To uninvite a family member for Christmas dinner due to illness.

[ponderingnow]

I feel really stuck between a rock and a hard place. A family member who was due to have Christmas dinner with us is now unwell after spending time with someone else (staying over) with a household where they knew everyone had awful chest infections/the flu. I feel terrible but have to consider other family members and myself - I really don’t want this horrible bug that’s going around but feel very guilty. AIBU to uninvite them?

They should offer to uninvite themselves. If they don’t then I think it’s fine to politely suggest they don’t come.

If they're still ill at Christmas, surely thry won't want to come anyway?

YANBU. Talk to them, they may offer not to coke.

You're likely to get it at some point, seems a bit mean to want them to spend the day at home alone if they feel otherwise fine to join you.

Is anyone in your household vulnerable?

Agree, it's not ideal to risk getting ill but personally I think it trumps a loved one spending it on their own.

you can’t uninvite them 2 days before Christmas!

You can’t do that. What a shame for them

I may be likely to get it at some point but I'm trying hard not to @username1099090. My husband's asthma is already bad, my Dad is vulnerable and my in-laws are both very vulnerable (one had a trip to hospital in an ambulance today).

The thought of the next time we get together being for one of their funerals because this cold/flu/COVID could kill one of them is not exaggerated.

Of course you can un-invite them and make a date for another time.

If they have any manners they should cancel anyway.

Only you can make the decision if you feel as though it could kill somebody I wouldn't risk it.

Personally I think it's a little cruel to uninvited someone a few days before. If they're THAT unwell they won't be able to make it.

Yes, call up and say you're starting to worry you've picked it up, dissapointing but we'll get together for a festive meal when everyone is well. Damn the lurgy. No way would I risk spreading it and they should be cancelling but maybe they are not wanting to let you down.

They should show some consideration and excuse themselves - they should be at home and not spreading it around.

Is it your MIL?

Do they live locally? Are they likely to be alone if they don't come to yours?

If the answer to the above is yes and yes then could you offer to plate up their Christmas Dinner and take it round to them so they don't have to venture out.

OP may well get it at some point but better not to deliberately put yourself in a situation where you could pick it up and go into NY feeling like crap!

Can you contact them and offer to bring a plated up dinner (from doorstep) as you know they’re unwell and won’t be coming? Assuming they don’t live too far away? If they insist they’re going to come, then open up a convo that you’d rather they not and arrange for them to come round when they’re better?

If they are too selfish and stupid to stay home, of course you should uninvite them. It's mind boggling that anyone thinks it's acceptable to show up ill to a dinner.

Of course we will offer to plate it up and give it to them. Not to drip feed but it’s an elderly family member and I am feeling incredibly sad.

Not my MIL. She’s one of the people I’d be worried about catching it!

Its still 2 days away, they could be better by then. MN all seem to be terrified of catching a cold, is this a consequence of covid?

You need to sound out uninvite-policy notices to all invitees, OP. Tell them when they are & aren't allowed to come. After all, someone could suddenly feel unwell on the morning and need to know what the rules are about when they are allowed to come along or not. Be specific about which symptoms & exposure history means they must stay away (per your policy). Then there shouldn't be hard feelings because it's a blanket policy for all.

You may wish to explicitly write down hygiene & social contact rules for everyone too. It's easier to follow rules if laid out in advance.

You may find it easier to just screen them at the door before they enter your property, of course. You could consider periodic screening & checks on the visitors throughout the day, too, in case someone starts to feel unwell but isn't quickly unforthcoming & doesn't remove themselves immediately.

Make sure the social-withdrawal-if-unwell policy applies to all residents of the hosting property too, of course.

Better safe than sorry, after all.

No need to be sarcastic. Mumsnet is horrible sometimes. We have other elderly family members and those in care homes to see and don’t fancy spreading germs around unnecessarily I don’t think that’s ridiculous.

Am I sarcastic? Your relatively may feel picked on when YOU decide they aren't allowed to attend even though they disagree & feel it's fine to attend (I think that's the problem described here). How do you propose to avoid them feeling singled out? How will you make the situation feel 'fair' to them if someone else has symptoms in next 2 days?

if they can easily agree with OP about it not being ok to attend, then why does this thread even exist?

Op is there not an option for them to stay with the poorly family over Xmas? They're all ill with the same germs and arguably the elderly ill person might need someone to keep an eye on them too. Probably better to try to isolate the germs if possible

I wouldn't hesitate in asking them to consider not coming if they're still feeling unwell come Christmas morning.

For all those saying it's a shame, surely it's a shame for everyone else to be put at risk??

If the person is so unwell that OP is concerned, then said person is better off resting up at home and not spreading their unwelcome germs - and it's the germs that are unwelcome not the family member, if they're an actual adult they will be able to make the distinction (and tbh they should be suggesting they don't come themselves without putting OP in this position)

No doubt there will be a stream of MNetters on 26th/27th December complaining they've come down with the lurgy because some selfish family member turned up feeling ill when they should have stayed home.

If you're ill = you stay home

We're currently in the same situation with two of our relatives having hacking coughs/nasty colds all week. They're making it easier for us though by saying they'll decide whether or not to come, because even if they aren't still infectious they don't want to be feeling rundown all day.

So yes, you can cancel someone with two days to go. You can't put your other guests at risk of a horrible bug just because someone on MN thinks it would be rude of you to do so.

I got the cold bug that's going around a few weeks ago and it turned into pneumonia. Have you not see the headlines about hospitals being swamped by flu patients? It's a really nasty strain of virus and it's making people really sick.