To dump a friend - and how?

[Mrcpy]

I have a friend who lives locally. We met 7-8 years ago at baby groups while I was on mat leave. I didn’t have much in my life at the time as OH had a busy job and I was looking after 3 kids so we liked chatting about family stuff.

Gradually my life has changed. I went back to a job which I’m obsessed with. Paradoxically OH got less busy, so we spend more time together. Kids are older. I started exercising, lost weight, enjoy a few hobbies, and work quite hard. Life is interesting and it’s hard to fit in everything I want to do.

This friend is still a SAHM and when we meet we just chat about husbands and kids. When I bring up other topics (generic things like news, music, tv) she just smiles and says “oh wow, you do so much” and doesn’t seem too interested. I find our meet-ups quite boring and I’d rather play tennis than sit in a cafe tbh.

I’ve tried to gently drop the friendship, but she still texts me regularly asking to meet up. I’ve pleaded being busy with work. Don’t feel sorry for her - she’s much more sociable than me. Rather I think she feels sorry for me - she thinks I’m an introvert (true) and desperately lonely (false).

She wanted to meet and exchange Christmas presents last week. I replied that I’m feeling run down and haven’t been organised with presents so please don’t give me anything. I didn’t say she could come round. But she came round and gave me a present anyway. I was mortified. Today I’ll need to go and buy a present for her. We haven’t seen each other for months so I didn’t think we’d do presents this year.

Anyway, I know I’m not a very nice person but I’d appreciate pointers on how to go forward.

YABU: stop being so selfish. Make time for your friend.

YANBU: break it off definitively (how?)

Loads of people

I went for a run this morning and loads out

it’s 11 degrees and beautiful

Well this has been a reality check

I'd say disregard the insane nastiness and listen to the more moderate and sensitive responses only. The only reality check I'd take from this thread would be not to post this sort of thing in AIBU.

Good post. Decent people are not that easy to find imo. There are lots of takers out there.

Ah so you used her when your life was boring and you had nothing much else to do… you sound lovely.

Ahhh so when you was bored you basically used her but now your busy and happy in life you don't want to be friends?

You sound awesome.

This lady was good enough to spend time with when OP's partner was busy and she was a SAHM - but now she has a job and her partner is around more, she's dumping her because can't be arsed to spend a few hours having coffee occasionally.

But let’s be honest here… loads of “mum friendships” are like this. A lot of them are friendships of expediency not real bonds.

The OP sounds much more driven and dynamic than the other woman who sounds as if she has not really experienced any kind of growth as a person since having children. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what someone’s limitations are and accepting that there are parts of your life they will never fulfill. A friendship is not a marriage.

I don’t see that it’s necessary to “dump” this person. I think it’s a slow fade (which the OP has done already). But I don’t see why wanting to choose friends who align with where you are in your life makes you “vile”.

Friendships come and go in my experience, normal in life. I am a bit of a crap friend though! But I’ve fizzled out a few and had a few fizzle me out. No hard feelings, it’s life!

Personally I just think friendships ebb and flow, and I feel like they're usually contextual. All friendships revolve around an anchor point - working together, Thursday night after-work drinks, kid/dog playdates, shared hobby, etc. I don't think you're a bad person at all. I also don't think you're a user!

You were in similar circumstances when you became friends, and circumstances have changed, which leaves you with much less in common. You also get this sense that your friend sees you as this kind of stressy, work-obsessed introvert who needs a social life, so she takes pity on you. That feeling doesn't come from nowhere. I can actually relate, because I've had friends like this - they'll make comments like "when do I get to drag you out?" / "Are you dead?" etc.

I just think you're incompatible as friends now, from the sound of it. So the only way forward, if you don't want to continue the friendship, is to explain to her gently that you feel you're on different pages now, or to do the slow fade - never meet up, and take weeks to reply to texts. It's up to you which one you choose to go with.

Like I said - there's nothing wrong with not wanting to continue a friendship, but there's no need to look down upon the other person when they've actually done nothing wrong.

OP was quite happy to be friends with this lady when it suited, but now can't be arsed as she's decided she has better things to do with her free time than sit and have a coffee occasionally.

Yes, lots of friendships are circumstantial but that doesn't mean you have to be so disparaging about a person you clearly liked and cared about at some point - especially when there hasn't actually been a fight or a disagreement.

So... You're allowed to dump a bloke you've dated after you realise you have little in common and he bores you, but you're not allowed to realise your life situation has changed and you no longer have anything in common with a casual friend who bores you, yet pities you because you are an introvert?

If you only met once this year I'm not sure why she still sees you as a friend. I don't like being phased out or ghosted. I think it's cruel. Just either tell her ( preferable) or ignore her completely so she gets the picture. One of my friends did this to me, phased me out. Then years later her husband died. I keep wondering how she is but have to sit on my hands and remind myself she very likely can't stand me.

DO NOT buy her a present.

Stop being a pushover.

@thelobsterquadrille

OP was quite happy to be friends with this lady when it suited, but now can't be arsed as she's decided she has better things to do with her free time than sit and have a coffee occasionally.

But that’s life, no?

This happens all the time. People are “friends” because they work together or because they share a hobby or their partners are friends. When the factors that link them dissolve the friendship also breaks down.

I don’t see why anyone should feel obligated to remain friends with someone out of duty when the friendship is no longer life enhancing. It sounds as if this woman has no interest whatsoever in the world beyond her immediate horizon. Frankly people like this are quite soul destroying and I wouldn’t want to prioritise this sort of friendship over something much more life affirming like exercising or something which expands your horizons.

I don’t think the OP should be cruel to her but I think it’s entirely reasonable for her to decide this isn’t where her time is best invested.

I also can’t help noticing it’s usually women who are expected to devote their time to “dead” friendships out of a sense of duty because no one thinks their spiritual or intellectual fulfilment or increasing their happiness is important. When did you last hear of a man taken to task for avoiding someone he hung out with out of expediency and now considers dull.

Women are constantly expected to play nice and tolerate dull people because that’s what women do. It’s bullshit.

@Thepeopleversuswork - yes, as I've said multiple times, of course friendships end and I don't think OP should feel obligated to this woman by any means.

But the way she wrote the OP - it just seemed so sneery and like she felt the friendship was beneath her now. It's just not necessary to be like that about someone who actually hasn't done anything wrong.

I would probably be quite hurt if I thought my old friends felt like that about me. Yes, we're not close anymore but at least they have the decency to be respectful and don't look down on me because we no longer share the same interests 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course you can move on the friendship.

But you can do so without being unpleasant about it and looking down on the person 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mean post OP. Your friend sounds like a nice person who clearly still values you. I don't have a single friend that goes out of their way to give me a Christmas or birthday present. I dont do it either so its not a problem.

Let's hope you are not on the receiving end of being actively dumped by a friend anytime soon. Don't go back looking to be friends if Life for ukh gets boring again!

@thelobsterquadrille

I don’t think the OP is being sneery. She has given an honest appraisal of why this person no longer meets her needs.

She has undergone no growth or change at all since having children and her conversation still revolves around her kids and she appears to shut down any attempt to discuss anything more outward looking. The OP has just pointed out that her life has expanded while this woman’s has shrunk and she feels claustrophobic in her presence. I would feel the same.

There was nothing sneery in what I read. I think people are projecting.

This makes me sad. I can't believe what I'm reading. Let your good friend go and find someone who will appreciate her. Then she isn't wasting her own time either.

I'd be honest too. Say how you feel and don't just do the cowardly thing and ghost her. OP you didn't come across well from your post. Your friend deserves better.

I just don't see it like that I guess.

There's a big difference saying you don't feel a connection anymore and looking down on someone because (in your opinion) they haven't "shown any growth".

It's just not a nice way to speak about someone you clearly valued and cared for at some point in your life. You can let friendships go and move on without all the digs about their personality and hobbies and what they like to talk about.

You’ve hit the nail on the head re how I feel. I tried to do the slow fade over 1-2 years, but the recent Christmas present made me realise that it’s not working. Also the tone of her texts (“Are you sure you’re ok…?” “Don’t forget to take care of yourself!”) makes me feel something I don’t know how to describe.

I’m laughing at preferring tennis to the cafe. You’re looking for someone to exercise with she’s looking for someone to chat with. She doesn’t want to exercise with you and has clearly not done that. You don’t want to chat and yet carry on. Your reluctance is presented as introversion and loneliness so she persists to help you. She’s a good friend. She’s probably mightily tired of finding ways of seeing you especially if she wants to chat about family and friends and you want to showcase your current events knowledge. Your thoughts on her are negative and belittling yet she seems to say things that build you up even when you are boring her.

it’s sad that a Christmas present has highlighted all this. She sounds really nice and kind.

I don’t mean to sound superior and I don’t look down on her. We’re interested in different things. Not all my activities are high-brow. I have a sick relative who I should visit more often than I do. I like to game and watch trashy tv sometimes. She doesn’t relate to any of my interests.

Are you projecting? I’m not a big talker and I make conversation about stuff she wants to talk about.