Ex MIL’s hoarding

[SantasBigToe]

I have posted about this before under several different usernames. It always flares up at Christmas, but happens throughout the year to a lesser extent. Ex MIL is a hoarder. She sends us a lot of her hoarded junk, at every opportunity, especially Christmas. I have asked her multiple times, and in as kind a way as possible, to please stop. She spoke to me months ago about a stack of books she wanted to send for Christmas. I asked her not to. One was a book I already own. I told her this. She has sent it anyway. One book is for dd and quite inappropriate for her age. Ex MIL warned me before sending and I asked her not to send it. She sent it anyway.
AIBU (or ungrateful) to dump them at the nearest charity shop? I am fed up with the boxes and boxes of old junk and second hand clothes she keeps sending (that she finds on eBay and in charity shops). She doesn’t have much money, but what she does have she spends on “bargains” that she either hoards or sends to us. She calls me rude and ungrateful when I ask her to stop sending us her junk. So far this month she had sent 5 small boxes of ornaments, a big bag of clothes and the 6 books.
The last time I posted about this the advice was to give it all to my ex to deal with. I have been doing this, but the kids still end up with it and it works its way back to our house.

Ask her if she remembers you asking her to stop. If so, ask her why has she done it again ? It's pretty much harassment. Ask her how she would feel if someone did it to her. If not with 'stuff' just unwanted attention of any sort.

Ask her plainly, 'what do I have to do to stop you sending this/these to me ?' You know I don't want it. Do not throw, 'ungrateful' at me. I have told you I do not want it. Will you see a doctor about your hoarding please because I'm past being nice about it.

So, do I take it that you will not stop ? That's not very nice behaviour ? Are you refusing to stop doing this ?

These things may seem special to you because they are part of your hoard. I just see...insert description of unwanted items.

She has no intention of stopping. I think hoarding by proxy is an actual psychological disorder.

Anything turns up and you recognise it as coming from her, return it to sender. Postage to be paid by recipient.

Tell her it's harassment and like any other complaint of harassment you will be reporting it to the Police. Laugh me out of town if that's what it takes, then so be it. A cease and desist letter from a lawyer ?

Next time she contacts you to tell you about another bargain find, tell her that you don't want it - and that if she sends it you will put it in the bin.

If she's offended by this, then point out that you have repeatedly told her that you don't want these things and yet she ignores you and sends them anyway. Therefore the only way to deal with this is to bin them.

If your Ex tries to palm off a load of crap, refuse to accept it. Make it his problem. If he moans about being left with it - well he needs to bin it and perhaps he'll think twice about accepting bags of unwanted tat in the first place.

Truthfully, this is a you problem. You're not taking control of the situation. You tell her that anything she sends will either go straight into the bin or go to a charity shop. If she sends something, call or text her immediately and tell her you have already binned it. You have to get very, very tough with people like this.

She's definitely got some sort of obsessive disorder. As others have said, if she can't keep acquiring stuff for herself, she's just acquiring it for you instead, and kidding herself it's useful. You've told her clearly that you don't want things and she is ignoring that - the fact that she sent you a book even though she KNOWS you've already got a copy is the giveaway here. That's not the same as someone who just keeps sending gifts that are misjudged or excessive - that's someone who literally cannot resist a compulsion to acquire crap and foist it on others. I'd say she's more of a compulsive shopper than a compulsive hoarder. She can't stop buying stuff and then doesn't know what to do with it when she's bought it. My colleague's mum is a bit like this.

It doesn't sound as if talking to her has done any good whatsoever, so yes, you need to take this stuff to the charity shop or the tip. If she gives stuff to your ex to give to you, tell him you're not accepting it and that he needs to get rid of it himself. If she sends you stuff directly, take it straight to the charity shop or bin it. Don't acknowledge that you've received it. If she asks you, say 'We couldn't really use any of it and we don't have space for any more stuff, so it went to the charity shop. As I've said before, I'd rather you didn't send things.' She may well think you're ungrateful, but so what?

Yes, definitely a compulsive shopper, always looking for “bargains”. She’ll pay £20 plus £6 postage for a shit second hand jumper that doesn’t fit her and then try’s to offload it on me. She could buy a nice “new” jumper for that price! She has in the past sent the kids various adult handbags that she has purchased off eBay over the years and just stashed in her spare room. She has sent me crop tops (I’m a middle aged mum with large belly), and (as I mentioned before) dirty clothes. She has bags and bags of the stuff in her spare room, waiting for an occasion to offload upon us.

Tries! Not try’s!

She sends it all recorded delivery so that she can make sure it is delivered. She then texts me to ask if I got it, because she can see it has been delivered and I have not yet “thanked” her for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you've made it clear to her you do not want it, then I'd reply saying yes I've received it and thank you but its not necessary and so you have taken it to a local charity.

It’s horsing. I would refuse to take delivery. She will be very upset. But that’s the controlling part of borders.
Will your ex support you ? I’m refusing the parcels? He may be the key to this.

Well tell her you are certainly not going to thank her for persisting in sending you stuff that you don't want and have repeatedly asked her to bloody STOP SENDING IT

Do you need to be in contact with her? Can you block her number/email?

Hoarders so this I'm afraid, the only way they are prepared to get rid of any of their hoard is to give it away.
My first husband is a hoarder and he keeps sending the stuff to my DS who is 40 now.
It drives him crackers. He burnt the last lot on a big bonfire and sent the photo to my ex.
I have no idea how my ex reacted to this but I bet he was really angry.

If she's a horder she's trying to relocate her things without parting with them completely. Classic horder stuff.

What she asking if you without saying it in words is 'please dispose of these things for me as I can't do it myself'.

That's it. Charity shop or the tip.

The only grind is she'll think she's doing you favour after favour by dumping stuff on you.

Two choices there.

1. Refuse the delivery so it gets sent back to her.
2. Accept the delivery and take it straight to the bin, drop it in and close the lid.

Come on, OP, if it's recorded delivery then you simply refuse the parcel. Every single time. I agree with PP who say this is a you problem. You said you've posted multiple times about the same problem. You've had great, simple, effective advice here. I'm guessing you've had the same advice on previous threads, so unless you are prepared to upset her further (which you will if you really want this to stop), then you're just going to have put up with it for as long as it pleases her to do it. I mean this kindly because it's clearly frustrating you, but you'll need to find your big girl pants or just accept it.

Cuddly toys from the 90s covered in inches of dust, moth eaten books and clothes. She recently sent us some items of clothing off eBay that were filthy and huge sizes.

Please don't dump this kind of thing on charity shops. They don't deserve the extra hassle of dealing with your ex-MIL's crap. They can't sell rubbish like that without spending a lot of time and energy on it - and it's probably not worth that in the end. Just bin crud like this.

If she's sending things recorded delivery or tracked, refuse to accept them at the door. If the postie signs for them and leaves them (they shouldn't but it's not unknown) just bin them. Tell her you will be doing this with anything she sends you as you have told her to stop.

So refuse delivery.

She's your ex MIL. Be tough. Either refuse every parcel or take straight to the charity shop. Tell her every time that the stuff is unwelcome.

That sounds like truly awful behaviour. If it's recorded deliveries - refuse, every time. Write her a letter, write your ex a letter - tell them it is not up for discussion, if they consider that you are rude, then they have a right to think that but it will not change your stance on this.

Put some money away to rewrap parcel and send back recorded delivery.

Refuse delivery if recorded.

Bring it back and leave at her door.

I know it's not easy, and it appears that you do not want to offend her or something. She does not care if she is driving you crackers, so bite the bullet and do one of the above. What's the worst that can happen? She cuts contact? She is your EX MOTHER IN LAW, EX EX EX. Do it. It will empower you.

I'd donate it all to her local charity shops. Eventually the penny will drop.

Send it all straight to charity. She gets to give, you save yourself the effort of asking her not to send it, and ultimately someone will benefit.

At this stage you won’t change her behaviour.

If she is doing it out of kindness, I would just thank her and then take it to the charity shop.

Exactly this. The ex should absolutely not be enabling this.
I remember your previous thread. You have to be prepared to get much tougher and to be prepared to “upset” both this very sick woman and your spineless ex. Refuse every delivery. If anything just appears on your doorstep, take it back and dump it on hers. Literally on her doorstep so it’s in the way, and leave a stern letter with it. Or throw it on her garden, or in her wheelie bin. Get angry with her, really angry. Get angry with your ex too.
Don’t give it back to the charity shops, it just gives them more work to do.

The why is that she's a hoarder.
She will never stop.
It is up to you to take control.
Refuse to accept parcels at the door - you can do that. They are returned to the sender.
Tell her anything sent to your home will be thrown straight in the bin.
Don't let your ex set one foot inside your home with bags of shit from her. Tell him he either takes it to his place or puts it directly into your bin.

Unless you are willing to stop her, nothing will change.