Being told my toddler "rules the roost"

[hasitreallybeenthatlong]

Recently separated from Ex and living back with parents who are very old school and my DS2. It's incredible awful time of year to be doing this and I'm dealing with a break up but last night after DS went to bed my parents decided to talk to me about parenting and how my son rules the roost, how I need to be more in control and not give in, examples used are when I feed him I'm giving him too big a portion ( fussy eater but aren't they all at 2) and I need to stick it out so if he doesn't eat dinner he doesn't get a yoghurt and how I need to be the leader and not let DS dominate and how he is a handful. I'm just trying so hard I'm in a situation I don't want to be in ( living back with parents and financially not able to leave any time soon) I just said right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water with being ok, looking after my son and making sure he is as happy as can be after this big change. It just made me feel shit! On top of a failed relationship I have huge mum guilt and now this!

Agree with this. It's a big adjustment for you all.
Maybe, grandparents can help with meals a couple of times to see how your child eats.

I've had a mixture of fussy and non fussy kids so can see both sides. He doesn't always need a yoghurt though. Make portions smaller and this may help. Also try to avoid constant grazing so that he is hungry before a meal.

You can tell your parents that you are struggling with a adjustment so are feeling sensitive to their critiques at the moment. Maybe draw up some house rules together so you all know where you stand l.

You've told them you're just trying to keep your head above water and make sure he's ok right now so maybe they're actually right.

Ask them to support you with him. That doesn't mean take over but they could include him in their mealtimes etc.

I think they're trying to help in the only way they know how. Work with them and let them help.

Can't see any mention of chicken nuggets in the OP. Not sure your response is very helpful seeing as it's based on a load of made up details.

Also you are completely wrong about what constitutes a healthy diet for a 2 year old. Fruit and veg is fine in moderation but they need carbs, protein and fat primarily.

I saw this suggested response for these very situations and will definitely be using it myself.. just say 'thank you, you may be right about that, but I'm just figuring things out my own way'

A 2 year old has been through his parents separation, a hugely stressful and life changing event for both him and his mother. We don't really know from the OP whether he really is "ruling the roost" (whatever that means for a 2 year old) but it would be entirely normal for there to be some acting out of emotional distress. That may manifest as taking control in any way he can, including fussy eating. Reducing his portion size is not going to solve the problem here.

Your parents have shared their concerns about DS2. They are also concerned about you & the considerable challenges you are facing.

They have given you & DS2 a safe berth while you get yourself sorted out & back on an even keel. So try not to look a parental gift-horse in the mouth. Bear in mind that it is their home, their routines & ways of doing things.
Please take a moment to consider the options available to you, by comparison are they favourable?

Toddlers can be hard work by anyone’s candle. You have loyal loving parents - whatever ‘old school’ means - who are there with you. You may find their parenting style restrictive, but your DS may thrive on it, particularly after recent disruptions. Let (or tell if need be) them take up some of the everyday childcare responsibilities, get involved in looking after DS, undertake some toddler wrangling, take him out to the park for swings & duck feeding, do bathtime, read stories, even do the tidying up & laundry for him.

Take a big deep breath, hover nearby, & let your parents prepare & feed DS a few lunches. Let them show you what they mean, rather than speak to you about it. You may find out something, so might they about your DS & his true preferences. For example, DS is old enough to sit up at table with family for lunch at home, granted it may be a bit messy & conversation limited, but is how children learn to eat well & socialise. Have them do this, it can go either way, they all have fun &/or maybe your parents see things differently, more from your pov. Who knows, but give it a go?

Ask them to help you with his everyday stuff, so that they bond with their GS & more importantly you have a break to catch your breath.

Mumsnet is the worst place for this post OP. If you mention that your two year old is a handful here you'll get thousands of nonsense posts telling you your a bad parent and two year olds shouldn't ever have tantrums etc.

In actual fact it's normal and healthy for two year olds to have tantrums and to be a handful. They have poor emotional regulation so either they can express their frustration to their trusted parent so they can learn to regulate their emotions with help, or they can suppress their feelings and develop all kind of emotional issues long term because they're repressed and haven't learned to express or deal with feelings. Unless you're giving in to every tantrum you're doing nothing wrong.

It sounds like a difficult time OP. I'd try to just ignore what yourparents say. Nod politely say 'I'll keep it in mind' then completely ignore it. You've got enough going on without a barage of critisicisms. Hopefully you'll have your own place soon and can parent how you want without interference. In the mean time - just keep swimming just keep swimming!

I’m with @MsChatterbox @Talapia.

Do give a smaller portion if he regularly doesn't eat all his food. Firstly less waste and secondly your not encouraging him to eat more than he needs. Don't bribe/threat to eat. Explain to your parents you are raising your child to have a healthy relationship with food so you will not be using pudding to force child to eat more than he needs. Explain he's two, he's stilllearning boundaries and you will continue to work with him but it's an ongoing process. Do try to be more conscious it's your parents house, clean up after yourselves, get out loads and try to keep your parents on side. Not easy at all.

Two year olds do tend to rule the roost, that's their nature. You see it on here time and time again - grandparents who don't remember the reality of little kids, especially granddads who would have been out at work with their wife at home doing the day to day toddler battle stuff.

Keep going as you are. I agree that they're probably finding it a bit full on with you both moving in, hopefully things will settle.

Oh, and yoghurt is the dinner alternative here too the odd time they don't eat. I think that's normal in lots of houses, hopefully you've been here long enough to know how truly fucked up MN can be when it comes to food.

As the parent of a very very fussy eating child i can tell you thst food experts do not recommend linking pudding to eating other food. However this post is not about food its about the stress of losing your home going through break up and then having people judge and belittle your parenting of a tiny child

Toddlers do rule the roost...their needs which are exhausting do come before other peoples needs. Your parents op have forgotten what its like

OP I had a similar(ish) situation in that I stayed with my parents for a few months when my oldest was a similar age. My baby (her little brother) was extremely ill and we all just needed some extra support so my parents took us in.

My older daughter was a total bloody nightmare. I felt awful and like I wasn’t up to parenting. She was tantruming constantly, lots of “no”s, really just being horrendous hard work.

The reality is the whole experience was huge for her - she knew her baby brother was unwell but was too young to really understand that, she was in a new place and her routine was gone. I was struggling a lot and very stressed and worried. It was really hard.

She’s a bit older now and is lovely well behaved kid. It was just a difficult period for all of us and it sounds like it will for you too.

I’m sure my mum and dad found it challenging too, although they didn’t say anything. It’s a big adjustment for everyone.

Your child your way!

It's their home though. She doesn't have to raise her child now her oar3nts say, of course she doesn't, but neither the OP or her son can just behave however they want when they are living there.

I'd make sure that they have time in their house without you two there. Eat at different times sometimes,that sort of thing. They are probably just a bit worn out with it all. It's probably quite an adjustment for them. Not just the toddler but they will be worried about you and you will have brought lots of things with you Etc.

I remember staying with my own mum for three months when our house sale fell through and my dd were toddlers and she was absolutely sick of us by the end. I remember her expressing surprise that the dc had to have lunch when they had already had breakfast. That sort of thing.

Were you happy with your childhood op? Are you happy with how they raised you? Anything you didn’t like?
Consider this before taking parenting advice from them.

One of my children eats EVERYTHING. He will eat all his fruit and veg, all his main no matter what it is and all the yoghurts etc. he’s excellent.

raised exactly the same way, my second child, who is 2, eats about 10 different foods. I care a lot more about him
being fed at this age. They are babies really, with no logic and reasoning and you want them to sleep with a full tummy. Yogurt is totally fine. Some mental posters on here.

having said that you’re living at home so there’s a degree of smiling and nodding. A smaller portion won’t make a difference as he’s not eating it anyway - just do it so they think you’re listening and then explain the yoghurt as keeping his tummy full/him asleep longer. You could sit down and cry a bit and explain you could use support not criticism though.

They have undoubtedly forgotten what toddlers are like and have rose coloured spectacles on about your childhood. We used to call ours Diddy Dictator and Tiny Tyrant.

I agree about smaller portions though. Your DC won't be overfaced and can always have seconds. Little portions arranged prettily on the plate. (Same philosophy with elderly MIL now). Agree with yogurt for pudding if needed regardless of whether dinner was eaten.

It seems like a difficult situation all round OP.

The food and yoghurt things would depend entirely on situation.

For example these 3 situations are all different:

1. a child has to attempt some some dinner and when they're satisfied they can have a yoghurt/fruit/whatever else the parent has chosen as the pudding option

1. A child is told they cannot have their yoghurt unless they clear their plate and the adult imposes food times

1. A child has a tantrum at meal times until the parent gives in and gives them a yogurt saying 'but what can you do, they all do it'.

I'd say 2 and 3 are problematic.

Same on him being described as a handful. There's a middle ground between old school authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting.

How long are you needing to stay there?

As you've chosen to live with your parents, you trust them around your child. This is a big deal for you all. It will just take time to find a way of living. Things will settle down for you all. I hope you manage a nice Christmas Day

Hi OP what a stressful situation for both you and your parents,

just wanted to wish you and your parents and your DS a good Christmas.

im sure you’re a great mum and are dealing with a hard situation.

With the fussy eating a couple of tips which may or may not help:

• Try ( may be hard at your parents) and do messy play with your child there is a huge link between food and messy play and sometimes this can be a good way to help with fussy eating.
• could you put the meal out Nd help him serve himself the portion or reduce the portion so he can have more if he wants it? This may help give some autonomy.
• Try and not worry or not react if he doesn’t eat much just carry as normal.
• I wouldn’t offer an alternative to the meal (I would start that only when I was ready ) and with meals that I know he likes or eats but not making a big thing of it.
• Explain in a calmer moment to your parents that you are mummy and you understand it must be hard for them but you have to do things your way.

Anyway that’s just my 2 pence worth. As I said previously have a good Christmas OP be kind to yourself you’re doing ok .

It’s better that your parents have communicated with you, don’t take it as criticism of you.

My thoughts too. They waited for a quiet time and spoke to you calmly and rationally. This wasn’t a drip, drip, drip of constant criticism and throwaway comments, but a calm discussion. Are they generally supportive? If so, do they have a point? I only say this as a friend of mine got very upset about her parents commenting in a similar vein about her child’s behaviour - to my mind, they were spot on! Friends won’t tell you this sort of thing, though - it’s just not done. So I wouldn’t rule out there being some value in their views, even if it’s just another perspective from someone who cares about you both. I certainly wouldn’t see it as saying you’re a bad parent.

It’s not your parents place to be handing out unsolicited advice about mundane parenting. Obviously if you were being harmful or dangerous in some way they would need to say something.
You need to move out asap because you’re going to feel awful eveytime your DS is a ‘handful’ or is fussy.

And maybe you can be less judgemental and condescending?

OP, I think what's needed here is good communication between you and your parents. You and your son are going through a dramatic change. You can vocalise how you're feeling, he can't so is it possible to sit down and explain this to your parents and agree on how you can all support each other through this next phase of all your lives?

The what they eat thing is just rubbish, I was a fussy eater as a kid and will eat anything now.

I've got one fussy eater and one that isn't, I just keep trying to give them a variety of foods to taste and explore in the hope that some of it sticks.

Good luck to you during this challenging time

Not necessarily. I had to move in with my mum after breaking up with my children’s father and it was awful. She doesn’t mean it deliberately but my mum is horrible to live with.

Lovely, I’m sure you just have very different parenting styles. Lots has changed since your parents parented. You do what you thinks right but have a little think and see if you think they might have a point… or if they don’t.

just take care of yourself. Sorry about the break up 💐

You give them no choice. And no alternatives.