To be uncomfortable with this? DH friendship with another woman.§

[30yearsYounger]

Recently a woman has started to work in DP’s office and ever since she has all he does is talk about her. How difficult her life has been, how well she’s done to overcome all that she has, they always go for coffee/lunch together and they message each other constantly. She on the other hand is very needy, constantly being upset by someone, bursts into tears over minor things, and DP is always there for her. Thing is, she’s 30 years younger than him. I know that there’s surely no chance of her being interested in a bloke who is that much older, but she is the one doing a lot of the messaging when DP is at home, and I have no doubt that he is flattered by her attention.

I am certain nothing physical has happened, but this level of communication just makes me uncomfortable.

I have mentioned it to him and he became defensive. Said that of course there is nothing between them, she’s that much younger, etc etc and besides, he talks about others in the office, so why am I not uncomfortable about that? While he does talk about his other colleagues, this particular woman’s name comes up with regard to pretty much everything he talks about from work.

I saw a message from her flash up on his screen telling him what a wonderful friend he is, how she couldn’t have managed without him etc, I haven’t looked at his phone and I have no intentions of doing so.

So AIBU to not be comfortable with this?

I think she is certainly a threat to your relationship

I have 2 middle aged male friends who have a woman like this. There is absolutely no possibility that she wants them, but they absolutely would if they could .

She is happily stringing them along for all sorts of favours, lunches paid for, DIY done, lifts given and the silly old fools deserve it all.

I imagine this is a similar situation. She's quite needy and he's giving her what she needs on the off chance that he might get something back.

These middle aged men, never find a sad needy middle aged woman or a man their own age who needs such care, do they?

To be honest, the fact that he talks about her so much is a problem, in my opinion. Does he ever feel hesitant about talking about her so much? I mean, I always feel that it is inappropriate for me to talk a lot about another person who I could potentially be interested in, just out of respect for my wife.

Sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair… Nip it in the bud, tell your husband your not comfortable with the situation.

My DH had an emotional affair for about a year with his ex he stayed friends with and honestly it’s more painful than if he was to just go out and shag some random woman. It’s also that horrible grey area of ‘she’s just a friend’ and then being gaslighted to feel like your overreacting… And your really not!

Trust me on this. Nip it in the bud! Trust your gut feeling on this. Don’t let him gaslight you X

Of course she is after him. He is loving the attention. Personally I would be checking his phone . .

God, she sounds pathetic and awful.

I wouldn't like this at all, OP. Wonder if your husband would still be playing the knight in shining armour if she were middle-aged.

I expect your DH always pays for that coffee/lunch too. She is probably using him to get ahead.
Either way it’s not very nice for you to have to listen to how amazing this person is, on a regular basis.
Of course, if the roles were reversed you would be told you were controlling for wanting to stop their friendship….
There will be office gossip- he’s being a fool, no fool like an old fool.

I disagree with previous comments. There could be a parental role type thing going on considering she's 30 years younger? Why would your DH be interested in someone that young - assume she must be aged 20-30, and your DH 50-60.

I have had male friends at work with that age difference, and always viewed them as role models/parental figures, and I felt they were protective of me as possibly I reminded them of their daughters.

If a 50-60 year old man is interested in someone 30 years younger, he must be incredibly immature and I certainly wouldn't want them as my partner.

Always follow your gut and definitely check his phone! Why wouldn’t you??

Well if it were me I’d absolutely check his phone.

Either way I’d make it clear this emotional cheating has to stop.

Can you go to marriage counselling?

Even if nothing ever happened, his behaviour is ill-judged and will damage your relationship.

He might need some help to see that, though.

You're asking why a man would be interested in a young woman, a young woman giving him attention?

They’re always women, considerably younger that these men become confidantes for. Never 55 year old Kevin/Jane from accounts. If it is truly just friendship, it’s funny that isn’t it?

It also doesn’t seem to happen that older women have these kind of friendships with younger men. It’s daddy issues being acted out by the young woman, and suckerville for the mid life crisis older bloke.

Be very wary, the most unlikely people get together under the right circumstances.

Of course he is flattered and interested. He needs to ringfence his home life and stop messaging when he's off the clock. He's massively blurred the boundaries and also putting himself at risk if she decides that she's not happy with this style of interaction. So he needs to be aware that he's started an emotional affair, it is risking your marriage, he's at risk of sexually harassing this more junior colleague because there are power imbalances there even if she instigates it and it needs to stop.

If you still get the "but but but she's just any old colleague" then you know it's going to go further and she'll be pregnant in the year.

He needs to leave the office at the office and not infiltrate his home life. It is inappropriate.

If she is being remotely flirty then he will be interested. A young woman is a powerful lure to a middle aged bloke who probably last experienced something like this when he was chasing you!

keep an eye on it

@laurelbee

or more likely , you did.

No fool like an old fool.
In my 20’s I had old men sniffing around me and now DD is in her 20’s she has exactly the same.
It never changes despite the veneer of civilisation.

Wouldn’t be happy about this at all. Mentionitis and going for lunch together are huge red flags. He needs to stop that right away.

@laurelbee you sound unpleasant. You had a fling with someone's husband and you're trying to blame the wife?

It was you.

Mentionitis

giving away the factt one has a crushh by frequently mentioning the crushh_ object in an "innocent" context.