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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be around partners daughter and boyfriend.

123 replies

MM1972 · 26/12/2022 18:56

Last summer there was an altercation in our house that I share with my partner our three young children. My partners daughter had moved out and cut off all contact for several months (because she made an ultimatum for my partner to choose me or her).
The daughter then started a new relationship and moved back in so she could bring her boyfriend around for sleepovers at weekends. Before I knew it the daughter and her boyfriend had moved in full time - rent free. The boyfriend would typically walk about the house in his underpants and would let their dog (a small terrier) out to the garden to do its business and not clean up.
Things came to a head when they bought a husky pup back to live with us. I asked where they were intending to keep it and was physically pushed by the daughter and threatened by the boyfriend. I was given 5 seconds to leave the kitchen 'or else' then threatened with the boyfriends grandfather, (a paramilitary I believe).
I believed I was justified in querying about the dog as they did not clean up after the other one, nor exercise it and the husky was going to be much larger and potentially could do serious damage to one of the younger children.
As soon as I was threatened, I stated 'you've threatened me and i'm phoning the police'.
As I was phoning the police the daughter called them too. However she made me to the the aggressor and stated I was going nuts and had weapons.
Two lots of police arrived, normal community police and an armed response unit - basically a swat team.
Thankfully after hearing both sides of the altercation the police took the daughter and boyfriend and their dogs away.
I thought that would be that but several days later the daughter and boyfriend came back 'just for a few days' as they had overstayed their welcome with my partner's ex. The dogs caused issues there too.
I stayed away and it was thankfully just a few days until they got their own flat. However a few weeks later I got a court summons with the daughter seeking a non molestation order against me.
The order was not awarded. But I feel completely uneasy when they come to visit now. Its as if to them nothing has happened.

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/12/2022 21:29

If you have another place to live why don't you take yourself and your children to that place? If your partner is going to continue to let the daughter come and visit even after everything that's happened then I personally wouldn't feel welcome there anymore.

808Kate1 · 26/12/2022 21:30

@MM1972 So you have your own house elsewhere? Why on earth are you not staying there with your kids while there's the possibility of your partner's daughter turning up at the house your share with your dp?

cloudsandream · 26/12/2022 21:34

You paint out the daughter very badly. Did you welcome her when you first met? What happened so badly the ultimatum occurred? There must be a backstory or lots you’re missing out here.

FairShare13 · 26/12/2022 21:38

MM1972 · 26/12/2022 19:41

In my experience many families appear to have a degree of dysfunction. My mum's family are very close but there have been several long term fall outs on my dad's side.

Show quote history

Doesn't mean it's healthy, this isn't normal op your whole family sounds extremely toxic, your poor kids witnessing this and you thinking it's normal is heartbreaking

CPL593H · 26/12/2022 21:38

You are delusional if you think your partner is fully supportive of you. This is based on your own words here.

For the sake of your poor kids at least, go back to your own house, permanently

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 21:48

cloudsandream · 26/12/2022 21:34

You paint out the daughter very badly. Did you welcome her when you first met? What happened so badly the ultimatum occurred? There must be a backstory or lots you’re missing out here.

I believe I was friendly yes. But she is not my daughter and there has been no co-parenting.
The ultimatum came about after I thought she had damaged my car.
The daughter once used my partner's credit card to order literally 1000's of pounds worth of stuff from Amazon. I would have reported this as a crime to get money back from credit card company. Nothing would have happened the daughter as she was under 16. Instead this was let go and fucked up my partner's credit. There was payday loan anfter payday loan until the debt was over 25k.
The daughter then stole stuff from both parents houses including expensive rings from the other household. This was when mental health services became involved.
I once asked the daughter to clean up after her dog, her automatic defence mechanism was to raise her voice and shout. She didn't clean the piss off the kitchen floor either.

OP posts:
Itsnamechange · 26/12/2022 21:50

I'm honestly not clear what you hoped for by posting this op. It's extremely dysfunctional and I'm surprised social services aren't involved as it's the norm for police to make a report when they're called out to a dv situation and children are there.

Your partner has no interest in protecting you, you have 3 young kids and are leaving your own home on boxing day because the daughter who tried to take a non mol order on you is still welcome? How grim.

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 21:51

808Kate1 · 26/12/2022 21:30

@MM1972 So you have your own house elsewhere? Why on earth are you not staying there with your kids while there's the possibility of your partner's daughter turning up at the house your share with your dp?

My house is in the Republic of Ireland. Kids are settled and very happy in their school. I believe it would be more traumatic (to the extreme) for me to snatch them away and get them new schools.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 26/12/2022 21:55

More traumatic than their mum being assaulted and a random adult male walking around in his pants?

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 21:56

Itsnamechange · 26/12/2022 21:50

I'm honestly not clear what you hoped for by posting this op. It's extremely dysfunctional and I'm surprised social services aren't involved as it's the norm for police to make a report when they're called out to a dv situation and children are there.

Your partner has no interest in protecting you, you have 3 young kids and are leaving your own home on boxing day because the daughter who tried to take a non mol order on you is still welcome? How grim.

There was no contact from social services. At least not with me.
My partner thinks its in the past and I should just 'get over it'.

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 26/12/2022 21:57

It’s ridiculous that you are allowing all of this to happen around your young children.

You have been treated awfully by the daughter and your partner but your job is to put your dc first.

Tell your partner that their daughter is not welcome in your home. And mean it. It’s your turn to issue an ultimatum.

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 22:05

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 26/12/2022 21:55

More traumatic than their mum being assaulted and a random adult male walking around in his pants?

But there was no actual physical assault from the boyfriend. They do not stay over now. There is no room. So there will be no one walking about in underpants.
Currently I just feel totally uncomfortable when they visit and I leave.
I am upset that my partner knows this and still welcomed them over for a dinner today that I had cooked. But maybe blood is thicker than water.
Perhaps I am being petty but I would neither have bought the food nor cooked it had I known that was even a slim possibility that the daughter and boyfriend would be eating any of it.
I got to read the reasons for the daughter seeking the non molestation order and it was two pages of made up crap that painted me as a monster. Had any of it been remotely true she would be too afraid to visit and would certainly not have asked to move in again after being removed by the police.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2022 22:06

Tbh, as you indicate the house is solely under your dp’s name, it will probably have to come from him to ban his dd and bf from the house. You say you have your own separate home, so under the circumstances, just move yourself and your DCs back there, and tell your DP you will only visit on days his dd isn’t there.

Hohofortherobbers · 26/12/2022 22:09

You know life doesn't have to be this complicated don't you? You leave and don't have to deal with these low lives again. I don't understand the ins and outs of the paramilitary, but they're really dangerous aren't they? My very first run for the hills.

Rumplestrumpet · 26/12/2022 22:11

I'm sorry OP this is a totally dysfunctional situation. And no, most families don't have this level of dysfunction. It's not something you should put up with.

I think you need to have a proper, calm conversation with your partner, based not on "me or her" but rather "I need to feel safe and comfortable in my home, I can't be disrespected by someone like this". She has got away with too much and will not get any better. It also sets a terrible example for your younger children.

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 22:12

Hohofortherobbers · 26/12/2022 22:09

You know life doesn't have to be this complicated don't you? You leave and don't have to deal with these low lives again. I don't understand the ins and outs of the paramilitary, but they're really dangerous aren't they? My very first run for the hills.

I believe the grandad would have been embarrassed to have been brought into it.
However I would also have hoped he told his grandson to wise up and not to bring a husky into a house he was a merely 'guest' in.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 26/12/2022 22:24

In my experience many families appear to have a degree of dysfunction there’s a degree of dysfunction , then there’s this. This is Addams family level dysfunction. Actually more like Shameless. Gtfo.

808Kate1 · 26/12/2022 22:25

@MM1972 But you have absolutely no guarantee this girl is not going to keep bringing trouble to your home, and ultimately your kids. Your priorities seem skew-whiff to be quite blunt. Yes many families have dysfunction - mine included - but this is way beyond that.

WeAreAllLionesses · 26/12/2022 22:28

Take your kids home.

Drive them an hour each way to their school.

Don't ever see your partner's family again.

Life is far too short to a) put up with this shit b) live with resentment c) be with someone who doesn't have your back 100.

Because if he did, there's no way you would have been eating a ready meal.

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 22:29

808Kate1 · 26/12/2022 22:25

@MM1972 But you have absolutely no guarantee this girl is not going to keep bringing trouble to your home, and ultimately your kids. Your priorities seem skew-whiff to be quite blunt. Yes many families have dysfunction - mine included - but this is way beyond that.

She is going to have some growing up to do when her baby arrives. I think there has been a realisation that the husky was not the best idea too. They have rehomed it now.

OP posts:
808Kate1 · 26/12/2022 22:32

@MM1972 I missed that she was pregnant. Maybe it will be the making of her (hopefully)!

Crumpleton · 26/12/2022 22:40

MM1972 · 26/12/2022 20:13

At the time the children were 10, 9 and 7. The oldest was upset and crying. The younger two perhaps didn't get that it was serious.

Show quote history

At the time??
So how long ago was this?

monsteramunch · 26/12/2022 22:40

PP said "But you have absolutely no guarantee this girl is not going to keep bringing trouble to your home, and ultimately your kids. Your priorities seem skew-whiff to be quite blunt."

Your response was "She is going to have some growing up to do when her baby arrives."

You don't seem to get the potential affect of this relationship on your children and the potential risk isn't worth the potential 'reward' for them.

While they're this age, that risk / reward ratio needs to take priority.

Do you agree with that?

Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 22:45

Crumpleton · 26/12/2022 22:40

At the time??
So how long ago was this?

Show quote history

Last summer. They are now 11, 10 and 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
MM1972 · 26/12/2022 22:48

monsteramunch · 26/12/2022 22:40

PP said "But you have absolutely no guarantee this girl is not going to keep bringing trouble to your home, and ultimately your kids. Your priorities seem skew-whiff to be quite blunt."

Your response was "She is going to have some growing up to do when her baby arrives."

You don't seem to get the potential affect of this relationship on your children and the potential risk isn't worth the potential 'reward' for them.

While they're this age, that risk / reward ratio needs to take priority.

Do you agree with that?

Its only me that has an issue with the daughter. Although my partner agrees the daughter is a user.
The younger kids are excited that they'll be aunts and uncles.
I'd be the biggest control freak if I tried to stop them seeing their big sister or new niece.

OP posts:
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