MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

I started providing respite care to my friends son over lockdown, it’s back braking as he needs feeding, hoisting and uses a wheelchair. I was asked by the local authorities to take some courses which i did. I met some other carers there and they recounted stories such having children run away, having their car stolen and burnt out and having their house trashed. A couple of them have had safeguarding accusations made against them and had stop while investigations were carried out.

Quite honestly, I think your MIL is right, hard though it was to hear her words.

I don't think you should rule it out completely, but I think you should think about postponing it until your daughter is heading off to university and you will have experienced parenting a full range of ages and stages. In the meantime, you need to think seriously about your own child's needs and how you can meet them.

As part of the discernment process you go through, I would dig deep down and try to figure out why you have this fostering idea. If you have a therapist, talk to him or her about it. Be honest and open. Be ready to reflect deeply on your motivation.

If you want to get involved in child protection, perhaps there's a way to become a volunteer children's advocate in the court system? Look up the role of Child Advocate. It wouldn't involve being in loco parentis in your own home but it would be a way for you to get involved and still be there for your own child.

She just sounds as if she is concerned for you and her grandchild. I'm sure she would be supportive if you went ahead but it's helpful to have someone point out the potential issues beforehand. My best friend at school's parents also fostered and whilst, on the whole, it seemed to be a positive experience for the family and the fostered children, she did find it really difficult at times. Some of the fostered children's behaviour was extremely challenging and she witnessed some traumatic things. It is a lovely thing to do though but worth being aware of all potential challenges, particularly with a young child.

OP, I think you should look into HellsCominWithMe's suggestions of areas you could get involved in.

This. Fostering has hugely impacted a family I know and I believe it’s because the biological children were so young when they first fostered. So unsettling for everyone and caused a lot of resentment. Your heart is in the right place but you need to go with your head on this one.

Fostering will have an impact on your DD but who’s to say it won’t be a positive impact? She may well grow up to be more tolerant, more understanding of differences and difficulties faced by lots of children.
You will have plenty of training opportunities and chances to speak with experienced foster careers. You can define the age group of children you feel comfortable with ( this will be identified by SS anyway) As your DD grows and you gain experience you may well find you develop a specialist area of expertise or age group you gel with.
MIL might come round in time. Don’t let her put you off, read as much as you can in preparation for your assessments. Good luck.

There really is no upside for your child to you doing this.

None.

this bears repeating.
On the other hand, there are huge potential dangers to your DD if you do it.

You have a duty to keep her safe and prioritise her needs above anything else.

How are troubled teens, especially male ones, perfect to bring into the home of a helpless female toddler?

No. Just no.

We looked into it but I think it clearly stated that our youngest had to be X years older than the foster child so it meant we had to wait quite a while. We waited and then my youngest developed her own issues that meant it wasn't a good option for us. I would wait personally.

Work in an SEMH school or PRU first.

@LaLuz7
Having done exactly that I can say it's not easy but can work. It's about being clear where your boundaries are in terms of which child you will accept and refusing those whose social worker won't provide you with as much info as you feel you need. It helps that I'm a social worker so know the system and was confident to challenge.
Our first ever Foster child from 19 years ago - male age 13, stole everything he could lay his hands on - so we made sure there was nothing we were bothered about for him to steal. He's now 'uncle' to our youngest two, holds down a good job and is doing OK. We have had some disasters over the years but my owns kids have grown up to be the most chilled accepting caring human beings due to their experiences.
I do understand and personally know others whose own kids were badly affected - in my experience the looked after children were way too close in age. I feel its about both carers being a solid couple and consistent and most of all wanting to do it. It's a lifestyle - not a job or vocation but a whole lifestyle.

I have met some families with young children who become foster carers and I have to say it does work well with the right people and support around. It's an incredible thing to offer a child a home and some support at a difficult time. I'd be very proud if you were my DIL as it's a very unselfish thing to do.

I think you sound lovely OP but my first thought is that your MIL is - quite rightly - concerned for her granddaughter.
I would take your time, continue to work in the community to gain more experience and understanding and generally 'do your homework'.
There's no rush. You want to get it right.
All the best

I skipped pages 2-4.

I assume it has already been said, but worth saying again anyway. Repost on the Fostering board, and then you'll get comments from people involved in the system rather than here having to guess which advice is knowledge based, and which isn't.

My parents were concerned when we said we were going to adopt, because their first concern was for me as their daughter. As and when you move through the process you'll be able to give MIL more understanding as to how your DD will be impacted / protected, and she'll probably get more reassured.

You’re wrong. All foster children have trauma from being separated from their birth home, even newborn babies. There are no “low needs” foster children. This would be covered in your training but it is within your power to do some research yourself beforehand.

Yes the LA WOULD try and place a child with you that you aren’t equipped for. They are desperate and not always very competent.

You sound very naive and your child is too young for you to foster.

I worked in SEMH schools for many years with lots of children looked after and I would never ever consider fostering. I think foster carers are absolutely amazing but the stress would be the end of me. Agreed with the suggestion of volunteering in an SEMH school or PRU for a really good experience of the types of challenging behaviour that you can be presented with.

Also you’ll need to be able to demonstrate to LA you have a wide network of support, so if MIL is not on board then this may hinder you being approved anyway. She will be interviewed.

They will absolutely rake through your childhood, background and trauma with a fine tooth comb. It’s a very unpleasant experience. You’ll have to disclose your therapy. I’m not sure you would pass the assessment based on your demeanour and some of the comments you’ve made.

But by all means, when your child is an older teen or left home, it is something you could explore.

Give your DD the childhood you didn't have OP,

I agree with pp - this should be your topmost priority for the next few years at least. Your DD has already had a risky start if you needed trauma therapy when she was born.

I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children,

You already have a vulnerable child to support.

Given what happened in your own past, why is your main focus not on protecting DD and giving her a happy settled childhood from now til forever? It's wonderful that after all the trauma you have been through, you are now in a position to do that for her.

It doesn't sound as if you are used to a family life where adults put the needs of the child first - the child who is with them, right now. Maybe no-one put your needs first and you have to be very careful that you don't repeat a family pattern of failing to put the right priority on your own child's needs.

Your DD's family life needs to be kept happy and stable, within normal limits. That will take hard work, practically and emotionally, and it's work that you need to do and that no-one else can do for you. Because you're the mum. That's your main role and commitment from now on.

Does fostering other children really fit in with putting DD first? Children whose needs and problems you wont be able to predict but could so easily re-trigger your own trauma or traumatise DD? How is that putting DD first?

Hi OP what a lovely idea to foster but please think long and hard about the real impact on your DD. I worked in a fostering service (not as a foster carer) but close enough to be fairly familiar with some of the challenges posed. Its a huge commitment and comes with some very real challenges that you may not be able to manage or may negatively impact on your DD.

Some children are incredibly damaged psychologically due to the abuse by a parent. Also as a mum of an complex and demanding additional needs child I would say please do not underestimate the impact children with behaviour or emotional difficulties will have on your DD. It's massive and can be life altering and not always in a good way. I have had to put one on my own children into after school club twice a week to give him respite from his sibling which is quite expensive over a year. My additional needs child also gets 3 hours care once a week funded by the disability team out of the house to give his siblings and us a break from him. One of my children needed support and therapy due to the negative impact on him and we made a decision to have no more children as the impact is to detrimental to them.

OP my parents Foster as will we when our DC are older and moved out.

I adore most of the Foster children they have had. However it’s not easy and they can have extremely challenging behaviours. These children have been traumatised and moved about they don’t always respond well and receive the counselling they need. They can be aggressive, show sexualised behaviours, be controlling and possessive, unable to maintain attachments, damage your property, be under county lines, vulnerable and open to abuse and exploitation, run away often, withdraw, self harm, harm your pets, steal, alcohol and drug issues. NEET, dislike structure routine and rules, have SEN and health issues.

Many will have or maintain contact with family which can also influence challenging behaviours and feelings. They can be extremely demanding and manipulative and violent and can even hurt your family members. I know this because I’ve witnessed these behaviours (I must state my parents do TLC )

Of course there are lovely parts of fostering and we as a family have maintained contact with most of foster children my parents have/ or have had, which I adore seeing them all over for dinner and spending time with. However there will be more than one or two who you will not be able to support who need specialist placements and therapy and some who you may just not form good attachments with.

Throw in having to do regular training, attend groups, maintain paperwork and attend health, education and soical worker appointments with having your own young dependant child who also requires your time and attention and dealing with your past trauma (some cases may trigger you) it’s a lot to take on right now.

Tbh I would think carefully. Many children have had a bad start .they will almost certainly have significant issues. Your own dd is still very young as well.

With the greatest respect, it sounds as though you are going into fostering from a selfish point of view to help yourself heal.

Just one scenario: imagine a house full of swearing, or violent lashings out? It may not happen, but if it did how would that affect your dd? Selfless would be to concentrate on your daughter and get her to an age where she can mentally deal with fostering.

See these kind of threads from time to time. Always say (under different names as I regularly nc) please don’t do it.
My parents did it. It was awful.

Even if the children are not traumatized (highly unlikely) your own child is too young to understand. If they love the children like a sibling, it will teach them to never to really get attached to anyone because they will love so many people who leave. There one day gone the next. Attachment issues for their whole life.

Or they will see them as strangers. Strangers who compete with them for resources. A threat. Every time a new kid comes in that door they will be subconsciously or consciously be preparing an action plan on how to protect themselves.

Never mind the potential for violence, bullying, manipulation, damage to belongings, stressed parents, jealousy, etc.

Im even concerned about letting my kids stay at my dps alone because previous foster kids know where they live and I’m worried they would come back, break into the house, something like that. Lots ended up in prison and are now dangerous criminals. And they know the inside of my parents home. Where they are likely to hide a key or when they’re likely to go to bed.

A lot of people have raised the issues your MIL was probably thinking of.

On a more positive note respite fosteres
offer respite to parents of children with special needs. They dont necessarily have trauma or behaviour thats agressive. They might have medical and communication needs. Perhaps this type of fostering would be better. You can get a good relationship with the child and family as they could come once a week or month for many years.

Even if the very best case scenario is that op’s toddler grows up to learn tolerance to being repeatedly robbed of any valuables in her own home, that’s still unacceptable.

And being robbed really is the best case scenario, because I don’t think that’s what the pp was talking about. Drawing boundaries with a social worker won’t somehow protect your child from the male teenager you’ve invited in who might molest or rape her rather than just robbing the family repeatedly.