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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be around partners daughter and boyfriend.

123 replies

MM1972 · 26/12/2022 18:56

Last summer there was an altercation in our house that I share with my partner our three young children. My partners daughter had moved out and cut off all contact for several months (because she made an ultimatum for my partner to choose me or her).
The daughter then started a new relationship and moved back in so she could bring her boyfriend around for sleepovers at weekends. Before I knew it the daughter and her boyfriend had moved in full time - rent free. The boyfriend would typically walk about the house in his underpants and would let their dog (a small terrier) out to the garden to do its business and not clean up.
Things came to a head when they bought a husky pup back to live with us. I asked where they were intending to keep it and was physically pushed by the daughter and threatened by the boyfriend. I was given 5 seconds to leave the kitchen 'or else' then threatened with the boyfriends grandfather, (a paramilitary I believe).
I believed I was justified in querying about the dog as they did not clean up after the other one, nor exercise it and the husky was going to be much larger and potentially could do serious damage to one of the younger children.
As soon as I was threatened, I stated 'you've threatened me and i'm phoning the police'.
As I was phoning the police the daughter called them too. However she made me to the the aggressor and stated I was going nuts and had weapons.
Two lots of police arrived, normal community police and an armed response unit - basically a swat team.
Thankfully after hearing both sides of the altercation the police took the daughter and boyfriend and their dogs away.
I thought that would be that but several days later the daughter and boyfriend came back 'just for a few days' as they had overstayed their welcome with my partner's ex. The dogs caused issues there too.
I stayed away and it was thankfully just a few days until they got their own flat. However a few weeks later I got a court summons with the daughter seeking a non molestation order against me.
The order was not awarded. But I feel completely uneasy when they come to visit now. Its as if to them nothing has happened.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 18:58

Have they said they want to visit? Or just turned up unannounced?

wizzywig · 26/12/2022 19:00

She has a screw loose. What is your partner saying?

Iam4eels · 26/12/2022 19:01

Where is her parent/your partner in all of this? Do they want a relationship with her? If so then it needs to be done away from your family home for your safety and that of the younger children.

AutumnCrow · 26/12/2022 19:01

Are you in NI?

You need to lay out what your partner's role is in all this.

MinnieGirl · 26/12/2022 19:01

Bloody hell!
You need to talk to the police about this, and possibly a solicitor. I would not allow them in my house ever again, or anywhere near me or my children.
Go to court and get ani junction to keep them away from you.
What the hell is your partner saying?
Tell him if he wants to see her he goes to meet her away from the house
What a nightmare

ImAvingOops · 26/12/2022 19:02

Another one wondering what your partner is doing.

Neither would he allowed to step foot on my house ever again.

WunWun · 26/12/2022 19:03

I'm confused about the calling the police part.. where you genuinely scared you were about to be assulted? "You've threatened me and I'm calling the police" seems an odd, inflammatory response. If I were scared I'd probably lock myself in the bathroom and quietly call from there.

It seems like you've put up with a lot and they should have just been asked to leave after refusing to get dressed/pick up after the dog.

But certainly, no. I'd never be around them/have them in the house again.

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2022 19:06

Where is your partner in all this?

Who owns the property you live in / name is on the rent?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 19:09

Your partner let them behave that way towards you then let them back into your home?! I’d have packed a bag and slept in my car rather than ever see him again. It’s all staggering.

SouperNoodle · 26/12/2022 19:10

What does your partner have to say about them taking the piss?

user1473878824 · 26/12/2022 19:12

You’ve got a DP problem to trot out the old favourite and a DP’s daughter problem.

tillytown · 26/12/2022 19:13

Did she get the non molestation order?

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 19:16

We are in Northern Ireland. The property is rented in partners name.
The daughter has had depression and one suicide attempt (tablets) and a longer involvement with mental health services. I fully understand my partner wanting to have a relationship with their daughter.
I should maybe have mentioned I go with flow with most things but on 'husky' day I couldn't even make myself dinner as the boyfriend had left all the pots and pans unwashed in the sink then gone out. He then went off one one when asked to do this dishes (by partner's daughter) so was maybe feeling hot headed when asked about the dog.
I was not afraid but certainly took exception to being threatened in my house and felt calling the police would be better solution than physical retaliation.

OP posts:
DeliberatelyObtuse · 26/12/2022 19:19

I'd be moving out with my kids if I were you

Sounds completely toxic and quite frankly dangerous

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 19:22

tillytown · 26/12/2022 19:13

Did she get the non molestation order?

No. And my partner was fully supportive of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 19:30

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 18:58

Have they said they want to visit? Or just turned up unannounced?

The daughter has a key to the house but no longer any room to stay as we are in a smaller apartment since September. They have invited themselves to Boxing day lunch which I bought and cooked.
I have left as I have no desire to be in their company. So I am somewhat huffing just having had a Tesco ready meal.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 26/12/2022 19:37

In this situation, I think it would be best if your partner visited her, at her place. She should not be welcome into your home again, as she may cause legal trouble again. She literally just tried to file a non molestation order against you! She's told the police that you're a violent abuser who she doesn't want to contact her, that includes via telephone and email! The police take breaches of these, very seriously too. She's happy to see you go to prison for violating the order, if she got it. That's awful. Protect yourself from futher trouble, do not let her visit and stop communications. Her father can do.that.

Crunchymum · 26/12/2022 19:37

This all sounds very chaotic and dysfunctional.

You mention younger children, yours or his?

You really shouldn't be subjecting yourself to this, let alone DC.

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 19:41

Crunchymum · 26/12/2022 19:37

This all sounds very chaotic and dysfunctional.

You mention younger children, yours or his?

You really shouldn't be subjecting yourself to this, let alone DC.

In my experience many families appear to have a degree of dysfunction. My mum's family are very close but there have been several long term fall outs on my dad's side.

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 26/12/2022 19:52

Bloody hell, just tell them they are not welcome and your partner needs to go to their house if he wants to see them.

Crunchymum · 26/12/2022 19:56

MM1972 · 26/12/2022 19:41

In my experience many families appear to have a degree of dysfunction. My mum's family are very close but there have been several long term fall outs on my dad's side.

Show quote history

That doesn't make it okay.

And you've totally avoided the question. Do you have you have young children?

Notallroses · 26/12/2022 19:59

MM1972 · 26/12/2022 18:56

Last summer there was an altercation in our house that I share with my partner our three young children. My partners daughter had moved out and cut off all contact for several months (because she made an ultimatum for my partner to choose me or her).
The daughter then started a new relationship and moved back in so she could bring her boyfriend around for sleepovers at weekends. Before I knew it the daughter and her boyfriend had moved in full time - rent free. The boyfriend would typically walk about the house in his underpants and would let their dog (a small terrier) out to the garden to do its business and not clean up.
Things came to a head when they bought a husky pup back to live with us. I asked where they were intending to keep it and was physically pushed by the daughter and threatened by the boyfriend. I was given 5 seconds to leave the kitchen 'or else' then threatened with the boyfriends grandfather, (a paramilitary I believe).
I believed I was justified in querying about the dog as they did not clean up after the other one, nor exercise it and the husky was going to be much larger and potentially could do serious damage to one of the younger children.
As soon as I was threatened, I stated 'you've threatened me and i'm phoning the police'.
As I was phoning the police the daughter called them too. However she made me to the the aggressor and stated I was going nuts and had weapons.
Two lots of police arrived, normal community police and an armed response unit - basically a swat team.
Thankfully after hearing both sides of the altercation the police took the daughter and boyfriend and their dogs away.
I thought that would be that but several days later the daughter and boyfriend came back 'just for a few days' as they had overstayed their welcome with my partner's ex. The dogs caused issues there too.
I stayed away and it was thankfully just a few days until they got their own flat. However a few weeks later I got a court summons with the daughter seeking a non molestation order against me.
The order was not awarded. But I feel completely uneasy when they come to visit now. Its as if to them nothing has happened.

What's your partner doing while all this is going on?

Ch3wylemon · 26/12/2022 20:01

Where steps are being made to safeguard the younger children?

Ch3wylemon · 26/12/2022 20:01

What steps, sorry

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 20:01

Most family dysfunction doesn’t involve the police being called over threats of physical violence. I’m sure you know that.

And there is so fucking way I’d be shopping or cooking for people like that then having to vacate my own home to avoid them. My husband wouldn’t let them into our home so it wouldn’t be an issue.

If he wants to see her he can go and see her. She has no right to ever cross your threshold. What’s she doing with a key to an apartment she’s never lived in?!

She might have mental health issues but she’s a danger to you and he should be prioritising your safety and well-being over his desire to pretend his family is in any war normal or okay.