MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

I mean I don’t think calling the boy a ‘Prince’ or ‘monster’ is helpful. If you read the article it will only confirm what others have said - that these children are severely damaged by the awful chaotic families they are born in/grow up in, which impacts their ability to behave in socially acceptable and normal ways. The whole family (boy’s mum, stepdad, stepbrother etc) was involved in the murder of that little boy.

I really really really don't think you should do this.

If anything having a child with so many 'issues' has been a very positive experience for her.

with all due respect @jamoncrumpets but that is not fir you to say. Growing up in the shadow of a sibling who has significant additional needs is never easy and never "nothing but positive". To think that is delusional. And to pre-emptively dismis the accounts of people who've been there and have been harmed by it is quite arrogant of you.

And it's not clear from you post - both kids are your biological kids, no?

Is so, why do you think this is relevant to the topic at hand?

Absolutely he was abused. His childhood was certainly drug filled and chaotic. He was well known, and feared, in the area, as was his step father. Social Services were definitely aware of him. They removed him when his mother beat him up and his step fathers gf refused to have him live with her. SS placed him with elderly foster carers who were terrified of him. They were screaming to SS to remove him. Yet the SW denied all knowledge. Just another case where all SS are interested in is placing a child with a FC. They have no interest in protecting the foster carer and their family. The FC’s have two small GC going back and fore their house.

This thug was then placed with his step father, his gf and two vulnerable children, who were already on the child protection register. Amazingly they were downgraded to CIN days before they placed this boy, Prince, thug, murderer - take your pick - because no Foster Carer would take him.

OP is unhappy that people think that some children who have suffered abuse go on to abuse others. In fact she can’t see that at all.

I know Craig Mulligan. I know his family, I know the foster carers. I know SW Debbie Williams. I worked with that useless LA for years before I moved because it is impossible to work with them!

By the way John Cole was abused. Shall we make excuses for him too?

My DDs' FC had two teenage sons when they were fostered. We will be forever grateful to the FCs for the love care and stability they gave my DDs over 21 months.
FCs do an amazing job, often taking children with limited notice and limited information.
Looked after kids need a lot of time, attention, and knowledge. (And empathy from other parents eg at school, which is often lacking)

It’s not making excuses, it’s being realistic. The boy didn’t kill in his foster family - he helped kill when he went home with the support of his stepfather. But this is one of the big issues with the system, that foster kids aren’t properly assessed, because this boy could/should have been placed and kept with properly trained carers or in a good facility to help him. His stepbrother would likely still have been murdered by the parents, but that’s besides the point.

I just don’t like the muddy reporting where they’re really leaning into the ‘monster teen’ who murdered his little stepbrother when that’s not really fully what happened. That little boy died of parental abuse, in which the teen stepbrother was complicit.

Op fostering is a fantastic thing to do and I really admire people who can do this.

I worked in a placement team for several years and currently work with CIC. Your experiences could be a huge asset to you in terms of understanding trauma and empathising with children. I would agree with other people though- give yourself more time to experience parenting and all the joys and pitfalls. Give yourself more time to process your trauma. Then go for it. You won't get through the selection process if professionals don't feel that you and your dh are appropriate.

Logan would not have been murdered if JC and CM hadn’t entered his life. His mother isn’t innocent but Logan was very much loved and cared for by his mother, assisted by his grandmother, before she brought evil into their lives.

As for the rest of it yes. That’s my point. OP is offended that people think that someone who has been abused may go on to abuse.

Yet she is planning on bringing the unknown into her 2 year old DD’s life. Because she knows best.

Sound familiar?

I’ve read through the thread OP and I think what you want to do is a fantastic a generous thing. I know I couldn’t do it. You appear to have both suffered and overcome a lot.

And here’s the but… you have a stable family, a loving partner, a young child who you are able to raise in love and security. Why isn’t that enough? Becoming a mother is hard, raising a child is hard but it is also incredibly rewarding. Why is your child not enough for you? I don’t expect you to answer this but it might be a good idea to think about it.

Don't be silly. You shouldn't leave your foster child and dog together, she's quite right.

You have no idea if she'll be approved. None. Your wild assertions are just that.

But it’s not about the op. It’s about the impact on her little girl . And the children she fosters.

and no she won’t know. Neither will the professionals. They have got it wrong many times. No one knows till she lives it.

the most concerning thing is the op says can’t she foster babies can’t she foster kids with low needs till her kid is older. Which shows she has little understanding of what is involved here. She hasn’t even applied yet.

in addition her angry reaction and immediate disengagement to this thread , which let’s face it is no where near as challenging as fostering children, adds additional concern.

hopefully the mother in law, who knows her, and the thoughts of most people on here, make her take a step back and think about this, not about what she wants, but the children involved and their needs.

Her angry reaction is understandable and it wasn't particularly angry. I would also be annoyed if someone assumed my background would make it impossible for me to foster. It's not even true.

I know someone who was sexually abused by a foster sibling in her home. She may be worried about her biological GD.

You have no idea if it’s true, unless you say you know the op. The point being made is if something as neither here nor there as this thread causes anger and disengagement, rather than a calm discussion, then fostering kids is a million times harder.

it simply is

I also know a child who was abused by a foster child, in his own bed. Both children were 6 years old. The Social worker brought the child knowing he would have to share a bedroom with the foster carers own child.

The Social Workers advice to the foster carers was to get cameras fitted in the children's bedroom so they can monitor what’s going on during the night. Unbelievable.

The foster carers gave up fostering within a month of their first foster child moving in with them. They were promised only babies as they could have the cot in their room until the baby reached 2 years. Their first foster child was 6 years old.

What has stood out to me in this thread is that not one of the biological children of foster parents have described it as positive for them. Some have said it was ok but have then gone on to list lots of negatives and traumatic experiences. The foster carers who started with young children have described it as positive for their biological children but the children (now adults) have not. I do question if their adult dc feel able to be honest with their parents in real life.

I commented on your previous thread op so I won’t go on but I have and do assess foster carers and I’d urge you to reconsider while your dd is so young.

@PurplePumkin
Not sure when that was as it is completely against the rules for foster children to share rooms with birth children at any time .

Nobody is ‘using it against you.’ Because it isn’t about you. At all. It’s about the children and what’s best for them. It doesn’t matter if it makes you feel sad. It doesn’t matter if it offends you. It’s all about how it will or could impact the child. Not you. Your traumatic past matters only in so far as it could possibly impact the children. Whether or not that makes you unhappy isn’t their problem.

I do think people with trauma are often the people who want to do this sort of work because they feel like it’s a way to write the wrongs of their own childhood, but they’re the least likely to be suited to it, and I’m saying this as someone who had a traumatic childhood.

Yep when a child has been sexually abused by an adult they are much more likely to commit sexual abuse towards another child.

Logan would not have been murdered if JC and CM hadn’t entered his life. His mother isn’t innocent but Logan was very much loved and cared for by his mother, assisted by his grandmother, before she brought evil into their lives.

Have you read the article? It says she was begging social services to take him away but they ignored her

I know that the reasons being given and assumed would not have ruled her out.

You don't need to tell me how hard fostering is because I've done it. I know. But the correlation between not being offended with people ruling you out on the basis of your childhood and being able to cope with fostering is false. They're entirely different things. This is a common Mumsnet misconception - being annoyed with assumptions and prejudice from strangers on the internet is a normal reaction and doesn't say anything about how someone might react to their auntie, their husband or come to that their foster child.

Oh I’m the same! I grew up in and out of foster care, but I am not arrogant enough to believe that gives me any insight into how to be a good foster carer. If anything I’d say (despite being a really good mum to my own children) it would likely make me a poor foster carer. You know, you can be an amputee but that doesn’t make you a great surgeon and qualified to do an amputation.

And the mother was also convicted in Logan’s death and was complicit in his awful death. So I’m not sure why this narrative is being spun of a safe, loved, and cared for child (he was considered at risk before the stepbrother even entered their home) who was suddenly attacked and killed by a ‘monster’ teen. He was killed by a campaign of neglect and abuse by his stepfather and his mother, and later the stepbrother joined this, and all three attempted to cover it up together. But I suppose telling the actual story of what happened clarifies that it’s irrelevant to this particular thread.

I can't believe you are even considering it with a toddler. Your first job is to protect your own child, think about fostering when she's at university.

I don’t believe a background of trauma or recent mental health needs would hinder the OP with an application. I don’t even think her naivety would be an issue, many people enter the process naive.

What would hinder her is her attitude, her inability to empathise and consider other peoples views, her insistence she is right and her lack of listening skills. Fortunately, these would be picked up on at assessment and even more fortunately, it is something that can be worked upon and changed - if OP really does want to be a FC for right reasons.