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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike when friends invite other friends…

113 replies

AnnieApple123 · 27/12/2022 22:51

Y’know when you make plans with a friend and right beforehand they suddenly announce that, ‘Oh by the way, I’ve invited Blah Blah along too!’ Completely changing the dynamic.

Do others dislike this too? Or do most of you genuinely take a ‘more the merrier’ approach?

OP posts:
Ticketyboots · 28/12/2022 01:24

Has anyone ever been that friend that unilaterally adds a random to the pre-arranged meet-up?

Not seen anyone on this thread admit that.

I would initially be disappointed as my expectations would have been otherwise but when it’s actually happened I’ve had a good time in the end.

HerRoyalNotness · 28/12/2022 01:31

Yep I hate that too. I had a friend say she’d invited someone else on our weekend away. It was my DC birthday so I had to run around and do more party bags for their DC. I’d met them before and they were nice enough but they were just a bit wet when it came to decisions and took ages to get anything done. I was on a tight timeline on the last day and had to just get on with the excursion while they were messing about with other things. Threw the whole thing off tbh. Was disappointed in my friend

Mckmck · 28/12/2022 01:32

Unless you know the extra invited, you don't know what is going on. It could be a massively needed step
I would always say more the merrier

Mckmck · 28/12/2022 01:36

A lot of you come across as mean TBH

ShinyPikachu · 28/12/2022 01:38

I don't mind it in some situations but I do in others. I guess it depends on if it's a proper catch up/conversation we have planned or just a few drinks and lighter chat.

I have one friend who randomly brings her (teenage so could easily stay at home) DD when we've made plans for a catch up and it totally ruins the dynamic as we can't talk about some things in front of the DD. She never warns me either so it's put me off ever making plans with her when it's school holidays or a weekend.

OnlyFannys · 28/12/2022 01:40

XenoBitch · 27/12/2022 23:09

Introvert/Extrovert is about how your energy is spent/recharged in social situations. It is nothing to do with how social or shy you are.

Show quote history

But as an introvert having to be more "on" for people you dont know very well is far more draining than meeting a friend you know well (I speak as an introvert tho admittedly an introvert who struggles with social anxiety)

Whatifthegrassisblue · 28/12/2022 01:42

OnlyFannys · 27/12/2022 23:08

Feel like there is going to be a strong introvert/extrovert divide here 😂

I'm an extrovert, very social and love meeting people but I don't like it if I've specifically arranged a 1:1 with a friend as I would be hoping for quality time with my friend, rather than a more party vibe

asblindasabat · 28/12/2022 01:46

YANBU.

for me, it depends whether I know the other person or not, whether I like them or not and the basis of my meeting with my friend.

if I’m wanting some one to one time with my friend, then I’d be a bit pissed off. If not, I don’t think I’d mind too much another person coming. But either way, I’d still expect to be asked first. I think it’s rude and quite cheeky if a friend invites someone else to your gathering or a one-to-one gathering without your permission.

RiverSkater · 28/12/2022 02:00

Depends. A mutual friend with no advice or confidences needing to be exchanged all ok.

Ransom strangers from your gym when it's our Christmas meet up - no.

gannett · 28/12/2022 02:11

SingedToast · 28/12/2022 00:10

Yes, yes, yes. Mn posters constantly equate introversion with shyness, social anxiety or a general disinclination to socialise, and extroversion with confidence and sociability, when it’s nothing of the kind. You will not necessarily be able to tell an introvert from an extrovert in a social situation.

OP, I would describe myself as a sociable introvert — I love being around other people, but I need a lot of solitude — and for me, the (slight) risk of an occasion being less fun with new faces is worth it for the possibility of making new friends via existing ones. I went to a party with a friend last week (which I know isn’t quite the same)and came away with the phone numbers of two people I liked, and am going to contact in the new year.

Show quote history

I'm also a sociable introvert. I love socialising and meeting new people but I need introductions to grease the wheels first, and then I also need time alone to recharge. A lot of people who've only seen me in social butterfly mode have been surprised to learn that I'm not particularly extroverted.

I wonder how much of these responses are to do with how interested you are in meeting new people. I feel that generally, people my age (late 30s) are losing more interest in it - it's not something I want to lose though.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/12/2022 03:07

I hate this too! My friend always used to invite a woman I couldn’t stand - who would do things like shout ‘shots shots shots’ whilst banging the table and when I said no ‘not for me’ she’d call me “BOOOORING!” - and in the end I stopped organising nights out. I just wanted me and my friend!

Scroogette · 28/12/2022 03:08

gannett · 28/12/2022 02:11

I'm also a sociable introvert. I love socialising and meeting new people but I need introductions to grease the wheels first, and then I also need time alone to recharge. A lot of people who've only seen me in social butterfly mode have been surprised to learn that I'm not particularly extroverted.

I wonder how much of these responses are to do with how interested you are in meeting new people. I feel that generally, people my age (late 30s) are losing more interest in it - it's not something I want to lose though.

Show quote history

I don't think it's down to interest in meeting new people. I am in my 30s would also describe myself as a sociable introvert. I would say it's about the appropriate context.

If I have joined a new club, or group activity, for example, I psych myself up to get through the small talk phase, which I hate, as I know that there's a good chance that there will be at least one or two people I actually click with. However, I hate the initial phase and find it draining, as I only really enjoy socialising with people who I have got to know well.

If I have arranged to meet an existing friend 1 on 1, or a very small group of friends, and then someone invites a random, I hate it, because it changes the dynamic to the shit, early, small-talk phase that I only ever endure in the hope of finding true friends.

It's more frustrating in that situation, as the chances that I am going to have so much in common with a single random mutual friend are very slim (it's never happened), and the chances that the random and the friend who invited them will talk about shared experiences, in-jokes etc. that don't include me are very high.

TheGuv1982 · 28/12/2022 04:35

I’ve got a mate like this. Every time I arrange to meet him, there’s always someone else in toe.

“This is so and so” who I don’t know from Adam - And I don’t really fancy a sesh with complete randoms as I have no idea if they can hold their drink or not.

Imogensmumma · 28/12/2022 04:54

Hate it , you end up doing social chit chat as opposed to talking in depth with your friend.

The other week I organised to visit with my baby DD a friend who has moved 2 hours away so it was a big deal not just going out for coffee. Get to her house her neighbour is there and doesn’t leave. The neighbour took over the whole conversation and I left after barely talking with an overtired child. I was livid

Andsoforth · 28/12/2022 05:25

I spent my twenties and thirties trying to be a “more the merrier” type of person, but these days I just accept that a person who invites others along doesn’t have the same interest in an intimate conversation with me, and I don’t invest my time with them.

It sounds a bit harsh put down like that, but it’s ok that people like different dynamics. I’m just too old now to swim against the tide or gaslight myself about what other people are like.

HairyMcLarie · 28/12/2022 06:02

Oh god yes. I have a newish friend who will say things like 'do you and DH fancy meeting us at X bar for a few drinks?' We arrive and she's literally invited 8 other people.

Same when she invites us over for dinner and theres always attendance from a raggle taggle bunch of randomers who have nothing in common.

Ironically I invited her and her DH over for lunch and thought well ill get another couple over too given she does it to us. She was clearly very very put out that it wasn't a special event in their honour!

Augend23 · 28/12/2022 06:17

Ticketyboots · 28/12/2022 01:24

Has anyone ever been that friend that unilaterally adds a random to the pre-arranged meet-up?

Not seen anyone on this thread admit that.

I would initially be disappointed as my expectations would have been otherwise but when it’s actually happened I’ve had a good time in the end.

So having said further up thread that I always ask, I do remember one time that I had to apologise and explain rather than ask.

I had arranged to meet up with one friend, cocked up and not put it in my diary. I then arranged to meet a second friend at the same time. I then tripled the cock up by booking an appliance delivery on the same day.

I ended up asking them both to come to me, apologising profusely and explaining I'd made an error and then cooking a (really good!) brunch. They had been invited (knowingly) to various of the same events and mentioned afterwards how well they liked the other, so it didn't feel like a huge stretch, and I think I believe they didn't mind.

I still wouldn't have done it if I hadn't screwed up though. I think it helps that that's absolutely 100% not a normal behaviour for me so I think people tend to allow more lenience.

Chocchops72 · 28/12/2022 06:20

I’m very much an extrovert - by the ‘recharge my batteries with company’ definition - and I hate this. I have one friend who does / did this regularly and now I always check in advance if she has invited others. If she has, I often pull out - she does it less often now. I hate how it changes the dynamics, plus frankly I’ve already got enough friends, I’m not particularly in the market for new acquaintances, I just want to enjoy the ones I do have.

I’d never do this to someone, if I invite a group they always know about it right from the invitation stage so they can make an informed choice about who they want to spend time with.

LlynTegid · 28/12/2022 06:54

Asking at the time you make the arrangements seems fine to me, not last minute or say on the day.

Not something I do by the way.

Confitofduckand · 28/12/2022 07:24

I hope that the people who think this is ok read your thread and stop doing it.

I have a uni friend who has done this over the course of a twenty year friendship. She thinks it is ok. Why? I avoid meeting up with her because of it. I don’t have time to organise childcare etc or not do the other things I need to do for a superficial conversation with someone who is nothing more than an acquaintance (albeit in the company of the person I had wanted to see).

I have another friend who invites her bf (who is a ten years older married man with four children) without telling me, for probably one in three of the times that she arranges to meet up with me. It is excruciating. I’ve stopped meeting up because of it.

They are the only two who do it, but why can’t they say, ‘I am with x on this day, would you like to join us?’

KohlaParasaurus · 28/12/2022 07:25

Ticketyboots · 28/12/2022 01:24

Has anyone ever been that friend that unilaterally adds a random to the pre-arranged meet-up?

Not seen anyone on this thread admit that.

I would initially be disappointed as my expectations would have been otherwise but when it’s actually happened I’ve had a good time in the end.

I'm sure I must have done, and I've also been the random. I hope I've never done it to a friend who wanted a serious one to one conversation about something delicate.

Generally I don't mind spending time with other people's randoms, although there have been striking exceptions such as a student friend inviting another friend on an outing because we had one space in the car we'd hired and that friend turning up with her huge stroppy 12 year old in tow, and any situation in which someone has brought her male partner to a deliberately all female social event because even a nice bloke completely changes the dynamic.

Oblomov22 · 28/12/2022 07:35

Why don't you say something?

CosyScentedCandles · 28/12/2022 08:06

Yes very annoying. Exception is when someone asks and that person is a logical addition to the group.

eg. Meant to meet up with 2 old uni friends in the summer. Both of those friends are in touch with a third friend who I knew at uni but have only seen once or twice in the 10 years since - not close to but got along fine. Ended up having a great time

hopsalong · 28/12/2022 08:25

What I hate even more is getting invited round for dinner by a friend - no mention of other attendees- and then turning up to a dinner party/group of people I had no idea would be there. This happens a lot... is it a thing?

If someone invited me for dinner I would assume it was (such a quaint phrase now!) a dinner party unless they explicitly specified otherwise (come over and let's have a takeaway/ movie night in, etc.).

JustDanceAddict · 28/12/2022 08:29

Depends what it is.
a one-to-one catch up - v annoying & it’s happened to me.
a bigger gathering/party - no issue but also depends who the person is.