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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL’s hoarding

108 replies

SantasBigToe · 23/12/2022 11:55

I have posted about this before under several different usernames. It always flares up at Christmas, but happens throughout the year to a lesser extent. Ex MIL is a hoarder. She sends us a lot of her hoarded junk, at every opportunity, especially Christmas. I have asked her multiple times, and in as kind a way as possible, to please stop. She spoke to me months ago about a stack of books she wanted to send for Christmas. I asked her not to. One was a book I already own. I told her this. She has sent it anyway. One book is for dd and quite inappropriate for her age. Ex MIL warned me before sending and I asked her not to send it. She sent it anyway.
AIBU (or ungrateful) to dump them at the nearest charity shop? I am fed up with the boxes and boxes of old junk and second hand clothes she keeps sending (that she finds on eBay and in charity shops). She doesn’t have much money, but what she does have she spends on “bargains” that she either hoards or sends to us. She calls me rude and ungrateful when I ask her to stop sending us her junk. So far this month she had sent 5 small boxes of ornaments, a big bag of clothes and the 6 books.
The last time I posted about this the advice was to give it all to my ex to deal with. I have been doing this, but the kids still end up with it and it works its way back to our house.

OP posts:
ZeusandClio · 23/12/2022 11:57

If she puts her address on the outside, return to sender.

EllieQ · 23/12/2022 12:00

If it ends up back at your house via the kids, it’s probably better to just take it straight to the charity shop. I know it’s more work for you, but it means it’s not cluttering up your house.

Sparkletastic · 23/12/2022 12:00

Contact her to say you won't be accepting any more from her. Then straight to charity shop or send it back via ex every time. Tell the kids.

stealthninjamum · 23/12/2022 12:01

That would be annoying, I’d be tempted to put it in the car boot the day you get it ready for a charity shop run

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 23/12/2022 12:03

Refuse the parcel at the door.

Runnerduck34 · 23/12/2022 12:03

She gets pleasure from bargain hunting.
She's probably offended you dont share her joy and call it junk ( even if it is)
Telling her not to send it as you already have it etc clearly doesn't work.
So smile sweetly say thank you, charity shop your gifts and any inappropriate DC gifts and send other DC gifts to dad's ( unless kids want them)
You won't be able to change her behaviour, accept this move on, don't give it headspace.

booklovingmum · 23/12/2022 12:06

I'd be either selling it or taking it to a charity shop, better it be with somebody who actually wants it and clearly your wishes are being ignored.

Pointless gifts however well intentioned are a nuisance so I'd be getting rid but ensuring they go to somebody who wants or needs.

Notimeforaname · 23/12/2022 12:07

Just keep sending it back to her or her son every time. Dont let it "always end up back at yours" . Dont let the children cross the door with it.

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2022 12:09

She is extending her hoarding into your home.

I would be blunt with her at this point.
I do not want this. I do not want you to send it to me. If you send it to me I will throw it away the day it arrives.

caringcarer · 23/12/2022 12:09

The only way to stop your house from her clutter is to refuse any parcels she sends. Make postman take them straight back. Tell your ex what you doing and get him to stop her sending them to you.

Original poster
SantasBigToe · 23/12/2022 12:49

caringcarer · 23/12/2022 12:09

The only way to stop your house from her clutter is to refuse any parcels she sends. Make postman take them straight back. Tell your ex what you doing and get him to stop her sending them to you.

Last time he visited her he came back with a boot full of bin bags of her junk which she said were “gifts” for us. Cuddly toys from the 90s covered in inches of dust, moth eaten books and clothes. She recently sent us some items of clothing off eBay that were filthy and huge sizes. Why oh why?!?!

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 23/12/2022 12:51

My mil is similar. Last thing she tried to give us was a second hand foot spa from the charity shop uuurgh…I just put them all in charity shops or bin. She never remembers what she sent me so it’s fine. When she calls you ungrateful say ‘I am not grateful and it will be binned once it arrives!’ Keep chucking them and charity shopping them. Be glad she doesn’t volunteer in a charity shop like MIL did 🙄

Poppyblush · 23/12/2022 13:11

Give them to your ex

fancyacuppatea · 23/12/2022 13:12

Bin bags and take the lot to the tip.

Who in their right mind would buy this shit from a charity shop?

BMW6 · 23/12/2022 13:24

Just tell her that you've asked her nicely to stop doing this, and any further stuff will be taken to the tip without exception.

If she lives within reasonable driving distance I'd be tempted to dump in outside her front door.

Soothsayer1 · 23/12/2022 13:26

I agree that she is trying to extend her horde into your home, I would refuse all packages at the door or not answer the door.
Please stop being a doormat, you are inadvertently enabling her!

Soothsayer1 · 23/12/2022 13:29

Don't bother speaking to her about it, it won't land, you need to send a much clearer message by refusing to allow any of it into your home..... don't allow it to be your problem!

Iwantmyoldnameback · 23/12/2022 13:29

Well at least she is getting rid of so e if her hoard. Take it to charity shop or dump accordingly.

MintJulia · 23/12/2022 13:29

If you send it back, it will still find its way to your DCs.

If you leave it to your ex, he'll take the path of least resistance, and your dcs will still get lumbered with it.

I'd take the boxes direct to the charity shop. Better, a charity shop in another town so it doesn't come around again. My DM used to do the same. It was infuriating, constantly being left with piles of junk to dispose of.

Beamur · 23/12/2022 13:33

Pop it straight in the boot of your car (assuming you have one) and drop off at a charity shop when you're near one.
She won't stop sending it, but you can minimise the headspace you give it. If she asks where something is, either say you don't know or that you've passed it on.

spare123 · 23/12/2022 13:34

SantasBigToe · 23/12/2022 12:49

Last time he visited her he came back with a boot full of bin bags of her junk which she said were “gifts” for us. Cuddly toys from the 90s covered in inches of dust, moth eaten books and clothes. She recently sent us some items of clothing off eBay that were filthy and huge sizes. Why oh why?!?!

Show quote history

So if he does that again, sigh, say 'I've told her not to do this - you may as well put them directly in the outside bin'

Original poster
SantasBigToe · 23/12/2022 13:37

Iwantmyoldnameback · 23/12/2022 13:29

Well at least she is getting rid of so e if her hoard. Take it to charity shop or dump accordingly.

Making room for more!

OP posts:
MinnieGirl · 23/12/2022 13:43

Roll of bin liners ready by the front door. Don’t even open her parcels, you know what they are…. Rip off the address label, and just stick the parcel straight in the outside bin. Don’t open it, dont take it inside your house. And if she says you are rude and ungrateful, tell her straight. You’ve asked her nicely not to send things as they aren’t suitable. You are not grateful and it makes work for you having to dispose of them. And tell your ex in no uncertain terms that if he is daft enough to take things from her, he can dispose of them before he gets to your house.

Elleherd · 23/12/2022 13:44

That's not about hoarding disorder even though it involves 'stuff' from it.

Forcing it on others as supposed presents after being asked not to, is about control, not hoarding.

It's no different from someone continuously sending someone they know to be vegetarian, animal products and calling them gifts because they can get it cheap, and on top of that saying they're ungrateful for not accepting it happily. Try other analogies, and hopefully it will help you see what's actually going on here.

You've told her to stop offloading it onto you, and she's refusing.

Your ex is enabling her.

Two options: return it ALL every time, or if you can't stop ex from giving it to the kids , inform her it will ALL be going in the bin every time.

Elleherd · 23/12/2022 13:48

If she knows it's going to end up in a charity shop. she's more likely to be ok with that, than it becoming her problem again, or destroyed.