MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

But your children aren’t likely to be actually honest, are they? They’re not going to say ‘I know this was your religious calling that you were so obsessive about that it didn’t matter whether it benefitted us, and you’d even lie to social workers to fulfil it, but actually we thought it was shit.’

Your child is mid-teens. In the same way she wouldn’t come out and say ‘I hate church’ she won’t fly in the face of your beliefs. Maybe when she’s 34 you’ll hear a different story about how your calling affected your children.

It does strike me that @Petros9 is so in favour of op fostering though - because they’re very similar. In both cases it isn’t really about foster children. It’s MY calling. MY trauma. I want, I need. With no thought to the obvious issues.

That's unjustified. You can't know that.

Maybe when she’s 34 you’ll hear a different story about how your calling affected your children.

I doubt it. My grandparents both died without being told the truth. They may have wondered by the various clues, son more distant with them, became an atheist, grandchildren kept a bit of a distance. But they were never actually confronted. (On earth anyway)

You don't know if the op would have resilience or not, she's a stranger behind a screen.

Having a kid until the afternoon when you've said you won't keep them past the morning is not hard. It's easy to say you're leaving them at the contact centre at 10am and going away for the weekend straight afterwards, if it came to it. There's no law against it. I've seen it done.

@Redcisco

Perfectly said. My youngest DS was 13 when I had my first foster placement. A 5 year old, who was on her 3rd foster placement, that should have been a big red flag. I was as green as grass, at the time and saw no red flags. Within 3 months I was at my wits end and discussed quitting, with my SSW. My teenager didn’t know what had hit him and I felt so guilty. His world was turned upside down. I won’t go into details as to why a 5 year old had severe behavioural problems. Let’s just say her previous home life was not pretty. By the time SS agreed the child needed specialised input, DS had left for university so I continued fostering.

@jamoncrumpets

There are plenty of threads here dedicated to Logan, with posters who knew him. Why would MN remove them? Do you think child murderers live on a planet where nobody knows them?

Do you think CM is a 14 year old you would be happy to bring into your home to live with a 2 year old?

There are plenty of CM’s in the fostering world. They just haven’t gone as far as he did. They cause misery for people around them too. There are also some lovely 14 year olds. My first 14 year old (well 13 at the time of placement) still visits me now. He got his life together, after a tough start, and joined the RAF. Neither his parents, extended family or anyone from SS (His corporate parents) went to watch his passing out parade. So I did. Im so bloody proud of him.

The problem with fostering with small children is you never know what you’re going to get. Ignore the poster who says foster carers don’t have to take them. The fact is the FC doesn’t get the relevant info about a proposed placement. Very often SS don’t have any info because the child was not, previously, known to them. Other times they won’t tell you because they know you won’t take them once you have the facts. And once they’re in it’s extremely difficult to get them back out. SS are not interested in the FC or their DC.

All everyone here is trying to do is give OP the benefit of their experience within their world of Children's Services so she can make the decision whether to apply.

I wouldn’t with a young child - Based on my own real life experiences of fostering. OP can make her own decision.

Not to me. For me lying to get access to vulnerable kids because it’s ‘your calling’ and satisfies a religious interest for you is not actually placing the needs of the children (including your own) at the highest point.

Well, I suppose that’s possible too. I guess that’s why it’s not a great idea to listen to the parents about how much foster kids benefit the kids in the house and how the calling is great for the biological family kids - because they simply don’t know.

YANBU in my opinion to be upset. If your MIL had said you should do your research and be aware, very different from her opposition.

I work with fostering link social workers and I'd tend to agree with your MIL. Chances are with your childhood, you may not be approved as carers. The assessments and studies before you are even approved are very very detailed and probing.

I admire you for considering to become carers, I really do. They are crying out for carers where I live. But in saying that, the social workers themselves would say "don't do it". Unless a newborn or baby are placed in your care, it's a hard hard job to do.

Also, it wouldn't be your job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. Leave that to the trained professionals.

If you don’t want them in your house for another night because you aren’t equipped to manage the situation safety, and you have another sleepless night, it’s hard. And isn’t it sad that it comes to carers dropping kids at the contact centre and leaving? Social services shouldn’t be so incompetent that it has to be handled in such an unpleasant way. But they push it and push it.

My impression of OP was she’s already being very defensive of foster children because she was one herself, so might be too soft to take action to protect her existing child. But of course we can’t know. SS will make an assessment of whether she can foster, but no one can force her to consider the wellbeing of her existing child.

I can imagine it's hard for a foster child to read that biological children have been negatively impacted by foster children.

OP you didn't make the decisions when you were a child. The adults did. And if any biological children were affected that's on their parents and not you. You weren't responsible and can't repair it. Nor should you.

What you can do is to protect your own child by giving her a safe and secure home to grow up in.

Again, that is unfair. The calling we had was one that gave us compassion for children that needed looking after, and it sustained us for a decade. It wasn't about us, but about the children we looked after. You can (and have) question the impact on our children and I have accepted the balance of positive and negative in that respect; also that what they say and think about it now may change or be adapted to what I want to hear. But it is definitely unfair to question our actual motivation for fostering in this way. And we didn't lie to get approved, we said that we wanted to support children who need help, which was absolutely the case- we simply downplayed the religious motivation because it doesn't sit well with social services, who are very secular.

Please be kind and polite.

"Please be kind and polite."

What was impolite? @Kanaloa just reiterated what you said in your AMA thread. You changed your second application to what you knew they wanted to hear and downplayed the truth.

Also, "be kind" = "shut up woman"

I'm not seeing any unkindness here. I agree you have taken on board what's been said about your kids in the future and how they may feel.

Ah yes the be kind argument. Usually used to women and girls to teach them to not to disagree or express contrary views.

there was nothing impolite in the post - just a different opinion.

People‘s motivations to work with vulnerable children should absolutely be probed. Downplaying your belief that you had a religious calling rather than exploring why it is considered a potential red flag suggests to me you felt you knew better than social services.

i am not being unkind or impolite by saying this 1 merely expressing an opinion that I know you won’t agree with.

'lying to get access to vulnerable kids' could be phrased more kindly, don't you think?

Be kind and polite? I am polite. I don’t need to ‘be kind’ when it comes to shutting up about things I disagree with. Please don’t be patronising and try to silence other people’s opinions.

Sorry, ‘telling untruths about your motivation after being denied access to vulnerable children to satisfy your religious urges as you believe you had a religious calling.’

Both honest and ‘kind.’

Although Ito me it would have ‘been kind’ to consider why you were rejected rather than simply deciding to lie next time. I would ‘be kind’ to actually consider your kids rather than reiterate that it’s your calling and your kids don’t have a choice. It would ‘be kind’ not to try to silence people giving their opinion by implying they’re rude/unkind.

It’s a debate we often have with children - is omitting to tell the truth lying? it is certainly dishonest/

you knew that your belief that your God called you to do this would cause difficulties so you chose just to say you loved children.

the reality was you didn’t think it was the right time for your young family but your religious beliefs were the deciding factor.

you chose not to disclose this brocade you knew it would raise questions about your motivations and suitability. Is that lying? There may be a ‘kinder and more polite’ way to put it. But the facts are quite clear.

I agree with your MIL. You are not making your DD’s needs your priority. And that’s not ok.

Hi. I'm an adoptive parent and not qualified to talk about fostering. I did however have similar issues with my mother. The first time we adopted, she was very anti and we had some difficult conversations. 2nd time around, she was anti again, although this time she was anti because of the impact on our AD who she loved a lot.

She drove us nuts on both occasions but I know deep down it was because she was worried about the impact of adopting these children would have on us. One has FASD and the other ASD and ADHD, so she had a point. Didn't make it easy though

Speaking as someone with a social work background, you won't get approved. Or not imminently at least.

You say your DD is a toddler, and you had to have therapy when she was born because of trauma it bought up. In the social work arena, this is considered VERY RECENT, and the fact it was trauma-related would be a fairly big red flag. You would also have to disclose your own childhood abuse, which would also be a big red flag.

Not your fault of course, but adults with childhood trauma are usually turned down as foster carers. Especially when it comes out that it was still an issue for you as recently as 2-3 years ago.

Yes, it's heartbreaking. Really, really sad. Agreed.

I find that histrionic. I'm sure the social workers were aware that there was a religious faith within the home and this altruistic work was being done within the context of that. Everyone has a belief system they're acting within. It won't be the first time they've encountered Christian foster carers. They would look at the carers ability to look after the children etc in the same way.