Being told my toddler "rules the roost"

[hasitreallybeenthatlong]

Recently separated from Ex and living back with parents who are very old school and my DS2. It's incredible awful time of year to be doing this and I'm dealing with a break up but last night after DS went to bed my parents decided to talk to me about parenting and how my son rules the roost, how I need to be more in control and not give in, examples used are when I feed him I'm giving him too big a portion ( fussy eater but aren't they all at 2) and I need to stick it out so if he doesn't eat dinner he doesn't get a yoghurt and how I need to be the leader and not let DS dominate and how he is a handful. I'm just trying so hard I'm in a situation I don't want to be in ( living back with parents and financially not able to leave any time soon) I just said right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water with being ok, looking after my son and making sure he is as happy as can be after this big change. It just made me feel shit! On top of a failed relationship I have huge mum guilt and now this!

Gah the judgement is just what you don’t need. Sorry OP, really tough. Totally respect that they will be finding this tough too. My DF couldn’t cope when I moved in with 1 year old either. Lots of judgement, opinion and ‘advice’ bring laundered around. One option is to do some reading (Janet Lansbury etc) around fussing eating so you can inform your position with some evidence. Oh, and counter any of the ‘it didn’t do you any harm’ bullshit with ‘that doesn’t mean it was right / the best way’. Try not to be hard on yourself lovely. In a situation like this, you need to be the person leading on being kind and generous to yourself. You’re doing your best and you know best which battles to pick with DS x

Well she said “if they’re hungry they’ll eat the healthy food” so I’m presuming @Christmaslover2022 is advocating starving children to the point they will see any food as sustenance and eat.

Of course the child has a say in how much he is going to eat, ff sake! They are not the ones to dictate the amount of food he has.

If you weren’t living with them this wouldn’t be an issue in the slightest, you could just totally ignore them. They have done their parenting, it’s your turn now.

This isn’t about yogurt, it’s about them thinking it’s okay to tell you how to parent, it isn’t.

My DM has always said I am “too soft” with my DC. Then again, they thought that smacking was acceptable, which says it all really.

The problem you have right now is that you are exhausted, heartbroken, and worried about the future for you and your DS. Breaking up with the father of your children is HARD

Have you applied for housing elsewhere? This may be a small issue that can be overcome with open communication and mutual respect but if it’s bigger than that and they’re finding the adjustment too much I think you need to plan properly for the alternative. Are you claiming benefits? Is your ex paying maintenance? You might qualify for free childcare hours which mean you can look for work.

You’ve been through a lot of upheaval so calmly making a plan of what you need to do to become self sufficient in a reasonable time frame will help everyone get some perspective. Not everyone has parents who’ll take them and their child in in the event of a relationship ending. You’re lucky that you do but it can’t go on forever.

In comparison to their generation of parenting, this generation is very very different. Now the child does come first, to their mind it will be ruling the roost, whereas in previous generations there was a children should be seen and not heard attitude. You have moved in with them - you can't expect them not to have a say. Their lives will have drastically changed with a toddler around. The best thing is to focus on moving out and finding your own place then you can parent your way.

Say "Thanks for the advice"

Grit your teeth, smile, and let it wash over you.

Focus on getting back on your feet, and moving out as an urgent priority.

I've been there, it wasn't easy, but I'm out the other side now and all is well.

Posted too soon..

Is your DM the kind of person you can have an honest conversation with? If so, Say what you have said here, and explain that you feel your parenting is being judged and criticised. I have a feeling that might not be a conversation that you can have openly without drama, from what you have said here they sound really old fashioned, but if not it might help.

The advice given about here about getting benefits and getting out quickly- it’s well meaning advice but may be completely impractical and unrealistic right now (in the area of the country I am in, there is nowhere to rent and people in your situation who can’t find anywhere are sent to live in travel lodges for many months as ‘emergency accomadation’)

You have a roof over your head right now, that is the best situation you can hope for right at this moment, make a plan for the future but don’t panic, you can make this work even though it is hard.

Is your parents house quite big? Does your toddler have nursery hours? If so he will be back into his routine soon and you will have a breather too (and your parents will have a break from being with a toddler, as they are not used to it)

You can do this. Whatever you do, don’t go back to your ex just because this feels too hard… keep moving forward.

It might be a case of putting one foot in front of the other for a while, on a second to second basis - just keeping reminding yourself “one foot in front of the other, you can do this” as often as needed. Keep going and eventually you will come out of the other side - it’s like going through a thick fog and not knowing where it will end, but just keep trusting that it will and there will be a point where suddenly it will clear, you will have a new life and the worst will be over 💐

OP it must be really tough. I think the only thing you can do is smile, nod and quietly do what you think is best. No need for guilt, I am sure you are doing fine. You get through the toddler years with easy expectations, giving up on perfect and settling for good enough, and have fun wherever you can. Happy secure children are easier so focus on games, cuddles and small choices (toddlers love to choose and giving them small choices helps).
Your parents probably mean well and are a bit overwhelmed with the changes too so cut them some slack. In fact treat them the same as the toddler and give them small choices and controls too, for example giving the DC a smaller portion. That way they feel more listened to and it's an easy win-win.
It does make me laugh when people say they are a different generation though..I have friends in their late 40s with toddler grandchildren so they might not be all that out of touch!

One thing to always bear in mind is that your parents brought you up well enough, and not that long ago.

That isn’t always true @FlatWhiteExtraHot

My parents did a terrible job emotionally. I do have a relationship with them (I accept that they did their best, probably based on the parenting they had) but they didn’t do a good job, I’ve had years of therapy to recover and I would never want to replace any of their parenting style.

*replicate

And not just emotionally actually @FlatWhiteExtraHot , they didn’t do a great job in practical terms on a day to day basis either, but would never admit that now.

Sometimes parents don’t want to hear the truth, which is that the way they’re raising their child could do with a bit of tweaking. It can really help to pay attention to people who’ve done it before and aren’t as emotionally invested. I take what my parents and sister say to me on board, they’ve got more experience.

Yes, try to ignore it. I’m a DGM - when I look back t my adult DCs childhood they were ‘naughty’ but not really they were usually tired for some reason and other playmates would only eat jam on toast, another refused milk, another hardly ate etc -and you know what they all turned out fine ,’normal’ and have lovely DCs of their own.

Say thanks for the advice. Then ignore it. I don’t think you have a choice until you can move out.

people LOVE giving their advice on parenting. Even if you didn’t ask for it, you don’t need it or you don’t want it. Recently this woman at work started going on at me about how much she disapproves of how her son in law deals with his own toddler’s tantrums. She wouldn’t shut up. She was just loving it. I think she didn’t stop talking until I physically left the room. I felt sorry for the poor guy. I don’t know why people can’t just accept that others do it differently.

Poor you OP. You could have done without this. Even if it was well meaning, surely most people would know that just after a relationship split when you have to face Christmas and finding somewhere to live etc on your own isnt the best timing.

Does it actually affect them? Are they paying for food? If you are going to take any of what they say on board then just stick to things that affect them (eg screaming early in the morning). If you are paying for, buying and cooking and clearing the food then it's none of their business even if its in the same house

Oh and I had a fussy eater. Health visitor and everything else i read said not to make pudding or treat food conditional on eating healthy food first as it creates the idea of good and bad food and good food is to be endured before you are allowed the bad etc

On reflection, & I have a case of the mea culpas here, I made an assumption that OP’s parents were available to undertake a more hands-on, helping & bonding role with DD.

When of course, they could be out working full-time with everyday commuting & other commitments leaving little extra flex or free time. After all, they may be barely in their 50s, possibly heading towards late 50s/early 60s. Given how much later mums have babies these days, if in their early 50s, they may have friends their own age with children <10yo or early teens.

So have parenting styles changed so much that there is a substantial difference that has taken place within 20years? I have read several posts suggesting that attitudes towards feeding are not as before. Maybe that parents a generation hence may not grasp what is required of current feeding guidelines? Is this so?