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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told my toddler "rules the roost"

119 replies

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 24/12/2022 04:36

Recently separated from Ex and living back with parents who are very old school and my DS2. It's incredible awful time of year to be doing this and I'm dealing with a break up but last night after DS went to bed my parents decided to talk to me about parenting and how my son rules the roost, how I need to be more in control and not give in, examples used are when I feed him I'm giving him too big a portion ( fussy eater but aren't they all at 2) and I need to stick it out so if he doesn't eat dinner he doesn't get a yoghurt and how I need to be the leader and not let DS dominate and how he is a handful. I'm just trying so hard I'm in a situation I don't want to be in ( living back with parents and financially not able to leave any time soon) I just said right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water with being ok, looking after my son and making sure he is as happy as can be after this big change. It just made me feel shit! On top of a failed relationship I have huge mum guilt and now this!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 24/12/2022 04:45

Food, toys, the way he plays, choices over TV, lots of other things I think they could stay out of

'Being a handful' to me you need to address that, kids do not need to play up 'to express themselves' or otherwise I have heard parents try and justify bad behaviour.

If they are not coping you need to fix that

Reugny · 24/12/2022 04:55

You may actually be giving him too big a portion.

It is very common to give small children too much.

The no yoghurt thing until he clears his plate is simply mean and nasty especially if you have given him too much. Children are now taught to eat until they are full. This means there is a lot more food waste than what your parents would be used to when they brought you up.

lennolin · 24/12/2022 05:22

You could have 10 kids who are all amazing so you know your an amazing mum, but move back in with your own mum will always be hard because in her house she's the mum. If you want to raise kids in her house you need to talk and set some boundaries x

Shoxfordian · 24/12/2022 05:44

It’s probably quite an adjustment for them to be living with a toddler so you should make some allowances for them

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 05:45

Maybe the portions are too big, and if he's fussy then you give a yoghurt then it's not great imo. In our house fruit and veg is not a choice.

And you may not want to hear this but its unlikely they are happy about you moving in with a possiblr unruly toddler either, they have their life and to have you move back in is a big thing. Of course they are going to say things. Sorry OP but I think they are probably right, you probably do have a toddler that's a bit out of hand. Not an ideal situation but you'll have to try your best to get on with them because they are doing you a favour. Are you on the housing list? Can you private rent with some help from government?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/12/2022 05:48

In our house fruit and veg is not a choice the child is 2, short of ramming food down their throats how do you make a 2yr old eat what you give them?

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 05:53

I never said you force feed them. If you put crap on their plate they will eat it. Kids that only eat chicken nuggets were given them by their parents! If they are hungry, they will eat the healthy food. No drama, just healthy stuff there at every meal. Interesting you seem to assume I condone force feeding a child??

MrsDoyle351 · 24/12/2022 05:57

@Christmaslover2022

Your comments are not helpful to the OP. She came on here looking for support at a difficult time - not another lecture.

Suzi888 · 24/12/2022 05:57

Difficult situation for you and your parents, 💐

I’d just carry on as you are and say you’re trying your best.

MrsDoyle351 · 24/12/2022 06:00

The child is 2 years old - what exactly is bad behaviour at that age? Have you met a toddler recently ? They're not exactly big on commonsense or good/bad behaviour at that age.

ivykaty44 · 24/12/2022 06:01

It’s better that your parents have communicated with you, don’t take it as criticism of you.

im sure your doing a great job in the main, you’ve Got a well lived toddler, in a warm living home.

being observed parenting is a difficult one, but it might be you can use this to get some help from them?

fir example can you reduce his meal size so he eats it all and then is offered a yogurt if still hungry?

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 06:01

So because I don't agree with the OP, I'm not supportive? So basically you want an echo chamber not another opinion?

urrrgh46 · 24/12/2022 06:01

Your child your way! They made the decisions about how they brought you up - you get to make them about your child. If they think they did a reasonable job with you then they should trust you to do a reasonable job with your own child. In addition you've both been through a trauma of the break up and massive life change your parents need to leave you alone to get yourself back together and let you son heal too. Honestly I don't know where the compassion and empathy in people goes a lot of the time.

urrrgh46 · 24/12/2022 06:03

That said - I be planning to get out of there asap as the parents will probably continue to be a pain and a 2 yr old is a 2 yr old - they don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing!!

ivykaty44 · 24/12/2022 06:06

So because I don't agree with the OP, I'm not supportive? So basically you want an echo chamber not another opinion?

^ that’s not going to happen on mn 😂 people will give their opinion, they won’t be an echo chamber on mn

ivykaty44 · 24/12/2022 06:08

Honestly I don't know where the compassion and empathy in people goes a lot of the time.

gosh yes, taking in your dd and gs to live in your home, is that not showing compassion and empathy

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/12/2022 06:10

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 05:53

I never said you force feed them. If you put crap on their plate they will eat it. Kids that only eat chicken nuggets were given them by their parents! If they are hungry, they will eat the healthy food. No drama, just healthy stuff there at every meal. Interesting you seem to assume I condone force feeding a child??

I’m just asking what this “won’t tolerate” comment that certain type of people say, actually means. Of course OP should continue to offer all foods and not remove food groups/ but very few of us would send a 2 yr old to bed hungry.

miltonj · 24/12/2022 06:11

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 05:53

I never said you force feed them. If you put crap on their plate they will eat it. Kids that only eat chicken nuggets were given them by their parents! If they are hungry, they will eat the healthy food. No drama, just healthy stuff there at every meal. Interesting you seem to assume I condone force feeding a child??

You've obviously never had a fussy eater.

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 06:11

Where does it say 'won't tolerate'

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 06:14

Can't be bothered with this tbh! If you want to feed you kids processed rubbish and then give them desserts, go ahead. I'm not a monster that force feeds children.

If you think the OP's parents won't give their opinions then you're wrong. Maybe her parents have a point.

Christmaslover2022 · 24/12/2022 06:15

miltonj · 24/12/2022 06:11

You've obviously never had a fussy eater.

Show quote history

You obviously know me so well!

MsChatterbox · 24/12/2022 06:16

Smile and nod... Smile and nod... You are doing great.

Jojo19834 · 24/12/2022 06:19

MrsDoyle351 · 24/12/2022 06:00

The child is 2 years old - what exactly is bad behaviour at that age? Have you met a toddler recently ? They're not exactly big on commonsense or good/bad behaviour at that age.

Came on to say this! They are 2, a butt pain age but 2. Doubt you are doing a bad job, and you are right, timing was bad on their part. They are probably struggling to adjust to this change and maybe you mention to them how it has made you feel and just ‘suck it up’ temporally whilst their to ride it out to the other side when you get your own space again. But as some have said, parenting differs between people and generations. My mum has started to make the odd comment, my dad doesn’t but he didn’t really do much parenting so doesn’t have his own style! I am doing it my way as that is what works when a full time working single parent. If I had a nanny to raise my children then I may do things differently (which my mum did!).

waterrat · 24/12/2022 06:20

Cant believe the first comments pn here are just nagging the Op about how to be the perfect parent ..

Op your child and you are in a traumatic time of your life. You need to explain calmly to your parents thst it wont help your parenting to feel judged and watched

Obviously this isnt ideal so hopefully you will get out soon.

Mumsnet has stopped being a supportive place in recent years and just full of people who think they know exactly how to parent children perfectly

Clearly the op is having a hard time snd does not need comments from strangers about when to give her toddler a yogurt

Outtasteamandluck · 24/12/2022 06:25

How long will you be there?

Is it a temporary thing. I think they probably mean well. And it's tricky cos you live there. You could nod and pretend to listen?

My dad more than my mum is like this. Children should be seen and not heard mentality. Visibly uncomfortable when the DC make any noise.

Luckily didn't live with them but even when I visit I shall keep it brief now.

Upsetting, definitely. But I'm not gonna change him.