MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

@Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse every placement is different, and every Foster Family’s circumstances are different, so it’s impossible to confirm anything in fostering is easier or harder than anything else.

@Happypomegranate I work for a local authority and we are desperate for foster carers (reflected in the £hundreds they are paid per child) but whilst it can be rewarding there are many complications and significant downsides.

Often the foster child has had a chaotic and troubled life, which manifests itself in multiple ways. One family I'm aware of had a male teenager who raped one of the foster parent's daughters. Drugs are a common problem as is violence on a major scale. With younger children bed wetting is common as well as needing lots of help with basic tasks eg cleaning teeth, using cutlery and having house rules and boundaries.

With regard to your very young daughter she will struggle to understand why you have disruptive children/teenagers in your home that require all of your attention and may well pick up bad language and copy their inappropriate behaviour.

I think in this instance you MIL is right and you should put your own family first until your daughter is much older.

Your first placement will be carefully matched, the intention would be to place a child who perhaps has been in the care system for some time so they know them fairly well. We had a situation where two lovely boys had to move as their Foster Carers emigrated to Australia.

Our first placement was a 15 year old girl who stayed for two years. There were challenges but we overcame them. I think being resilient is important.

One thing that potential foster parents don't realise at the start is the absolute lack of information they would get about the children they foster. It's for confidentiality reasons, but in my view dangerous. I have friends who fostered for several years and it nearly destroyed their lives. One child in their home, who they were very happy with, found one night with the living room curtains alight. He had a history of setting fires and one of his friends then shared messages he'd sent saying that he wanted to burn their house down. They were not told because he had a right to confidentiality. They kept going, until her brother was accused of sexual assault by a young girl. She also had "form" for this, that the social workers had deemed could not be shared. Even with that being the case he went through hell, until the girl admitted she'd made it all up.
I'm just saying be really careful and yes, your MIL is right to raise concerns about doing this when your own child is so young. As it's been said before, you won't be assured of a carefully selected placement thought to fit in perfectly with your family. There is often urgency in finding the children a home.

Some of these posts are just incredibly patronising. Someone with OP's background who has got to a good place with their mental health is ideally placed to be a foster carer. She isn't someone still in the depths of her trauma who is using a foster child to heal her own wounds. Lots of people who work with traumatised children have their own personal background in trauma and this insight can absolutely be valuable in working with these children.

@WetLettuce2 you were the one who said respite was harder lol I was just replying I didn’t think it was from my experience.

@Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse i said harder in some ways - read the post lol.

OP you've had great advice. Lots more research needed. And time, time for your own DD to grow up and have a safe, happy childhood.

I foster dogs (bear with me) and you would not be approved as a dog foster - your DD is too young. And I suspect your thresholds are somewhat lower - but it would be a hard no.

You also need a level of detachment and skills that are not the same as having a normal dog.

There are so many ways you can help - respite is a wonderful thing to do and will help you get a sense of how all consuming it is.

I am not comparing dogs to children before I get jumped on. Dog fostering is easy as anything in comparison- but I would not let you do it at this point is my point - for extremely sensible reasons.

Your MIL's reaction is normal. If you can, heed her caution without taking it personally and see what you can do to help that's not as full on.

Our thresholds

@WetLettuce2 To be clear you said harder in many ways. I sometimes think 1 or 2 full timers would be more straightforward so i interpreted that as you thinking being a full time carer too one or two on the clock 24/7 too be more straightforward (easier) 😂

I’ll repost this as you must have missed it -

@Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse every placement is different, and every Foster Family’s circumstances are different, so it’s impossible to confirm anything in fostering is easier or harder than anything else.

@WetLettuce2 no don’t worry I saw the back tracking. You do you, but please don’t underestimate the hard work full time carers do.

I think the dynamics of the family relationships are interesting: a child perceived as really naughty and challenging in one household can be completely compliant and well behaved in another household. We had firm boundaries and the children felt secure and safe, I believe. We weren’t perfect, we made mistakes but, overall, survived the career for ten years

@Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse I don’t under estimate anything, but ok day made, thanks 😂

You’re welcome.

Her concern is for her Grandchild, which is completely understandable.

I think full-time would be much harder than respite, personally.

There's been two accounts of bio children being raped by foster children on this thread alone. I know you shouldn't go by anecdotal evidence, but I find this absolutely horrifying. How do you live with yourself knowing that through your choices you've invited this earthshattering trauma into your child's life?

@Happypomegranate you need to put down the rose tinted glasses and consider the absolute worst case scenarios.

Again someone is asserting that you would not even be allowed to foster with such a young birth child, and again I say that this assertion is just factually wrong. I was approved to foster when my daughter was two.
My advice would be to make the initial phone call and have these discussions with actual social workers who will discuss all the issues with you in much greater depth than you're getting from random people on the internet at least some of whom seem determined to scaremonger.

actual social workers who will discuss all the issues with you in much greater depth

Except social workers are desperate for more foster parents and more placements. They are not unbiased reporters. They have skin in the game and are not looking after OPs best interest.

So going by that alone would again be quite naive.

This clearly varies by LA then as in my locality, the foster child must be the youngest child in the house by 2 years.

I think you should start the process. You will need to be assessed and may be advised to wait a few years but your local authority will be much better placed to make decisions on your suitability than randoms on t'internet.

I would absolutely stick to the general advice though that you only ever foster children younger than your own child.

The Social Workers will be more focused on the potential foster children than OPs child, which is understandable but not the best thing for the child

I work in children's homes and with children who are care experienced. I would consider fostering in the future.

I would under no circumstances do it with my own children living in the house. Many of the children I've worked with can be sexually predatory. Their behaviour can be unpredictable and dangerous.

They are often fantastic children who I love being around. But on the flip side, they're difficult to look after because of what they've experienced.

You honestly have no idea op. You will get all sorts of children through the door of all different backgrounds with issues you cannot possibly know the full extent of. The social will not take your family dynamics into account and could even place children with you and withhold information about them to get you to take them.

I would never put my children through that.

Example issues including but not limited to;

• drug abuse
• self harm
• sexual abuse
• arson
• theft
• physical abuse

How would you feel finding out one of your foster children had been sneaking into your child's room at night?

How would you feel knowing you are actively putting your own child into an unsafe situation?

I feel very sorry for the children who need care. All of the issues above are a product of their upbringing, but I would not actively bring this into my home. I am trying to protect my children from the drama and emotional abuse I experienced as a child in an alcoholic household.

I think you need to get online and read some real accounts from actual carers. It is brutal.