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Original poster

To point out his lack of personal hygiene...

145 replies

VixenCometCupid · 22/12/2022 09:57

I've been in a relationship for a few months, and there is something that has got progressively worse.

Personal hygiene.

At first he smelled great, always showered, cleaned his teeth, wore aftershave etc.

Over the past month I would say, he's seized to do all of the above. He smells so bad I have to air the room when he leaves. He will go to bed in his clothes and wear them the next day. His hands are black like he's been working all day. Greasy hair, awful breath, body odour, the worst smelling feet!!

It puts me off so much, I'm only attracted to him when he's fresh out the shower in clean clothes.

How can someone be like that? It makes me feel physically sick. He also is constantly 'phlegming' so breathes in his snot and swallows it. I've told him to stop so many times but it's almost like a habit, or he says he 'has a cold'.

Even writing this my stomach is turning, and I'm sorry if I've put you off your breakfast.

What do say to him? I've not been spending time with him as much recently, and sex isn't happening. I'm really attracted to him when he's clean as he it's an extremely good looking bloke. But he's just let himself completely go.
I'm at my wits end, I can't cope with it anymore.
Help!!!

OP posts:
dcut · 22/12/2022 12:02

I really wish people wouldn't "fib" in the OP. Why did you think you would get more nasty responses if you said you'd been together 3 years? All you've done is caused confusion. Not everyone reads all of the OP's posts - they should, but they don't. That means you get at least half of the posters talking about a situation of poor body odour in a person you've been seeing for a few months - in that case it's pretty much cut your losses and dump, not your problem to fix, why should you put up with that, imagine how bad it's going to be after a few years.

It changes things when you say you've been together 3 years. When exactly did it start getting worse and what triggered it? You say he has depression and anxiety - what medical help is he getting for this? Is he taking any steps to manage it?
Have you sat down and talked to him and said that it's absolutely non-negotiable that he brushes his teeth twice a day, showers and wears clean clothes each day? What can he do to ensure that happens? Does he need more mental health support from the GP? etc.
With a three year relationship I'd be trying to get to the bottom of it rather than an instant ltb. But if he is unwilling or incapable of making the changes I would leave because it's unbearable - I had an ex who was like this (wonder if it's the same guy!) and in the end I just didn't want to put up with it any more.

Nagado · 22/12/2022 12:05

I know he has depression and intense anxiety, but I know a lot of people who suffer with mental health who still maintain a basic level of personal hygiene

I find on the days I'm struggling, if I bathe, shave everything from the eyebrows down, moisturise and do a face mask it does make me feel a lot better

I’m going to go against the grain a bit here. How much understanding do you have of depression? Because I find on the days I’m struggling, I can’t get out of bed to get a glass of water, let alone take care of hair removal and skin care. It’s not the case that because you and the people you know manage, that your boyfriend should be able to as well.

Having said that, I’m not suggesting that you should overlook his hygiene if it’s making things unpleasant for you. You absolutely have a right not to be repulsed by a partner. Has he seen his GP? Is he on medication? If so, how long has it been? Has he had a medication review? Because if his poor hygiene is caused by depression rather than laziness, the medication clearly needs adjustment. After 3 years I’d be inclined to look at this first, before leaving him. But if he’s done that and it still isn’t improving, then you have the choice of either giving him an ultimatum to start washing or you’ll be ending things. The phlegm thing would be enough to tip me over the edge but maybe that’s a nervous thing.

DenholmElliot11 · 22/12/2022 12:15

The only way I would tolerate this would be if I was desparate for a man.

butterfliedtwo · 22/12/2022 12:36

DenholmElliot11 · 22/12/2022 12:15

The only way I would tolerate this would be if I was desparate for a man.

No one should be that desperate. Raise your bar, OP. Tell him to seek help. If he won't, leave. It's not up to women to fix men.

ThanksAntsThants · 22/12/2022 12:37

You’ve only been seeing him a few months, which is no time at all, and he’s already reverted to being a dirty smelly pig. Honestly OP, why would you be interested in hanging around long enough to see if anything changes?

JoyBeorge · 22/12/2022 12:41

Unfortunately as much as a lot of people with anxiety and depression do manage basic personal hygiene, a lot don't because it stops being a priority to them. You say this has only become an issue of late. Has his mental health worsened lately? Has something changed coinciding with this deterioration?

JoyBeorge · 22/12/2022 12:47

Nagado · 22/12/2022 12:05

I know he has depression and intense anxiety, but I know a lot of people who suffer with mental health who still maintain a basic level of personal hygiene

I find on the days I'm struggling, if I bathe, shave everything from the eyebrows down, moisturise and do a face mask it does make me feel a lot better

I’m going to go against the grain a bit here. How much understanding do you have of depression? Because I find on the days I’m struggling, I can’t get out of bed to get a glass of water, let alone take care of hair removal and skin care. It’s not the case that because you and the people you know manage, that your boyfriend should be able to as well.

Having said that, I’m not suggesting that you should overlook his hygiene if it’s making things unpleasant for you. You absolutely have a right not to be repulsed by a partner. Has he seen his GP? Is he on medication? If so, how long has it been? Has he had a medication review? Because if his poor hygiene is caused by depression rather than laziness, the medication clearly needs adjustment. After 3 years I’d be inclined to look at this first, before leaving him. But if he’s done that and it still isn’t improving, then you have the choice of either giving him an ultimatum to start washing or you’ll be ending things. The phlegm thing would be enough to tip me over the edge but maybe that’s a nervous thing.

That's my thinking too, rather than all of the get rid of the filthy pig stuff. As you say, on the worst days with depression some people can't even motivate themselves to get out of bed let alone wash. Jeez where did all the tolerance and understanding of mental illness go round here? OP if this really isn't for you I'm afraid you need to tell him but be prepared he may be crushed to hear it so be gentle especially if his anxiety and depression have worsened. Because we live in an enlightened society don't we ladies? Where we don't slag the mentally ill off when they are already feeling in the gutter and have given up on even looking after themselves...

butterfliedtwo · 22/12/2022 12:47

ThanksAntsThants · 22/12/2022 12:37

You’ve only been seeing him a few months, which is no time at all, and he’s already reverted to being a dirty smelly pig. Honestly OP, why would you be interested in hanging around long enough to see if anything changes?

She updated to say it is 3 years.

dcut · 22/12/2022 12:56

That's my thinking too, rather than all of the get rid of the filthy pig stuff. As you say, on the worst days with depression some people can't even motivate themselves to get out of bed let alone wash. Jeez where did all the tolerance and understanding of mental illness go round here?

Tbf the OP did not help the situation by "fibbing" in the OP saying that the relationship was a few months - a lot of the "get rid of the filthy pig stuff" is coming from posters who haven't read the update of it being a 3 year relationship and that the man suffers with anxiety and depression.
If she'd been honest in the OP I think more people might have responded differently with posts about trying to get to the bottom of the mental health issues first and giving him more of a chance before leaving.

Frankly if I was in a relationship with someone for a few months they'd be out the door if their personal hygiene was poor. Different kettle of fish if I#d been with someone several years and it started to deteriorate. I'd still leave (and this did happen with an ex) if after attempts to tackle the depression and anxiety and improve the personal hygiene still failed.

purpledalmation · 22/12/2022 13:03

Say nothing. End it. If he's so disgusting after a short time do you really think a few words will change things?

Greenfairydust · 22/12/2022 13:04

I always think that a grown man should not need to be told to improve his hygiene.

I would dump him immediately and actually I would never consider a man with poor hygiene to start with.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 22/12/2022 13:06

It's astounding to see the lengths women will go in our society just to have a relationship. Can you imagine a man enduring this sort of thing?

OP, women are not rehabilitation centres for defective men. You're allowed to have your own life, clean and pleasant, and not be a carer for an adult you didn't even know three years ago.

LaBellina · 22/12/2022 13:08

Oh dear lord NO.

People didn’t make themselves so I don’t expect or want a super handsome guy but hygiene is a choice and for me it’s non negotiable. It’s sad for him that he has MH issues but it’s not your job to put up with this. Women are not rehabilitation centers or automatically carers for men with issues.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/12/2022 13:12

Why the drip feed.

Therealjudgejudy · 22/12/2022 13:15

@Aquamarine1029 has as usual nailed it.

Get rid.

Ackity · 22/12/2022 13:16

get rid.

BMW6 · 22/12/2022 13:23

Well I certainly wouldn't be kissing him let alone getting in bed with him.

It's high time for The Talk. You understand he's depressed but he resumes cleaning himself daily and thoroughly or the relationship is over.

3 months, 3 years or 30 years makes no difference.

purpledalmation · 22/12/2022 13:33

If his depression is being treated mentally give him a deadline. Depression really does affect the ability to self care. If after your deadline it's the same, get out you can't live with chronic depression. Don't say anything to him, except maybe a gentle reminder.

Hobbesmanc · 22/12/2022 14:25

There's some really unpleasant terminology in some posts. Nasty pig, ape, defective.

If he has mental health issues or low self esteem, we should be encouraging the poster to support him

LaBellina · 22/12/2022 14:54

As much as I disagree with using downgrading names, the only thing that the OP should really support in this case are her own boundaries.

W0tnow · 22/12/2022 14:59

Hobbesmanc · 22/12/2022 14:25

There's some really unpleasant terminology in some posts. Nasty pig, ape, defective.

If he has mental health issues or low self esteem, we should be encouraging the poster to support him

For how long, exactly?

TheHarpySings · 22/12/2022 15:02

Dump him. Do you want to waste more years on a stinky, filthy man.

his mental illness is not your responsibility, you are not his mother and you owe him the square root of fuck all.

SommerTen · 22/12/2022 15:03

To be honest I suffer from a mental illness & even though I take my meds I do get periods when I'm depressed or paranoid., and my personal hygiene can begin to slide.
When you're depressed it's hard as one pp said, to even bother to get a glass of water.

But those around me are kind enough to gently tell me before things go too far.. and if I did have a partner I cared about I would be so paranoid about them going off me that if I couldn't keep up my hygiene I would stay away from them while I was depressed, then deal with the depression.

@VixenCometCupid have you spoken to DP about his hygiene & the reasons he's let it drop?? After 3 years you should be able to have a conversation about it.
It does sound as if he may be depressed and i would encourage him to do something about that.... eg see the dr & increase meds if relevant.
If I were you I could seriously not see a future with him otherwise.

Whataretheodds · 22/12/2022 15:12

Very misleading OP, OP!

Is he getting treatment for his depression and anxiety? Is he being honest with clinicians? Taking meds, if applicable ?
Have you had any conversation with him about his personal hygiene?

HippeePrincess · 22/12/2022 15:35

Good god I hope none of my patients have most of you lot as their social network!

OP what help is he accessing for his mental illnesses and is he taking medication?
at 3 months I would say it’s not your problem but after 3 years and if this is out of character which it sounds like it might be, then I’d be looking into how you can support him become well.

if it was physical health stopping someone’s ability to complete self care you wouldn’t be getting these answers, mental illness is no different.