To be uncomfortable with this? DH friendship with another woman.§

[30yearsYounger]

Recently a woman has started to work in DP’s office and ever since she has all he does is talk about her. How difficult her life has been, how well she’s done to overcome all that she has, they always go for coffee/lunch together and they message each other constantly. She on the other hand is very needy, constantly being upset by someone, bursts into tears over minor things, and DP is always there for her. Thing is, she’s 30 years younger than him. I know that there’s surely no chance of her being interested in a bloke who is that much older, but she is the one doing a lot of the messaging when DP is at home, and I have no doubt that he is flattered by her attention.

I am certain nothing physical has happened, but this level of communication just makes me uncomfortable.

I have mentioned it to him and he became defensive. Said that of course there is nothing between them, she’s that much younger, etc etc and besides, he talks about others in the office, so why am I not uncomfortable about that? While he does talk about his other colleagues, this particular woman’s name comes up with regard to pretty much everything he talks about from work.

I saw a message from her flash up on his screen telling him what a wonderful friend he is, how she couldn’t have managed without him etc, I haven’t looked at his phone and I have no intentions of doing so.

So AIBU to not be comfortable with this?

She sounds unhinged. Doesn't he find it manipulative that she added you so you could see all this on her page?

I’m sorry OP, I think more is happening here. He is STILL worried that she would “want to know why?” If he blocked her- he has a perfectly good reason why! Surely anyone who is completely innocent would be upset/unnerved about the way she is posting about him (I think it would be very disingenuous of him to pretend that he hasn’t seen her FB posts/didn’t know they were about their “friendship”) He’s still putting her feelings ahead of yours instead of seeing it from the perspective everyone else can - that this is not a normal friendship.

I suppose he needs to decide what matters more.

Your feelings or hers? Feeling awkward at work or staying with you?

If he's questioning that or trying to make you feel guilty, then you've got your answer!

He’s prioritising her feelings over yours

he’s being a complete fool

only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker

I think it’s all too easy just to say that it’s all about whether you trust your husband or not.

If anything has happened then he is absolutely responsible, but sometimes these situations do happen and people genuinely don’t think they’ve done anything wrong.

Emotional affairs are more complicated than physical affairs IMO because it’s not like a physical affair when a boundary is overstepped the instant that things become physical. Lots of people have friends they might support emotionally without it being an emotional affair so that boundary is more difficult to recognise.

I want to trust him, and when I said to him about her adding me on FB he did wonder why she would do that.

But I don’t think that he wants to see at this point that a boundary has been crossed, because as far as he see it, he’s only giving support to her in the same way he would give support to any other friend.

A younger me was far too “accepting” of things like this. I’d nip it in the bud. Tell him it’s not on then tell her if needs be. He’s a married man and it’s inappropriate for her to be acting like she is.

She wanted you to find out there is something going on, without actually telling you directly, and risk your husband kicking off with her.
And at Xmas as well, she’s one twisted bitch. OP, this isn't stalemate. This is a full blown affair, and your coward of a husband hasn’t got the balls to admit it. Yet.

At this point he should sit down with HR or head of department or whatever, and explain that the messages he's been getting and the invitation to you to view a Facebook page full of news about her having met someone at work are leaving him thinking there has been a miscommunication that needs addressing with a third party present. She can then claim there's a different person at work she's crazy about, he's in the clear and the thing is over. Or she can say she has feelings and he can be seen to say not interested in a way that would be hard to pretend hadn't happened. Awkward afterwards but not with the potential to get any messier. She won't have time to think of any story about what he might have done. He can be a nice guy throughout.

I think it's more likely that she's as crazy as a box of frogs than that it's reached the level of a physical affair. A mistress doesn't announce it to Facebook.

Did he accept that her inappropriate Facebook posts were about him or did he try to tell you they must be about someone else?

How many of the other friends he’s giving support too are 20 something women he’s known a few months who send him messages telling him how wonderful he is

I doubt very much it is a physical affair, it may not even be an emotional affair but he is putting her feelings over yours and bluntly his ego is loving this

Sorry OP I do mean this to be supportive, but please be very clear that this is a serious threat to your marriage.

The key danger signal is his refusal to block her on Facebook. This means he doesn’t want to, because the silly old fool he is totally infatuated with her.

As (many) others have said I have met similar old fools at work (and given them short shrift). Sadly many have gone on the leave their families for the (much younger) OW. Infuriatingly some (but by no means all!) have gone on to live happily ever after, creating a second family with the OW.

I think it’s ultimatum time. If he stays with you, he’ll have to get another job, or if possible a transfer to another area, so they don’t get see each other every day.

I agree with this and it makes a complete mockery of all the previous "she probably just sees him as a father figure" post nonsense which we all knew was naive AF. This woman sounds unhinged and I think the FB friending was deliberate to plant doubts in the OP's mind about her husband. What better way to split someone up than plant a seed of doubt in the mind of their wife that they've cheated? Plus if anyone questions her she will innocently say "what are you talking about, there are lots of men at work it could be, doesnt mean its OP's husband". This is a planned manipulation with the goal of getting the husband- why?- no idea, but the annoying thing is, he seems to be falling for all the flattery and hero worship which is the oldest and lamest trick in the book.

I'd be issuing an ultimatum- either he blocks her on FB and stops all texts, phone calls and messages of any kind, he has to choose now because this nonsense cant go on. Obv he cant avoid her at work but you can be civil and polite to people at work without crossing boundaries. What bothers me is that there appears to be no inclination/loyalty on his part to take a stand against this woman out of respect for his wife. Even if he hasnt (yet) cheated- this is a huge red flag and doesnt indicate anything good. I wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed- somehow I dont think he'd be cool with it....

Nothing stacks up here. If he is friends with her on Facebook he will have seen the posts. They have to be about him otherwise he would have told you about her crush on X and shown you her posts as evidence. And why would she make friends with you if she has a crush on someone else? It is your DH, there is something going on.

seriously 😂 you are either terribly naive or a terrible liar

I did say that to him. He just said he hasn’t been paying attention to her profile as he rarely goes on fb which tbh is true, so I asked him what he thought then given the information is there and plain to see, and now that he knows it’s there. He just said that it could have been about anyone for all he knows.

I have said to him that he needs to remove her from his friend list, that actually he doesn’t need to make a big deal out of dropping contact with her, given it’s Christmas week anyway all he needs to do is to not message her there doesn’t need to be a big explanation, he’s spending Christmas with his family and that’s that.

Hmmmm. He’s full of excuses isn’t he? He doesn’t go on FB, it could be about anyone, she’ll get upset if he unfriends her, she’ll ask him why, etc etc
Considering she’s a recent new employee he must be on Facebook often enough to have accepted her friend request as if he was barely on there he would have missed it up until now.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

However, I'm afraid, in the kindest possible way, you are, in my honest opinion being a bit gullible after your latest update. Her posts (and the fact she has added you at this time) is either the biggest coincidence in the world, or he's told her something related to you (either being on to him, or needing to stop talking to her for a while) and she has added you to facebook to let you know, hence the posts

I mean, none of my colleagues add my partner to facebook. Even the ones I'm friends with years later after they've left. There is a reason she has added you.