To point out his lack of personal hygiene...

[VixenCometCupid]

I've been in a relationship for a few months, and there is something that has got progressively worse.

Personal hygiene.

At first he smelled great, always showered, cleaned his teeth, wore aftershave etc.

Over the past month I would say, he's seized to do all of the above. He smells so bad I have to air the room when he leaves. He will go to bed in his clothes and wear them the next day. His hands are black like he's been working all day. Greasy hair, awful breath, body odour, the worst smelling feet!!

It puts me off so much, I'm only attracted to him when he's fresh out the shower in clean clothes.

How can someone be like that? It makes me feel physically sick. He also is constantly 'phlegming' so breathes in his snot and swallows it. I've told him to stop so many times but it's almost like a habit, or he says he 'has a cold'.

Even writing this my stomach is turning, and I'm sorry if I've put you off your breakfast.

What do say to him? I've not been spending time with him as much recently, and sex isn't happening. I'm really attracted to him when he's clean as he it's an extremely good looking bloke. But he's just let himself completely go.
I'm at my wits end, I can't cope with it anymore.
Help!!!

You need to tell him bluntly, @VixenCometCupid.

I have depression and long covid, and I shower every other day. On the days I don’t shower, I have a good stand up wash, and wash my hair. I wear clean clothes, and use a good antiperspirant and a nice perfume. If I can, so can he.

This is just one of many reasons why I’m a lesbian 😂 No seriously though this is grim. Stinking so bad you can even sleep with him and you’ve only been together a few months? You should still be in that honeymoon phase where you can’t keep your hands off eachother. He actually sounds like my ex husband 😂 although it took him 10 years to turn into this. If it was me I’d ditch him and go bat for the other team, men are grim 😆 (don’t come for me I’m a proud misandrist you can’t change my mind 😆 I know some men are wonderful, my dad is, but I’ve not met another one yet who is 😂)

If I can, so can he.

No. It's not how health - specifically mental health - works.

I'm trying to imagine my DP suddenly being in this situation and I wouldn't just turf him out if it was severe mental health issues that were the root cause and would try and support/encourage him to seek help and address the personal hygiene issue.

BUT we have been together 30 years, are married, have a home and children together - IMO a relationship shouldn't be this hard and unless you can see him changing I would walk away whilst you don't have any joint commitments.

What I should have said is that I know it is really hard to make yourself keep up a basic level of hygiene, but I believe it is possible. And the benefits for my mental health make the effort worth it - even if it takes most of my spoons for the day.

What do say to him?

"You're dumped"?

TELL HIM he's a dirty, sweaty, stinking pig (he is)

3 years or 3 months his personal hygiene got worse within the the first year anyway, it's not something that has recently come on.
& I didn't want to be questioned on why I've been with him for so long if this is the case.
I don't know why he's happy walking around literally stinking. My sister commented on it a couple of years ago.
If I can smell it then so can his mum? (He lives with her) why doesn't she tell him?

It literally makes me not want to be around him, whenever he is due to come over I say have you showered etc. if I have the conversation with him I can tell it will turn into an argument as he's in denial. 'I've never got any clean clothes' being one of them. Or 'it's too cold to shower'.

So you've been with him for about 2 years while this is happening. So it's up to you to decide if you want to carry on with him or not.

Again from your recent post, it's either chronic depression or it's just who he is. Either way, he needs help and it's up to him to choose to seek/accept.

You clearly don't understand how depression effects different people in different ways. Just because you can do it means nothing.

If he's in denial then all the name calling you're being advised to hurl at him won't change a thing. Sorry, you have a decision to make. You know it's not going to change. What ever the reason he has sunk so low in his own self worth, this has become his normal. Time to let him go with kindness and move on. Honestly the hostility and ignorance toward someone who clearly isn't coping with life on this thread is utterly obscene and really very unpleasant.

Where's the 'Be kind' brigade this time?

If he replies 'no' to the 'have you showered' question, then say you can't see him til he does and wears clean clothes. Does he work? Does he go to work like this?
Plus the fact he lives with his mother - how old is he? How does he support himself? Does he pay rent?
This seems deeper than depression - a friend who had similar lack of self care and hygiene was in and out of a psychiatric hospital with depression, anxiety and other issues.

I'm sorry OP, he sounds disgusting. He might have depression, but that doesn't mean you have to have him smelling out your house. He doesn't respect you enough to have a wash or brush his teeth before seeing you. Please respect yourself enough to tell him and if he doesn't change it instantly, permanently, let him go.

We’re here. Just advocating self preservation, for someone who has put up, for 2 YEARS, with a partner who lives with his mum and doesn’t practice the most basic hygiene. The most basic! She has to air out the room after he’s been there fgs! How much kinder do you want her to be?

Which means nothing. Not every person with depression functions the same way as your partner. Depression is not a one size fits all. Many sufferers struggle to even get out of bed let alone wash. They give up on the most basic functions of personal hygiene and go into denial to protect themselves from the sort of judgey replies in real life that we are seeing on here.

I think you must have real low self esteem to set the bar so low. He has been like this 2yrs and now it's an issue ??

Most women would be long gone . If you can't even keep yourself clean for your partner there is nothing else you could offer to overcome this. Yuk

What do you say to him? You say what you've said here. That he

"smells so bad I have to air the room when he leaves. ...Greasy hair, awful breath, body odour, the worst smelling feet!! ... It makes me feel physically sick. ... I can't cope with it anymore."

You be brutally honest and tell him exactly that. You can't cope with it any more. You've been patient, but enough is enough and he either cleans himself up and STAYS clean, or - this relationship is over the first time he smells. No ifs, no buts. Clean up or go. (He probably won't, but I think you'll feel better about it if you give him the 'chance'.)

And frankly, you need to have a damned good think as to why you've put up with this for - two years or so? Just - why? Not having a go at you, because there are several possible answers. Maybe you've been brought up to 'be kind'? Have low self-esteem and are grateful for his presence in your life, even his smelly presence? Felt pity for him? Thought it was something he'd snap out of and were patiently waiting, but the longer it went on the less able to raise it you felt? Lack the confidence to raise it when he's so defensive? Think about it, work out your personal 'why', and consider what you need to do to stop yourself from getting into a situation like this again.

He doesn't need a girlfriend he needs serious mental health provision.

It's not your job to make him better, it's the NHS's job.

If you were my friend/family I'd be strongly urging you to break free from him. I have no idea why you would remain in a relationship' with him - or what you get from this arrangement?

Well, as it's only women who get told to do this....we can usually work out it's pretty meaningless.

Does he get up and go to work? He doesn't seem in a good place at all op especially as he used to care. He needs help not being called a pig.

It's not up to you to help him though. He needs to want to help himself.

But also we don’t have to sacrifice our life and mental health for someone else’s. She cannot force him to get help, in fact she may be enabling him by continuing.

I could accept this for a short period of time as a symptom of depression but I would expect him to take steps to deal with the depression (eg medication/talking therapy etc) but honestly there would come a point where this became a deal breaker for me. If it's not to do with depression and he's just got very poor hygiene standards I would be stepping away from the relationship personally.

If you can so can he? What does that even mean. Do you know him? Depression impact different people in different ways. You have no right to say that about anybody

How old is he?