Ex MIL’s hoarding

[SantasBigToe]

I have posted about this before under several different usernames. It always flares up at Christmas, but happens throughout the year to a lesser extent. Ex MIL is a hoarder. She sends us a lot of her hoarded junk, at every opportunity, especially Christmas. I have asked her multiple times, and in as kind a way as possible, to please stop. She spoke to me months ago about a stack of books she wanted to send for Christmas. I asked her not to. One was a book I already own. I told her this. She has sent it anyway. One book is for dd and quite inappropriate for her age. Ex MIL warned me before sending and I asked her not to send it. She sent it anyway.
AIBU (or ungrateful) to dump them at the nearest charity shop? I am fed up with the boxes and boxes of old junk and second hand clothes she keeps sending (that she finds on eBay and in charity shops). She doesn’t have much money, but what she does have she spends on “bargains” that she either hoards or sends to us. She calls me rude and ungrateful when I ask her to stop sending us her junk. So far this month she had sent 5 small boxes of ornaments, a big bag of clothes and the 6 books.
The last time I posted about this the advice was to give it all to my ex to deal with. I have been doing this, but the kids still end up with it and it works its way back to our house.

She is your EX-MiL for a reason.

You don't have to accept anything that she sends. Send it with the kids when they visit their father, or put it straight into your recycling bin.

If she texts you/emails you/phones you asking if you got it, reply with "Yes, Alice, I got the book/jumper/whatever, but as I've already told you to stop sending these things to me and to the kids, it has gone in to the recycling bin/clothes recycling. Stop sending them these things. Stop sending me these things. We do not want them. They are going into the bin as we didn't ask for them and we don't want them".

If she goes off on one (either by complaining that you're ungrateful/crying that she is only trying to be nice) refuse to deal with it. She is nothing to you (I know she is grandmother to your children but visits/communications should be through your Ex only. ).

At the moment you're showing your children that granny can stomp all over what you want and your wishes. Time to get her to stop doing that and start setting a better example to your children.

Time to establish healthy boundaries!

I hear you OP but you shouldn't let her hold you to ransom like this
the reason she's doing it is because she knows you need her help or you want her involved with the grandchildren
I have to ask the question why would you want a nasty person like her like her involved with your children?

My mil is like this. My husband warned me but I didn't really see it until our son was born and she would drop off bags of (mainly useless) stuff when visiting. He just told her to stop. And when she didn't he started handing it back to her at the door when she left. She still does it , but it either gets handed back or binned. We live in a flat and have no space for her shit.

We don't have any magic words that you can say that will stop her doing this. That's because there are no magic words that will stop her doing this.

Instead stop feeling bad about throwing crap in the bin. You didn't buy it and you don't want it. Just throw it away. It was destined for landfill when it was made and you just happen to be the last person touching it. Treat the whole thing as an unpleasant chore - she sends stuff over by recorded delivery, you put it in the bin. Either tell her or don't tell her, I don't think it's likely to make much difference.

With your ex, I think you're on much firmer ground to say that he must deal with his own mother and the stuff she gives him himself.

But really, accepting that you cannot change this behaviour and finding a way to live with throwing all the crap away immediately it's in your possession is probably your best bet.

I could have written this myself!!! This year the kids have been given four baby cutlery sets. (3 and 4 years old).
I opened the present bags to check what was appropriate etc. But we also get this throughout the year. 🙄i feel your pain

A friend of mine let a family member stay with her while her house was being sorted through (hoarder that couldn't even get into her own kitchen) , the family member started hoarding junk at her house and she had to ask her to leave.

Sometimes, you need to be blunt.

@SantasBigToe ok, so from your last post, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the situation:

1. You know that any efforts you've made so far to put a stop to this do not work and will continue to fail.
2. You are not willing to employ any other, more stringent, strategies to stop this behaviour because of the potential fallout with exMIL who is generally capable of pretty nasty.
3. So all you really want/need from your repeated posts over the years on here is a chance to vent about a frustrating situation

Is that right? If so, you're just looking for sympathetic ears without the avalanche of suggestions from PP about what to do next? What would you ideally like us all to say? Poor you, how annoying, don't worry, come back and have a whinge any time you feel like it. For years. And years. Ugh.

Sorry, what’s your problem with me posting about it (twice in 5 years)?! 🙄
I didn’t realise AIBU was being policed for multiple winges.

She's your EX MiL

Why are you putting up with it?
Do you have to sign for Recorded delivery? If so, refuse it.

And I highly doubt any charity shops want it either!

@SantasBigToe
I think some on here are being mean, OP, I dont think that is deserved at all!
But can you say why you feel unable to stand up to her?
I would shut her down in a heartbeat.

She’s in her 70s, lives alone, lost both her parents over the past year. I feel bad enough having argued with her about it so often. I really can’t tell if it’s her needing to feel useful in her own way, or a control thing (as several pp have said). If the latter, if I was sure it was this, yes I would just return every damn thing to sender.

OP, what you've said makes me think that you feel some kind of duty towards her, is there a way for you to give her the support that you feel you ought to whilst at the same time stopping her from dumping things on you?
Is there a way for you to be kind but also firm?

That’s really why I posted. I have been verbally firm and she has ignored me. Returning the parcels would upset her, especially the crap she sends for the kids. I have tried to tell her to save her money instead of wasting it on stuff that we don’t want or need. She persists with the behaviour.

Right, I understand now. You’re going to carry on letting her do it. That’s a real shame.

👏

Then dump it on your ex and let him deal with it.

But otherwise, don't even look at it - straight to the tip

As hoarding is a form of mental illness I think some of the replies have been harsh. Or is hoarding like being fat, different rules apply.

Yep, different rules. My mother's obesity made fuck all difference to the filthy, flea infested, stinking and dangerous physical environment I was forced to grow up in, for a start.

You are all too nice. I'd shove it in the car, and not so neatly pile it up on her doorstep and let her deal with it

She doesn’t live near us. 7 hr drive. I think that’s one reason I’ve put up with it for so long. She doesn’t see the kids often and I feel a bit sorry for her. She has a bad relationship with most people and is very much alone. Not my responsibility, I know.

@SantasBigToe
'I have posted about this before under several different usernames.'

This was your very first sentence on your first post on this thread. That clearly implies more than 2 threads in 5 years.

Anyway,I'm not policing you. I was just expressing an opinion, kinda the point of this whole Mumsnet thing. And then I wasn't going to come back to the thread I'm not so patient with people that moan but don't change things. Nothing personal.

Just popped back as you directly tagged me, but I'm off to enjoy the rest of Christmas. Hope you do too. Peace, out.

Well no it doesn’t clearly imply that. Thrice in 10 years perhaps?
Merry Christmas!

YANBU. This would drive me insane and is completely unacceptable. Take the stuff to the charity shop. Encourage her to seek help for her hoarding disorder- it is recognised as a mental health disorder now and she should receive support with it as it sounds like she is quite unwell.

My FIL is a hoarder to the extent that you can’t even sit anywhere. You can literally stand in the kitchen and that’s it. He has a chair to sleep in. DH had spoken to him about it but nothing. When he passes away, DH is just going to hire a skip and Chuck a lot of it away as there is far too much to list for probable. We’d be there for months.

*probate