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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another week of this?

120 replies

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 17:38

DM has come to visit for Christmas and we're 2 days into a 10-day visit.

She's quite high maintenance and always has been. She talks about herself non stop and we need to be suitably interested/impressed with her story (that we've heard 100 times before). I'm not allowed to talk about anything that doesn't fit with her image of me as the perfect daughter. She needs constant praise and recognition of how great she is. She is often unaware of how others might perceive what she is saying - so talking today over lunch about how my father didn't want to have custody of me after they divorced, and I was lucky she didn't get me adopted. She didn't seem to recognise that this might upset me. Thankfully we've had this conversation many times before, and I know the only way to react is to praise her selflessness.

More worryingly than all that, my DD7 is quite uncomfortable around her. Grandma often says quite critical things to DD7 and I do call her out on it when it happens, but DD asked me today when grandma was leaving.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do for the next week? I didn't mind so much when DD was too young to understand, but now DM's behaviour is taking its toll on the whole family. And just to complicate matters, now I'm of the age where DPs are often in ill health or dying, I feel so incredibly guilty about feeling negative and not cherishing every precious moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:02

She invited herself.

I have tried pulling her up on her behaviour in the past, but either she cries hysterically and blames it all on her terrible upbringing, or doesn't even seem to care and tells me she likes to behave the way she does as she likes talking about herself etc.

And it doesn't matter anyway, because the next day it's like the conversation never happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:04

I can't send her home. I would never be able to live with myself. I am staying next to her at all times so she doesn't have much chance to bother my daughter; she's not that interested in her in any case as my daughter doesn't respond 'appropriately' to her stories.

OP posts:
lbnblbnb · 23/12/2022 18:05

10 days is a veeeerrrrry long time to have anyone as a visitor, let alone someone as difficult and rude as that. Don't agree to more than a few days in future. I get on well with my mum but four days is my limit.

I think your boundaries are way out - probably due to the way she has treated you over the years. Your daughter's reaction is probably a healthy one. Could you take the approach of saying things like 'Not sure if you realise it mum, but saying I am lucky you didn't have me adopted is pretty awful.' And anything about your daughter, step in hard to prevent it immediately.

Good luck, she sounds like a nightmare but it sounds like there needs to be a reset.

Delatron · 23/12/2022 18:06

Yes but if she says ‘I’m coming for 10 days’ you say
’Sorry that doesn’t work for us we are out visiting friends, have plans on these dates.’ Then give her the three day window.

How far away does she live?

Testina · 23/12/2022 18:06

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:04

I can't send her home. I would never be able to live with myself. I am staying next to her at all times so she doesn't have much chance to bother my daughter; she's not that interested in her in any case as my daughter doesn't respond 'appropriately' to her stories.

And yet you can live with her being nasty to your young child.

Quincythequince · 23/12/2022 18:07

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:02

She invited herself.

I have tried pulling her up on her behaviour in the past, but either she cries hysterically and blames it all on her terrible upbringing, or doesn't even seem to care and tells me she likes to behave the way she does as she likes talking about herself etc.

And it doesn't matter anyway, because the next day it's like the conversation never happened.

Then throw her out!
You are failing your child.

TimBoothseyes · 23/12/2022 18:09

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:04

I can't send her home. I would never be able to live with myself. I am staying next to her at all times so she doesn't have much chance to bother my daughter; she's not that interested in her in any case as my daughter doesn't respond 'appropriately' to her stories.

Well if it's a choice of sending her home or you willingly making your child unhappy, which is the easiest to live with? How would you like your DD to think about you in the future...a mother who put her first or one that was too wrapped up in protecting her own feelings to protect those of her child? Your choice.

Testina · 23/12/2022 18:09

“she doesn't have much chance to bother my daughter; she's not that interested in her in any case”

You’re minimising it because you don’t want to deal with it. If she really wasn’t that interested in your daughter and doesn’t get much chance to bother her anyway, why does your daughter want her to leave?

I know it’s not easy, but sometimes we have more strength for our children than we do for ourselves.

mistermagpie · 23/12/2022 18:09

What you do, when she invites herself, is say 'no, sorry that doesn't suit us but we'll come and see you on Christmas day' or similar. I've no idea why you are putting yourself through this voluntarily?

Honestly, I have been NC with my mum for ten years and she sounds nicer than yours.

You're a grown up now. It's your house, and you don't need to have her there if she's unpleasant. You can actually say no and put your and your child's interests first - it's allowed.

There are no precious moments to cherish here.

MrsKeats · 23/12/2022 18:10

She goes home.
That's all there is to it.
Why are you letting your daughter suffer as you did?
Break the cycle now and don't ever feel guilty about protecting your child.

Wonnle · 23/12/2022 18:14

As has been mentioned a few times you need to tell her to leave

Better still you should have told her she's not welcome before she turned up

user1487194234 · 23/12/2022 18:15

She sounds a lot like my mother
I put up with a lot from her, but as soon as my children were born things changed
I called her out each and every time,left immediately if she didn’t stop and made it crystal clear it was not happening
She did change her behaviour
No way I would have let her treat my DC the way she treated me x

MorningMeditation · 23/12/2022 18:17

Wont you feel more guilty that your daughter has to put up with being criticised? And for the example you are showing your daughter which is to grovel to people who say upsetting things?

Prioritise your daughter and yourself. Tell your mother to fuck off and you’re not doing this any longer. Feel no guilt and then gave a lovely Xmas and life without her.

It sounds like you would benefit from therapy to realise you have nothing to feel guilty for here. It was when my mother started being negative around my children and to my children and started to do all the things she had done to me as a child, that I finally went no contact.

SquishyGloopyBum · 23/12/2022 18:21

You are in the FOG.

Do you have a H or partner that can stand up to her if you can't?

LimeCheesecake · 23/12/2022 18:22

Ok get through this visit. How far away does she live, is it feasible for her to leave Boxing Day? Do you have in laws that you need to go visit?

next year I’d book to go away. Obviously without her. Be busy. Visit her in early December for a weekend.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2022 18:23

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:04

I can't send her home. I would never be able to live with myself. I am staying next to her at all times so she doesn't have much chance to bother my daughter; she's not that interested in her in any case as my daughter doesn't respond 'appropriately' to her stories.

Well stop moaning then.

There’s plenty you can do to solve this but you won’t.

I’m sick of reading all of these adult women refusing to advocate for themselves and allowing their family to do this to them.

Blanketsaurus · 23/12/2022 18:27

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2022 18:23

Well stop moaning then.

There’s plenty you can do to solve this but you won’t.

I’m sick of reading all of these adult women refusing to advocate for themselves and allowing their family to do this to them.

Show quote history

This. Stop moaning and keep praising. Do you not hear how you sound op?

Your mum is being awful to you, and you are being awful to your daughter. But no, you couldn’t POSSIBLY do anything about it. Your solution is to keep praising her behaviour.

greenacrylicpaint · 23/12/2022 18:30

10 days?

I love my mum and like her company but visits need to be 4 days max or we end up shouting at each other at some point.

no advice apart from getting some space each day. take dd ice skating, go for walks, drinks with friends etc.
you will both feel better.

Beelezebub · 23/12/2022 18:31

Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:04

I can't send her home. I would never be able to live with myself. I am staying next to her at all times so she doesn't have much chance to bother my daughter; she's not that interested in her in any case as my daughter doesn't respond 'appropriately' to her stories.

Why is it easier to live with pissing off your mother because you rightly pulled her up on her appalling behaviour, than living with knowing you’ve put her feelings ahead of your daughter’s?

Original poster
Miserableoldcowww · 23/12/2022 18:33

We live abroad so an expensive flight away. That's why the visit is so long.

I just tried to pull her up on the criticism of the way I'm cooking dinner and she looked at me so sadly like I'd ruined her life. And now she's telling me to get off my phone and serve her lunch.

OP posts:
Crackof · 23/12/2022 18:35

Why are you posting here if you dismiss all advice. You honestly sound just like your mum. Tomorrow it'll be like we never said anything, eh.

LBFseBrom · 23/12/2022 18:35

Because you put up with it, your mother doesn't know how wrong she is.

Make a note of all the things she has said with which you take issue and then sit down with her, quietly and calmly, and tell her how each of them make you feel - and her granddaughter. Don't have the list in your hand, try and memorise it before you have the talk..

She probably won't like it but she will be sorry. She has never before had to see things from your point of view.

It's not too late to repair the relationship but you cannot be the only one to do the giving.

I haven't read every page of this thread so it's possible this has already been said, however it cannot be said too much!

If she gets in a huff, that's her problem and she can go home. However I hope that any upset is short lived and you can start afresh. It will do you and your daughter the power of good if you are straightforward with your mother.

Good luck.

Delatron · 23/12/2022 18:36

Ok so that makes more sense - if you live abroad. But still a week is plenty. Could she stay in an air bnb or hotel close by? Or could you fly to visit her another time and stay for a day or 2 as part of a bigger trip.

MyGrandmaLizzie · 23/12/2022 18:36

Your mother sounds like a narcissist. You are going to have to dig deep and be very firm with her and ignore the drama and crying when she doesn't like being pulled up for being rude and unpleasant. I know if difficult after so many years but don't let history repeat itself fir you daughter. Be grateful you live in a different country to your mother.

Stomacharmeleon · 23/12/2022 18:37

You are as bad as she is...

I haven't spoken to my mother for eight years and my youngest son reminded me the other day ' Nan never liked me and ds2 was her favourite'

I am sad I let that happen for so long. You are complicit.