Being told my toddler "rules the roost"

[hasitreallybeenthatlong]

Recently separated from Ex and living back with parents who are very old school and my DS2. It's incredible awful time of year to be doing this and I'm dealing with a break up but last night after DS went to bed my parents decided to talk to me about parenting and how my son rules the roost, how I need to be more in control and not give in, examples used are when I feed him I'm giving him too big a portion ( fussy eater but aren't they all at 2) and I need to stick it out so if he doesn't eat dinner he doesn't get a yoghurt and how I need to be the leader and not let DS dominate and how he is a handful. I'm just trying so hard I'm in a situation I don't want to be in ( living back with parents and financially not able to leave any time soon) I just said right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water with being ok, looking after my son and making sure he is as happy as can be after this big change. It just made me feel shit! On top of a failed relationship I have huge mum guilt and now this!

@Holly60 Well said!

Poor boy is only 2 and going through a big upheaval himself. Plus, there's no such thing as bad behaviour at 2. They can't reason, they are slaves to their sugar levels and are busy learning about the world. You might have to grin and bear the comments I'm afraid, as you're in their house, but maybe show them a few articles/videos on child development and behaviour. Also be totally honest with them, tell them how much you are struggling and need/are thankful for their support. Honesty is always the best way.

There's a special place in hell for people like you, who kick others while they're down.

Don't worry. Karma will get you.

Kids don’t “play up” - he is 2. He is developing. Tantrums, pushing boundaries, being inquisitive are all completely natural for his age. Rather than going for the jugular and instantly punishing, we should really look at the “why”.

OP - I know it’s hard but please don’t fall into this old-school parenting style trap. Children don’t need to be punished or shamed for feeling and acting totally normal for their age. It’s bizarre that people are still pushing this narrative that children need to be controlled. They just need to be guided. He’s going through a big life transition (as are you) so expect some confusion and dysregulated behaviour. It’s not up to you or your parents to punish him for this, it’s not his fault, just simply look at “why” he is being like this and help him work through those feelings. Of course discipline should play a part, but in a “teaching, guidance and support” way.

People wonder why there’s a mental health crisis. It’s because we weren’t emotionally supported adequately growing up. Instead we were shamed for showing (entirely) normal feelings and basically told/shown from an early age “I don’t support you for feeling anything other than happiness or compliance” and so we learned to internalise. Your parents are proof that for generations kids have been there to control rather than guide and support.

Grandparents just do this. They genuinely can't remember what it was like with their own children. I know that's true because I have a 15 year gap between my second and third children and even I can't remember the detail of my older kids' meltdowns/fussiness etc.

My mum is always saying things like "you were much stricter with the other 2 than you are with DD, she gets away with anything." Er, no I wasn't and no she doesn't!

In my parents' mind they merely had to give me and DB "the look" and we'd fall into line. Pretty sure it wasn't like that. I just let the comments wash over me now. It's like that Baz Luhrmann song: "Accept certain inalienable truths
Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too, will get old
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young
Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble
And children respected their elders"

Good or bad toddler behaviour can be very subjective.

I think it's great that your parents have sat down and had an open chat with you. It will help stop any resentment building and give you all a chance to hear each other.

Please try not to see it as criticism. If you are able to keep these open conversations with your parents, regardless of whether your opinions differ, then it will make for a much smoother living situation for you all. You get to choose what you might want to compromise on and they get an honest answer of why you do some things differently. There's no right or wrong.

They probably haven't picked the best time to raise it but they likely mean well, its much easier to instil a few boundaries at this age than it is to correct their behaviour later on.

Its really tricky given the circumstances, but is it possible you are pandering to him a little trying to compensate for the upset of the separation/circumstances? It can feel like the kind option but probably isn't, kids need boundaries/consistency.

2 of my kids have 'returned' one with partner and baby for 2 years.
Lots of give and take, hard for them and for me as I was a single parent and did feel a bit taken over. However it was magic having a baby in the house. I never once felt I needed to challenge feeding etc. I was a nursery nurse but a laid back ( occasionally hopeless) parent myself. We all get there, and parenting changes. 9 years on, my granddaughter now has a brother who is more challenging and I'm glad they are well settled in their own home.

I was literally thinking exactly the same!

Suggest they take DS for a day or two and model the parenting they want you to do. No doubt they will return him a delightful, compliant and well behaved toddler 😉

Do you think they're right? That's the most important thing here. If you do, then take heed, if not them ask them politely to leave you to manage your child.
All 2yo are hard fulls, I would ignore that comment. There is a school of thought that allowing kids to do what they like gives them independence early and they make better choices because of it.

You say you won’t be moving out any time soon due to financial reasons, this is a huge upheaval for your parents as well as you. The PPs saying they should mind their own business, your child, your way, ignore their comments, are being ridiculous.
It’s their house and their lives so they have every right to say something. It sounds like they said it calmly so you need to carry on the discussion in the same vein.

We have a 3 year old and two coming up to two. Surviving the day is impressive, the rate they can pincer food off a tray and onto the floor is painful, the bossiness is extreme. It has to be! This is how they learn their boundaries right?

It's not helpful to sit you down for a come to Jesus OP, and if you'd burst into tears and said 'I'm doing my best' I bet your parents would have been horrified. Just keep on keeping on, get out as quickly as you can, don't get comfortable and build up resentment for the future. You need to reset into your own life when you can.

I agree with @Dolphinnoises

"I think parents who were very strict find it extremely challenging to witness it being done another way by their own children." I think this may be the root of the problem.

Hang in there OP. Sounds like you're doing fine.

My parents have completely unrealistic behaviour ideals for children. They constantly say how well behaved my youngest is, he's not well behaved...he's severely speech delayed and therefore quiet. They constantly say how terrible a friends kids are when they are at church...which 2 yo would cope sitting silently for 3 hours at church??!

No one here can say whether your child’s behaviour is in fact difficult.

It is however highly probable that your parents are:

a) finding the new living arrangements difficult
b) can’t remember what living with a two year old is like, and
c)are old school parents.

Whilst you are living with them, for the sake of domestic harmony can you listen to (but not necessarily act upon) their concerns?

Longer term it would be best to move out when you can afford it. Can you put your name on a housing list, seek financial support from your ex, apply for any relevant benefit?

That's what I thought!

Your parents have likely forgotten what two year olds are like.

But please don’t think that letting him break boundaries will in some way compensate for the situation with his dad. The kindest thing to do now for him is to keep boundaries and routine. Even if he pushes back, it’s kindest in the long run to firmly but kindly maintain boundaries.

good luck.

Who said anything about nuggets or other junk food? If you put a plate of fruit and veg in front on a 2 year old, they may or may not touch a thing!

A toddler that’s out of hand 😂😂😂😂 honestly op some of the comments here I assume are coming from folks that think it’s ok to smack children and not let them leave a table till all the food is gone regardless of portion size or appetite. The vast vast majority of two years olds go through fussy stages mine included. Nothing wrong with some yoghurt better to let them eat something than the alternative which I’m amazed is being implied, send them to bed with nothing! I did a very brief stint with my parents and my baby while we were moving, and it was brief for the very reasons you describe. People often either forget what it’s like with young kids, or are from a generation that had very different standards of what was acceptable to do in raising a child! Please don’t feel bad, you are doing your best in an awful situation and things will get better, significantly so when you get back on your feet and get your own space back!

Ignore them. Most people hear this from senior family members at some stage. They've forgotten how difficult it is. Maybe go out and leave them to see how super nanny they can for a long day and you might have less advice after that.

I think MN still is supportive in the main but there a lot of opinions on childrearing...always have been.

Ignore them especially about not giving a yogurt!
Food is one of the few things toddlers can control, the harder you push the more toddlers fight back. There is also a lot of interesting psychology around young children and eating. The more you make it a big deal or say you won't get pudding the worse they get. It is completely normal for toddlers to have a beige stage it's a protection mode as evolutionary bright coloured things could kill and toddlers would be eating stuff. It does pass. I would look at portion size though they need a lot less then you realise. I find SR nutrition on Instagram a useful source.

Don't have mum guilt your doing amazing and you have a toddler being a toddler! Yes to boundaries but it's long passed the days of children seen but not heard!

@Christmaslover2022 that is absolute crap. Children will not eat if they are hungry, that's untrue. If they genuinely dislike the food or have a good aversion they won't. If they have conditions like ASD or ADHD they won't.
Some children will only eat chicken nuggets and chips because it's the only thing they will eat.
I so dislike parents with an outlook like yours. It's wrong on so many levels.

You need to get a place of your own if you don’t want to hear your mum and dad’s opinions. No one can say who is right here, because we only have your side to go on, I’m sure your parents would tell a different tale.

It is hard for everyone in this situation and the only solution here is to either put up with it as you are living in their house which is hard for everyone, alternatively get a place of your own. If you can’t afford it you need to see if there are social housing options - what’s the situation with your ex, where is he living?