Another week of this?

[Miserableoldcowww]

DM has come to visit for Christmas and we're 2 days into a 10-day visit.

She's quite high maintenance and always has been. She talks about herself non stop and we need to be suitably interested/impressed with her story (that we've heard 100 times before). I'm not allowed to talk about anything that doesn't fit with her image of me as the perfect daughter. She needs constant praise and recognition of how great she is. She is often unaware of how others might perceive what she is saying - so talking today over lunch about how my father didn't want to have custody of me after they divorced, and I was lucky she didn't get me adopted. She didn't seem to recognise that this might upset me. Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.

More worryingly than all that, my DD7 is quite uncomfortable around her. Grandma often says quite critical things to DD7 and I do call her out on it when it happens, but DD asked me today when grandma was leaving.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do for the next week? I didn't mind so much when DD was too young to understand, but now DM's behaviour is taking its toll on the whole family. And just to complicate matters, now I'm of the age where DPs are often in ill health or dying, I feel so incredibly guilty about feeling negative and not cherishing every precious moment.

What would happen if you didn't please her though? She'd get angry? She'd leave?

Doesn't sound like bad things to me. Stop being stood on. You're an adult with a child. She's got you FOG'd. Aggravate her, stand up to her, fight her.

I would. If she never speaks to you again? Who gives a fuck.

You wouldn't be able to live with yourself? Why? She's an adult. Just because she's old doesn't mean she's a child. Get ANGRY

I have to use this one re my mother. She's awful sometimes but obviously everything is my fault 🙄

Oh and she cries at you and looks sad? Yeah babe she's manipulating you. Would you ever do that to someone? If you did that to her would she give a fuck? No she wouldn't.

Protect your child not your nasty bitch of a mother who is twisting you in knots with her nastiness.

Tell her when she's been rude or inconsiderate. Tell her exactly how. Tell her it's making people uncomfortable. And that if she can't stop being so rude she won't be able to come next year.
If she cones up with that crap about adoption again, ask her how exactly her considering giving you up, and pointing out rhay your dad didn't want custody, is supposed to make you feel. Why are you 'lucky' your mother, arguably the person supposed to support you most, didnt want to give you away?. Call her bluff every time. If she says something which implies something unpleasant, ask her why she would say something so hurtful. And don't praise her. If she gets to a point in conversation where shes expecting it, just nod and smile. Or say, ah ,i see. Go noncommittal. You praising her is enabling her, showing her she is acting correctly in being horrible and overly needy. Stop letting this person mentally abuse your child. She deserves better, especially in her own home, her sanctuary.

Unlike most on this thread (many of whom seem to have no experience of narcissistic parents) I would not challenge her at every turn, confront her about the past, throw her out, send her to a hotel etc or in fact feed the drama she craves in any way at all. I'd stick close to her, shield my dd, maybe arrange some days out - some for her others without her and get through the rest of the visit w gritted teeth. Do you have really partner or friend who can spend some time w you and run interference. Then, wave her off and come up with a plan not to end up this position again.

I tried to stand up to her about the meal (see previous message) which is something I would never normally do. I told her that if she wanted it to be served faster she could help me, and also when I remembered that I'd forgotten to prep one part and she said she'd realised but didn't want to tell me in case she 'got in trouble', I said it would have been helpful to tell me so I wasn't rushing at the last moment.

I felt bad about it but then I put the food on the table, she took a bite and declared it 'chewy '. Not a chewy food. Honestly, it felt like a challenge, like she wanted to say something bitchy that I couldn't stand up to, to check I was back in my box.

I have wondered whether she is a narcissist but it seemed a little bit much, although when I spend time with her it seems accurate. She's definitely emotionally immature at the least. I'll look up FOG, thanks for the suggestion ☺️

I certainly can't send her home this time, though I will be wary in the future of having her stay so long. She tells me that she loves me so much and I'm her whole world (though I don't feel that she knows me particularly well) and that if she didn't see me she'd rather die etc, but in the COVID years when she couldn't travel to us for Christmas, I suggested she go see my brother instead (her son, lovely person, lives in the next county to her) and she said she'd rather be alone.

@Untitledsquatboulder my husband is here for interference ☺️ unfortunately he really doesn't like her. He's usually a very friendly and chatty person but he finds it hard with her. He did spend time keeping the children away from her though (I have a toddler DC as well, not mentioned before as she is too young to particularly understand what Grandma is saying so she's safe for now).

I do worry though that I am overreacting to my mother (not all of the comments she makes are as awful as the adoption one, not by far). I would hate hate hate to turn people against her because I have an issue with what she says, but at the same time I need to protect my family from her, or so it feels. I just wish I had a nice mum that I could have a cup of tea and a chat with, without any agenda or any worries.

Oh lord. I'm exhausted. She's a bitch. You owe her diddly squat. Focus on your family. Grey rock for the duration and then I would be sending her home before the NY.

I would NEVER have my mother criticising my DD in her own home. You are supposed to be unquestionably there for you DD.

Ask your mother to leave. I’ve had to do this myself when my DMs behaviour became toxic when she stayed. Our relationship never truly recovered but I am proud I made that decision. I would not allow her toxic behaviour in my home around my children. I am there to protect them and their home is their sanctuary.

Well the obvious solution is to arrange to visit your brother next year…

is it that he stands up to her so she prefers spending time with you?

you know you can decide to not let her see your dcs at all, you can say no to visits to you and then you go to her, but stay in a hotel and your DH take the dcs out while you visit your mum.

Ok, she's a less civilised version of mine. I know the score.

1, arrange and plane entertainment, as much as possible.
2 share the load- get DH to take her out for a while.
3 preparation. You know she's not a normal guest, plan better. Have food in the freezer that doesn't need much prep, plan activity, organise her issues away.
4 learn to grey rock, and teach your dc the same. Grey rock is making yourself uninteresting, giving her no material to work with. Don't react, challenge, or share anything personal. Talk about the weather, what's on tv. Nothing she can hurt you with.
5 imagine water running off a duck's back, and use it as an image when she's wittering on about giving you up for adoption.

Use phrases like
'yes mum, so who did you want to win Bake Off?'
'Oh dear, would you like a cup of tea?'

Humour her like a toddler. Basically she's at a toddler level of emotional maturity, but with an advanced vocabulary. It's all attention seeking, manipulative nonsense.

Perhaps mention you're probably going away for Christmas next year.

Sorry about the formatting of that. I don't know what happened. 😩

Your mum sounds like a worse version of mine and you sound like me a few years ago. I ended up in therapy, the therapist got me to explore my relationship with my mum and it was a lightbulb moment. The therapist went as far to suggest it was emotional abuse and all pointed to my mum having a personality disorder. I didn't realise how blind/minimising I had been.

Since then I no longer enable my mum, I recognise how as a parent it's our duty to look after and protect our children, something she never did since I was her emotional crutch and friend from a young age, but I put mine first way before her now I'm a mum. It's almost more challenging now though, as I notice her awful behaviour so much more and old emotional scars have reopened.

You owe it to your children to model healthy boundaries, you and your partner being on the same page and you being their safe place (this is what I parrot to myself in my head!).

Also, my DC have learned excellent boundaries and people handling skills from managing my mum. They can be very patient and considerate, and still know their own worth is not reflected in her treatment of them. They know how to be around people like her without getting upset, and recognise those behaviours in other people and manage them accordingly. Depending on the context that might mean avoiding them, or it might mean handling them. It's a valuable skill.

FFS OP.
Your mum sounds like mine - total narc.

I have thrown her out of my house before… at Christmas too when my kids were young and due to her behaviour.

She had to fly back home (abroad, 10 hour flight) and eventually came crawling back. She has behaved badly again at times, but is kept at arms length.

My kids see me dealing with her the best I can, not tolerating her bullshit and not allowing her to be rude to them at all.

Your daughter will remember what you do and don’t do.

Tell her in no uncertain terms she packs it in, or she leaves and ignore her ridiculous sad looks FFS.

Why are you prioritising you toxic mother over your daughter?

OP I'm no psychiatrist but what you're describing about the differences your mother treats your brother and you sounds classic narcissistic mother behaviour.

Golden Child and Scapegoat child.

There is a really good board on here think it's somewhat like "we took you to country homes".

You are going to have a lightbulb moment when you actually see what the person you call mum actually is.

I reiterate - please protect your children.

Just get this next few days out the way. You've managed your whole life you can do a few more days.

Then maybe look at getting some therapy to undo the abuse she's done to you.

I voted YABU but only because you’re BU to still be in contact with this vile old cow. So what if she guilts you when you pull her up on her nastiness? The world won’t end because she pulls out the crocodile tears. She sounds like a textbook narcissist and you need to grow a backbone. I’d have cut her out of my life years ago if I were you.

YABU or allowing this to continue. If you won’t throw your mother out I’d take the kids elsewhere after Christmas Day if I was DH.

Don’t let this happen again next year.

Why have you invited her for ten days when you know what she's like?

This is another example of a grown adult still being treated like a child by their parents and what's worse is that it's being allowed

Me and my brother tell our parents exactly how it is. If something isn't to our liking we bloody well tell them

She's invited herself?

Next year grow a back bone and tell her she's not coming over

Christmas for your dd can't be very nice with this horrible old woman around

OP I don't think I've seen a thread like this, where 100% of the posters give the same advice.

You're not ready to listen. :(

Hi @Ban . I did actually speak to her about her behaviour after listening to what people were saying on here. I'm honestly not going to throw her out directly as a result of information given here - as much as I appreciate the advice and goodwill of the people who have taken time to write, I think it's better to learn about this properly and take professional advice rather than making life-altering decisions on a whim. I'm making sure to protect DD :)