MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

@RandomSunday

What is a crying shame?

What is the correlation between the number of people interviewed have with the quality of care I give?
What insight to the quality of care that I give, could my son's college lecturers give, who have never met me and barely know him?

Firstly, fostering is a noble cause and I think it's great that it's something you want to do and would always support it in the future.

However, I think you are being unreasonable and here's why:

• Announcing this on Christmas day is a bit weird IMO and feels like attention seeking. Assuming you've discussed it over a period of time, I don't see why you'd video call someone to announce it on that day?

• I think your daughter's probably about 10 years off being old enough. I believe she should have a say in this decision and the set up etc and needs to be old enough to do so. I think at her age she's vulnerable as well and that's something you have to be aware of. This will have a massive affect on her life (may be positive or negative) and you can't ignore that.

• Finally, and this is a concern but happy to be told to fuck off, but I always worry for anyone who says they are Happy, Healthy and Resilient and the like. I saw you said it twice in one post. Saying the words doesn't make it so and I've never known anyone who is these things to actually write them about themselves. Just be sure you're not just repeating a mantra you've taught yourself because they're just words and it's your actual state of mind which is significantly more important. I think it's saying those twice which has given many of us pause for thought because personally, I've only heard these kinds of things said by those who definitely aren't strong or resilient but are trying to convince themselves they are.

With kindness - you have a toddler and have needed therapy in the last 2 years to overcome trauma.

You are nowhere near stable and resilient enough to do this. Concentrate on your own family and be well and happy first.

Very gently op, the greatest lesson of parenting is that our dc are not ourselves. We need to find, nurture and heal our inner child and that is the work of a life time.

Your parenting journey with your biological dd is going to be difficult because she will not share your trauma, and that will be a painful separation in your psyche, regardless that you would wish nothing but good things for her.

can I ask you (and you have no obligation to answer a stranger) why you have decided to have no more dc? That in itself is another decision filled with pain, even when it’s taken willingly.

We have to take time to feel our wounds. The greatest mistake is to rush from one decision to the next. And we approach therapy as a version of medicine - take the pill, apply the bandage and the wound will heal. Or worse, chop off the bad bit.

Our psychic wounds don’t heal - we learn, if we are given the chance, to carry all of ourselves in balance. The hurts are as important as the joys and hopes.

I think the child you need to find, and love, is yourself. You have time to find her, and to raise another little girl who holds so much of your heritage within her, and still have time to reach out and touch the wider world with kindness.

Try and find the courage to slow down, to be still, to press pause on this quest. I’m guessing just the thought of postponing for a few years is incredibly hard - that’s because your real work is still waiting.

foster carer here. only had time to read the first few responses but wanted to say that many foster carers have processed troubled childhoods to emerge excellent candidates for looking after children in care. That will not rule you out .
As you say there are many types of fostering and people find their niche. we only foster children with disabilities and complex medical needs for example.
My mother had a similar reaction to your MIL esp as we had a child with additional needs ourselves . Also our youngest birth child was about 5 and looking back I do feel she was too young and if I had my time again I would've waited until she was 8 or so.
But all my kids coped fine and I ignored my mother and cracked on. We even adopted a child with v complex medical needs much to her horror but it has all worked out fine and she can see that now.
One final point is that lots of people have no real understanding of fostering so do your own research and make your own decisions. Good luck x

My three children were 16, 3 and 2 when we began fostering…successfully fostered a total of 20 children over ten years …

I say go ahead and don’t over-think it!

You have the opportunity to offer a wonderful loving home to a child - your own. Fostering may enrich her upbringing or traumtise it. Why would you take the risk with your own child? Wait until she leaves home and has had the childhood you so want to provide before giving that gift to foster children. I think it's playing roulette with your own child to do it now.

In law obvs

Perhaps it feel on some level like she is casting judgment on you personally- is she aware of the circumstances of your own childhood? If she seems to be suggesting that troubled children don’t have a place in your warm and loving home, it might be that subconsciously it might feel like she is saying that as a child from difficult circumstances yourself you didn’t deserve that? It would sting massively if so I’d have thought.

Armchair psychology and all that but it’s what first struck me.

Very unhelpful post. Just stick the boot in as MIL is mentioned!

Crazy reply! This is something that needs a great deal of thinking!

Don’t over think fostering!!!! You have to think long and hard about fostering. It has to be child focused - does OP have the right skills to parent a traumatised child. Is she prepared to for her and her families lives in around the complex needs of a cared for child? Is she willing to facilitate contact with other the child’s wider family?

this is huge! Not something. That can be done on a whim.

Just for this reason alone I’d be very concerned.
Your MIL is right here:
it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children
As a teacher / SENCo, I have plenty of experience of working with children in foster care. They are almost always ‘troubled children’, and there are always ‘problems’. Successful Foster carers are a breed unto themselves. They are resilient, hard working, mentally strong and generous people. It is not a role to take on lightly. Nor is it one where rose tinted glasses come in handy. That’s one reason why many foster placements break down - it’s because of the challenges these troubled children bring. You need to ask yourself honestly, are you mentally strong enough?

My honest advice would be to think so carefully about fostering. My parents Foster and we had a incident on boxing day that meant the police being called and ourwhole family caused massive trauma by what happened. Fostering is a great thing to do but I would never, ever do it with my child in the house.

You announced this on Christmas Day. A very sentimental time which brings out happy and or sad emotions. Memories happy or sad. Contentment, relaxed atmosphere. Not a time to make a huge decision like fostering.

Flipping heck - so much negativity from a 1 paragraph OP !

Just ignore your MIL - she’s entitled to her opinion but that’s all it is.
Apply to foster. They will spend months & months collating relevant information on your backgrounds before deciding whether to recommend you to a panel, and then a panel will discuss everything and decide.

You may get approval, you may need to wait.

Usually FC are 2 years younger so bear that in mind.

PS - I have been a foster carer for 6 years, doing respite only, against the advice of my own mother and some of my closest friends. I love it & am good at it.

Respite fostering is very different to full time fostering.

Until your daughter is older, would an alternative be to work in a similar field to gain valuable experience.

I teach in school for children with additional needs and we have 6 beautiful residential homes that have lovely staff who do a wonderful job with our young people.

We have amazing staff in school working 1:1 with the children too. I've just gained a TA who's come to us from 20 years in the police and she's loving her new role and the difference she's making to very vulnerable children.

@Stangerthings well said it’s completely different!

@Andsoforth 💚💚

As someone who has fostered, adopted and is also a social worker.. all looked-after children have experienced trauma which can play out in a vast array of ways. It's not a case of being given an 'easier' kid to start off with as 9 times out of 10 when a child is removed and in need of foster care, the social workers have very little idea of what that child's needs and behaviours are going to be, and once that child is in your home it's extremely difficult to get them moved on.

I think your MIL is right to be concerned as with fostering you are meant to integrate the fostered child into family life as far as possible. Will your family be prepared to allow you to visit if you have challenging children with you 24/7? Are they prepared to do a DBS check and be interviewed to be your support network as you will need people to provide emergency care for you. Be prepared to lose a lot of friends and contact with family along the way. You make knew connections of course with other foster carers and so on, but the impact on the family who didn't ask to be involved in this can be huge.

There will undoubtedly be a negative impact on your child. I fostered when my child was considerably older than yours and there was a huge impact on them. The fostered child comes first, whether that's having visits or meetings in your home from social workers, taking kids to contact centres 3 times a week or having adopters in your house every day for 2 weeks when introductions are happening. It is well known the needs of birth kids are overlooked in fostering and most looked after kids need full attention. Honestly I would never recommend when there are little kids in the house, wait until your child is at least 16. Not forgetting the risk of allegations made against you or your child.

Spend time reading the fostering and adoption boards, read up on therapeutic parenting and try to speak to people who are already fostering about the realities of it. Of course foster carers are in great demand but you have to be at the right stage in your life to do it.

@Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse yes it’s a lot harder in many ways. I sometimes think 1 or 2 full timers would be more straightforward.
It’s also back to back at certain times of the year and includes bridging placements when perm placements breakdown which are particularly difficult.

OP - Apply and then you’ll know where you stand.

@WetLettuce2 i definitely wouldn’t say harder! it’s still challenging but most behaviours arise once the child/children are settling most challenging behaviours don’t occur for after night or two. It’s usually after building attachments and the child feels more settled that challenging behaviour occurs. We do respite for my parents (our DC are at grandparents) the foster children aren’t challenging and have a great time being spoilt with a takeaway, movies and day trips out.

Your MIL's concerns are valid and as you can see from this thread not unusual.
Wait. Your child is so young - please just enjoy them rather than start a new 'mission'. I too would wait a few more years. You don't even know what your own child's needs might be - they could have SEN or health needs that will require your energies. At 2 years old I had no idea what lay in store. I agree with Pp you need to put your child first at this point.