To dump a friend - and how?

[Mrcpy]

I have a friend who lives locally. We met 7-8 years ago at baby groups while I was on mat leave. I didn’t have much in my life at the time as OH had a busy job and I was looking after 3 kids so we liked chatting about family stuff.

Gradually my life has changed. I went back to a job which I’m obsessed with. Paradoxically OH got less busy, so we spend more time together. Kids are older. I started exercising, lost weight, enjoy a few hobbies, and work quite hard. Life is interesting and it’s hard to fit in everything I want to do.

This friend is still a SAHM and when we meet we just chat about husbands and kids. When I bring up other topics (generic things like news, music, tv) she just smiles and says “oh wow, you do so much” and doesn’t seem too interested. I find our meet-ups quite boring and I’d rather play tennis than sit in a cafe tbh.

I’ve tried to gently drop the friendship, but she still texts me regularly asking to meet up. I’ve pleaded being busy with work. Don’t feel sorry for her - she’s much more sociable than me. Rather I think she feels sorry for me - she thinks I’m an introvert (true) and desperately lonely (false).

She wanted to meet and exchange Christmas presents last week. I replied that I’m feeling run down and haven’t been organised with presents so please don’t give me anything. I didn’t say she could come round. But she came round and gave me a present anyway. I was mortified. Today I’ll need to go and buy a present for her. We haven’t seen each other for months so I didn’t think we’d do presents this year.

Anyway, I know I’m not a very nice person but I’d appreciate pointers on how to go forward.

YABU: stop being so selfish. Make time for your friend.

YANBU: break it off definitively (how?)

This. And you do not need to continue friendships that are no longer pleasurable or sustaining. I’m in a new country and looking to make friends, but that only makes me more aware of the importance of genuine, mutual friendships, not ones that are essentially dead in the water or one-sided.

Also the tone of her texts (“Are you sure you’re ok…?” “Don’t forget to take care of yourself!”) makes me feel something I don’t know how to describe.

She means well, but she is pitying and patronising you for being an introvert. That kind of thing alone makes the hairs on my neck stand up. Nobody likes to be pitied, and no-one enjoys their basic inherent nature being queried and misunderstood as if they are wrong for being who and how they are.

You do come across as rather pleased with yourself, but for someone who also appears quite capable you aren’t being very capable

Don’t give her a present for heavens sake

You have only seen her once this year - it IS fading out.

Just be very clear that between work and family a social life is just being squeezed out of your life, and only see her once a year or whatever.

If she is the kind of person you describe then it just sounds like she has the time and inclination to maintain a big social circle. She is unlikely to be devastated.

YANBU 10000%

I understand your OP completely - and the intention behind it - but I think the reason so many think YABU is just due to the way you've phrased it ('dump' etc, or implying you are superior now. I don't think you intended that). I'm sorry for the amount of people piling on you and calling you nasty names (vile, horrid).

Friendships run their course due to change in circumstances or when individuals go through self-growth to different degrees. Your reasons not to want to continue seeing her are valid.

Absolutely it's difficult to end a friendship (whereas ending a romance is more clear-cut). Ideally do the slow honest fade ('I'm super busy, it's not personal') and rinse and repeat. If they don't get the polite hint, it gets trickier, so I'm not sure what happens next, sorry!

You are not vile or horrid. You sound fab and congrats on your self improvement!

Op I think I say life busy with you back working. Sorry I havent as much time. I dont think being blunt or rude is nice. But I know what you mean things run their course.

Yes you’ve expressed it well

You don't deserve her as a friend so yes, for her sake, dump her. She needs to see who you really are.

Thank you!

You are not vile or horrid. You sound fab and congrats on your self improvement!

This!

So many people trying to drag women down when they try to move forward or calling them “vile” because they have the temerity to want to choose friends that suit them.

Very depressing thread.

@Mrcpy I think it's just the way you phrased your OP.

You say you want to dump her, that your life is interesting (implying hers isn't) and that you find going for coffee with her boring - yet you were clearly happy to do it before when it suited your life at the time.

If you feel you've outgrown the friendship, then fair enough - I just think there are kinder ways to talk about someone who hasn't done anything wrong by you.

@Thepeopleversuswork

I also can’t help noticing it’s usually women who are expected to devote their time to “dead” friendships out of a sense of duty because no one thinks their spiritual or intellectual fulfilment or increasing their happiness is important. When did you last hear of a man taken to task for avoiding someone he hung out with out of expediency and now considers dull.

Women are constantly expected to play nice and tolerate dull people because that’s what women do. It’s bullshit.

This with bells on 💯💯

I'm surprised she is still interested in the friendship now you are so much better than her.

@applejack18

You are not vile or horrid. You sound fab and congrats on your self improvement!

Agree with @Thepeopleversuswork , nice to read this on a depressing thread.

I know who I’d be friends with this on this thread and it wouldn’t be the #BeKindYou’reVile mean girls.

OP Don't you realise how entitled you sound? You are not and never were a good friend. I hope she realises this and moves on. She's worth more than a few scathing words on an internet forum

#BeKindYou’reVile

Spot on!

I suspect you make everything about feminism....

You sound like a social climber who used her she's probably better off without you

Well the person who the OP is gloating about is also a woman if you want to get all feminist about it...

Do you know what? You’ve actually done me a favour. I’ve spent the last year thinking that one ‘friend’ had a stomach bug ( so couldn’t see me), had mental health issues ( so not in the place to text) and that I had somehow done something wrong.
It’s given me the insight to realise they just don’t give a shit.
By all means ‘dump’ your friend but try and have a bit of empathy as to how that may make them feel.

@Brightstarowl your posts are beyond awful. It took MN 10 seconds to delete one. That should tell you something.

I interpret the tone of the texts differently. (I'm fully siding with the OP)

The texts are patronising. They have noticed that the OP has grown and is stronger. They want to keep the OP as needy (as in the early motherhood days - I know I was - after a rough birth and generally shell-shocked). They want to keep the OP in her former role of weak and enjoying friends in the same circumstance. She's noticed the growth and may be envious. She doesn't like it. She wants you to need her still in that friend role. SHE's the smug one (ignoring the hints) and she's parading as caring. The present buying from her could even be seen as a smart sneaky move to force you into feelings of guilted reciprocation. Very smart and subtle. I see it.

@Brightstarowl

Quite a lot of interpersonal dynamics in this world are about women and the expectations placed on them. (It’s not necessarily me making it “about feminism”, though I am a feminist and proud to be one).

It is the case that women are expected to be the custodians of human relationships, the ones who smooth things over, who make peace when they may not feel like it and who are expected to tolerate sub-par relationships just because that’s what women do.

I am just observing that there is often a double standard in what women are supposed to tolerate and the accommodations they are expected to make in life compared to men. Men are not taken to task because they don’t bend over backwards to make dying friendships work or get called “vile” because they are honest that these friendships don’t work for them.

You can call this “making everything about feminism” if it fits your worldview and I don’t have a particular problem with this. I prefer to call it owning my own happiness and not being bullied into tolerating relationships that no longer work for me.

I understand both extremes of the replies to this thread. That’s why I asked. Thanks to everyone, genuinely.

I’m grateful for the times we’ve had together in the past. She’s been kind to me, and please believe me when I say I’ve been kind to her too. I’ve helped her kids quite a bit. Won’t go into details.

I respect her for being a good mum. At the same time I'm allowed to acknowledge our differences. I shouldn’t feel guilty. Need to stop agonising about this non-issue really, like I said before, she has many other friends and won’t miss me. On the other hand, meeting up twice a year and exchanging presents (if that’s what she wants to do) is not a big deal either.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas.