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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uncomfortable with this? DH friendship with another woman.§

118 replies

30yearsYounger · 21/12/2022 21:48

Recently a woman has started to work in DP’s office and ever since she has all he does is talk about her. How difficult her life has been, how well she’s done to overcome all that she has, they always go for coffee/lunch together and they message each other constantly. She on the other hand is very needy, constantly being upset by someone, bursts into tears over minor things, and DP is always there for her. Thing is, she’s 30 years younger than him. I know that there’s surely no chance of her being interested in a bloke who is that much older, but she is the one doing a lot of the messaging when DP is at home, and I have no doubt that he is flattered by her attention.

I am certain nothing physical has happened, but this level of communication just makes me uncomfortable.

I have mentioned it to him and he became defensive. Said that of course there is nothing between them, she’s that much younger, etc etc and besides, he talks about others in the office, so why am I not uncomfortable about that? While he does talk about his other colleagues, this particular woman’s name comes up with regard to pretty much everything he talks about from work.

I saw a message from her flash up on his screen telling him what a wonderful friend he is, how she couldn’t have managed without him etc, I haven’t looked at his phone and I have no intentions of doing so.

So AIBU to not be comfortable with this?

OP posts:
Delandra · 23/12/2022 15:54

If the woman continues with the messages you could send her a note/text explaining her life’s problems are interfering with your private family time. Neither yourself or your husband are trained to deal with these issues. Provide some numbers for counselling services or suggest she speaks to her GP.

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/12/2022 16:02

Most blokes her own age wouldn't entertain that nonsense so she's taking advantage.

Your DH is a silly old fool who's flattered by a younger woman's attention and is disrespecting your marriage as he obviously fancies her and would probably go for it if she gave him the green light.

Don't play the pick me dance;he you feel he'd have to choose between you remove yourself as an option.

He is certainly having an emotional affair with her.

Mummawantsanotherbaba · 23/12/2022 16:13

This is wrong .
A woman is messaging your husband and your uncomfortable and he is defensive and turning it around .
Your guy is right.
regardless of if she wants your husband as more than a friend or not he is being totally dismissive of your feelings and putting another woman ( 30 years younger first )

Let’s turn it around - would your partner be okay if you met up with , messaged and Harped on about a younger man ?

But asides from that your husband is making you uncomfortable. I’m sorry but this is anhuge red flag. He clearly is invested emotionally in this woman and loves her attention .

Lastly, I’ve never had an affair but my husband is 25 years older than me . I’ve always fancied older men . Don’t be naive they won’t have an attention .

Hugs and love . Know your worth . Don’t let him make you uncomfortable. This is not appropriate.

Reindeersnooker · 23/12/2022 16:36

I think you've acted wisely. He knows your boundaries and has admitted he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot. It's disrespectful to you and will end up at best with her getting hurt when he isn't able to reciprocate her intense feelings. Far kinder to everyone for him to back off and realise he is rising his happy home life.

She will doubtless find someone else more suited to adore. Perhaps mention that he needs to give her space to do that even if she doesn't see it.

Reindeersnooker · 23/12/2022 16:37

risking

BreatheAndFocus · 23/12/2022 17:12

You’re very right to be uneasy. She’s playing the simpering princess and your DH is willingly playing the knight in shining armour. He’s flattered by her attention - and defensive about it. She knows what she’s doing.

I’d wait till she texted him one evening and reply myself as your DH, telling her she’s becoming very tedious and everyone else is laughing at her so could she not text again. Then block the poisonous little drama queen from his phone.

girlfriend44 · 23/12/2022 17:23

Lineeyes222 · 22/12/2022 05:20

I disagree with previous comments. There could be a parental role type thing going on considering she's 30 years younger? Why would your DH be interested in someone that young - assume she must be aged 20-30, and your DH 50-60.

I have had male friends at work with that age difference, and always viewed them as role models/parental figures, and I felt they were protective of me as possibly I reminded them of their daughters.

If a 50-60 year old man is interested in someone 30 years younger, he must be incredibly immature and I certainly wouldn't want them as my partner.

Load of tosh, older men go out with younger women and who would blame them. Much more fun having someone younger on your arm.
Lucky them. Dosent mean they are immature at all.
The best and most longest lasting relationships I have ever known is an age gap one. People of similar ages split up all the time.

LolaMoon · 23/12/2022 17:30

I disagree with previous comments. There could be a parental role type thing going on considering she's 30 years younger? Why would your DH be interested in someone that young - assume she must be aged 20-30, and your DH 50-60

This is so incredibly naive. Ive been hit on by many men I’ve worked with- many of them much older than me and I’m sure they weren’t interested in being my “father”. Hmmmm, I wonder what he might see in a woman 30 years younger?! Nope it’s a complete mystery 🙄

ForeverWeBlend · 23/12/2022 23:54

My friend's ExH left her for someone 34 years younger. OW was younger than his own DC. Trust your gut - you know your DH and clearly think it is a possibility.

SarahDippity · 24/12/2022 00:00

You have been gifted this information at an ideal time. Assuming he’s in an office role where he has a good break over Christmas, he has no purpose to reply to her until January, so he should use this time to break the cycle. And you can lay down that marker. If she messages, he should wish her well for Christmas, say he’s spending time with family now, and block her for now. If this makes him reactionary and testy, you have a problem and it’s him, not her.

ArmyofMunn · 24/12/2022 02:11

Fadedpicture · 21/12/2022 21:56

I have 2 middle aged male friends who have a woman like this. There is absolutely no possibility that she wants them, but they absolutely would if they could .

She is happily stringing them along for all sorts of favours, lunches paid for, DIY done, lifts given and the silly old fools deserve it all.

I imagine this is a similar situation. She's quite needy and he's giving her what she needs on the off chance that he might get something back.

These middle aged men, never find a sad needy middle aged woman or a man their own age who needs such care, do they?

I didn't read past this response...

RosalindsAFuckingNightmare · 24/12/2022 02:44

30yearsYounger · 21/12/2022 21:48

Recently a woman has started to work in DP’s office and ever since she has all he does is talk about her. How difficult her life has been, how well she’s done to overcome all that she has, they always go for coffee/lunch together and they message each other constantly. She on the other hand is very needy, constantly being upset by someone, bursts into tears over minor things, and DP is always there for her. Thing is, she’s 30 years younger than him. I know that there’s surely no chance of her being interested in a bloke who is that much older, but she is the one doing a lot of the messaging when DP is at home, and I have no doubt that he is flattered by her attention.

I am certain nothing physical has happened, but this level of communication just makes me uncomfortable.

I have mentioned it to him and he became defensive. Said that of course there is nothing between them, she’s that much younger, etc etc and besides, he talks about others in the office, so why am I not uncomfortable about that? While he does talk about his other colleagues, this particular woman’s name comes up with regard to pretty much everything he talks about from work.

I saw a message from her flash up on his screen telling him what a wonderful friend he is, how she couldn’t have managed without him etc, I haven’t looked at his phone and I have no intentions of doing so.

So AIBU to not be comfortable with this?

Yeah, I could have written your post 6 years ago. They're now married with a kid.

CadburyFlakeOnIcecream · 24/12/2022 07:32

Women have gut instincts for a reason. She sounds very 'damsel in distress' as a way to get close to him.

How do I know? I am ashamed of this, it was when it was 18 - 21, 22. Around 25 years ago. I had a bad crush/was desperately in love with an older married man, he was 32 years older than me. I used needing advice, being lonely/traumatised by bullying in school/anything to get close to him, to spend more time with him. This girl reminds me of me. Don't think just because she's 30 years younger that she can't have a crush/fall in love with a much older man. There are those of us females who have always had a thing for older men. It might gross out some people, but I was one of them and I chased after him, not the other way around. Anyway, yeah, his wife was onto me and was not impressed, and I don't blame her at all. He eventually cut his friendship with me. The truth is I wanted to lose my virginity to him and wanted him, but pretended we were just friends, because I didn't want anyone to guess what I was up to.

Yes, I am ashamed of it, and if I could go back, I would undo it a thousand times over. I have completely matured now and live a completely different life. I would be devastated if the same thing happened to my husband, but I know women like myself (or, like who I used to be) and would be on the lookout.

Whether he is interested or not, I don't know, but many men if given the chance.... Well, are tempted. Trust me, this girl is trying to get close to your husband, playing emotionally needy damsel in distress, needing advice from an older respected experienced man etc. He might not (yet) be interested in her, but SHE, is trouble. Trust me, I know people like how I used to be, it's like looking in the mirror at a younger version of myself.

Original poster
30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:36

Bit of an odd update.

DP agreed that he would stop messaging her, that this week was the perfect time to step back, and to the best of my knowledge he hasn’t messaged her. He did say that she’d messaged him merry Christmas and that he’d responded but that was all.

And then last night I had a friend request from her on FB. I accepted it purely to go in and spy on her profile, and her profile is full of updates about how she has met the most wonderful man, someone who makes her feel as if she has a worth at last, who understands her, all the kind of sickly shite people put on fb etc. Some of her friends have asked her who this bloke is and all she replied was that they had met at work, and that it was complicated.

I was really tempted to reply to one of the updates but I didn’t. I just took screenshots and then blocked her, and then confronted DP.

He swears blind that there’s nothing between them. And although he does admit that she’s told him that he’s amazing and has done so much for her etc he says he’s never reciprocated.

So now we’re in a bit of a stalemate.

He swears nothing has happened, there isn’t evidence on his side that he’s reciprocated, but there’s plenty of evidence on her side, her messages to him alone speak volumes.

I have told him he’s been an idiot, and that he needs to cut any contact with this woman outside of work, but that’s all I can do at this stage.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:38

Why did you add her? What a weird thing to do.

Original poster
30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:41

Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:38

Why did you add her? What a weird thing to do.

Because I wanted a look at her profile to see if she had either said anything on there.

I often do it with people who send me friend requests. If they’re requesting me as a friend then clearly they’re happy enough to see what’s on their profile, so I did.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 26/12/2022 13:42

Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:38

Why did you add her? What a weird thing to do.

It says in her post why!

She obviously wanted you to see all that OP. Is your partner friends with her on fb? It's like a modern day Fatal attraction... about mid-way through the film when shit starts to get weird but not quite bunny boiling. That comes next

If he is fb friends with her, he would have known about this gushing, and known she has feelings for him. If not, he knows now and needs to make his choice. Its gone too far now.

Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:43

30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:41

Because I wanted a look at her profile to see if she had either said anything on there.

I often do it with people who send me friend requests. If they’re requesting me as a friend then clearly they’re happy enough to see what’s on their profile, so I did.

Show quote history

But I thought the deal with your husband was to step back? Why give her that access to your life?

uhOhOP · 26/12/2022 13:46

Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:43

But I thought the deal with your husband was to step back? Why give her that access to your life?

Show quote history

Wasn't this already explained? OP wanted to check out the woman's profile (just as well she did, really), and then she blocked her. So OP got what she wanted from accepting the request – and more, arguably – and the woman can no longer see OP's profile.

Original poster
30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:47

Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:43

But I thought the deal with your husband was to step back? Why give her that access to your life?

Show quote history

Unless she took the same five minutes to look at my profile that I took to look at her’s she won’t have seen anything. I looked, took some screenshots to confront DP, and then blocked her. She doesn’t have access to anything.

If he is fb friends with her, he would have known about this gushing, and known she has feelings for him. If not, he knows now and needs to make his choice. Its gone too far now. he is.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 26/12/2022 13:48

30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:47

Unless she took the same five minutes to look at my profile that I took to look at her’s she won’t have seen anything. I looked, took some screenshots to confront DP, and then blocked her. She doesn’t have access to anything.

If he is fb friends with her, he would have known about this gushing, and known she has feelings for him. If not, he knows now and needs to make his choice. Its gone too far now. he is.

Show quote history

I don’t think I’m explaining this well.

You’re giving her too much though. She can write whatever she likes on Facebook (whether it’s true or not) and you’ve allowed her to manipulate you into looking at it.

Your issue here is with your husband. Do you trust him or not?

Original poster
30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:48

And when I said to him that he needs to unfriend her he said that that will make things awkward because she’ll want to know why.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 26/12/2022 13:50

30yearsYounger · 26/12/2022 13:48

And when I said to him that he needs to unfriend her he said that that will make things awkward because she’ll want to know why.

Is he that wet and spineless that he'd rather risk upsetting you than her?! He's risking his whole relationship over a colleagues feelings?

Dodecaheidyin · 26/12/2022 13:54

Sparklfairy · 26/12/2022 13:50

Is he that wet and spineless that he'd rather risk upsetting you than her?! He's risking his whole relationship over a colleagues feelings?

Show quote history

Or is it a convenient excuse to keep up the relationship/pretence/call it what you will.

SleeplessInEngland · 26/12/2022 13:56

Always find these threads odd. Most replies are among the lines of “you can’t trust your husband, stop him seeing the colleague now!”

If you don’t trust your husband you’ve got bigger problems than a flash in the pan colleague.