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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another week of this?

120 replies

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 17:38

DM has come to visit for Christmas and we're 2 days into a 10-day visit.

She's quite high maintenance and always has been. She talks about herself non stop and we need to be suitably interested/impressed with her story (that we've heard 100 times before). I'm not allowed to talk about anything that doesn't fit with her image of me as the perfect daughter. She needs constant praise and recognition of how great she is. She is often unaware of how others might perceive what she is saying - so talking today over lunch about how my father didn't want to have custody of me after they divorced, and I was lucky she didn't get me adopted. She didn't seem to recognise that this might upset me. Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.

More worryingly than all that, my DD7 is quite uncomfortable around her. Grandma often says quite critical things to DD7 and I do call her out on it when it happens, but DD asked me today when grandma was leaving.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do for the next week? I didn't mind so much when DD was too young to understand, but now DM's behaviour is taking its toll on the whole family. And just to complicate matters, now I'm of the age where DPs are often in ill health or dying, I feel so incredibly guilty about feeling negative and not cherishing every precious moment.

OP posts:
Testina · 23/12/2022 17:41

“More worryingly than all that, my DD7 is quite uncomfortable around her. Grandma often says quite critical things to DD7 and I do call her out on it when it happens”

You’re not going to want to hear it, but you’re failing your daughter.

Tell your mother to leave.

If you haven’t got the strength in you to do that, “call her out” 🙄 a bit more decisively and tell your daughter that she won’t be staying again.

Crackof · 23/12/2022 17:41

Are there precious moments?

Testina · 23/12/2022 17:42

“cherishing every precious moment”

Cherishing every pre you’d moment of her criticising your child, you mean?

Oomph · 23/12/2022 17:42

There doesn’t seem to be much to cherish, OP. Perhaps next year you could visit her instead and keep it short?

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2022 17:44

Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.

Honestly - you’ve been giving those comments about putting you up for adoption Praise? Why do you placate her? Those are vile things to say. Your daughter should be protected.

I’d tell her to behave like a normal person or go home, but I appreciate I may be an outlier given I don’t think the umbrella of being ‘family’ means you have to put up with people being pricks.

poefaced · 23/12/2022 17:45

Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.

There’s nothin to be thankful for about that.

Why do you let this narcissist in your home and why are you letting her repeat her abuse on your daughter?

Ma this visit her last and stop pandering to her.

My mum is lovely but I still call her out when she’s being unreasonable.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2022 17:45

Oh good, not in the minority!

RunnerDuck2020 · 23/12/2022 17:45

Why did you invite her for 10 days?

Thedaysthatremain · 23/12/2022 17:46

You are enabling her and not protecting your own child.

Hesma · 23/12/2022 17:46

why on earth did you invite her for so long. Tell her how you’re feeling and if she doesn’t buck her ideas up then send her home

FictionalCharacter · 23/12/2022 17:47

In future you need to prioritise your daughter’s comfort and stop indulging your mother. If you don’t keep her at a distance she’ll start really upsetting your DD. What kind of grandmother says nasty things to her grandchild and is so unpleasant the grandchild wants her to go home? She’s absolutely horrible and it’s madness to host her for 10 days.
I’m afraid the “precious moments” are probably in your imagination.

AnyFucker · 23/12/2022 17:47

You are showing your daughter a terrible example.

Stop placating your mother, she is toxic. Do you want your daughter to grow up copying your actions ?

And these “precious moments” ? Can you recall any ?

Testina · 23/12/2022 17:47

“Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.”

Have a go at a new response.

“Fuck off” is a good one, and easy to memorise.

Or, “will you stop being so ridiculous? It’s not remotely normal or justifiable to put your child up for adoption after divorce. I’m bored with you saying it.”

Quincythequince · 23/12/2022 17:48

Protect your children OP.
In no uncertain terms tell your DM if she is critical or unkind to anyone, at all, either alone and your hear about
it, or in front of others, that she will be leaving.

Ban · 23/12/2022 17:48

She is a vile mother and grandmother. You must protect your daughter.

What kind of a parent says such awful things, OP I don't think you relate how awful she is.

You owe her nothing!

Protect your daughter.

Quincythequince · 23/12/2022 17:49

Testina · 23/12/2022 17:47

“Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.”

Have a go at a new response.

“Fuck off” is a good one, and easy to memorise.

Or, “will you stop being so ridiculous? It’s not remotely normal or justifiable to put your child up for adoption after divorce. I’m bored with you saying it.”

Yep! This.

Clearly praising her isn’t the best solution sat all.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/12/2022 17:49

Precious moments! Don’t make us laugh, op - nothing you have described comes remotely near that category. Why are you putting up with this unpleasant woman (at all, never mind for 10 days). And more to the point why are you inflicting her on your child? Because you hope she will be different? It will all be lovely? She won’t, and it won’t. I suggest you pull on your big girl pants and cut this delightful visit short. Why should Christmas be shit when it just needn’t be! If you can’t do that, at least resolve never to do it again, and make things up to your child when the old bat has gone home.

Coffeellama · 23/12/2022 17:49

‘Need to’ do this, ‘not allowed’ to do that… you are half the problem for your daughter here OP. Stop pandering, you don’t need to let her be in charge in your home, you aren’t a kid anymore. React suitably to her and she won’t want to stay for as long. You need to protect your DD from this and not let her see you being walked all over. You have my sympathy as she sounds like a nightmare… but you’ve also invited or allowed her to come for 10 days and plan on appeasing her poor behaviour the whole time.

Montague22 · 23/12/2022 17:50

Have a listen to the In Sight (Katie and Helen one) podcast with headphones on tonight.
Look up ‘grey rock’ and keep all chat light.
Plan something nice for when she goes home.

Oomph · 23/12/2022 17:50

She has groomed you to go along with seriously bonkers behaviour, OP. Many couples divorce, but this very rarely results in adoption! I think you need to see through the fog and call her out on this. Both for yourself and for your daughter

SnowAndIceLobelia · 23/12/2022 17:51

Prioritise your daughter over a selfish nasty person you happen to be related to you and who brings you nothing of value to your life.

Tell ehr she is on her last chance or she leaves.

Stick to that.

get decent counselling.

Live happier. (The above will help)

jellybeanteaparty · 23/12/2022 17:52

I think you need to half her trip and have a change of plans so she goes home on boxing day.

Iwanttoslowdown · 23/12/2022 17:52

Your praise is enabling your mother to criticise your child. Sorry OP what ur doing is not working. Protect ur child and give ur child precious memories rather than searching out for memories with your mum that quite frankly, don’t seem like they will ever appear. Be firm.

DurhamDurham · 23/12/2022 17:54

I just don't understand why you'd have her in your home for ten days knowing that this is how she behaves, how she has always behaved?

You can either martyr yourself and continue to put up with her, or you can send her packing. I know which one I would choose to protect my daughters.

Delatron · 23/12/2022 17:58

Why did you agree to 10 days - that’s far too long.

I have a 3 days limit with my own parents and they’re lovely. But I still can’t do more than 3 days.

Plus pull her up on any comments. As others said your daughter comes first.