MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

Have you considered reading any of the books by "Cathy Glass " ? They are all true accounts of her life as a foster carer and give a really good insight into the challenges and rewards of fostering.

Hi op, I work within the care system and to be fair- the points your mil has raised are all correct and could be challenges you and your family will face if you move forwards with this. She could have worded it more tactfully but her concerns are valid and its important that you take them into consideration because you will need your extended family to be on board and to be prepared to support your family, do some training themselves and be ready to work through things with any children that come into your household. Your decision to Foster does have impact on the wider family unit and that will be explored in the recruitment process so it's best you're prepared for that. I would agree with other pps who recommend that you wait until your dd is older and has a good understanding of herself and what's safe/unsafe before progressing and it's good that you can recognise that. You actually might want to consider waiting until she's old enough to understand fostering and the behaviour she might see in her home and agree to you doing it. It would also be important that she's old enough that she can tell you if it becomes too much for her and you need to be prepared for that. There's a serious lack of Foster carers so it's great you're thinking about it but it's important not to go into it blindly as it's a long term choice even if a child stays with you for a short period.

Social services have good processes for assessing suitability. No one's perfect. You do have to be robust and capable. Possibly OP might not be suitable right now, I don't know. I am just trying to add some balance from my own experience. To refute blanket statements to the effect that no one with young kids should foster. That every child in care is traumatised. That there are no benefits to birth kids in fostering families. These are not true.

Every child in care is traumatised! Honestly I find it hard to believe you were ever a foster carer if you honestly think it isn’t a huge trauma for a child to be removed from their birth family. And there are very few benefits of their parent fostering for a toddler that wouldn’t be instantly outweighed by the huge negatives.

I disagree - strongly! The “stories” of fostered children by Cathy Glass are “stories”. There is no way anyone would be able to tell a factual account of a child in the care of a LA.

How naive can you be? You, obviously, have no experience of fostering children! Your post has angered me! Just stop giving misinformed “advice”

Not quite what I said. Just adding some balance. I have seen both sides of the impact on my own children. They are proud of themselves, not of me.

I really don't want to put off people who are interested in fostering. I saw first hand how important they are, and what a great job most are doing. I did consider it myself at one time, but when I thought it through and asked myself the questions that is be asked if I applied, I realised that it wouldn't work.

If you're annoyed at your MIL asking these questions, how are you going to react when you're asked the same ones when you apply? You need to be reflective, you need to be objective and you need to be realistic.

This. Your dd has a secure stable home environment. Don't jeopardise that for her. Wait until she has left home.

I am speaking from my own experience. We found babies that came straight from hospital to be straightforward to care for. I expect you are right that they may show signs of trauma later, perhaps as they come to terms with issues around why their birth parents couldn't look after them. But it was nothing like looking after some of the older children we cared for, they were troubled and challenging. And you may be right that OP's toddler wouldn't find much benefit from living in a foster family, as my daughter didn't when we started. But now, aged 14 and having grown up in a fostering family, she could tell you at length about the benefits and the pride. She'd also tell you about the challenges and pain.

Wow, you are so naive. No wonder your MIL is concerned

And there’s absolutely no reason for op to introduce the ‘challenges and pain’ to her toddler.

And yes, those babies would have been traumatised. While their behaviours may not have been as challenging as those of an 11 year old, any baby who is removed at birth will have experienced traumas, and will in turn cause difficulties for a mother who needed therapy to deal with caring for her own infant child.

I'm surprised you've had such negative replies because your own abusive childhood and the age of your daughter will be among the many factors that will be considered when you apply to be a foster carer. It will be for the local authority or fostering agency to decide your suitability, not your MIL.

There is a shortage of foster carers but there is also a shortage of home based respite care for children and adults so the suggestion that you could consider respite care is a good one. Shared Lives plus supports adults sharedlivesplus.org.uk/get-to-know-our-members/shared-lives-and-shared-lives-plus/

There are various voluntary organisations that help children, such as Action for Children who provide breaks for children with disabilities and fostering. Your experience in care work could help here if children need help with personal care or taking medication.

www.actionforchildren.org.uk/how-we-can-help/foster-with-us/find-a-fostering-service/

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

I don't agree with fostering when you have your own child. If you didn't have a child, then yes sure. But you should only foster if you don't have any children at home. I think you're being a bit selfish and thinking you can right the wrongs of your abusive childhood. You have not once even mentioned your own child and how this will affect her. That's what stands out me. Apart from your opening post, you have not once mentioned your own daughter. Almost like she doesn't exist, and doesn't have needs.

Wait until your daughter has grown up and left the house, then foster.

@Kanaloa

Right, so did you find your own children at that age so difficult it triggered a need for therapy?

Oh no. That was absolutely not the case. You’ve got it all wrong. I did not find her difficult. I mean yeah, being a parent is hard work but I didn’t find her especially difficult because of my trauma or anything. There is no shame is discussing trauma and the effects it has on us. My trauma will always affect me, it’s become part of who I am and I am proud to be that person. I wish you the best.

But her birth did trigger a need for trauma based therapy? That’s the point. Your trauma is still affecting you acutely. You still have work to do on you, which means you’re unlikely to be a suitable foster carer for traumatised children.

Sorry I am up with a restless DD and haven’t had time to read every comment. I have previously volunteered in a day Centre for children with additional needs and work in the community with vulnerable mums of children between 0-2.

That’s not how it works. I don’t think you really understand trauma. Wish I had more time to explain but you never recover fully from trauma, you can learn coping strategies and you can reprocess it, almost like coming to terms with it for lack of a better term. As as capable as the next person.

I do understand trauma. It sounds like you don’t understand fostering to be honest. You have really recently needed trauma therapy - it sounds like you are still struggling with yourself and processing your own traumatic childhood. This doesn’t place you in a good position to help children process their traumatic childhood.

Have you considered your daughter in all this?

Hi. We foster. We'd had our own child , grown up , left home, we both had jobs working with children and thought we knew what we were getting in to.

We really didnt!
No matter what people tell you, you dont understand the situation until you're in it.
People do foster when their own DC are young but on a group I'm in , lots regret it.
If an allegation was made against you or your husband that person may have to leave the family home until it is sorted. The child may be removed and depending on the severity of the allegation, your child may be placed with grandparents etc until it's sorted.
We have had to move children on due to the negative effect their behaviour was having on their siblings and us. Trouble at school, excluded and having to have them at home 24/7 is hard.
One comment I often see (but not affecting us as no birth child at home) is that SS will put the fostered childs wellbeing way above your own child's, and often to their detriment .

I'm not saying don't do it. All I'm saying is REALLY look into it. Speak to others (FB has several Pages) Ask for honest responses. Ask SS about the points above, what are the negatives , effects on your family etc.

I love our FC , we get on with families and do our own family (contact) times. Would I go back and do it again? ? I'm not sure I would.

To be honest, if you can’t hack a difference of opinion I would question how “resilient” you are

Some people seem to have some very odd ideas about other people.

My own DF, upon hearing that I planned to let out my spare room to a lodger, was worried they might be a sex worker. I hadn't advertised at that stage. The lodger I actually took in was a junior doctor.

Best of luck to you both.

I think that's maybe an unfair comment. Plenty of people who have previously been in the care system in different capacities go on to Foster/ work in the care system and being aware of your trauma and also being willing to step up and deal with your trauma is really important. Op taking responsibility for her mental wellbeing and resilience is actually a strength provided that it doesn't affect her ability to give what she needs to. It's actually better than someone who thinks they're fine and struggles to ask for help. Lack of self awareness and personal responsibility can be just as dangerous if not moreso. Birth is generally a triggering experience for people who have had abusive childhoods/poor attachment with parents for a whole load of reasons and op I think it's great you've been so good at looking after yourself in this respect. Most Foster carers undergo some form of therapy whether it be to deal with the trauma of infertility or grief etc. Its encouraged.

She's being a snob plus because of your child's age you can ask to foster younger children under 2. Some from newborn you pick up from the hospital. You could off to do respite care at first and see how it goes. Foster care isn't always for troubled families like some assume. Mum might be unwell in hospital or having a new baby and no family to look after child or children.

I was at college with a girl who lived with her nana she was deaf. She lived with her nana because her mum died of cancer. Then her nana was taken ill suddenly and sadly passed away. So because of her need's she wasn't ready to live alone and had to be fostered.

I think your MIL is right. You must put your own child first.
Do you see yourself as some kind of saviour because of your own past?

Place marking. I want to come back when I'm less tired OP to address the crux of your original post; how it feels for close family not to be in support. I think you're getting some quite harsh responses here (although I've only read a smattering) but there is also a lot for you to think about. This will not be a light undertaking and will undoubtedly take time/ research/ training.