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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite a family member for Christmas dinner due to illness.

105 replies

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 15:07

I feel really stuck between a rock and a hard place. A family member who was due to have Christmas dinner with us is now unwell after spending time with someone else (staying over) with a household where they knew everyone had awful chest infections/the flu. I feel terrible but have to consider other family members and myself - I really don’t want this horrible bug that’s going around but feel very guilty. AIBU to uninvite them?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 23/12/2022 16:15

I don't think there's any need for sarcasm either. I'm invited to a friend's for Christmas day and I'd expect to stay at home if I were unwell or had symptoms which might be passed to someone vulnerable. I think it's perfectly fine for the OP to univite this guest if she hasn't the manners to excuse herself.

Fleabigg · 23/12/2022 16:18

Depends. If they’re the vulnerable elderly family member, no way would I be uninviting them for the benefit of the rest of my healthy family, particularly if that meant them spending the day alone. It also depends what they’re ill with and when they started feeling ill, since with most bugs of this type you’re most infectious at the onset of symptoms or just before.

LargeglassofRosePlease · 23/12/2022 16:23

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 15:57

No need to be sarcastic. Mumsnet is horrible sometimes. We have other elderly family members and those in care homes to see and don’t fancy spreading germs around unnecessarily I don’t think that’s ridiculous.

Show quote history

I am with you op. Mumsnet can be nasty sometimes and you aren’t doing anything wrong.
We have covid in this house and by mutual agreement our elderly vulnerable relatives will not be coming on Christmas Day as had been arranged.
We are incredibly upset but cannot risk them catching Covid.

Big hugs to you. It’s a sad situation and very upsetting.

BrookieButter · 23/12/2022 16:24

YANBU, it’s shocking she hasn’t pulled out herself. That alone would make it an easy choice for me as I couldn’t deal with a selfish person anyway

Ihavedogs · 23/12/2022 16:24

If your relative has an infection/flu type bug, they should be withdrawing from the arrangements as a matter of courtesy. How long is it since they became unwell? If they have had it for a while, they may be ok to come Christmas Day, but if more recent probably not.

My otherwise healthy and fit, but elderly father died 2 weeks ago after catching a flu type bug. I am therefore somewhat biased, but I would be sounding out your relative now and if there is any concern asking them not to come to protect the health of your other vulnerable family members and yourself.

HomeAGnome · 23/12/2022 16:26

@lljkk is just being a twat
Of course it's OK to cancel, you'll still be feeding them. Make arrangements for another get together for a later day if you can

Vargas · 23/12/2022 16:27

If I had someone clinically vulnerable in my house then I would have made it clear before inviting anyone to stay (at any time - not just Christmas) that if they were ill on the day they would not be welcome. Anyone with an ounce of sense would agree to those conditions.

Otherwise I would never dream of 'uninviting' a guest who felt well enough to visit.

Original poster
ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 16:31

There's no-one clinically vulnerable in the house but will be going to see people who are on boxing day/the day after. I think that the family member can go to other family on christmas day (who they caught the bug off!) but I'm worried I'll be causing upset. If we decide to have the unwell family member, then there will be a consequence of a few others who will then spend the day alone as they won't want to come. But either way I'll upset someone here and I'm upset about it too. 😥

OP posts:
BrookieButter · 23/12/2022 16:32

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 16:31

There's no-one clinically vulnerable in the house but will be going to see people who are on boxing day/the day after. I think that the family member can go to other family on christmas day (who they caught the bug off!) but I'm worried I'll be causing upset. If we decide to have the unwell family member, then there will be a consequence of a few others who will then spend the day alone as they won't want to come. But either way I'll upset someone here and I'm upset about it too. 😥

Worried about causing upset?

id be livid if you had someone round who was ill then came to see my Boxing Day!

Noonesperfect · 23/12/2022 16:34

Don't have them round OP, there are some awful viruses going around at the minute causing high temperatures, sickness, diarrhoea, sore throats, headaches and it lasts 2 - 3 weeks. Some of these Mumsnet idiots would say you should invite someone with Ebola rather than cancel. They are just gas - lighting you. YANBU. If a member of your family got ill, you'd feel really bad about it.

LargeglassofRosePlease · 23/12/2022 16:36

Noonesperfect · 23/12/2022 16:34

Don't have them round OP, there are some awful viruses going around at the minute causing high temperatures, sickness, diarrhoea, sore throats, headaches and it lasts 2 - 3 weeks. Some of these Mumsnet idiots would say you should invite someone with Ebola rather than cancel. They are just gas - lighting you. YANBU. If a member of your family got ill, you'd feel really bad about it.

Yep ☝️

Vargas · 23/12/2022 16:37

Ok OP, your last post changes things, if you are visiting CV people directly after then probs best to 'uninvite' the lurgy guest.

It's a shame that it's stressful for you, and it does sound like you might have to upset someone, but they'll get over it!

asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 16:37

OP yes you should uninvite them if they are sick. Just cause it’s Christmas does not mean it’s ok to make others sick!

If you look up my threads, you can see a thread I made the other day. I’m in the exact same situation as you! My BIL and his partner are sick with a bad cold or flu and are meant to be coming to mine on Xmas day.

they both have chesty coughs, sore throats, temperatures and BIL has diarrhoea and is vomiting. I don’t want them to come for obvious reasons but they seem to think if they take lemsip that they can come and all will be fine. They’ve been off work sick all week.

DH thinks they should still come and because our dining room is right across the hallway from the downstairs toilet, they can just quickly leave the table and go to the toilet to be sick if they need to!

Noonesperfect · 23/12/2022 16:37

It's basic manners in my opinion, even if you've only got a cold to not visit people without checking with them first. Not everyone wants to be ill all over Christmas and New year!

Windtunnel · 23/12/2022 16:41

So op I think you should ring the relative and say kindly, how are you, I've heard it can be serious, the hospitals are full of it, I havnt had it yet and neither has mil, they feel like they've escaped it so far hahaha etc.

We are looking forward to seeing you but we will leave it up to you and tonally understand if you choose not to come, we can bring you a plate.

justgotosleepffs · 23/12/2022 16:42

My SIL had flu a few years ago at xmas. It was fine and i wouldn't have dreamed of telling her to stay away.

She came over with her family (who didnt have flu) and spend most of the day sleeping in a spare bed.

She came downstairs for about half an hour to eat xmas lunch (not when everyone else was eating it - she was asleep for that) and opened her presents.

If she'd stayed home alone then she would have seen no one and had to sort her own food. At least she was able to have a bit of food and company briefly while she felt up to it

No-one else got flu. Just because someone is ill doesn't mean everyone else will definitely catch it.

asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 16:44

justgotosleepffs · 23/12/2022 16:42

My SIL had flu a few years ago at xmas. It was fine and i wouldn't have dreamed of telling her to stay away.

She came over with her family (who didnt have flu) and spend most of the day sleeping in a spare bed.

She came downstairs for about half an hour to eat xmas lunch (not when everyone else was eating it - she was asleep for that) and opened her presents.

If she'd stayed home alone then she would have seen no one and had to sort her own food. At least she was able to have a bit of food and company briefly while she felt up to it

No-one else got flu. Just because someone is ill doesn't mean everyone else will definitely catch it.

No but it is likely it could spread. I don’t care what time of the year it is, if you have flu or a stomach bug don’t be so selfish and just stay at home. Nobody wants other people’s germs. It being Christmas doesn’t exempt people from being considerate to others.

Original poster
ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 16:46

I love my relative very much but it feels too much of a risk ☹️

OP posts:
Threeboysandadog · 23/12/2022 16:54

My fit and healthy 16 year old has just recovered from the cold/flu virus that is going around. He was really quite unwell with it. Fortunately, having isolated in his bedroom previously with Covid, he just did the same again and 🤞 we are all ok so far. It could be really serious for someone already vulnerable to catch it so YANBU.

MiniCooperLover · 23/12/2022 16:55

When you say unwell what exactly do you mean? They've got a cold, worse ?!

Fluffyhoglets · 23/12/2022 16:57

Yanbu!

Don't do as suggested and leave it up to them to decide. Firmly say that as they have caught the bug unfortunately they won't be able to come for lunch as you have other vulnerable relatives - but you will drop off food or see if they can go to the people who've all had the bug already.
If it's what I have then its rather infectious and not much fun.

When we were all younger and had younger kids - we often got on with having poorly guests as we'd never have seen far flung family otherwise - sometimes we caught things and sometimes we didn't. But we don't take the same risks now as the grandparents are older and more vulnerable these days.

asblindasabat · 23/12/2022 16:57

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 16:46

I love my relative very much but it feels too much of a risk ☹️

I wouldn’t hesitate. If they’re sick they shouldn’t be there.

ilovesooty · 23/12/2022 16:58

Windtunnel · 23/12/2022 16:41

So op I think you should ring the relative and say kindly, how are you, I've heard it can be serious, the hospitals are full of it, I havnt had it yet and neither has mil, they feel like they've escaped it so far hahaha etc.

We are looking forward to seeing you but we will leave it up to you and tonally understand if you choose not to come, we can bring you a plate.

That's not making it clear that they shouldn't come.

HamBone · 23/12/2022 17:00

I think you have no choice but to ring them and explain that you’re concerned about family members catching the bug and that you’ll be visiting CV people on Boxing Day.

Asoiaf · 23/12/2022 17:07

how sick are they currently? how long have they been sick for? can you contact the other (ill) family to make arrangements for relative to spend Christmas with them instead?
I would feel awful about telling an elderly relative not to come for Christmas and then having a family filled day with others whilst knowing they were lonely and on their own, particularly if they're not particularly ill to begin with (if you can clarify on their actual symptoms).
I agree if they are unwell they should excuse themselves. But I am wondering if this elderly relative hasn't done so as they are wanting to have company and sociability on Christmas. Doesn't make it right, if they really are sick, but hopefully understandable on their actions.
Whatever you decide please do it quickly - it's 2 days away and little time for them to sort out alternative plans and food.