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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump a friend - and how?

117 replies

Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:16

I have a friend who lives locally. We met 7-8 years ago at baby groups while I was on mat leave. I didn’t have much in my life at the time as OH had a busy job and I was looking after 3 kids so we liked chatting about family stuff.

Gradually my life has changed. I went back to a job which I’m obsessed with. Paradoxically OH got less busy, so we spend more time together. Kids are older. I started exercising, lost weight, enjoy a few hobbies, and work quite hard. Life is interesting and it’s hard to fit in everything I want to do.

This friend is still a SAHM and when we meet we just chat about husbands and kids. When I bring up other topics (generic things like news, music, tv) she just smiles and says “oh wow, you do so much” and doesn’t seem too interested. I find our meet-ups quite boring and I’d rather play tennis than sit in a cafe tbh.

I’ve tried to gently drop the friendship, but she still texts me regularly asking to meet up. I’ve pleaded being busy with work. Don’t feel sorry for her - she’s much more sociable than me. Rather I think she feels sorry for me - she thinks I’m an introvert (true) and desperately lonely (false).

She wanted to meet and exchange Christmas presents last week. I replied that I’m feeling run down and haven’t been organised with presents so please don’t give me anything. I didn’t say she could come round. But she came round and gave me a present anyway. I was mortified. Today I’ll need to go and buy a present for her. We haven’t seen each other for months so I didn’t think we’d do presents this year.

Anyway, I know I’m not a very nice person but I’d appreciate pointers on how to go forward.

YABU: stop being so selfish. Make time for your friend.

YANBU: break it off definitively (how?)

OP posts:
quinceh · 24/12/2022 08:24

Ok so if you don’t like or want to be around this person anymore it’s best not to maintain a facade of being her friend. But do you really need to ‘dump’ her or ‘break it off definitively’ on the grounds that you have different interests these days? Is it possible to keep on easing off the contact and just have her as an occasional friend?

On another note I don’t think you should buy her a present. You told her you didn’t want one so she needs to get that message really.
That aside you do sound harsh on her, but perhaps she’s more annoying than she sounds here.

ihatethecold · 24/12/2022 08:25

Jeez. Christmas spirit alive and well op.

meetmynewusername · 24/12/2022 08:28

Breaking a friendship off definitively is never a kind thing to do and usually unnecessary I feel. You used her friendship when you were lonely, and now you are busy with a more interesting life you are dumping her. The least you can do is avoid hurting her directly.

Don’t go out and buy her a Christmas present back. Do not buy any more presents however many she gets for you.

Be too busy to talk. Be honest “I’m so sorry Jane it’s not personal I’m just too busy for the sorts of coffees we used to enjoy”. If she comes ‘round unexpectedly, tell her you can’t invite her in because you’re about to go out / have a shower / receive another guest.

Let her think you are the rude one and walk away with her head held high.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 24/12/2022 08:28

You sound horrible.

Don't buy her a present. She deserves more than you picking up some last minute crap out of a sense of obligation rather than something she'd actually like.

It may also send her a message that you don't even like her...

Greenpolkadot · 24/12/2022 08:28

Your correct OP,,,, you're not a nice person.

YellowHpok · 24/12/2022 08:29

Friendships move on, it's OK. You don't need to dump her, just stop being so available until it naturally fizzles out. First step is don't buy her an Xmas present. You were clear when you asked her not to but she did it anyway,not your fault.

Original poster
Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:30

quinceh · 24/12/2022 08:24

Ok so if you don’t like or want to be around this person anymore it’s best not to maintain a facade of being her friend. But do you really need to ‘dump’ her or ‘break it off definitively’ on the grounds that you have different interests these days? Is it possible to keep on easing off the contact and just have her as an occasional friend?

On another note I don’t think you should buy her a present. You told her you didn’t want one so she needs to get that message really.
That aside you do sound harsh on her, but perhaps she’s more annoying than she sounds here.

She’s not annoying. She’s very nice. We just have nothing in common any more.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 24/12/2022 08:30

“You used her friendship when you were lonely, and now you are busy with a more interesting life you are dumping her. The least you can do is avoid hurting her directly.”

^This. You were just using her all along. Nasty.

RambamThankyouMam · 24/12/2022 08:31

Greenpolkadot · 24/12/2022 08:28

Your correct OP,,,, you're not a nice person.

But why? Not wanting to continue a friendship doesn't make someone a bad person. We're not obliged to be mates with everyone.

Original poster
Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:31

YellowHpok · 24/12/2022 08:29

Friendships move on, it's OK. You don't need to dump her, just stop being so available until it naturally fizzles out. First step is don't buy her an Xmas present. You were clear when you asked her not to but she did it anyway,not your fault.

Thanks. I tried to let it fizzle out - in 2022 we only met up once - but I’ll keep trying then. I won’t get her a present.

OP posts:
Jellyjam36 · 24/12/2022 08:32

From what you've written I think you're being pretty horrible tbh (similar to what PP have said).

Usually when people want to end friendships it's because their friend is self absorbed, doesn't make time for them, only cares about their own lives..... makes no effort.

YANBU to end a friendship but I think you need to make it clear to her rather than making up excuses not to see her

PeaceJoySleep · 24/12/2022 08:32

Well if you're trying to wind down the friendship, don't rush out to buy her a present Confused

You say she pities you but do you know that that's true? Maybe she just likes you more than you like her?!

It is your absolute prerogative to wind down the friendship but I'm just wondering if you know for certain that she pities you ? worth thinking about either way. I know that I had / have (to a degree) a tendency to fill in gaps with assumptions.

Original poster
Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:33

drpet49 · 24/12/2022 08:30

“You used her friendship when you were lonely, and now you are busy with a more interesting life you are dumping her. The least you can do is avoid hurting her directly.”

^This. You were just using her all along. Nasty.

This is true to a degree. But the intention wasn’t to “use” her, we did have things in common originally and I enjoyed her company in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:33

RambamThankyouMam · 24/12/2022 08:31

But why? Not wanting to continue a friendship doesn't make someone a bad person. We're not obliged to be mates with everyone.

Show quote history

Yes I think this is true too. I can see both sides. Thank you.

OP posts:
Bronnau · 24/12/2022 08:33

Friendships do fizzle out but you sound as if you think you've moved on to be a better person, and that's not nice. I have no idea why diet and exercise are things you feel the need to list when you'e explaining to MN why you're different now. Do you only want fit friends that eat their five a day?!

AnyMucca · 24/12/2022 08:35

People change. You've a right to find her boring now but she must have been boring before. That's why it's better to hace a couple of quality friends than many randoms.

Holly60 · 24/12/2022 08:36

You do seem to view this friendship through the lens of how it suits you only.

Is there not value in it simply because she seems to value it?

You say she is a lovely person and she likes you. That to me is immensely valuable.

But if you really don't value the friendship then yes don't string her along - she sounds too nice for that. Be blunt - I'm too busy to meet up at the moment. And repeat.

I hope there doesn't come a time in your future where you wish you still had her support though

Fraine · 24/12/2022 08:37

I get you, OP. I’m an introvert too and being in situations where the conversation bores me makes me want to dig my nails into my hand.

Friendships do run their course and you are not bring AT ALL unreasonable to let this one fade out. Don’t get her a present, that sends the wrong message.

Are you a good listener? That can be a hindrance sometimes as people can just talk at you.

Don’t waste your precious free time with this woman, just fade her out.

Original poster
Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:40

Bronnau · 24/12/2022 08:33

Friendships do fizzle out but you sound as if you think you've moved on to be a better person, and that's not nice. I have no idea why diet and exercise are things you feel the need to list when you'e explaining to MN why you're different now. Do you only want fit friends that eat their five a day?!

Sorry, no, I didn’t explain fully there. We both used to talk about trying to live healthily and exercise. A couple of years ago we agreed to go swimming together. I signed up to the pool straight away but she didn’t, so I ended up going alone.

Exercise is really important to my well-being. When it feels like there isn’t enough time in the day, exercise is something I prioritise so it’s nice to have friends to share it with.

OP posts:
HomeAGnome · 24/12/2022 08:40

To dump a friend - and how ?
Your title says it all about you
Vile

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/12/2022 08:40

Wow this is a difficult one. You of course should not continue to spend time with someone you don’t enjoy being with or value time with. Life is just to short and too busy for that. However I do feel for your friend who clearly still values the relationship. However it happens to a lot of us and sadly a friendship can only be maintained when both people want it.

Normally I like the direct approach but I can’t see how that would work here without being unkind. I agree with not buying her a present and letting it fizzle out. Maybe only meet her if it is ‘doing’ something rather than just sitting about a cafe and see if you get on better when you try something different together.

im pretty sure I have been the friend in this scenario. From the perspective the thing that hurt most was this friend coming and going. Don’t dip out then expect to dip back in like nothing happened. It takes time to accept and get over a friendship coming to and end- dragging it out helps no one.

Original poster
Mrcpy · 24/12/2022 08:42

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/12/2022 08:40

Wow this is a difficult one. You of course should not continue to spend time with someone you don’t enjoy being with or value time with. Life is just to short and too busy for that. However I do feel for your friend who clearly still values the relationship. However it happens to a lot of us and sadly a friendship can only be maintained when both people want it.

Normally I like the direct approach but I can’t see how that would work here without being unkind. I agree with not buying her a present and letting it fizzle out. Maybe only meet her if it is ‘doing’ something rather than just sitting about a cafe and see if you get on better when you try something different together.

im pretty sure I have been the friend in this scenario. From the perspective the thing that hurt most was this friend coming and going. Don’t dip out then expect to dip back in like nothing happened. It takes time to accept and get over a friendship coming to and end- dragging it out helps no one.

This is good advice, which I’ll take, thank you. Sorry you went through this from my friend’s perspective.

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 24/12/2022 08:44

Genuine friendships are really hard to come by. Having said that, if it's not something you want then of course slow fade.

dooneyousmugelf · 24/12/2022 08:46

How's she meant to know you hate her guts and look down on her (ok so I exaggerated with the first one, but not the latter bit), when you keep meeting with her and replying to her messages? Stop being two-faced and commit to one approach or another.

ipreferthecat · 24/12/2022 08:46

Wow the Op sounds so so incredibly smug