MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

In which case why lie about it?

As a parent of children who are adopted yes it will be hard for you if you chose to do it but be honest with said children from day dot... You aren't their parent but you are their responsible adult. The woman who has adopted my children has lied to them and they call her mum but when they are older then she has an obligation and duty to tell them of their adoption and I'm waiting for the day they come find me. Good luck op, LA are crying out for decent reliable Foster carers... Not all FC'S do it for the children but the money they receive for being a FC. FC'S are meant to be highly vetted which isn't always the case as there are FC'S who abuse their Foster Child.

“I’m stable, happy, confident and resilient.”

Until your MIL gives a perfectly valid and realistic opinion, then you’re hurt, not resilient at all.

I have several friends who have adopted (I don’t know any foster careers) and all 3 were told by their social worker - every child we might place with you has a troubled start.

I hope you do investigate it further, and hope that at the right time for you, you’re able to do this. But in the meantime, go easy on your MIL’s opinion.

@Happypomegranate - have you talked to your therapist about whether they think foster caring would be a good idea for you? They will know where you are, with your mental health, and will be able to provide an informed, unbiased opinion.

I don’t have any experience or knowledge in this area, but I do think that people who have been through trauma/bad life experiences/mental health struggles, and who have come through these and healed from them, may well have a lot to offer people who are going through the same things. It may be that foster caring is not the best way for you to offer this help, but there are other avenues - becoming a therapist yourself, or a support worker, or finding ways to work with vulnerable and disadvantaged children and young people.

"I find that histrionic. I'm sure the social workers were aware that there was a religious faith within the home and this altruistic work was being done within the context of that."

@Reindeersnooker they were turned down on the first application because they admitted to wanting to foster based on a calling from God. They did not believe it to be in the best interests of their own children and family but the calling from God trumped that.

They then submitted a second application leaving out the religious stuff and putting what they thought the social workers wanted to hear. That application succeeded.

Have your children been adopted or are they in foster care? If they are adopted that's a different legal arrangement and appropriate to call adoptive parents mum and dad. Not heard any adoptive children / parents use another term. Agree that honesty about origins is important but there are often restrictions around how much you can discuss birth family or possible future contact once adopted.

I don't think they misrepresented themselves the second time but I can see we're not going to agree. I'm sure they didn't pretend they had no faith and they were free to explain their altruistic motivations in other terms which would still have been valid for them. It doesn't sound like they were trying to create an underground caliphate.

They were right to recognise there would be elements of hardship for their biological children. If they hadn't, you'd think it naivete and you'd be right. If you don't think anyone with children should foster that's up to you but you shouldn't condemn one family for doing so.

If you don't think Christians should foster (and any Christian who does feel a desire to do this will probably contextualise it as a calling but it doesn't mean they're raging fundamentalists, it's just how they perceive a desire to help), that's a different issue. But we all foster from a desire to help at some level. I certainly did. I do have a stronger sense of responsibility to my own children now I have them which is why I now don't.

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain about this adoption - therefore I assume it was done against your wishes?

adoptive parents are legally parents though and entirely appropriate to be called mum and dad.

you must have contact with your children to know their adoptive mother has lied to them? But as she is legally their parent there isn’t much you can do. It is also up to her to decide when and how to tell them the full truth about their biological parents. I agree though she has a moral obligation to be open and truthful.

i Hope you are able to reconnect with your children once they are adults.

You don't think the woman who has adopted your children is a parent to them? That's interesting. You might want to think about that because when your children come looking for you, they may well find it easier to have a relationship with you if you can accept that they will have a loyalty to this person and perceive them as a parent. The woman hasn't done anything wrong. An adoptive parent is supposed to teach adopted children to call them Mum or Dad, and to feel everything for them that a parent would.

You're making a lot of assumptions there @Reindeersnooker 😅

They changed the wording because their first application was rejected on the basis that their motivation was inappropriate. That's dishonest.

"If you don't think anyone with children should foster that's up to you but you shouldn't condemn one family for doing so."

Huh 🤔 I've not condemned them and I've never said anyone with children shouldn't foster. How random.

"If you don't think Christians should foster"

Why on earth would I think that?!

Don't you dare be put off by some of these replies. You are perfect, and you know very well the impact a positive or negative foster placement can have on a child in the middle of a shed ton of trauma.

I just wish to god some of the placements I was chucked in had an iota of personal experience, instead i got middle class SAHM'S who thought it was an easy way to earn! And 1 was downright cruel, because she just couldnt put herself in my shies.

You won't be perfect, but you seem receptive to knowing that and eager to fill the gaps in your knowledge.

Ignore the doubters, go make a difference. Good luck. 🙂

Fucking hell. You’ve given the required ‘sorry’ then got straight on to countering what the poster has said in regards to the traumatic impact her parents fostering had on her, instead of actually listening to and acknowledging something that doesn’t suit your own narrative.

whether your children’s experience was ‘worth it’ for them isn’t for you to decide. It’s for them.

Op's child isn't vulnerable

They will be, the moment that an unknown child is brought into the home.

Ignore the doubters, go make a difference. Good luck.

This post in totality is the kind of emotional response that I think could also be driving OP.
Obviously I don't know but it is what I would be considering during a fostering assessment.

It feels very much like a trauma response from the foster child's perspective. Which isn't a great basis to evaluate a foster carer and is of no use at all when considering the impact on the biological child already in the family home.

Traumatized dc are going to push most people out of their regulated zones at times, it is even harder to remain regulated when you have your own trauma history. OP has shown little understanding of this on the thread, or why her MIL would be concerned.

It may be in RL she is able to demonstrate this and when her dc is old enough goes on to be a very successful FC. It isn't fair to judge either way on a social media thread but the assessment will be much less emotion driven.

@Petros9

How do you distinguish between a Christian calling and an impulse that is based in your own trauma response?

Did you experience a Christian calling to organise and work in a food bank? An overnight shelter for homeless people? A drop in centre for people with mental illnesses? What drew you to fostering when there are plenty of other ways of fulfilling the Christian imperative?

As I said before, I'm a Christian. I'm familiar with the language of prayerful discernment, etc.

But I think it's incredibly hard for someone with a background of trauma to pick apart a calling and a trauma response and step back when the Christian calling element is overlaid.

These are useful questions. At the same time, you shouldn't assume that someone who has suffered trauma is incapable of a genuine calling (how many successful charities have been started by someone who knew the need from the inside out!). Remember that all of us need to examine our altruistic responses for exactly the same reasons.

I simply don't agree that it was dishonest. Your hectoring tone suggested that you were against foster parents having a spiritual dimension to their decision (which they always will as everything has a spiritual element for them). But anyway, I'm willing to bet there are children who knew a loving home and stable, trusted adults because of that poster's actions and I'm glad you weren't able to rain on that parade, other than belatedly sniping on the internet.

I can't speak for the OP of course. But if you're asking about my experience, I didn't have any trauma to potentially confuse things. I went to a talk about fostering (without even knowing that it was about that) and I immediately had an overwhelming sense that God was telling me to become a foster carer. My wife had the same sense at the same time, we prayed it through and spoke to some wise heads at church and then went for it. Naturally we had concerns about the impact on our own kids (youngest was 1 at the time, 3 by the time we actually started to foster) but we trusted that their welfare would be protected- a leap of faith, as I said previously. So it was a specific calling for us to foster as a family.

Thanks, appreciated.

Why would you leave the protection of your children in god's hands ffs. You've seen the things that happen on his watch. He's either evil or powerless.
No wonder you had to lie about it if you think safeguarding can be taken care of by some mythical being.

Well that's what makes us Christians I suppose, we trust God with all kinds of things because we believe in His goodness and power. I can see that kind of thinking doesn't make sense to a non Christian.

He can't be evil or powerless if he's mythical, though.

I hope it doesn't make sense to most christians. Surely christians understand the need for safeguarding over wishy thinking?

Otherwise I would actually have to back up the hyperbole of no christians should foster. But I don't think they can all be that naive/stupid...

Mind you the record of the church and safeguarding isn't exactly watertight.

Whether he's evil, powerless or non existent the result is the same. Leaving your child vulnerable.