Another week of this?

[Miserableoldcowww]

DM has come to visit for Christmas and we're 2 days into a 10-day visit.

She's quite high maintenance and always has been. She talks about herself non stop and we need to be suitably interested/impressed with her story (that we've heard 100 times before). I'm not allowed to talk about anything that doesn't fit with her image of me as the perfect daughter. She needs constant praise and recognition of how great she is. She is often unaware of how others might perceive what she is saying - so talking today over lunch about how my father didn't want to have custody of me after they divorced, and I was lucky she didn't get me adopted. She didn't seem to recognise that this might upset me. Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.

More worryingly than all that, my DD7 is quite uncomfortable around her. Grandma often says quite critical things to DD7 and I do call her out on it when it happens, but DD asked me today when grandma was leaving.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do for the next week? I didn't mind so much when DD was too young to understand, but now DM's behaviour is taking its toll on the whole family. And just to complicate matters, now I'm of the age where DPs are often in ill health or dying, I feel so incredibly guilty about feeling negative and not cherishing every precious moment.

This!!

I would explain to your daughter that Granny is not quite right in the head, but because she is old and you don't see her very often you put up with her. But there is no need to worry about anything she says.

Just say no next time she invites herself. Seriously, you might benefit from therapy to deal with this and learn to put up healthy boundaries. Please try and sort it out otherwise your daughter will just copy you and think it’s ok.

I can't send her home. I would never be able to live with myself

I was going to sympathise over the appalling adoption comment but now see that you're enabling this, which is unfortunate
Okay so she's flown over to you, but presumably there are hotels/Air B&Bs nearby which she can stay in, and in your position that's what I'd insist on after just one more warning

If you're still inclined to hesiate, maybe think about her making that remark to your own child and then reconsider

I think if you actually do it, you will feel much happier. What terrible things she says to you, is it too late to get a hotel for her?

YABU to not talk to her about this and challenge the way she speaks to you each time.
Point out how it upsets you and that you aren't going to live with it and that means she won't be able to stay with you for long periods of time again if she can't think before she speaks.
If you enable it rather than challenging it then YABU.

She knows how to push your buttons doesn't she? As do most narcissists!! And you continue to let her!! Put her in her place for once!! She acts like a martyr and you enable her to put you down because she didn't send you for adoption - the next time she says it - fight back!! Say you should have done so Mum! - because my life has been a miserable existence with you in it and you are still making me miserable and now you are making my family miserable too. There is no room in my life for you acting like this and then pack her bags and send her home.
If you won't send her home before Christmas then ignore the woman and do activities with your family - be it baking biscuits, colouring whatever - just ignore your mother. (Better still tell her to stay in her room!!) That will hurt her far more than you pandering to her all the time. Your family should be your number one priority and you should be protecting and nurturing them.
Tell her DD wants to know when she is leaving and for that matter so do you!! and that once Christmas is over - she will never be welcomed to stay again.
I'm frustrated on your behalf but you could do with a good shake yourself to get you out of this apathy!!

OP "And just to complicate matters, now I'm of the age where DPs are often in ill health or dying, I feel so incredibly guilty about feeling negative and not cherishing every precious moment."

cherish what moments?

my dad is dead. He was a lovely man. I got over it. And I don't regret any issues, humans disagree. Please don't let the "one day so and so will be dead" brigade affect you.

OP, while I appreciate it's difficult because she's had to fly to a different country, it still doesn't mean you can't put a stop to this. Personally, I'd sit down somewhere quiet, perhaps when she's gone to bed, and write her a letter. Tell her everything she's done, and continues to do that upsets you, and then hit her with the fact that your daughter is so upset by her behaviour, that she wants her to go home. Finish by saying, I'm sure you won't take notice of this, as you never do when I tell you something you don't want to hear, but it appears that you are now damaging my child, and instead of making her Christmas by being here, you are spoiling it. Therefore, the very next time you speak out of order, you will be packing your bags and leaving. I don't care whether it's Christmas Day or not, you will be leaving. So I suggest you think VERY carefully before you say ANYTHING which could be considered offensive, or you will be looking for accommodation, or a flight home, at the most difficult time of the year!

Then be prepared to follow through. You don't say if you have a DH or DP, but if you do, pre-warn them of what is going to happen, and be sure that they back you up, but please don't put yourself, or worse still, your DD through this shit for one day longer.

Another time, if she invites herself, just say no. If she rocks up at your door, don't let her in and ask her to go to a hotel.
You are an adult - you don't have to let someone else walk all over you.

And you say, “I get to decide when I use my phone mum, don’t be so rude. I’m planning lunch at 13:00, if you’re hungry now - help yourself to some fruit.”

You either suck it up and keep your daughter away from grandma; or you start calling her out and put up with the sad grandma face. 10 days is a long time to cope with someone like this. Could you plan ahead for next year and say you’re booking a family skiing holiday next Christmas so she won’t be able to visit? Or could you visit her for a few days and stay in a hotel?

I am low contact with my mother and we live only 3 miles apart

This is because she prioritised placating someone else (in my case my abusive father) over my emotional well being

Your daughter won’t always be 7 years old. One day she she will judge for herself what kind of relationship you deserve to have with her. Think the fuck on.

No one is saying send her home really , just saying tell her to get out of your house .

Plenty of hotel type places about she can stay in till her flight is due

Protect your DD. Don't allow her to come & stay again. Sad to say but you just need to grow a pair op.

Someone said to me recently - rather feel guilty than resentful. This is potentially spoiling DD's Christmas. Are you prepared to allow that to happen again?

She sounds like the twin of my mother. The drama and tears if confronted etc.

It took a long time, years, a lot of stress and thinking before realising that none of it was normal.
And that I'd not take an ounce of what she gave from anyone else.

The guilt will initially crush you. But once you step outside of the circus you realise what an absolute farce it is.

Protect yourself and your family. She is certain you won't. Do it. And believe me, in 5 years time you won't give a shit and will be far better off.

Are you in a country with a health insurance system? Often that means you are able to have a certain number of therapy sessions a year.
Please do this a good psychologist or psychotherapist (they can prescribe as well) can really help to look at the patterns. As well as strategies to deal with ‘difficult’ relatives. My DH has done this - with some really helpful effects for him.
You have already taken the first step - recognizing there is a problem.

So your mum can walk all over you, emotionally and verbally abuse you, ignore your boundaries and you are trapped in fear, guilt and obligation to her.
way to go to pass that on to your daughter op.
showing your daughter the example you intend for her to also follow.
put up with it, smile, you simply do not matter.
please try and break out of this for the sake of the little one who has no say in it.
your mother sounds very unstable and should not be around your daughter for more than very. Very short periods of time (30 minutes) if at all.
have a look at the stately homes threads, I think you will find them eye opening.

She’s got you where she wants you then. Come on, surely you can be stronger than this for your daughter.

She’s got you where she wants you then. Come on, surely you can be stronger than this for your daughter

Google FOG

Stop pacifying her, you’re setting a terrible example. It’s bad enough her saying things like she has with your DD there, but you not calling her out is even worse. You don’t need to be rude, just address it “Mum please don’t say that, it’s upsetting and inappropriate.” “Yes mum that’s a great story but you told it yesterday 3 times [change subject].” If it causes a row then who cares, at least you’re setting a sensible example of how to set boundaries.

Time to put your big girl pants on OP

There is fuck all there to cherish.
Protect your daughter from this awful woman - even if it means you have to deal with some misplaced guilt

She's a self centered narcissist and you're a push-over enabler. You need to stand up for yourself and for your DD as she's suffering because of what you've allowed from your DM. Personally, I'd tell her that her criticism and absurd stories/comments are making everyone uncomfortable and she'll either need to stop or she can find somewhere else to stay/go home.