Being told my toddler "rules the roost"

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Recently separated from Ex and living back with parents who are very old school and my DS2. It's incredible awful time of year to be doing this and I'm dealing with a break up but last night after DS went to bed my parents decided to talk to me about parenting and how my son rules the roost, how I need to be more in control and not give in, examples used are when I feed him I'm giving him too big a portion ( fussy eater but aren't they all at 2) and I need to stick it out so if he doesn't eat dinner he doesn't get a yoghurt and how I need to be the leader and not let DS dominate and how he is a handful. I'm just trying so hard I'm in a situation I don't want to be in ( living back with parents and financially not able to leave any time soon) I just said right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water with being ok, looking after my son and making sure he is as happy as can be after this big change. It just made me feel shit! On top of a failed relationship I have huge mum guilt and now this!

@Christmaslover2022 I give my son a healthy dinner and fruit every day and he doesn't touch any of it. He's four and still won't eat a single fruit or veg.

I have a difficult time with my mum, and on the occasion as an adult I had to move back in with her briefly, I used this phrase which worked well. ‘Oh…. I’d not thought of that, I’ll give it some thought. Thanks.’
it’s nice respectful and actually says that you’re taking what they say in, but ultimately think it’s something you will decide on. It really helped me position myself and also to help her realise that she could say what she wanted but I wasn’t going to just capitulate. It didn’t solve everything and she didn’t stop, but it just changed the dynamic, especially in my head.

please also remember that your toddler will be just fine if you do what she says or not. There is no ‘right’ way to bring up a child and while you’re struggling with a situation, don’t worry too much. Toddlers just need hugs and cuddles and lots of fun. He’ll eat when he gets hungry. Xxx

I don’t know anyone with a two year old who doesn’t rule the roost, to be honest! Mine is mostly pretty good, but regularly is funny about food - not fussy but often just point blank refuses dinner or lunch. I think it may be related to teeth.

I think people forget quickly, I’ve even noticed this on here where advice people are given about two year olds is often more suited to the upper age range of three or four.

I get told this by family all the time too and how I need to be tougher etc. Tbh yes she does rule the roost - she's 2 - toddlers are widely known as being tyrants!!!

I do doubt my parenting at times as i think we all do but when it comes to my parents I remember that theres probably a reason I'm riddled with anxieties and insecurities in my adult life and if I delved deeply enough into it, its probably something to do with their tougher parenting style and that always makes me feel better about my gentler approach.

On the food - mine has got fussier over time but if she doesn't eat her dinner but asks for something else later, my rule of thumb is she can have fruit, yoghurt, cheese, cereal etc - but not snacks/treats. I won't send her to bed hungry for what is probably just a phase.

Hope you're OK.

First of all, I’m sorry that you and your LO are going through this, especially with the holidays.

He’s two. His world has been dramatically changed. I’d be shocked if he WASN’T more demanding and out of sorts! You’re stressed, so he’s picking up on that too.

Be kind to yourself. You’re doing as best you can. For anyone to be criticizing when you’re both trying to get through is incredibly unkind, imo

They’re probably finding it hard too. I wouldn’t want to live with a toddler again!

It is likely a long time since they had to share their home with a two year old, they have likely forgotten how challenging it can be.

I would be looking to make the arrangement as temporary as possible.

I think most 2 year olds 'rule the roost'. Hope this stay is just for a while and you can just nod and smile when they give their opinions. They probably mean well, but parenting styles and advice have moved on a lot since they were last parenting a toddler.
I hope you are ok. This must be such a hard time to be in that position.

I know you're living there but fuck me I wish people would mind their own business. He's loved and cared for and we don't whip them into shape like in their day! I used to be harsh with food and my kids because it's what I saw with my parents and now I realise it's cruel. If they've eaten well ish they get a piece of fruit or yoghurt and I'm not making them clear their plate because I don't always so why should they! Tell them to butt out! Their roof but your kid so your rules

This 100%

We all have different ideals when it comes to parenting.

And toddlers can be notoriously difficult. (But are also a lot of fun & laughter!!)
Just get your DS in a good routine of sleep, play and food times and all will be fine.

The child is going to be upset its parents have just split up for fucks sake

Put smaller portion on the plate always ask gor more not less

The thing is (and I say from experience!) it's their home, their rules. I too went back after a breakup with a toddler in tow, but had the added bonus (?) that my grandmother lived there too. Four generations under one roof. My mum used to tell me I was too strict, and would let my dd get away with stuff that I wouldn't. I said to her at one point why do you keep doing that? I'm just doing what you did when I was little! She explained that she had learnt from her mistakes... so I relaxed a little.
My dd ultimately benefited from living with her grandparents and great-grandmother, and it did mostly work out. My dad was the biggest problem though! But in reality he had never actually done any parenting as when I was a child he was always at work.

No yogurt/dessert until cleared plate is silly and just creates issues when they are older. I would give a smaller portion maybe, the only thing I would draw the line at is if they are refusing any main course and want to fill up on yogurt etc.

Also they are allowed some things they just don't like same as adults surely. The best way is don't make a huge deal of meal times, plate down they eat how much they want, if asking for more food after refusing main its healthy carrot sticks or cucumber etc.

If they are hungry, they will eat the healthy food.

Not always. DD wouldn't eat anything she didn't like when she was little. She was very underweight, so I was desperate to get her to eat anything at all. I dislike it when people say this because it just isn't true.

She is 22 now and loves vegetables and is an excellent cook.

You give them no choice. And no alternatives.

And if they don't eat what they're given? How long do you hold out for?

Is this just about food and mealtimes though?
Rules the roost seems a bit of an extreme expression if he's OK otherwise

Oh OP I’m sorry, that all sounds crap and not what you needed at all. Yep, I’m sure it’s tough for your parents too but this is going to be emotionally and practically very difficult for you just now.

This thread seems to have gone down a rabbit hole of advice about getting a 2 year old to eat appropriately but I’m not sure that’s the point. You’re struggling, it’s hard, the criticism has made you feel like you’re failing but you’re not. Your child is loved and cared for, this is a hard time, the other stuff will come.

I’d go with the nod and smile.

Sorry that you're going through this. Ditch the mum guilt. You're not doing anything wrong.

My toddler is the same and my parents and others have said similar stuff to me. About how my DD has me wrapped around her little finger etc. I don't take it to heart. I really don't. It's likely true, and so what ? We talk together about different ways we can respond to any challenging behaviour. It's team work if you spend a lot of time with people. I've stayed for prolonged periods of time with my own parents who also think my DD is an absolute handful. We discuss her behaviour and what they'd do and then I either agree and we try it, or I disagree and state my reasons and they leave it.

I am the kind of person who gets offended easily. Somehow this just doesn't offend me at all. I'm new to parenting a toddler and I am open to suggestions. I read books on it too. My girl is now getting a bit older and things are getting a bit easier. It's not because of anything I've done really I don't think. She just understands more, her language is better and she reasons a bit more. 6 months ago, it was much harder.

So, please, your toddler doesn't sound weird at all. Your parents reaction is also not that extreme, but I can understand what you're going through, makes it seem that way perhaps. Everyone is just learning and with open communication, you'll all get there. Good luck with it all.

Advice for food is that you provide the food and the child chooses how much to eat. This profile on Instagram is great for ideas:

instagram.com/sr_nutrition?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

She also has a book on how to feed a toddler. It has brilliant advice on portion sizes.

Children shouldn't be forced to eat.

I find our parenting today is very different to how our own parents did it. Your LO had gone through a lot of change - give him time.

Your child your way! They made the decisions about how they brought you up - you get to make them about your child.

Problem is - it’s their house not the OP’s. And they have a right to live comfortably in their own house.

The OP maybe doesn’t realise how disruptive her DS can be. An open conversation need to be had.

I absolutely despise the word 'handful' for a child. Does anyone really think a child has to be convenient and compliant all the time?
Yes it's a difficult situation all round, but the people who should take the brunt of it here are adults. Any help, discipline (in the proper way as in guiding a child to live the best life they can not instilling fear and pain into them) should be given to the child to improve the child's life, not ours. It's the adults responsibility to help the child make the child's life better not the child's responsibility to make the adults life easier.
I think having a chat with your parents about how they can help you help your child and their grandchild through this might help them have some empathy for a child who's world's been turned upside down without any choice.
This must be so difficult for you too, is it going to be much longer?

No you are being deliberately obtuse. You are not helping because frankly what you suggest is not realistic. You either had extraordinarily compliant children or you are lying. Most 2 year olds (and I've worked with a fair few) will not placidly sit and eat what they don't want. Most non- abusive parents will not let their children go hungry. So if a 2 year old is refusing to eat what is provided the natural parental instinct is to find something they will eat.

At no point has OP mentioned plates full of chicken nuggets. She mentioned a yoghurt.

You keep trying small bits of different food until they get used to it and eventually they become good eaters but you don't withhold food as a punishment for expressing a preference.

I think parents who were very strict find it extremely challenging to witness it being done another way by their own children. It seems like criticism to them. Plus when they were parents, your grandparents were telling them this stuff, and they are unconsciously replicating that role.

On the portions - have a Google and see if they have a point. On the behaviour - have your own boundaries shifted? I know when I’m on the bones of my area with work, or emotionally, I hold the line on eg screen time far less than I should. Inwardly I think “oh sod it, just have the bloody iPad, I’m too tired to argue”. Is there an element of that?

If not and it really is that they expect you to parent in a way which makes you uncomfortable, you need to politely make that clear. Why is it not your ex living at his parents?

How long are you staying with your parents? Is it only for a few weeks or will it have to be a bit more permanent while you sort finances out?

I have to say, I would really struggle to move back home now and I don't even have children. This is a massive adjustment for all of you - so while you feel their criticism is unfair, try and remember that it's not just your life that's been turned upside down by all this.

I used to get this all the time from the older generation. It’s a stock phrase. That and “Here comes Trouble” (referring to DD) which I find offensive, actually. Label a child and that’s what they become, and all that.

I’d ignore it. If you can. Or agree with them and then carry on doing what you’re doing.

That's not always true actually. Even if hungry, if someone genuinely doesn't like something they won't eat it unless they feel coerced then perhaps they might but the experience will be negative and may give them food related issues when older.

I agree with not letting kids take the mick with food in terms of only eating crap when they could eat better however I also don't agree with making people eat things that they genuinely do not like