To dump a friend - and how?

[Mrcpy]

I have a friend who lives locally. We met 7-8 years ago at baby groups while I was on mat leave. I didn’t have much in my life at the time as OH had a busy job and I was looking after 3 kids so we liked chatting about family stuff.

Gradually my life has changed. I went back to a job which I’m obsessed with. Paradoxically OH got less busy, so we spend more time together. Kids are older. I started exercising, lost weight, enjoy a few hobbies, and work quite hard. Life is interesting and it’s hard to fit in everything I want to do.

This friend is still a SAHM and when we meet we just chat about husbands and kids. When I bring up other topics (generic things like news, music, tv) she just smiles and says “oh wow, you do so much” and doesn’t seem too interested. I find our meet-ups quite boring and I’d rather play tennis than sit in a cafe tbh.

I’ve tried to gently drop the friendship, but she still texts me regularly asking to meet up. I’ve pleaded being busy with work. Don’t feel sorry for her - she’s much more sociable than me. Rather I think she feels sorry for me - she thinks I’m an introvert (true) and desperately lonely (false).

She wanted to meet and exchange Christmas presents last week. I replied that I’m feeling run down and haven’t been organised with presents so please don’t give me anything. I didn’t say she could come round. But she came round and gave me a present anyway. I was mortified. Today I’ll need to go and buy a present for her. We haven’t seen each other for months so I didn’t think we’d do presents this year.

Anyway, I know I’m not a very nice person but I’d appreciate pointers on how to go forward.

YABU: stop being so selfish. Make time for your friend.

YANBU: break it off definitively (how?)

She had already bought the gift for you when she arranged to meet up. Have you exchanged gifts in the past?

If so, saying “let’s not bother with presents” when she is setting the date to swap them is thoughtless and unkind. No one says “let’s meet on Thursday for a chat and swap presents” unless the present-buying is done.

You seem to think you’re better than her now.

As you only met up once in 2022, is this really such a significant problem? Could you meet up with her very occasionally, chat about whatever she’s been up to (with some compromise of what you WANT to talk about, obviously) and not have to think
about ‘ending’ or ‘dumping’?
Obvs you need to be fair on both of you though, so if you want to entirely sever the acquaintance, do so.

Just text her what you've said here...

Look I wanted to be your friend 7 or 8 years ago when I didn't have much in my life, but now I've a job I'm obsessed with, not a boring SAHM like you, I'm not a fatty like you I exercise, I like music, you don't know what that is. I'd rather play tennis than sit in a cafe like you. And for all those reasons I've been trying to ditch you, and I don't want your Christmas presents anymore.

There isn't a way to say that nicely!

Or appreciate she might not have a lot in her life like you 8yrs ago, maybe friendships are important to her. Invite her to do something other than sit in a cafe, which it sounds you associate her with, that's not her fault.

If you’ve only seen her once in 2022 what’s the problem? See her for a couple hours every 6 months or something.

You sound really mean and like you are overthinking this.

im pretty sure I have been the friend in this scenario. From the perspective the thing that hurt most was this friend coming and going. Don’t dip out then expect to dip back in like nothing happened. It takes time to accept and get over a friendship coming to and end- dragging it out helps no one.

This. I think it's happening to me and it's shit. Every time I organised to meet up (and she'd say let's meet up) she'd cancel at the last minute. Very last minute. This was even when she had invited a friend of hers who is met, but not friends with. Then I'd be stuck awkwardly with her friend. I took a step back and didn't contact her. Bumped into her DH recently and had a nice general chat. Then got a message from her all chatty. So I replied. A conversation went on back and forwards. I then suggested meeting up for a coffee and radio silence.

Don't pick her up and drop her.

But also never go looking to rekindle the friendship in the future. If she's not worth spend time with now that your life has "moved on" then she's not worth spending time. Even if hers moves on and becomes more interesting than yours.

Of course you're not obliged to be friends with her, but the way you speak about your friendship is really horrible.

You say she's a lovely person who's never actually done anything wrong, yet your opening post is all about how superior you feel your life is compared to hers.

If you feel the friendship has run its course, that's fine but there's no need to belittle her and her life to try and make yourself feel better about ditching her.

Ignore the aggressive, judgemental comments on this thread...friendships like any relationships can and do end for perfectly good reasons.

It just sounds like you had little in common to start with with that person beyond the fact that you were both parents, so it wasn't really a deep friendship.

I am going through something a little bit similar. I made big changes in my life recently after a traumatic event (assault by an ex) and I have a new job, moved to a new town, took on a volunteering role and I am pursuing a couple of creative activities I am passionate about.

I have an acquaintance who keeps inviting me to meet her but I really have no interest in doing so because I realised we really don't have any similar interests or values. She is not working and is still mainly interested in partying. I have moved on and now prefer a quieter lifestyle. I have suggested other activities rather than going out in the evenings but that doesn't really interests her.

She keeps texting me with invites but I simply turn them down. I know she is a nice person but there is not much you can do when your life takes a different direction and you simply are no longer on the same page. I simply don't enjoy my time with her anymore.

Of course you're not obliged to be friends with her, but the way you speak about your friendship is really horrible.

I can’t see that OP has said anything really horrible about her. Can you quote?

To be fair given you only met up once in 2022 i don't see why this is an issue at all. So you were slightly bored for a few hours in the whole year, so what. That's equivalent to one missed gym session a year! Stay friends with her or not doesn't seem like it would make a huge difference either way to your life to warrant this amount of stress! Plus tbh doesn't sound like she can be that worried about you be lonely either if you only met up once.

Definitely don't buy her a present and just continue to fade her out if she asks to meet up. It's fine to lose contact with friends for any reason, friendship isn't a contract that once you've met you're committed to x amount of interactions for the rest of your life. There's a reason for that saying "friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime" sounds like she was one of the earlier 2.

Friendships wax and wane

I'd be inclined to be the one to initiate a meet up - but invite her to go do something
Swimming, cinema, walk round a NT

That way you're maintaining the friendship, albeit seeing less of her, but doing something interesting at the same time

Could you invite her to something where there's a few of you?

I have experience of ending a particularly toxic friendship. Bit of a different scenario, my "friend" would want to see me all the time (I'm talking several times a week, when I was working three jobs) and if I didn't make time for her she would ask me if I'd died, and then when I did see her she would almost give me a talking too about how I needed to invest in our friendship. She would also not let me forget about how she was there for me when my Nan died but I couldn't even make the time to see her for a cuppa, honestly it was toxic. In the end I was just honest and said plainly that I had outgrown the friendship and it wasn't adding anything positive to my life anymore.
Maybe just being honest with her will help, I'm sure she would appreciate the respect. I understand how phasing out will work but if she's actually a decent person then I think she deserves an explanation, rather that her possibly speculating what she did wrong or what happened.

It’s not just a meet up once a year. The friend texts OP regularly asking to meet up. The stress of having to think of excuses for not meeting up is immense, especially for an introvert.

It’s better for everyone to let the fade the friendship out. The friend can concentrate on the other people she sees (OP implies she has lots of other friends).

Christmas Eve and you’re navel gazing about this?

Just don’t respond to messages unless absolutely necessary.
do not buy Christmas presents
do not accept party invites
do not issue party invites

et. Eyc

It's the whole tone of the OP.

This lady was good enough to spend time with when OP's partner was busy and she was a SAHM - but now she has a job and her partner is around more, she's dumping her because can't be arsed to spend a few hours having coffee occasionally.

Of course life changes and friendships change but the whole tone of the post makes OP come across as quite superior IMO - like now she has a job and goes to the gym, she doesn't have time for lowly things like coffee.

To start a thread about someone you met ONCE I. 2022

my mind boggles

So, you've only seen her once this year and she isn't annoying or a bad/unkind person, but you need to make a big deal of officially 'dumping' her because you no longer like sitting in cafes and would rather play tennis? Honestly, you sound really mean (and that you think you're above everyone else too!).

**On Christmas Eve too.

I personally like coffee catch ups...Sad you don't find her conversation interesting anymore, but equally she doesn't find yours interesting either!Why not invite her to one of your other social things. She might like tennis - you never know.

I've broken off three friendships over the course of my life and it was not pleasant to have to do and upsetting each time. I'll briefly summarise what I learned and maybe you can do better than me.

Friend 1. Seriously let me down during a time when I was in a lot of distress, having been a very selfish friend all along. She fell out with me due to a perceived slight, and I chose not to make up and rekindle. This was the easiest.

Friend 2. Became closer than I wanted when we lived in same city after being peripheral acquaintances at uni. Briefly housemates at one point as we were both skint and needed to survive at the time. I was always uneasy with her, she was something of a bully and a user. Later when no longer housemates she didn't turn up to an occasion very important to me due to a last min better offer and I decided to cut my losses, and did what would now be called ghosting. Very awkward. She contacted me to ask if I was dead.

Friend 3. Became close quickly due to being thrown together in a life situation. She was horrifyingly bitchy and said the most awful things about all her other friends to me, it was so obvious I was getting the same treatment behind my back. Also I felt I was being mined for info to be later discussed with others. I attempted to fade out, its become a bit of a challenge to her and she's trying to not allow me to fade. Very very awkward.

Omg yes dump her for her sake and also try and get over yourself. You sound like you think you are the absolute shit compared to her 😂 honestly the tennis bit was super cringe.

You want to end a friendship with someone you’ve seen once this year? Was seeing her the once too much? She is nice and not annoying (by your own admission), so how is seeing her once a year difficult? It’s not like she is really demanding of your time or anything. From your OP, it sounds as though you feel she is now beneath you and not worthy of your friendship as you lead a more interesting life.

Ease your way out of the situation.

If it doesn't work just tell her that you feel you have different interests now and don't feel that you enjoy the time with her as you used to. Tell her why you feel this way and give her a chance to change her behaviour (e.g. bring up interesting topics, not bang on about the kids and husband etc). If she continues then just say you'd prefer to have some space.

I'm not a fan of fragilising people. If you don't like or want to be around someone, I'd just tell them. All this "you are mean" is so schoolyard, if you respect her enough you will just tell her. I'd want someone to tell me!

@Mrcpy

On a side note, I am really interested how the topic is all about you OP. At no point did you consider how this may impact her. You may be one of the few people she sees, she may have limited contact with other people and you seeing her even once or twice a year may be the only non-family time she gets.

You also don't consider that if you are having this wonderfully exciting life that she may not be interested - why would someone who has to look after the kids all day want to talk about your life and things you are doing? I suspect that would feel miserable for her.

Why haven't you asked her to do something a bit more interesting than just a coffee shop? You could go to the cinema, a zoo, a museum, shopping, any number of things that would allow you to just be with her. I think this is your problem. You can't just be with her, you have to have something to do or talk about. Maybe working on being with and appreciating someone's company may be a better use of your time.

Possibly outing myself as an exercise-swerver, but who plays tennis in December?