To be uncomfortable with this? DH friendship with another woman.§

[30yearsYounger]

Recently a woman has started to work in DP’s office and ever since she has all he does is talk about her. How difficult her life has been, how well she’s done to overcome all that she has, they always go for coffee/lunch together and they message each other constantly. She on the other hand is very needy, constantly being upset by someone, bursts into tears over minor things, and DP is always there for her. Thing is, she’s 30 years younger than him. I know that there’s surely no chance of her being interested in a bloke who is that much older, but she is the one doing a lot of the messaging when DP is at home, and I have no doubt that he is flattered by her attention.

I am certain nothing physical has happened, but this level of communication just makes me uncomfortable.

I have mentioned it to him and he became defensive. Said that of course there is nothing between them, she’s that much younger, etc etc and besides, he talks about others in the office, so why am I not uncomfortable about that? While he does talk about his other colleagues, this particular woman’s name comes up with regard to pretty much everything he talks about from work.

I saw a message from her flash up on his screen telling him what a wonderful friend he is, how she couldn’t have managed without him etc, I haven’t looked at his phone and I have no intentions of doing so.

So AIBU to not be comfortable with this?

I wouldn’t like it at all!

Men are delusional even if it’s just for an ego boost and nothing happens. I’d absolutely not tolerate it one iota.

I dated a guy who was 23 years older than me and it was too much! A 30 year age gap is really massive. I doubt she’d be interested but there are some unpleasant people out there.

I don’t think the issue is age, working together, his or her intentions, or whatever. The issue is, he’s married and should not be behaving like this. It’s disrespectful to you.

You seem to be suggesting that it wasn’t his infidelity but the fact that she wasn’t happy about him shagging other women that was the problem. Or am I reading this wrong?

You were very naive. It comes as a surprise that older men find younger women attractive and would shag one if they could? Even if a shag isn't on the cards, they enjoy the interactions and quite often being in a position of power. When you are younger you think that men are often being nice, as you get older and they are irritated by you having something to say, you realise that being nice had nothing to do with them taking the time to talk to you. As said it's never a lonely older person, or someone their own age, especially a woman, who these men offer friendship to.

But you did have a fling with somebody's husband and you are trying to blame his wife. How are people projecting their insecurities?

Yeah, I don't see this as a threat. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure any man would LOVE the chance of someone that age being interested but I honestly think this is a flirting to charm her way into getting stuff done and freebies. It does sound like she's insecure, and statistically it's the pretty ones that constantly need that reassurance, approval etc. I think that's all this is.

Does he have the power to further her career?

You sound deeply unhappy

Even if this is true, surely most women would realise its inappropriate to be constantly messaging a man from work who is in a committed relationship and relying on them for their emotional needs? friendship is one thing but this is way OTT and really crossing boundaries. Its very selfish and intrusive of her to be doing this and he needs to back off out of respect for the OP. The fact that neither of them can see how hurtful this is for others is really concerning.

If for no other reason it’s callous attitudes like this that justify being concerned.
I do agree that the marriage is your business OP, and don’t assume he has bad intentions either. It’s just not respectful to you and he’s probably a bit clueless.

It does seem a little off- but- mentioning what a good “friend” he is is definitely sending a “there is no romance” vibe and might be her warning him.

Having been in difficult situations before, it’s great to have an older non sexual “safe” friend who is taken to talk to. As long as it is firmly established that there is and will be no romance there. Both sides get something from it. As the wife, it’s upsetting you, so this is no longer OK.

I have friends through work and really enjoy their company and our chats.

I thought I had made a craft buddy (we do a similar very niche hobby) but sadly although much younger, he made it very clear he was looking for romance. I am a little disappointed, he’s lovely and it’s not often I meet someone who does this hobby. Hopefully he will meet someone his own age and we can be friends again. M
I would have a word with your husband OP

It also doesn’t seem to happen that older women have these kind of friendships with younger men. It’s daddy issues being acted out by the young woman, and suckerville for the mid life crisis older bloke.

^ so true.

I think that the fact he was shagging around ended their marriage. They aren't as nice to you as you would like because a woman knows when her partner is sexually interested in another woman and that said woman would be up for it. You have sex with men you aren't interested in to get back at other women? That's just too much to untangle on a thread. If you think that someone should let their spouse shag other people, you have serious issues.

I've colleagues who are similar to this. It's gotten very embarrassing for both him and others on numerous occasions. It's a weird mixture of daddy/friend/ borderline sexual when drinking. Much of what has occurred could and has been misconstrued . She seems to not recognise some social boundaries, and at times,professional boundaries. Your dh needs to understand the risks this poses all round. Our team is small and we've dealt with our female colleague as bluntly as we could because subtly wasn't working (interrupting difficult meetings despite being told not to etc). This young girl your dh has befriended clearly needs help but your dh should not be the one she's turning to.

@Ponoka7 @laurelbee does have serious issues based on comments I've been reading on a different thread . She's spiteful and goady.

Not sure why you've used quotes, since that's exactly the word you used. You also didn't say that the "fling" happened after his marriage ended... Maybe you've had two such flings and are getting all of the details mixed up.

"Get well soon" 🤣 I always think a person who chooses to pursue somebody they know is in a relationship is probably deeply troubled and definitely pitiable.

Wow, a sex troll. I didn’t know that was actually a thing.

^I agree. This is quite sensible.

Slut shaming? Massive stretch.

Exact same scenario happened with my friend. Husband became the shoulder to cry on to 30y

Oops...30 years younger. He of course said the same things. It shifty moved to an intense sexual relationship and he became totally infatuated. It was bad, very bad.