To dump a friend - and how?

[Mrcpy]

I have a friend who lives locally. We met 7-8 years ago at baby groups while I was on mat leave. I didn’t have much in my life at the time as OH had a busy job and I was looking after 3 kids so we liked chatting about family stuff.

Gradually my life has changed. I went back to a job which I’m obsessed with. Paradoxically OH got less busy, so we spend more time together. Kids are older. I started exercising, lost weight, enjoy a few hobbies, and work quite hard. Life is interesting and it’s hard to fit in everything I want to do.

This friend is still a SAHM and when we meet we just chat about husbands and kids. When I bring up other topics (generic things like news, music, tv) she just smiles and says “oh wow, you do so much” and doesn’t seem too interested. I find our meet-ups quite boring and I’d rather play tennis than sit in a cafe tbh.

I’ve tried to gently drop the friendship, but she still texts me regularly asking to meet up. I’ve pleaded being busy with work. Don’t feel sorry for her - she’s much more sociable than me. Rather I think she feels sorry for me - she thinks I’m an introvert (true) and desperately lonely (false).

She wanted to meet and exchange Christmas presents last week. I replied that I’m feeling run down and haven’t been organised with presents so please don’t give me anything. I didn’t say she could come round. But she came round and gave me a present anyway. I was mortified. Today I’ll need to go and buy a present for her. We haven’t seen each other for months so I didn’t think we’d do presents this year.

Anyway, I know I’m not a very nice person but I’d appreciate pointers on how to go forward.

YABU: stop being so selfish. Make time for your friend.

YANBU: break it off definitively (how?)

Be nice to people on the way up as you might need them in the way down.

You sound quite selfish. I have friends I’m very close with, others more like acquaintances and I nurture them all. Friends are precious and your friend sounds like a lovely person. You don’t really deserve her.

Get her a bottle of prosecco/ cava/ champers/ roughly equal value with what she gets you. Try and keep it going a few more months and then re-assess. That's what I'd do. Good luck OP.

She’s not annoying. She’s very nice. We just have nothing in common any more.

Then you don’t just dump her, no. That’s nasty.

Just gradually ease off the friendship as suggested. I get life is too short to spend it doing things you don’t want to do. But you don’t just discard people (unless they’ve done something terrible). Don’t buy her a present and when she suggests things just say so sorry I’m really busy at the moment.

Sometimes it’s nice occasionally spending time with someone who is just nice but if you don’t feel that then let it dwindle.

Just to add. She clearly likes you. You never know when you might need a good friend or someone who cares. So I agree with those saying treat everyone well and having people in your life who genuinely like you and care is priceless.

Things are good and busy in your life now, and you don’t feel you need her friendship, but how would you feel if they change? E.g. problems in your marriage, a period of illness, other friendships breaking down, etc. Only you can know the answer to this, but is the friendship of a kind person who likes you and has known you for a long time really something to be thrown away? Or is it worth trying to invest the energy to fix the things that bug you, e.g. explain to her that she may not mean it that way but you find it patronising when she asks continually if you’re ok?

Just gradually ease off the friendship as suggested. I get life is too short to spend it doing things you don’t want to do. But you don’t just discard people (unless they’ve done something terrible). Don’t buy her a present and when she suggests things just say so sorry I’m really busy at the moment.

This isn't a nice way to treat someone either, though, especially as it's always really obvious it's a lie.

It is the case that women are expected to be the custodians of human relationships, the ones who smooth things over, who make peace when they may not feel like it

and who are expected to tolerate sub-par relationships just because that’s what women do.

They’re not mutually exclusive. Women often are better at managing relationships and peace keeping. That doesn’t mean we have to put up with sub par relationships.

You’ve mentioned a few times that she has a big circle of friends and you don’t think she’ll miss you. But if you only met her once this year yet she’s bought you a Christmas present, it sounds to me like she is missing you and hoping the friendship can be rekindled.

This isn't a nice way to treat someone either, though, especially as it's always really obvious it's a lie.

The OP can’t win here can she? She’s “vile” if she’s honest with this woman and if she fades out she’s unkind.

The solution seems to be to live in some perpetual state of dishonesty in order not to be accused of being “selfish” or “pleased with yourself”.

@Mrcpy no I do t think I’m “projecting” as I don’t see any parallels with the relationships I have in my life. I was trying to give you an outsiders view on the relationship as you reported it.
Look there’s nothing wrong with wanting to meet for a chat or with wanting to meet for tennis. The problem seems to be you are disappointed that she doesn’t want the same relationship/activities you do. You describe her as happy and sociable. If that’s the case she might miss you but she has lots of other friends and they probably like her as she is and enjoy spending time with her. As I said she sounds nice and kind. Say thank you for the present, personally I’d buy her one, and then just tell her you are busy next time she wants to meet. You ARE busy, because the meeting is valueless to you and you want to use that time to exercise. Trust me there will be many more people who want her time because chatty, family focused, kind friends are what many people value.

I agree with this - some people talk on here about friendships so heartlessly.

Yes, it's useful to have things in common at the start of a friendship because it facilitates opportunities to get to know each other. But once someone is my friend, I just care about them for who they are, not because we have the same interests I can't get my head around not wanting someone to be my friend anymore because they have different interests. Did you never care about her as a human being? How can you just switch that off just because you feel you've now got different hobbies?

Sometimes a friendship can be and flow, depending on what is going on in life. Personally the shared experiences and depth of knowledge of a long standing friendship are to be valued. You may be at different points in life right now, but as others have said, life changes again. However it sounds as if you have made up your mind about this one. I would advise against this awful trying to fade, I have had it done to me recently and it has been extremely hurtful. If you are really sure, and you appear to have a level of contempt for her. Rip the plaster off. Next time she text, just say you appreciate her efforts to keep the friendship ticking over, but you feel it has become one sided and you don’t wish to continue. Don’t bother saying it’s not personal, because it clearly is.
defo don’t go buying a present for her.

100% this ❤️❤️

Not RTFT but I have been dropped by a friend this year and she has just gradually made excuses for not meeting until I got the message:) I am not offended: I think she is v busy at the moment. We just send Xmas or bday wishes! I think you have already dropped her tbh.

Who needs enemies, eh?

You are not a nice person.

I have a very good friend who is a SAHM and I'm in a professional job. I love her to bits. Her life has no bearing on her as a person. I may one day be out of the job and need some support. I also deliberately do not talk to her about my hobbies/work (even though she asks me 20 questions about it) because I do not want her to feel a type of way.

I had to dump one friend in my life. To be fair, she was the one who officially ended the relationship and I did not bother to rekindle it and told her to not use me as a pick up dolly (leave, then comes back when something bad happens, etc).

But this friendship was time consuming. I am a people pleaser, which doesn't help, but she would call me (every fucking single day) for 2 hours) to only talk about her issues. Every fucking single day. Anytime we talked about my issue, she would advise me for 2 minutes and then go back to talking about herself. She expected me, after speaking to her every day for two fucking hours, to go and visit her in her flat. Which I was doing- and then when I told her that I couldn't come one weekend, she would get upset. One day, I just blew it and told her how I felt. I said some mean things but I was sick of her selfishness.

You are not a true friend to this woman. You are a fairweather friend and she will see you for what you are soon enough. So in some ways it doesn't matter what you do.

You specifically gave the reason for no gifts because you were run down so of course she would express concern.