mostly Saturdays or Sundays (sometimes I’d stay at my friend’s house if we’d both been out the night before) so sometimes we’d go out that night and the friend invited along for the day didn’t come as she didn’t really like going out much at night.

cynicat · 28/12/2022 14:16

I hate it too.

Original poster
AnnieApple123 · 28/12/2022 14:20

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/12/2022 14:05

I think it’s definitely rude if you’ve agreed you’re going to see just that one person, especially if you have things you wanted to talk to about with them.

I’ve had it a few times in my life and to be honest it’s affected how I see that friendship. If it’s agreed beforehand, great, that’s fine. It’s also polite.

I did have this with a friend of mine who used to bring her new boyfriend every time we met up! There was one particular time I’d wanted to speak to her about women’s health issues but couldn’t with him there! They’re now married with DC and a few years ago we met up (have done so a few times) I brought it up tactfully or she did, but she said he’d just moved to London from Yorkshire to start a new job, didn’t know anyone in London and used to ask to tag along. Apart from the “introducing a new boyfriend” occasion she actually hadn’t wanted him to tag along on the other times but he made her feel bad if she didn’t bring him. Nowadays she definitely meets up without him (he does babysitting but her teenage son can now babysit the 9 year old!) as she prefers that.

This reminds me of when I was at uni and an old school friend was due to come down to stay with me for the weekend. She texted a couple of days before to ask if she could bring her new boyfriend of just two weeks. I couldn’t think of a polite way to say no. The two of them slept in my bed whilst I was in a sleeping bag on the floor. Two more weeks later they broke up.

OP posts:
Badleg87 · 28/12/2022 14:32

Yanbu OP. I hate this. A friend of mine does this quite a lot and it really irritates me. I don't want to spend quality time with people I barely know.

ScottishLavender · 28/12/2022 14:51

I had a close friend do this. I had had a serious health problem, recently lost a relative and had concerns as to my partners mental health. She invited me over because I said that I needed to talk to someone (NOT for advice, more tea and sympathy) and when I got there she calmly said "X (a gossipy neighbour) is here" so I replied that I'd go home again as I didn't want my problems known by many and she breezed along "we've got nothing to say because nothing ever happens so we'll do some sewing instead"

I just said that I wasn't in the mood for sewing and went home. She even called out "oh is there a problem?" 🙄

She's now in training to be a counsellor.

Herejustforthisone · 28/12/2022 14:53

I’m of the more the merrier, even more is a party mindset.

BradfordGirl · 28/12/2022 15:03

It isn't a party mindset. It is a - I have low emotional intelligence mindset.

yellowsmileyface · 28/12/2022 15:19

I hate this too. I had a friend who used to do it a lot, I simply explained to him that I need time to mentally prepare for who's going to be there, and can he give me some warning when he's invited other people rather than spring it on me last minute. Nowadays he always asks before inviting other people.

I sometimes have a more the merrier attitude depending on the context, but I do like to have some idea of how many people I can expect to be there.

vivainsomnia · 28/12/2022 15:39

It really depends on the relationship and the need for the meeting. If I arrange to meet with someone to have a good old moaning session together a out something we share or not, I certainly would be very annoyed by it. They are things I'm happy to share with a close friend that I wouldn't with someone I am not as close too.

If the meeting is to attend an event, visit a special place and conversation is expected to be about banalities, I'm not so bothered.

ClaireVictorias · 28/12/2022 15:41

Depends who the friend is! Sometimes I take a friend with me if I feel slightly uncomfortable in situations! Or the more the merrier I say!

Macaroni46 · 28/12/2022 15:53

I hate it and now that I'm older and more outspoken, I just say, oh that's not what I was expecting. You two carry on and I'll meet with you by ourselves another time. And I don't go. After saying that a couple of times, the friend who had form for doing this, stopped doing it.

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 15:55

I don’t mind, and find it childish when adults do mind.

Its your friends evening out as much as yours, but this is MN an introverts paradise so you’ll get the support you want here

saraclara · 28/12/2022 15:59

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 15:55

I don’t mind, and find it childish when adults do mind.

Its your friends evening out as much as yours, but this is MN an introverts paradise so you’ll get the support you want here

Why childish? I don't understand that at all. Adults make arrangements and stick to them, don't they? Or at least ask if its okay before they change them?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/12/2022 16:04

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 15:55

I don’t mind, and find it childish when adults do mind.

Its your friends evening out as much as yours, but this is MN an introverts paradise so you’ll get the support you want here

But it's not always an "evening out" is it? If I was going out in a group of 8 or so and 2 exta friends got invited along thats fine.

As per PP's though, sometimes it changes the dynamic away from what one person had intended - eg a catch up between two friends who hadn't seen each other for months or a University/old job reunion.

It's certainly not childish in those circumstances.

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