To be uncomfortable with this? DH friendship with another woman.§

[30yearsYounger]

Recently a woman has started to work in DP’s office and ever since she has all he does is talk about her. How difficult her life has been, how well she’s done to overcome all that she has, they always go for coffee/lunch together and they message each other constantly. She on the other hand is very needy, constantly being upset by someone, bursts into tears over minor things, and DP is always there for her. Thing is, she’s 30 years younger than him. I know that there’s surely no chance of her being interested in a bloke who is that much older, but she is the one doing a lot of the messaging when DP is at home, and I have no doubt that he is flattered by her attention.

I am certain nothing physical has happened, but this level of communication just makes me uncomfortable.

I have mentioned it to him and he became defensive. Said that of course there is nothing between them, she’s that much younger, etc etc and besides, he talks about others in the office, so why am I not uncomfortable about that? While he does talk about his other colleagues, this particular woman’s name comes up with regard to pretty much everything he talks about from work.

I saw a message from her flash up on his screen telling him what a wonderful friend he is, how she couldn’t have managed without him etc, I haven’t looked at his phone and I have no intentions of doing so.

So AIBU to not be comfortable with this?

It's a tale as old as time , attractive young woman, much older man. Man feels flattered.
Ends up losing everything because let's face it, when the sex wears off, what 25 year old woman wants a 50 year husband with more baggage than Heathrow terminal 2?

I didn't insinuate; I literally said "two". And I'm 35. If dementia is knocking on my door already I guess I am in big trouble.

You might have had 100 affairs with married men, but I would still only pity you and think you have some serious problems. Why go after a married man? That's what enlivens your life, is it?

@laurelbee you will be ag(e)ing one day. You sound massively insecure.

Oh, let me try to cast my mind back all those years. It will be a struggle. You're funny 👍

Constant messaging is massively inappropriate. And if she’s only started working there ‘recently’, as you say, it’s not a normal friendship for it to have blown up so quickly. I would never have messaged an older, male colleague like this. It’s already inappropriate and in danger of becoming more so

@laurelbee is getting her comments deleted on multiple threads. What a little ray of sunshine she is

It's never Hairy Mike, is it?

I actually think even if neither of them have any plans to sleep with each other it's still inappropriate from an emotional perspective. They're far too intimate for friends who only met recently.

Am I wrong to be intrigued to know what the deleted posts were all about?

Someone was trolling your thread. I’d had enough and reported them.

I would be massively uncomfortable with this OP. It’s a tale as old as time. I’d say the emotional affair line at least has been crossed already.

Or if she was 30 years older than him.

I voted YABU because a woman 30yrs younger is likely to view him as a father figure and he view her as a daughter type figure.

It also doesn’t seem to happen that older women have these kind of friendships with younger men.
I have had close friendships with new recruits/young men & women the same age range as my DC at work. I had a lot of maternal instinct to help and mentor younger people just starting out in their first big job away from home. I wasn’t chasing any of them sexually, nor were they chasing me. They weren’t emotional affairs either. I’m saying both men & women, because I’m not straight….

I voted YABU because a woman 30yrs younger is likely to view him as a father figure and he view her as a daughter type figure.

Oh you sweet summer child

I'd also be checking out the msgs on his phone. You'll be more objective and be able to read between the lines as to what she's hoping for. At the very least she shouldn't be texting him out of work. Could you meet him for lunch one day or pick him up from work?

That’s just it I think he would. Which is probably why it hadn’t occurred to me to take issue before.

He has lots of female colleagues and they all get on well, and I’ve never had reason to be uncomfortable with any of them because it all seems to be within healthy boundaries. Even when they text each other outside of work it’s just been general and they’re all aware of each other’s families etc.

But this one has come with her sob stories and her poor me attitude from the start, and frankly from what he tells me about her and the things she gets upset about I’d have wanted to tell her to get a bloody grip by now.

Anyway last night we had it out and I asked to look at his phone. He didn’t seem to think I should want to, but he let me. And before I looked I asked him honestly whether there were any messages on there he thought I might be uncomfortable reading, and he said no.
So I had a look, and to be fair to him none of his messages seemed that bad. There were supportive messages but they were all fairly neutral. But her messages were full of “I don’t know what I’d do without you; you’re such an amazing friend; I can’t wait to see you.” .

So I told him to look at those messages again, and asked him what he would think if that was one of his male friends getting those kinds of messages, would he think there was something going on? I also asked him how he would feel if some bloke were sending me those messages and he admitted he wouldn’t like it.

So I told him that really he needs to step back from her, and he said he didn’t know how because he has to work with her and she will notice.I said that obviously he has to work with her, but lunches and coffees, and messaging outside work need to stop. And he doesn’t need to say anything, all he has to do is to stop replying and she will hopefully get the hint. And that because it’s Christmas the timing is perfect.

But I’m not convinced because he’s acting hurt because he doesn’t feel that he’s done anything wrong and I’m overreacting yada yada.

I’ve said my piece now. I won’t fight for him, he can either step back from her and if he really wants to make a fool of himself then he can fuck off. But hopefully I’ve made my point. It’s up to him what he chooses to do about it.

There are damaged young women who find older successful men as very attractive. Money, power and daddy issues.

Funny she couldn't latch onto a single young guy her own age or a woman. It's always the rich older boss. One can't possibly see why (!)🙄
Your husband is a disingenuous fool who is enjoying the attention. Father-daughter my arse.

Perhaps he's done nothing wrong, but she had and he needs to set friendship /colleague boundaries. I'd be really upset if a young woman was sending such things to my DH

Exactly this.

Trust your gut.

I’d be mightily suspicious. Younger women do go after much older men sometimes, it definitely isn’t beyond the realms of possibility. Reminds me of Alan Rickman’s character in love actually tbh. Happens more than you’d think, it’s a power/ego thing and occasionally Daddy issues.

She’s clearly got issues if she thinks constantly messaging her married much older colleague is a usual way to act. I think your DH is flattered by the attention and enamoured. Probably not an affair as yet but definitely could become one.

Even if his intentions are completely innocent, he needs to consider firstly how it looks you (his wife) and secondly, how it would look to more senior bosses/peers, and possibly tribunals.

The women sounds unhinged at worst and incredibly needy at best. Lunching and saying 'I can't wait to see you' are lines blurred/crossed.