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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS14 says he can't wait to live abroad

143 replies

Blackberrysparkle · 23/12/2022 22:51

AIBU? Yes I probably am.

My DS14 said today that he wanted to move away from the UK asap - ie as soon as he has finished university.

His reasons? The general state of the country, weather, tax, finances, politics. I told him that I would support any decision he made but inwardly I felt so sad that he was thinking of moving away - selfishly I would miss him so much! He is a very focussed type of person and is very certain that he wants to do this.

If he really wants to, I would obviously support him.

But i just wanted to find out - did anyone else have a teenager who thought this as a teenager but then as time went on decided to stay in the UK?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackberrysparkle · 24/12/2022 00:01

@pinkhousesarebest that's just it. I think I have always been overly attached to family and family ties which is why I am struggling to understand his viewpoint of just leaving the UK. But being so attached to family doesn't necessary lead to a happy life, and I do want him to pursue the life that is right for him.

Thank you again to you all for your messages.

OP posts:
toffeeapple77 · 24/12/2022 00:03

Blackberrysparkle · 23/12/2022 23:17

@Saltywalruss various counties in Europe (mainly weather/ politics advantages) or Dubai (weather/tax advantages)

Big pinch of salt needed- politically motivated but happy to move to Dubai! That's not a dig at your 14YO- it's normal for them to say such things - but you needn't take everything so seriously

Kanaloa · 24/12/2022 00:04

Don’t all teens think this? It’s that ‘can’t wait to get out of this dead end town’ thing. They are getting to that age of wanting to move forward and starting to see the future but it’s very big for them to comprehend so they put a ‘label’ on it to make it clearer/safer. So rather than ‘I am going to become an adult soon with full control of my own life and that is both frightening and exciting’ it becomes ‘I can’t wait to leave this dumb place.’

That’s not to say he won’t ever move abroad. He might well do so. But I wouldn’t put the kettle on for a young teen who says the politics of the UK are rubbish so he might move to Dubai.

endlesswinter · 24/12/2022 00:04

I've raised dc abroad.
Dd plans to study in UK.
I think wanting to leave your parents is a healthy development stage.
You can always travel to see them where they settle.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 24/12/2022 00:07

My youngest wants to buy a house in the same street as us (there’s only 18 houses to choose from but ideally she wants next door with a tunnel and door (presumably so she can continue to spread her crap around our home).

i always liked the idea of moving abroad But my homely brother fell in love with a lovely lady from North America. Seeing my mum’s sadness I knew I couldn’t go and take her grand children away from her. Db was such a mummy’s boy it was a bit of a shock he left.

SarahDippity · 24/12/2022 00:09

I live in an EU country as does my whole extended family (Irish). My Irish nephew is looking at Masters courses in other EU countries (he’s 20.) Many courses he has looked at are free for EU citizens under ERASMUS/+ and would cost £18k for a UK citizen. This is a huge advantage for my DN, as he can skill to the next level affordably. It will narrow opportunities for UK students, and ultimately depress the skills range for UK grads who won’t have the breadth of choice and affordability that EU students will have. I feel sorry for Brexit-era kids that won’t have the same opportunities.

CaraVann · 24/12/2022 00:10

My 14 year old dd has been saying for the last year that as soon as she is able, she is off to Hollywood to become a famous actor. I’ve told her to remember her poor ole mum, stuck in this shit hole of a country!

MissVantaBlack · 24/12/2022 00:15

I always dreamt of living abroad as a teen. I imagined fantasy lives for myself in all sorts of places, many of which I'd never even visited. Despite this, I now live quite happily in the UK.

Also, depending on where he wants to go, a lot of countries are quite strict about who they grant residence permits to now.

Puppyseahorse · 24/12/2022 00:20

I lived abroad for about ten years. I’m close to my parents but it was the best time of my life. Please don’t make him feel guilty about this- my Mum did that to me and it still bothers me.

Dotcheck · 24/12/2022 00:23

I always felt I would move away from my home country- even as a teenager, and I have. I’ve been away for half my life now.

It is hard, but you really have to let him live his life

QS90 · 24/12/2022 00:26

It's most likely just him being angsty - when I was 16, I was adamant I was going to live in a squat after my GCSEs. I didn't, and am now a quantity surveyor so really quite boring 😂. Things change very quickly in the lives of teenagers anyway (imagine if he gets a girl/ boyfriend / job that he likes here ...).

I appreciate you not wanting him to move country though - I'd be devastated if mine did, although of course wouldn't actively try and stop them. Even though it's so unlikely he'll go, I'd not make a big deal about it / react strongly, on the off-chance he's the sort to dig his heels in and it encourages him to leave.

ironingboredrefusal · 24/12/2022 00:28

Blackberrysparkle · 23/12/2022 22:51

AIBU? Yes I probably am.

My DS14 said today that he wanted to move away from the UK asap - ie as soon as he has finished university.

His reasons? The general state of the country, weather, tax, finances, politics. I told him that I would support any decision he made but inwardly I felt so sad that he was thinking of moving away - selfishly I would miss him so much! He is a very focussed type of person and is very certain that he wants to do this.

If he really wants to, I would obviously support him.

But i just wanted to find out - did anyone else have a teenager who thought this as a teenager but then as time went on decided to stay in the UK?

With those kind of specific and accurate views I'd suggest he waits until he's 18 and able to vote for the opposite of the Government that's in power now and then he goes and lives abroad.

Waitingfordecember · 24/12/2022 00:33

When I was a teenager I couldn’t imagine anything worse than living in the area I grew up in. Moved away for uni and then lived in another couple of cities for a while after graduating…

Then I settled and bought a house down the road from the house I grew up in. Teenage me would be so angry but I love living near family and friends I’ve known my entire life.

DH, on the other hand, planned to stay in his home city but ended up in another part of the country. You really can’t rely on life plans made by teens, so much can change.

theleafandnotthetree · 24/12/2022 00:38

I'm from the West of Ireland where emigration has always been so common as to have almost the norm at certain periods of history - the 1950s, 1980s and post 2008 crash most recently. I really don't see it as a big deal at all, especially now that people can communicate and travel so easily, relatively speaking. Even when I lived in New York as recently as the mid 1990s, I met Irish people who hadn't been home in decades and my communication with my parents were very occasional letters and phone calls. As for my own children, the chances of them living any closer than 2 or 3 hours away are slim and I would be very surprised if at least one of them doesn't end up living abroad. As we say 'seo mar a ta', that's how it is. They'll get on with their lives, I'll get on with mine and we'll wehopefully be close still and enjoy each other when we are together. There'll be no pressure from me either way.

QS90 · 24/12/2022 00:59

Goodness @NeverDropYourMooncup ! Hopefully if he does decide not to move abroad, he'll still manage a less dystopian life than this!!

sst1234 · 24/12/2022 01:05

No one who is economically productive and of sound mind should want to stay here.

Sodullincomparison · 24/12/2022 01:08

I had a real pull to live abroad from the age of 12. Went on one foreign holiday so I knew nothing else but I wanted to live in a different culture.

I did a languages degree and have since lived in over ten countries.

nobody is more surprised that age 38 I returned to my region and have settled down.

we will live abroad again though once I can persuade DH too.

sst1234 · 24/12/2022 01:08

ironingboredrefusal · 24/12/2022 00:28

With those kind of specific and accurate views I'd suggest he waits until he's 18 and able to vote for the opposite of the Government that's in power now and then he goes and lives abroad.

Show quote history

Huh? Where is the opposite of the government we have now? Is there going to be a new part setup?

Currently we are on course at the next GE to replace a bunch of fiscally irresponsible corrupt socialists with a bunch of fiscally irresponsible incompetent socialists.

Deadringer · 24/12/2022 01:08

Not in the UK but our eldest was like this, couldn't wait to move out. Once she finished uni she emigrated to the other side of the world, and lived there for 6 years. Now she is back home, older and wiser, with no intention of moving abroad again.

KloppsTeeth · 24/12/2022 01:11

Both my dual National sons are planning to move. They have never lived in the other country, yet think it is better, so we have started encouraging them to watch and read the news there as things are not always greener. However, we have the luxury of moving there too if they decide to go

Anewhoo · 24/12/2022 01:11

I was the same, I moved away and loved it. I didn’t actually move to another country long term, but may have well have done as only see my parents 2-3 times a year due to distance and timings (would actually be quicker for me to visit another country!). We’ve had children now, but talk and see virtually often and probably speak more than if we lived closer. We even go on holiday together. It really doesn’t matter about the distance if you all love each other and want to meet up.

meemawsmoonpie · 24/12/2022 01:17

My 14yo DD says this all the time. This is the same child that needs her mama to pull stuff out of the oven for her. I'm not worried 😂

MintJulia · 24/12/2022 01:18

They go, but they usually come back eventually. I have a niece who spent 17 years in France but came home to have a family.

Think of it as having somewhere interesting to go for holidays rather than something sad.

ErinAndTonic · 24/12/2022 01:26

I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself! Some of the shite I said/believed at 14.. 🤣🤣

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 24/12/2022 01:32

Blackberrysparkle · 23/12/2022 22:51

AIBU? Yes I probably am.

My DS14 said today that he wanted to move away from the UK asap - ie as soon as he has finished university.

His reasons? The general state of the country, weather, tax, finances, politics. I told him that I would support any decision he made but inwardly I felt so sad that he was thinking of moving away - selfishly I would miss him so much! He is a very focussed type of person and is very certain that he wants to do this.

If he really wants to, I would obviously support him.

But i just wanted to find out - did anyone else have a teenager who thought this as a teenager but then as time went on decided to stay in the UK?

Same as my dd 16 wants to leave in Canada or Australia. She started taking about it since she was 13 and now she even wants to go to university abroad