MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

That’s a crying shame for children who are dependent on quality care outside of their own family.

A far cry from the fostering assessment process 30 years ago. So sad that children's services have succumbed to a second rate service 😣 Children deserve better

I'm a foster carer with ten years experience. When we welcomed our first foster child, a newborn baby, our daughter had just turned 3 and our son was 7. For the first six years we only fostered babies.
You've received lots of very negative comments on here and some of it is misinformed too. As you can see from my experience it is simply not true that you will automatically be turned down because your own child is so young, nor that only experienced carers are able to foster babies.
I strongly disagree that fostering will automatically be a negative experience for your daughter, there are plenty of benefits to having another child around in the family, and my children have gained and learned from the experience.
You've been told many times on this thread that you're naive. I really don't think that's fair. Everyone is naive at the start of a process. I was a nursery nurse before I had children, I was very naive when I started my nursery nurse training! I was pretty naive years later as a newly pregnant first time Mum. If you pursue your interest in fostering you will have lots of sessions with a social worker, do a training course and be given lots of reading suggestions, and will learn more about the reality of fostering. You might decide or be advised it's not for you, or to wait a few years or you might go ahead and foster a small baby who is several years younger than your daughter.
Several posters have said that all children in foster care have suffered trauma, including babies. I don't disagree, but the results of the trauma may not be so apparent in young babies. As an example I fostered a baby boy from age 5 days to 15 months. I have stayed in touch with his adoptive parents and now age 10 he has significant behaviour problems and has an EHCP and 1to1 support in school. But as a baby he was really no harder to look after than any other baby I have cared for, he fed well, slept well and met all his milestones.
OP I wish you all the best. I don't have any advice about your mother in law's lack of support, you your husband and your assessing social worker will need to explore what it would mean to you to go ahead even if she is set against it.
But I did want to counter some of the horror stories people are telling you. For me fostering is one of the most fulfilling and satisfying things I've ever done.

In your place, I'd wait a while longer, op, until the children you already have are more manageable,

You are not unreasonable to be upset by what your mother in law said, neither is she unreasonable to have said it. She is worried about you.

Fostering is a huge undertaking which affects the whole family. One hopes that children will be matched with the 'right' foster parents but I doubt that is the usual as there is such a shortage of foster carers.

From what you have outlined here, you seem ideal foster parents! You like to be stretched. Just be cautious, take your time before commiting.

What stands out for me is you seem to think you won't be fostering a "troubled" child. You have mentioned loads that not every child in the system will be troubled and are banking on fostering an "easier" child. But what if you don't? Every child in the system has suffered some trauma, will have different triggers, will need serious support.

I think you should wait until you can explain fostering to your DD. How confusing would it be for a toddler!? What effect would that have on her?

You’ve been through a lot, amazingly you’ve come out of it and built a great life for yourself and your family. You want to give back, I get that. But please don’t, for your daughter’s sake.

Others have explained why much better than I can but I’ll join the voices who are saying that if you must, and you’re still up for it by then, do it when she’s an older teenager, but not before.

I’d ignore many of the comments on this thread. Fostering babies might really suit you and your family. Not sure I’d recommend older kids with your Dd being so young. Do talk to the LA. I think you have been treated unfairly on here.

There's plenty of literature around attachment theory which supports this, it's very widely accepted by most professionals within the care system. If you consider that babies generally are programmed to depend entirely on their mum for survival, being removed from their mum can be experienced as a life threatening event even if someone else steps in to caretake. This can lead to a variety of attachment disorders emerging in later stages that affect the child's relationship with caregivers and others. I would recommend that anyone considering fostering read up on this as it can be very hard for the child and the people trying to build relationships with them. Then there's also the impact of cortisol in the system of a foetus if the mum is living in a high stress environment while pregnant (including the stress of having your child removed even if it is from the hospital. ) This is why you're encouraged to interact with your foetus while pregnant by touch and speech to further develop these bonds prior to birth.

I have no faith in SSD. My Grandson was placed in foster care. He was placed with a newly recruited foster carer. Young, single mother with a baby two months younger than my grandson. Both under 2 years old.

SS reports to court stated that the grandparents of the child were spoken to and assessed for suitability to take on the caring role for my grandson and found to be unsuitable. I was never approached, or assessed. Neither were his paternal grandparents. A long battle against SS commenced.

My 18 month old grandson was moved 4 times, from foster carer to foster carer because each set of foster carers were not prepared for what was required of them. None were prepared to transport my grandson for daily contact with myself, as per my assessment.

Long story short, my GS was, eventually, placed with me, following 3 years, being shunted around several foster care placements. 15 years later he has enjoyed a healthy relationship with his maternal and paternal grandparents plus regular, supervised, contact meetings with his birth parents. None of which would have taken place if he had remained in foster care. He wouldn’t have even known about his paternal grandparents if I hadn’t fought for him.

During the 3+ years he was in foster care, whilst I, and his paternal grandparents, underwent assessment, the only foster carers who stuck it out were those who had no other children in their care. The foster carers who had young children gave up as soon as the care of their child became secondary to the needs of my grandson. That’s as it should be. Every parent should put their own child first. That’s why the best foster parents have no children and can afford the child in their care the best care, according to their individual needs. Children within the care system should be assured of the best care. They should never be second best to a foster carers own child.

I’ve since heard that every foster child should be two years younger than a foster carers own child. I don’t know how right that is but it makes sense.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what other people think OP. You’ve had a lot of flack on this thread, which personally I think is unwarranted. Go and talk to your LA. Be prepared that they MIGHT say to wait. But equally they may have children who need care, who would be a perfect fit for your set up. You’ve got nothing to lose by enquiring. Even if the answer is “wait” there may well be courses, or voluntary roles that you could fill, that would stand you in good stead in the future. I wish you luck. We need more people prepared to take on these essential roles, not be putting them off with scare stories.

I can't put my finger on what you have said specifically but it feels from the way you have written you are doing if for you more than children

This is not meant as a criticism but with your background it may be best to wait

Common sense would say wait until your DD has grown up.

When my dd was a toddler and I knew I couldn’t have anymore children, I did think of fostering as my grandparents had fostered. Shortly after, I became too ill to cope with looking after my dd and really struggled on a daily basis. I also suffered trauma as a child and realise now that my dd is a teen I was incredibly naive about the whole process.

By all means look into it op. However, I do think you would do well to wait until your dd is older. You are at the beginning of the parenting journey. It’s still a honeymoon period.

It’s great you want to foster but honestly your DD is too little, and she has to be your number one priority. As a toddler she would be very confused and scared if an older child suddenly moved in and started having meltdowns or becoming angry/aggressive. I would wait until she’s 10 ish then foster much younger kids.

Sorry Op
i think that she has a point. Many of my relatives are foster carers but their biological kids are much older than the foster children .

I would advise you not to. DH grew up with foster kids from when he was around ten till he left home. It had a huge negative impact on him and more so on his younger sister. His DM spent all her time and energy on the foster kids who needed more time and energy due to their complex needs

I’m a foster carer, don’t do it until your child is at least 18 seriously, just don’t.

You have no idea how much of your time fostering takes up. The foster child (quite rightly) becomes the focus of your family, everything revolves around them.

You are being very naive if you think you could foster children younger than your daughter just now, your daughter needs YOU, and you won’t be able to give her the time or the attention she needs if you foster babies at the moment never mind if you foster children older than her. Remember some of these poor children and young people have suffered very serious abuse which these young people sometimes mirror on others.

The majority of babies who comes into the system are very sick babies, babies that need care 24/7, you WONT be able to care for these babies and your own child. I take it your husband will be working in a full time job? Your relationship with your husband is very likely to change too. Fostering a troubled young person can be VERY challenging. Remember you can’t just say to your husband “lets the 2 of us go out for a meal” who is going to care for the foster child if you do that……your family? They need to be approved to be babysitters. Safer caring is a big thing in fostering, not everyone is prepared to put themselves in a position where an allegation can be made against them, and allegations do happen.

Its great you want to foster, honestly it really is, but just don’t do it now.

Maybe try a befriending service for a young child where you can spend time with them for a couple of hours every week for the moment.

I fostered children when my youngest was 16, and they still say to me that they felt they lost me as a mum.

It is a very lonely being a foster carer.

Honestly, just don’t do it, not just now.

Why did you tell her on Christmas Day? Sounds selfish and/or that you wanted to be held as some saviour/cheesy Christmas movie hero.

Our youngest is 10 and we have said no child older than 8.We also only do emergency care - so could be one night up to 5 nights. Maybe look at that?

She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’.

All of these things are true though and the language you quote is perfectly measured and reasonable.

If you are in the fortunate position not to need to work there are other ways to support vulnerable children without bringing them into your toddler’s home. You could re-train. A friend is an art therapist working with children in care and finds it very rewarding. Have you considered training as an Appropriate Adult or a magistrate?

Why did you tell her on Christmas Day? Sounds selfish and/or that you wanted to be held as some saviour/cheesy Christmas movie hero.

Yes I wondered about that. Poor MIL is probably worried and that announcement possibly put a dampener on the day/spoiled her Christmas day. It was selfish and cruel of OP to do that. It appears OP just didn't think. All about them/their excitement at wanting to foster that they are oblivious to how MIL might feel about getting that news and spoiling the day. If my child had a 2 year old and announced on Christmas day that they were going to foster, it really would have ruined the day for me. OP is completely oblivious to MIL's feelings.

Honestly don't do it. I have a background of significant childhood trauma and PTSD , I went into working with people with MH problems it was a mistake and incredibly triggering. I still nurse but it's male forensics , dementia , brain injury and neuro absolutely no lived experience but I really enjoy it and feel like I'm making a difference.

The point PP makes about allegations is a good one, and remember that where necessary an allegation made by a foster child can lead to your own child being taken into care during the investigation (this is rare but does happen). This thread is quite useful www.mumsnet.com/talk/fostering/4376126-35-of-fostering-households-have-had-an-allegation-made-against-them

Wow. I've only read the first page and am amazed at the responses. We fostered for 16 years, starting when my youngest of four was age 2. We took teens - mainly.
Yes there were issues- not every child will fit in - but we took special guardianship for one and then carried on fostering others.
With a toddler in the house teens would be ideal - they are more independent so you'll be a be able create the 121 time with your own child easier. As long as you are both on board 100% it can work - i miss it and would go back to it in a heartbeat if it wasn't for health concerns.
Any questions or just wanting a more positive view feel free to message

You don't get to choose to "easy" children to foster based on your own wants and needs.

We foster - short term and respite. We started when our DCs were 8 and 10. They've been amazing, really welcoming and empathetic. It's been a positive experience for them, but they're resilient, independent and really well adjusted kids - we wouldn't have done it if they weren't.

I also wouldn't recommend it when you have younger children due to their competing needs. However, I have a friend who fostered for decades, even while her own children were babies. She made it work and her children grew up in a happy household where they were loved. She's one of the reasons we started fostering. She remembers each and every child that came through her house and talks about them with such fondness.

But I disagree with other posters about your suitability, I think you sound great.