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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a family of educated, emotionally intelligent professionals

153 replies

Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 15:15

To think to leave a parking space on host’s drive for the disabled family member with restricted mobility?

Happy Christmas!

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 26/12/2022 18:33

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2022 18:09

Nice casual ableism there.

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Oh give it a rest. I have a disability that affects mobility. But the world is not neatly divided into Able and Disabled. Of course, there are people at the extreme ends of the spectrum, but there are millions somewhere in the middle.

It helps no one to pretend that people who are disabled are magically immune from anyone challenging them. It's totally contrary to what disabled people are have been fighting for for years - we have spent decades campaigning to be regarded as normal people who happen to have disabilities (that should be appropriately accommodated), and now the "Oo, that's ableist" numbnuts want to put us back into some box marked Different. I strongly suspect that most of the people who shout "Ableist" on SM aren't actually disabled themselves.

I am not in the least ashamed of my disability - on the contrary, I'm proud of what I accomplish in spite of it. But having a disability doesn't mean that I can't be just as much of a tosser as anyone else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2022 18:34

Getoff · 26/12/2022 18:22

What emotive bollocks. Making an assumption is not dictating anything to anyone. It's filling in missing information with what the truth is most likely to be.

If someone is have a worse-than-average day, then they have information that the person making the assumption doesn't, so maybe they should communicate that? What's being assumed will be right more often than not. so the person making the assumption will on average be correct.

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As that person with a fluctuating condition, it is not emotive bollocks at all. Why should I have to tell people - oh today I am feeling particularly crap and leave me a place to park by the door please? It is enough to do everything I have to do without increasing my mental load. And as a person, who is very private about my health irl, I would find that embarrassing and demeaning to have to do. I would rather hide how ill I am. In fact if I am that ill, I won’t even be able to breach the threshold of my home, let alone anyone else’s. I have plenty of below average days. Better that people know if I manage to make it, I need to park by the door because even if I am ok going in, I may need to be very close to my vehicle leaving. That is a fluctuating medical condition. It can’t be predicted. I can be okish then not within a short time period.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/12/2022 18:35

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 18:33

DN (DH’s side) has autism and is an utter menace on the road so if they always need to park closer to the Christmas venue. What annoys me, however, is that they never ask directly & they’re always late despite other DN’s on my side having autism and similar symptoms - they just expect there to be a space available & if not expect my family to move cars. When you’re late and all the other guests have had a few (they were all either leaving their cars there or staying overnight) this isn’t always possible. They caused a massive row yesterday that only ended after DN ran out of the car and straight into the house.

If they're an utter menace on the road, why are they driving?

And how did abandoning the car and running into the house end the row?

StaceySolomonSwash · 26/12/2022 18:35

DomesticShortHair · 26/12/2022 15:20

Mumsnet is full of educated, emotionally intelligent individuals, apparently. If that doesn’t help manage your expectations, then I’m not sure what will.

This is so very true.

JocelynBurnell · 26/12/2022 18:36

BlackberrySky · 26/12/2022 15:54

People don't always have other people's limitations front of mind. Wouldn't the host just say "hello last person to arrive, we need to leave that space free for disabled relative, please can you move your car?". To which they reply, "Yes of course, how silly of me to have forgotten that". Situation sorted.

This is far too sensible a suggestion.

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 18:39

ReneBumsWombats · 26/12/2022 18:35

If they're an utter menace on the road, why are they driving?

And how did abandoning the car and running into the house end the row?

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My autistic DNs all go to the same SEN school and love each other. DN just unbuckled himself, ran across the road, and past DH into the house because his stupid parents left him in the car by himself. I meant he’s a menace when it comes to crossing the road (he needs reigns, his teachers have suggested reigns, but my sil and bil won’t get them for him). Kid will just zoom ahead and yet again his parents both decided their wounded pride was more important than his safety.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2022 18:41

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 26/12/2022 18:33

Oh give it a rest. I have a disability that affects mobility. But the world is not neatly divided into Able and Disabled. Of course, there are people at the extreme ends of the spectrum, but there are millions somewhere in the middle.

It helps no one to pretend that people who are disabled are magically immune from anyone challenging them. It's totally contrary to what disabled people are have been fighting for for years - we have spent decades campaigning to be regarded as normal people who happen to have disabilities (that should be appropriately accommodated), and now the "Oo, that's ableist" numbnuts want to put us back into some box marked Different. I strongly suspect that most of the people who shout "Ableist" on SM aren't actually disabled themselves.

I am not in the least ashamed of my disability - on the contrary, I'm proud of what I accomplish in spite of it. But having a disability doesn't mean that I can't be just as much of a tosser as anyone else.

Show quote history

Did you actually read what the poster thinks? They think a disabled person should walk 10m even if it is a massive struggle so that a person without a disability can avoid walking 300m. That’s the very definition of ableism.

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 18:50

Did they actually say 'even if it is a massive struggle' @Mummyoflittledragon?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2022 19:03

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 18:50

Did they actually say 'even if it is a massive struggle' @Mummyoflittledragon?

Do you realise how short 10 yards is? The front to the back of my house is further. Anyone, who finds 10 yards difficult struggles a lot with their mobility. The poster didn’t need to use the exact words.

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 19:17

But if that's not actually what they've said then you can't really say that? Otherwise you could do that as a 'gotcha' for anything? 'Well you didn't actually say it, but I'm saying you meant... so you must have'?

Marchitectmummy · 26/12/2022 19:17

Just ask them to make space and move a car?

Original poster
Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 19:56

This has made for interesting reading. I am the carer (including driver) for disabled relative. They can walk a max of 20m with mobility aids, and that exhausts them, otherwise use a wheelchair. Access to host’s house dictates that they opt for a walker when visiting. They do not access shops/theatres etc. without wheelchair and a carer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 19:57

We did, indeed, ask someone to move, but I’m surprised and infuriated that it was necessary.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 20:09

'Infuriated' do you honestly think that your family had purposely and 'cruelly' as indicated by pp, parked like this? Or is it more likely that it is yes, not a great lapse of judgement in all the festive chaos and hubbub? What was the outcome? Did you pull up and see how they were parked and make a quick phone call to ask someone to move?

BluebirdRobin · 26/12/2022 20:13

Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 19:56

This has made for interesting reading. I am the carer (including driver) for disabled relative. They can walk a max of 20m with mobility aids, and that exhausts them, otherwise use a wheelchair. Access to host’s house dictates that they opt for a walker when visiting. They do not access shops/theatres etc. without wheelchair and a carer.

Could you have parked across the drive, blocking them in and displayed the BB?

Original poster
Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 20:33

Could you have parked across the drive, blocking them in and displayed the BB?

no because the space between other cars and the wall/fences is not wide enough to fit the walker. We sent another passenger in to ask people to move. This request was (begrudgingly) complied with.

OP posts:
BluebirdRobin · 26/12/2022 21:04

Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 20:33

Could you have parked across the drive, blocking them in and displayed the BB?

no because the space between other cars and the wall/fences is not wide enough to fit the walker. We sent another passenger in to ask people to move. This request was (begrudgingly) complied with.

Were there other cars parked in front of the drive then? Sorry, your comment about wall/fences and space between other cars is confusing?

If the drive can fit 3 cars, it must be a big drive so have quite a bit of space in the road directly infront of the drive. As I said, were there other cars parked directly in front of the driveway meaning you couldn't park there (blocking them in)?

Motelschmotel · 26/12/2022 21:10

Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 20:33

Could you have parked across the drive, blocking them in and displayed the BB?

no because the space between other cars and the wall/fences is not wide enough to fit the walker. We sent another passenger in to ask people to move. This request was (begrudgingly) complied with.

If they begrudged your mindee’s infirmity/disability necessitating moving a car off the driveway, in light of the disability you’ve explained, they’re arseholes nobody should want to spend time with.

Is your mindee a relative of yours?

Having said the above, it would have been nice for all concerned (home owners, visitors) to have kept in mind the need for your car to be in the driveway. But, it’s not reasonable to have the world keep other people’s disabilities in mind, and make adjustments for them at all times. We (and I mean we, there but for the grace of God etc and who knows what the future holds for any of us) can add it to the long list of disadvantages of not being young, white, able-bodied, financially comfortable men in the Western world. You can get angry and bitter and rail and the injustice and martyr yourself to the cause; or you can accept that this is the status quo and work to change it. In this case that would have meant phoning the homeowner ahead of time or on the way and telling them to make sure one space on the driveway - ideally the one closest to the front door - be kept free.

NippyWoowoo · 26/12/2022 21:12

Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 19:57

We did, indeed, ask someone to move, but I’m surprised and infuriated that it was necessary.

Based on the into you've now given YANBU, but your reaction is incredibly OTT.

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2022 21:23

We did, indeed, ask someone to move, but I’m surprised and infuriated that it was necessary.
So you arrived after other people, there was the option for the only blue badge holder to park on double yellows in front of the house when other people would have needed to park in a different street, and when you asked if someone would move to make it easier for the person with a disability they did,

and you're on Mumsnet being overly annoyed?

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 21:30

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2022 21:23

We did, indeed, ask someone to move, but I’m surprised and infuriated that it was necessary.
So you arrived after other people, there was the option for the only blue badge holder to park on double yellows in front of the house when other people would have needed to park in a different street, and when you asked if someone would move to make it easier for the person with a disability they did,

and you're on Mumsnet being overly annoyed?

If only all parking threads were as simple...
'Someone parked where I needed so asked them to move and they did'....

BluebirdRobin · 26/12/2022 21:37

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2022 21:23

We did, indeed, ask someone to move, but I’m surprised and infuriated that it was necessary.
So you arrived after other people, there was the option for the only blue badge holder to park on double yellows in front of the house when other people would have needed to park in a different street, and when you asked if someone would move to make it easier for the person with a disability they did,

and you're on Mumsnet being overly annoyed?

Yes it sounds like a lot of martyr behaviour going on. Parking in front of the house, which they were the only people who could do so legally, added the extra distance of the width of a pavement in comparison to parking on the drive, so hardly making them walk a mile extra up the road.

KnickerlessParsons · 26/12/2022 22:10

Didn't anyone think to ask someone to move so they the disabled person could park on the drive? You could put the blue badge in any car on the road if it's being used to allow thr disabled person to park
More easily. It doesn't have to be in the disabled person's car.

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 22:14

@KnickerlessParsons they did ask and then someone in the house did move!

Kennykenkencat · 27/12/2022 03:28

Idontmeanto · 26/12/2022 19:57

We did, indeed, ask someone to move, but I’m surprised and infuriated that it was necessary.

I don’t understand what the huge deal was or why you are infuriated that others forget that they may meet a disable person at a get together and should alter their parking just in case.