Not wanting to be around partners daughter and boyfriend.

[MM1972]

Last summer there was an altercation in our house that I share with my partner our three young children. My partners daughter had moved out and cut off all contact for several months (because she made an ultimatum for my partner to choose me or her).
The daughter then started a new relationship and moved back in so she could bring her boyfriend around for sleepovers at weekends. Before I knew it the daughter and her boyfriend had moved in full time - rent free. The boyfriend would typically walk about the house in his underpants and would let their dog (a small terrier) out to the garden to do its business and not clean up.
Things came to a head when they bought a husky pup back to live with us. I asked where they were intending to keep it and was physically pushed by the daughter and threatened by the boyfriend. I was given 5 seconds to leave the kitchen 'or else' then threatened with the boyfriends grandfather, (a paramilitary I believe).
I believed I was justified in querying about the dog as they did not clean up after the other one, nor exercise it and the husky was going to be much larger and potentially could do serious damage to one of the younger children.
As soon as I was threatened, I stated 'you've threatened me and i'm phoning the police'.
As I was phoning the police the daughter called them too. However she made me to the the aggressor and stated I was going nuts and had weapons.
Two lots of police arrived, normal community police and an armed response unit - basically a swat team.
Thankfully after hearing both sides of the altercation the police took the daughter and boyfriend and their dogs away.
I thought that would be that but several days later the daughter and boyfriend came back 'just for a few days' as they had overstayed their welcome with my partner's ex. The dogs caused issues there too.
I stayed away and it was thankfully just a few days until they got their own flat. However a few weeks later I got a court summons with the daughter seeking a non molestation order against me.
The order was not awarded. But I feel completely uneasy when they come to visit now. Its as if to them nothing has happened.

Are the children you partners too?
I would refuse to have her in the house when I am there or I’d be breaking up and moving elsewhere. I’m that behaviour is not at all acceptable.

Maybe you need to apply for your own non-mol order against her? I would also be concerned about her spending time with your younger children.

My partner was present, luckily as it turned out, as the police had a somewhat impartial witness. Due do trying to not upset the daughter they had been fearful about mentioning the new husky but had not been asked for nor given permission to keep it at the house either.
The partners ex and new partner turned up shortly after the police having run around, as they had been drinking and were very loud and shouty.
My partner, and I hopefully, were the only sane and sober ones in the whole saga. The boyfriend was on the phone to his mum accusing my partner of also threatening him. This was done while police were attending and was very obviously hysterical nonsense.

At the time the children were 10, 9 and 7. The oldest was upset and crying. The younger two perhaps didn't get that it was serious.

Yes, have three younger children together. My partner's ex also has two younger children in the same school year as ours. I do feel empathy for my partners's daughter as she doesn't fully fit in with either new family.

This is one of those confusing posts where the op deliberately obscures if they are male or female, avoids answering if the young chikdren are from the current relationship. From what has been posted its a soap drama of dysfunctional adults and I feel sorry for the young kids, and the husky.

I did mention that but was told that would finish our relationship.

I have stated already there are 3 young children from the relationship. FWIW The younger three are all doing great at school academically, have loads of friends, go to afterschool club and play football, hockey and gymnastics.
As things stand currently the older daughter and boyfriend are expecting a baby and had to get rid of the husky anyway.
The husky should never have been brought into a small townhouse with a tiny back garden. The boyfriend was taking liberties.

Some threads I read and am just :0 at how much some people put up with.

The daughter and bf would never be coming round again. You owe your kids to be and to keep them safe.

And as for cooking and shopping for them - words fail me 😶

I didn't cook or shop for them. They invited themselves around today.
I'll likely leave the cooking and shopping to my partner next year.
I don't think I can insist they don't come around as my partner is going to have a new grand daughter shortly and will want to be a part of her life.

I am amazed at how much shit some people can put up with - then complain about it and ask for advice - but then carry on anyway.

Why can’t your DP visit them at their place?

They can and do. I’ll show this thread to my partner later. I’m not sure it’s fully understood how strongly I feel. I also don’t wish to force another ‘choose your daughter or your partner’ decision.

You don't need to tell your partner 'it's me or your daughter', you're right.

What you do need to ask yourself is potentially 'it's my boyfriend or my peace', if things are as you've presented them.

This is a toxic, dysfunctional dynamic and especially now that there is a grandchild on the way, your partner will be less and less likely to support you when needed.

The fact his DD has a key, therefore access to your home that she can then also share with her boyfriend, after what's happened is quite frankly absolutely batshit.

This relationship is causing a lot of stress and putting you at risk emotionally and somewhat physically, even if your partner isn't the one directly harming you as such.

I'll likely leave the cooking and shopping to my partner next year.

You're planning to be with him in a year?

Can’t we just give fake names to people in order to make posts less confusing? I kind of got lost in all of the partners… but if I’ve managed to keep up with the cast of characters here is my advice.

Move out, get your own place to live with Larry, Moe, and Curly (your kids). Choose a relationship or not with Dave (that’s what I’ve named your Partner) knowing that he may or may not have Ross, Rachel, Scooby and Lassie living with him, but will most likely have them in his life especially when Skippy is born.

This is my concern . Massively .

They witnessed one argument. What do they need protecting from now?

You need to remove your 3 kids from this toxic shit.

I hope to still be in the relationship, yes.

Sounds like a complete shambles.

I'm in NI too. I'm afraid if there was any paramilitary involvement I'd be as far away from your partner and his wired up family.

Just go. It's not worth it. You know what the locals are like here, it's not worth being shot/your home attacked.

Also, no harm to you but if you don't prioritise your children here, you're as bad as the unhinged daughter.

You are responsible for your children's safety ffs.

Your dp can see his grandchild separately at her house and not spread her toxicity into your home.

They are very unlikely to see any further arguments.
I went to bed early when the daughter called round yesterday. Today I've gone out for the day, begrudgingly missing the dinner that I've paid for and cooked.
Either I'll have to accept them calling round or more likely just leave when they are around. I have my own house about an hours drive away, If I feel forced to go there I'll be staying for the night.
If I continually leave then perhaps my partner will consider just visiting them. Or maybe it will end up breaking us up.

@MM1972 so you aren’t going to talk to him and hope he does what? Figures out that you leave when they come over?

I’m very skeptical that your relationship with Dave is very healthy if you haven’t sat down and talked through this.