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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex MIL’s hoarding

108 replies

SantasBigToe · 23/12/2022 11:55

I have posted about this before under several different usernames. It always flares up at Christmas, but happens throughout the year to a lesser extent. Ex MIL is a hoarder. She sends us a lot of her hoarded junk, at every opportunity, especially Christmas. I have asked her multiple times, and in as kind a way as possible, to please stop. She spoke to me months ago about a stack of books she wanted to send for Christmas. I asked her not to. One was a book I already own. I told her this. She has sent it anyway. One book is for dd and quite inappropriate for her age. Ex MIL warned me before sending and I asked her not to send it. She sent it anyway.
AIBU (or ungrateful) to dump them at the nearest charity shop? I am fed up with the boxes and boxes of old junk and second hand clothes she keeps sending (that she finds on eBay and in charity shops). She doesn’t have much money, but what she does have she spends on “bargains” that she either hoards or sends to us. She calls me rude and ungrateful when I ask her to stop sending us her junk. So far this month she had sent 5 small boxes of ornaments, a big bag of clothes and the 6 books.
The last time I posted about this the advice was to give it all to my ex to deal with. I have been doing this, but the kids still end up with it and it works its way back to our house.

OP posts:

AliceOlive · 25/12/2022 07:30

You have a right to vent!

It’s an illness and she’s an addict. You can’t control it. I would just take everything straight to the charity shop

MinnieGirl · 25/12/2022 10:06

AliceOlive · 25/12/2022 07:30

You have a right to vent!

It’s an illness and she’s an addict. You can’t control it. I would just take everything straight to the charity shop

The charity shop won’t want most of it by the sound of it.
Best thing is to just bin it immediately so it never comes into the house.
And when she txts that you haven’t said thank you, just ignore it.

JFDIYOLO · 03/01/2023 01:04

Send post straight back to her. I'd get some 'return to sender - sender to pay' labels with her name and address ready to slap straight on each one as arrives so it doesn't touch the ground in your home.

Any bin bags etc that arrive - straight in the car and photograph them going in the tip, send her the photos.

No more charity shop runs. That's an extra bit of work for you because you'd want to sort it to ensure nothing dirty or unpleasant having to be sorted by the volunteers.

Original poster

SantasBigToe · 03/01/2023 19:39

A little update. Had the same text conversation today when she asked did I receive the book, again. She said I was very rude for not having thanked her for it. I said it’s staying at ex’s as I have no space for a book I don’t need or want and that I specifically asked her not to send. She then told me I should take my own advice and not buy myself any books (because I told her I had already bought the book she wanted to send) ! I replied that I am not a child and can buy whatever I want for myself, and she should have some respect for my wishes and stop sending me her junk (which, in her own words, has been in her spare room for years). She told me to take it to a charity shop. I told her to cut out the middle man and take her own junk to the charity shop in the first place!!

She added that we were all rude for not thanking her for the other gifts she sent (mugs and T-shirt’s off eBay) even though we FaceTimed her on Christmas Day and the kids thanked her for them!! She paid £12 per mug, plus £5 postage to her (each) and again to send to us..so each mug cost her over £20! I told her that it’s ridiculous, especially as we now have 26 mugs between three of us, at least half of which have come from her.

I can’t possibly make it any more clear to her that I don’t want her sending us her junk. I have told her that I am going to box up our own junk (originally destined for charity) and send it to her instead. And I absolutely will.

OP posts:

HauntedAbbey · 03/01/2023 19:54

Actions speak louder than words (and your words are clearly NOT being listened to).

REFUSE the deliveries each and every time. You do NOT have to accept recorded delivery parcels, or indeed any parcels. Let Royal Mail return to sender.

Before opening the door to your ex ensure he has no bags/boxes. If he does -simply don't allow him in.

Repeat until this nonsense stops.

Stand up for yourself! I would simply not have this stress in my life.

IncompleteSenten · 03/01/2023 21:36

What if you said to her I'm not thanking you because I'm not grateful that you keep posting me your rubbish even though I have told you not to

BornBlonde · 05/01/2023 20:40

ToffeeNotCoffee · 23/12/2022 13:52

Ask her if she remembers you asking her to stop. If so, ask her why has she done it again ? It's pretty much harassment. Ask her how she would feel if someone did it to her. If not with 'stuff' just unwanted attention of any sort.

Ask her plainly, 'what do I have to do to stop you sending this/these to me ?' You know I don't want it. Do not throw, 'ungrateful' at me. I have told you I do not want it. Will you see a doctor about your hoarding please because I'm past being nice about it.

So, do I take it that you will not stop ? That's not very nice behaviour ? Are you refusing to stop doing this ?

These things may seem special to you because they are part of your hoard. I just see...insert description of unwanted items.

She has no intention of stopping. I think hoarding by proxy is an actual psychological disorder.

Anything turns up and you recognise it as coming from her, return it to sender. Postage to be paid by recipient.

Tell her it's harassment and like any other complaint of harassment you will be reporting it to the Police. Laugh me out of town if that's what it takes, then so be it. A cease and desist letter from a lawyer ?

Good advice from @ToffeeNotCoffee

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/01/2023 21:19

MinnieGirl · 23/12/2022 13:43

Roll of bin liners ready by the front door. Don’t even open her parcels, you know what they are…. Rip off the address label, and just stick the parcel straight in the outside bin. Don’t open it, dont take it inside your house. And if she says you are rude and ungrateful, tell her straight. You’ve asked her nicely not to send things as they aren’t suitable. You are not grateful and it makes work for you having to dispose of them. And tell your ex in no uncertain terms that if he is daft enough to take things from her, he can dispose of them before he gets to your house.

Why use bin liners for stuff that's going straight in the outside bin? Not very good for the environment

Anyway it's better to open and recycle really.

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