Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite a family member for Christmas dinner due to illness.

105 replies

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 15:07

I feel really stuck between a rock and a hard place. A family member who was due to have Christmas dinner with us is now unwell after spending time with someone else (staying over) with a household where they knew everyone had awful chest infections/the flu. I feel terrible but have to consider other family members and myself - I really don’t want this horrible bug that’s going around but feel very guilty. AIBU to uninvite them?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 23/12/2022 17:17

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 15:39

Of course we will offer to plate it up and give it to them. Not to drip feed but it’s an elderly family member and I am feeling incredibly sad.

So don’t be so unkind. I cannot believe you would do this to an elderly person at Christmas.

Tandora · 23/12/2022 17:21

God this is what people are like since Covid 🙄

Inkpotlover · 23/12/2022 17:27

Aprilx · 23/12/2022 17:17

So don’t be so unkind. I cannot believe you would do this to an elderly person at Christmas.

Show quote history

But it's okay for OP's other guests to be infected by the bug this person's currently sick with, which could then infect others who are CV that they'll be visiting?

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/12/2022 17:28

Threeboysandadog · 23/12/2022 16:54

My fit and healthy 16 year old has just recovered from the cold/flu virus that is going around. He was really quite unwell with it. Fortunately, having isolated in his bedroom previously with Covid, he just did the same again and 🤞 we are all ok so far. It could be really serious for someone already vulnerable to catch it so YANBU.

Same here;4 teens and myself and DH.Whatever this chest infection type fluey thing that going around is it's absolutely vile and I wouldn't wish it on anyone at all;it's taken 4 weeks for me to get back to normal from having it.

poefaced · 23/12/2022 17:28

Aprilx · 23/12/2022 17:17

So don’t be so unkind. I cannot believe you would do this to an elderly person at Christmas.

Show quote history

What about the clinically vulnerable people OP will be seeing on Boxing Day? Is it kind to spread potential germs to them?

Flamingogirl08 · 23/12/2022 17:36

Tandora · 23/12/2022 17:21

God this is what people are like since Covid 🙄

Right! Nuts

Noonesperfect · 23/12/2022 17:47

Yes well my daughter is still living with the effects of Covid. She's got Long Covid and has been ill for months, and that's because we visited a family member who was ill and didn't bother to warn us. Why should people risk being ill, it's ludicrous. People on here who are happy to catch things and be ill all over Christmas, get on with it!

HoboHippo · 23/12/2022 17:48

It's a really horrible situation, OP, and some posters are being unnecessarily unpleasant. Even if it weren't the case that you have CEV people in the house, the bugs flying round atm are really nasty and YANBU to want to avoid it if possible. Yes, you might pick it up anywhere, but that's not the same as actively having close contact with someone unwell. It is really crappy but it IS just a day. I am in the same position with my dad and, whilst I hate the thought of him being on his own for Christmas, I know that he wil understand that we have MIL and PIL in their 80s, a CV teen (has to have hospital treatment if contracts COVID again) and a very young toddler. It's rubbish but you're making the right decision. Have a video call if they're well enough, plate them some dinner and have someone drop it off and then plan something nice with them once they're better. YANBU.

Noonesperfect · 23/12/2022 17:49

Tandora · 23/12/2022 17:21

God this is what people are like since Covid 🙄

Yes those that are still alive to tell the tale.

Inkpotlover · 23/12/2022 17:54

Flamingogirl08 · 23/12/2022 17:36

Right! Nuts

Show quote history

Nice to be blasé about viruses that are making a lot of people really sick right now.

news.sky.com/story/number-of-flu-patients-in-hospitals-in-england-soars-while-strep-a-partly-drives-near-record-demand-for-nhs-111-services-12773119

Proudofitbabe · 23/12/2022 17:56

I think it'd be well OTT to cancel them.

Flamingogirl08 · 23/12/2022 17:56

Inkpotlover · 23/12/2022 17:54

Show quote history

Yes it's winter people get ill. That's always been the case but since Covid people are so OTT about it. Including media and the absolute hysteria about winter illnesses.

Holly6547 · 23/12/2022 17:58

I’d strongly suggest to them that they stay at home because of my own circumstances. That might not be right for everyone, but I have realised that many people don’t acknowledge that the same illness can affect people in different ways to different degrees.

Ihavedogs · 23/12/2022 18:01

ponderingnow · 23/12/2022 16:31

There's no-one clinically vulnerable in the house but will be going to see people who are on boxing day/the day after. I think that the family member can go to other family on christmas day (who they caught the bug off!) but I'm worried I'll be causing upset. If we decide to have the unwell family member, then there will be a consequence of a few others who will then spend the day alone as they won't want to come. But either way I'll upset someone here and I'm upset about it too. 😥

You don’t have to be clinically vulnerable to be somewhat ill with some of the bugs and flu that are currently doing the rounds.

closingscore · 23/12/2022 18:02

It's a nightmare isn't it? We are in the same boat - got someone coming who's vulnerable and two others with colds (could be covid, they haven't tested but the vulnerable one could also do without a cold!)

Thing is, they say you're infectious a day or two before things come out anyway, so any one of us at the table could be harbouring something 🤦‍♀️ . We definitely didn't worry this much before covid, my dm used to have streaming colds/chest infections most Christmases and we never even thought about telling her not to come, if she felt up to it she would come.

Hesma · 23/12/2022 18:03

I would but would offer to plate up a dinner and take it over to them

Willowswood · 23/12/2022 18:10

Won't they be deciding to cancel themselves if they are that unwell? Surely they won't want to spread it, or are they not very considerate?

Zombiemum1946 · 23/12/2022 18:19

If its anything like the bug dh and I have, they may not feel like coming along especially a big meal and lots of people. Maybe phone, see how they are,offer to pop round on the day with the food. Dh has been unwell for 10 days, I'm on day 4. Luckily dh does the cooking and is past the nausea stage. So glad we're neither going out or hosting.

Noonesperfect · 23/12/2022 18:42

Yeh, why are people so OTT since Covid just because thousands died and thousands now have long covid, who cares as long as I'm alright Jack 🙄

winonarose · 23/12/2022 18:46

I second what Mol said

Zanatdy · 23/12/2022 18:53

surely they’d contact the host to advise they are unwell. That’s what decent people will do

Ilovechoc12 · 23/12/2022 18:59

I think if the person is bed bound it's up to them to cancel.

If they are poorly they will do the right thing and cancel too.

Equally you can't wrap everyone is cotton wool - the supermarkets / pubs / nursing homes / everywhere are full of bugs - sometimes you have to take your chances even with the old .....

Equally even if you wrapped them up they could naturally get poorly too.

I think you should give the poorly person a fair chance ..... they will know

Ladysodor · 23/12/2022 22:24

Pre-covid we all used basic common sense in situations like this but now we all run round like headless chickens if someone as much as coughs or sneezes! If the person concerned is too ill they won’t come anyway. Personally I could never uninvite someone so I’d just have to go with it.

thewinterwitch · 23/12/2022 22:54

lljkk · 23/12/2022 15:54

You need to sound out uninvite-policy notices to all invitees, OP. Tell them when they are & aren't allowed to come. After all, someone could suddenly feel unwell on the morning and need to know what the rules are about when they are allowed to come along or not. Be specific about which symptoms & exposure history means they must stay away (per your policy). Then there shouldn't be hard feelings because it's a blanket policy for all.

You may wish to explicitly write down hygiene & social contact rules for everyone too. It's easier to follow rules if laid out in advance.

You may find it easier to just screen them at the door before they enter your property, of course. You could consider periodic screening & checks on the visitors throughout the day, too, in case someone starts to feel unwell but isn't quickly unforthcoming & doesn't remove themselves immediately.

Make sure the social-withdrawal-if-unwell policy applies to all residents of the hosting property too, of course.

Better safe than sorry, after all.

What is wrong with you? Is that your one take-away from the pandemic - an endless spray of resentment, mockery, and spite?

lljkk · 23/12/2022 23:02

I'm not being sarcastic.
What I said is the logical outcome of OP's situation & dilemma as presented.
If OP hasn't even had a casual conversation like "Are you sure you're well enough to come, plus I'm worried about us catching it & giving it to others" then maybe OP should try to have that conversation before OP thinks that OP has a problem.

Otherwise, It's only fair to have a consistent policy & strategy. And the more written out it is the more consistent it can be.

I suspect that if I were the relative & felt fine to attend but OP was insisting I must not attend on the maybe-maybe-scenarios, then I might well decide not to make much effort with OP in future. OP doesn't seem to know what her relative's view will be. Maybe the relative will agree with OP & there is no problem.