MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

OP, if you do read all the posts, you'll find that most of them strongly discourage your fostering idea. Some of them are based on generalised (and, in my experience, overly pessimistic) views against fostering while having young kids of your own. Others seem to take issue with your specific circumstances and mental health. My advice would be to apply anyway and let social services decide if you are suitable. We need good carers and fostering families like yours. I hope it goes well. Feel free to pm me if you want, as we fostered from a similar starting point to yours.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

You are being upset because you'd like your MIL blessing and support. So, that is not an unreasonable reaction when you hear her concerns. Don't worry too much. Fostering is not permanant. What your MIL says is absolutely true and there will be difficult children and some children who will not end up staying long due to the unsuitable match with your personalities. You will work it out. There will be some children who adapt to your home and reap the benefits of your family and you, them. Central always will be your protection of your daughter and husband and your secure home life. Your MIL will be on the journey and will see the good and the bad. She is just being realistic. Remember, you can always stop fostering or have long breaks that suit the welfare needs of your family at times.

I am pretty sure you already have another thread about this op. I think you are well meaning but misguided. I have been a Foster carer for 20 years and I think your mil is right. I think you should wait until your dd is at least 10 before you apply, it will give her the chance to grow up in a secure, uncomplicated family environment and give you the chance to get some parenting experience under your belt. It's not what you want to hear, and ultimately you can do what you want, but it's really not a good idea to proceed at this stage imo.

‘Do you look at the family and their ability in terms of their circumstances, experience, etc before placing a child with them?’

Yes, your own childhood, the trauma you have mentioned & recent therapy will be taken into account. It won’t be used ‘against’ you, but taken into very careful consideration. Possibly, you will not pass the vetting process at this time & you may be advised to wait until you DD is far older & possibly left home, & for you to settle after your therapy.

At this time, you DD is young & I assume you have yet to pass through the years where your DD is the same age when you experienced abuse. This alone may be challenging for you, let alone with a foster child in the home.

Your wish to help a series of children - they will not stay for long - by providing a stable loving environment is understandable, but that drive may be a distraction from dealing with your own troubled childhood & living well despite that. Some therapy may be just the start of that process, you have yet to bring up your own family & face the challenges of your past alongside being a parent.

We cannot protect or soothe the pain of the abused child we once were by
finding & protecting another hurt vulnerable child. This is a distorted form of healing that subjugates the true needs of the child to that of the hurt adult.

Your mother, I assume, is not your abuser. She seeks to protect & support you.

@Happypomegranate you are kind & compassionate, but being a foster parent may not best the thing for you & your family.

ooops, misread MiL as mother.

@Happypomegranate Strike the comment in my last post about your mother.

Don't ask if you are being U if you cannot stand being told that you are indeed being U!

I'll put it slightly more bluntly than perhaps others have: you would be wrong for jeopardising your DD's safe, 'clean slate' upbringing for one potentially full of chaos for no reason at all.

Give your DD the childhood you didn't have, OP. Don't complicate a life that doesn't need to be complicated.

What could possibly go wrong?

Thank God there is a stringent foster carers process to go through. Which minimises the risk of children being passed from one foster home to another, like discarded rubbish!

These are Children's lives we are talking about here. There should be no room for error. “Giving it a go and giving up if it doesn’t work for you” is not an option.

For those wishing to become foster carers there is a very lengthy application process to go through - it takes around 1 year. For good reason! Every member of your family and close friends will be interviewed. Plus teachers of your children's school and leaders of out of school clubs.

Im aghast (and slightly amused) at the naivety of those, who obviously have no experience of fostering, doling out useless advice

Speaking as the friend of someone whose parents had foster children when they were young, I would not consider this until your children have left home. Fostering is a great thing to do but it massively impacts your ability to be a parent to your own children.

Good advice

Give your DD the childhood you didn't have OP, don't complicate a life that doesn't need complicating.
I think this is excellent advice.

Totally incorrect. It is now widely accepted that babies removed at birth are traumatised by it. The bond with biological mum is there before they're born.

OP reading your posts at face value, I've no idea why you're getting such a negative reaction.

You seem like an empathetic person, ideal for fostering.

Presumably the LA will take your child into consideration and place a child suited to your circumstances.

The idea that you can't foster with children of your own is bizarre.

Of course you 'can' foster when you have children of your own, but it is not ideal or recommended.

I dont think your mil tone was of concern but of judgement of those kids.we don't want those In our family type way.
You will always get a view on fostering for warning op. But speaking as someone with 3 decades experience I can't tell you it can be amazing.hard.traumatic.but bloody worth every single placement.
You will always get the horror stories on here.peiple see a thread title like this and it will attract that response.allthoufh I don't no how from those who no nothing about fostering but there we go.
Go to the meetings.get started.you will soon be told or find out what fits for you.i think it's a great thing to do.
If you are well what you doing it's amazing.especially right now when the system is in crisis for foster carers.

It is now widely accepted that babies removed at birth are traumatised by it. The bond with biological mum is there before they're born

Could you point me at the studies that show this?

Not all children in foster care come from an abusive family. There could be any number of reasons such as parents being unwell in hospital. The child might have special needs and struggling to cope. There's also a cost of living crisis ATM. Some parents might decide if they can't provide for they're children they would be better off in care. If a child is placed with a good foster carer at birth. I don't think they will have suffered any trauma TBH.

This, it couldn’t really be put any better.

I have always wanted to foster. To me having a positive impact on as many lives as possible was something I really hoped to do. We did consider adoption but I really wanted to help as many children as possible. I work with vulnerable children and seeing some move from foster home to foster home and others moved to residential it was something I felt so strongly about.

BUT then I had a child. My focus is her and her alone. I didn’t think I’d ever be a parent and I wanted to do right by her. When she finally reached an age for us to discuss it again I was a firm no.
My main reasons were jealousy, her feeling put out by another child in the home who is sure to require a lot of nurture and attention.
Secondly, attachment. I don’t want my child to become attached to someone who is inevitably going to be taken away from them. As adults that is our choice.
Finally, behaviour. Having a foster child in the house is sure to bring up some new behaviours be that acting out, swearing or shouting. These would need to be dealt with in a completely different manner from how I would with my dd. I don’t feel I want to open her home, where she feels safe, to potentially become somewhere she doesn’t.

I really think speaking to other foster carers would be of great help. Speak to the LA and find out as much as you can. I have friends whose parents fostered was great to hear how they felt. Some loved it and others hated it. I think, not knowing many details, your own experiences will be invaluable for helping to understand feelings and emotions. Again what many have said, waiting till your dd is older would definitely be best. Tbh I think quite a lot older, not 2-3 years down the line.

Your dd is far too young. Considering you didn’t have a good childhood surely you should be putting all your energy into her, toddlers need a lot of your time and energy. The people I have known who have fostered their own children were teens. I would go for a large age gap too where your own dc will be much older which can’t be achieved at this time.

I have worked with vulnerable children in the past and have wanted to foster for a long time but DW and I won't be doing so until our own children are grown ups. It is a massive, massive thing to place on children who already live in the home.

All the things you’ve mentioned (parent being taken suddenly unwell, parents abandoning you due to cost of living etc) would still cause trauma. Trauma doesn’t only mean ‘removed from family due to physical abuse.’ Any child removed from their birth family will suffer trauma. Going into it with the mindset that they ‘probably won’t have suffered any trauma TBH’ is just setting yourself up for failure.

@RandomSunday
I have just been approved as a foster carer.
I had to provide three referees who were interviewed- my mum and two friends. My son was also interviewed.
Far from all my family and close friends.

No one connected to my son was interviewed.

Look up the primal wound.

I understand you being annoyed at you mil as yes, ultimately it’s your decision but I also feel it’s a naive one and I agree with your mil.
It’s very difficult to imagine how much trauma these children have endured and the effects it has in them in so many ways.
The behaviour they would likely display would be traumatising to your young child. It would just take one incident, and the damage is done, there’s no way I could risk that to my child.
I know of children who’ve been passed from pillar to post in foster care.
They’ve set light to the bedding in their rooms, hurt the family pets, broken furniture, caused damage and made serious allegations.
Of course, this behaviour is to be expected in traumatised children but it’s something that other children should be safeguarded from being exposed to.

There’s also a serious lack of support after the placement has started.

There was a very similar post a day or so ago about exactly the same thing: OP had v young child aged around 2 and weren't going to have any more kids and thought they'd be ideal to be foster parents. Rather unrealistic and clueless.

They got their arse handed to them.

Was that you OP?